Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

@Trendyname I think OP meant that when she was pregnant with first DC at 21 and now at 27 she was/is living independently. However, when COVID happened she moved in with her parents

What does ‘both at 21’ mean? Sorry didn’t understand.

LAs Also post the key docs so no accusation of email bot being received.

No documents were sent out when I applied. Everything was done by email.

You’ve got to start taking full responsibility. None of this staying at her house, randomly doing pickups, her making the parenting decisions. If you want her to get on board with this pregnancy you need to show her you’re a mature adult.

• set a day when she has your son from school/ for tea and maybe some time at the weekend. Stick to it;
• if she wants to take them on holiday you discuss and agree it;
• if she tries to change the arrangements politely decline;
• either introduce her to your partner or explain your plan;
• explain what you’re going to do about mat leave/ money etc.

TBH it sounds like she’s worried you won’t cope and that could have a knock on effect to your son.

Exactly. I did it last year for my daughter, at no point did I have to prove who I was. A letter comes through the post addressed to "the parent/guardian of [child's name]". If they were living together at the time (or if OP hadn't updated her address with the health visiting team), gran could easily have just opened that letter (thinking "well, I'm as good as his guardian, aren't I?"), gone online and filled out the online form and scanned the birth certificate.

The OP is now a 27 year old adult, has her own home, a good job.

If the DM doesn't want to be asked for any further childcare, or further help then all she had to do was say that. Her reaction was shocking and very unkind. If she had a problem she could have discussed it.

I've been on the receiving end of something like this and I know it really hurts to be met with such a cruel reaction.

It's fair enough that this incident has made OP look back over her mother's over reach and put downs. Who needs that?

The point of my post was to say that OP is in a position now to establish her independence and be the person in charge of her child.

That would be me going low contact with her if I had had that reaction from a relative, I can understand the reaction when you were 21 but 27?! Certainly wouldn’t be giving her access to the new baby!

Very true

All docs would have been sent to the OP’s address

so she would have known her mother applied

I forgot to add, congratulations on your pregnancy! Your mother was very unkind. She obviously doesn't respect you as the grown woman that you are, yet her own behaviour is preventing you from acting like one. I suspect she enjoys this setup and feels like that's how she feels worthwhile and needed.

So the fact the mother successful applied would rather indicate to me that has authority to do so ie guardianship

its a pointless thread really because we will never get the objective version of all this.

Yeah, that didn't sound right.

For those doubting that gran applied for a school place - you do have to prove you have PR, and that the child lives in the stated address, but it's all online, and just involves providing documents. I imagine it would be easy for an involved gran to put her hands on the Birth Certificate, for example.

“Perfect world”? @Nextdoormat asking about employment and financial stability?

Oh dear

I don’t think it matters if the ‘vibe’ is different though, it’s essentially the same thing. I know of other couples essentially getting 3-4 full days per week collectively from grandparents in free childcare. Yet often you’ll see a younger mum or single mum getting much much less than this when you add it all up, but people put a completely different spin on it, act as though the grandparents are having to be a second set of parents and using words like ‘bankrolling’. Whatever peoples feelings are on grandparents doing childcare in place of nursery or after school clubs, I think it’s important to hold parents of all ages/relationship status to the same standard. OPs parents also have choice.

I’m still trying to work out where the dads fit in. Do they get to parent? Is DM stepping in because they don’t/aren’t allowed to parent

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think you are right to readjust your priorities. I think you should create distance and place boundaries. Your mum sounds really full on, and her constant criticism of you comes across as emotional abuse.

I would certainly be backing off from her but maintaining a good relationship with your Dad.

I'm wondering if she's got this attitude because you're unmarried (just because you say she's traditional). Either way, she sounds horribly overbearing. And applying for schools for your son without telling you?? Fuck me, she'd have got it both barrels from me over that!!

The key here is choice.

Grandparents will usually have a choice whether or not to help with childcare for married, professional couples in their 30s/40s who have a baby. It's great if grandparents want to help with childcare, but they have the option of saying no.

Unfortunately, many grandparents don't have a choice when their daughter is young, single and still living at home. I can understand why a grandmother who is already carrying a significant financial and childcare load might not be jumping for joy at the news of another arrival. (However, this does not appear to be the situation for the OP.)

Wow, having read all your updates 😳

She applied for your child's school without consulting you???!!!

Mate, you've got a big problem here. Your mum still sees you as a teenager, and she sees herself as your child's real mum. I'd start keeping my distance if I were you. That's not to say "going no-contact", but scale it down massively. Oh my word.

Thanks for update. So your mum has done a lot of childcare due to covid and now school pick ups so she’s very involved

Prob be a good idea for her to take w small step back - who the hell applies for a child’s school place as Nan when a parent about

will you be living together with dad no 2. How long have you been together ?

what is he like with ds ?

I’m surprised by how many people are defending her. I am very sorry for their children. Your mum can feel how she wants to feel but that is no excuse for how rude and cruel she has been.

you need to take charge of your child(ren) she’s not treating you with any respect and that’s not good for your child to see. It’s also not good for your child that you, as a result of the way she treats you, feel lacking in confidence with regards to parenting.

I’d massively cut back on their relationship personally, definitely stop asking her for favours and I’d end my own relationship with her, she was unforgivably rude and it’s clearly a pattern.
I imagine that will all be too difficult and cause a massive fall out, but it would be the right thing to do.

Your mom thinks she's the parent and parents your child over you.

Taking the school runs over is the right move. You're going to have to slowly decrease her role and shut her down when she tries to parent over you. She's probably have a fit but she's really trying to run your family. You're not a kid anymore. She says you won't to get up in time to get your own child to school, tell her you're a responsible adult who takes care of her child and it's really off of her to say you aren't.These are put downs designed to make you feel incompetent at parenting. Don't let her do that. "Why would you say that?" is a good response. And no more sleepovers on school nights.

Trying to enroll your kid in school and taking them on a holiday without you are huge oversteps. You guys sound really enmeshed and she's been doing a lot of care for your child so she feels entitled. You're going to have to step back from that if you want changes.

She sounds very disappointed in you and the circumstances that you are bringing another baby in to. Any grandmother who is concerned her grandchildren don't or won't have stability or two loving and committed parents will feel the same, even if they don't say it.

Only you op know whether her feeling that is justified or not.

Do you live with your partner?
How long have you been with them?