Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

This isn’t about what century or ‘age’ we are in.
But it is potentially about differences in personal values / choices and generations.

OPs actions have negatively affected her mum’s life in ways we possibly don’t know & maybe those commenting ‘it’s 2025’ etc don’t have negative experience of being a grandparent or feeling put upon / despair at irresponsibility on their adult children’s part which has negatively impacted their life (I don’t but have experienced it second hand and it can be very burdensome and have far reaching recriminations at a time when the parents of the adult child are probably feeling they have done their far share of parenting and it’s time for them to step back a bit and relax / not have to stress about that kind of responsibility in their own advancing years).

OP says her parents are traditional as were mine. Perhaps mum was hoping for a wedding ring to give you and the baby more security financially.

Oh, and in response to those saying the mother is reacting like this because she’s worried about OP, if that were true then why would she be so b*tchy? Where was the “Are you okay?” “Do you feel ready and sure about this?” etc. There wasn’t any of that. There was “i HoPe iT’s NoT dUe At cHrIsTmAs” and “i WaNtEd tO gO dIsNeY”. Oh, and the comment about the Disney trip being intended for DS1 and the daughter feeling like the new baby is “being excluded already” is also giving narcissism. There’s definitely going to be a golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on when this new child is born. It’s starting already.

Not the victorian era, but perhaps we need a little more of the values of people being in committed relationships before having children. 2x2 is not a great record when neither are a husband or stable relationship

Did you read the OP or…?

You didn't intend to fall pregnant? Surely you know how babies are made after your first pregnancy? I'm guessing you had sex unprotected, or you thought you were protected because you're taking contraception (which is just an added level of protection and not complete protection) - I can see why your Mum is tearing her hair out. You don't even live together yet? That part is unclear.

I do appreciate that your Mum's response does put her in a bad light and she sounds jaded, toxic, and narcissistic. I would stick with your Dad, but don't ask your Mum for anymore help. She can't hold it against you and you won't have to thank her for anything. It sounds like she's trying to control your first child and raise them, by constantly wanting them. That is really bizarre behaviour.

I can also understand she is huffing because she's done her time as a parent and doesn't want to do another round of school runs, because she's possibly worried this relationship will fall through. It's almost as if she's stressing over having to put the effort in to raising another child, when that's not her responsibility. Really bizarre behaviour! I do feel we only have one side of the story here, but I also know how toxic Mother's can be when twisting a story to match their own narrative, so I don't know if your Mother would tell the entire truth.

congratulations!

also i feel for you, my mums the same (luckily not with grandkids!) but if j book a trip or a concert, make any plans with anyone other than her she says things like 'i couldnt imagine anything worse' and makes a vomitting face.

i think its just boomers tbh
they are so jeleous and bitter and once the world stop revolving around them they feel irrelevant.

you are a bit younger than me but you eventually learn to not let it bother you and confidence just grows.

all the best x

In your second update OMG you've described my mum. She's a narcissist with schizophrenia and I had to cut her off because it's too controlling. She is never happy for me but wanted a weekly schedule to visit my kids and see me. When I said no she kicked off so I blocked her. Good luck op

I know this word is thrown around a lot, but your mother sounds like a narcissist (and your dad the enabler/one who never stands up to her). Do you have siblings? If so, how does she treat them in relation to you? If not, might be that she treats your son as the golden child.

Narcissists bring down happy news because they don’t like when the limelight isn’t on them. This is not about you. You have shared happy news in your life and it’s crazy to bring it down (she’s upset that the due date is in December? Really??). She does the same to others (the friend). Read up on narcissism and see if the descriptions fit your mum. If I were you I’d be keeping her at arms length and not sharing much with her. She can’t put a dampener on what she doesn’t know!

Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I can’t be bothered to scroll through 16 pages of posts, but has OP actually given the back story which undoubtedly makes her mother’s reaction entirely reasonable. We all know it’s there.

This is 2025 not the victorian age.......what's happened has happened. Besides, who amongst us is perfect? Certainly not me.

Wow I’m thinking quite a few comments on here should have been left back in Victorian times… unmarried, 2 kids by 27, two different days!! Get ready people none of this means her mum can be an utter *** about it. If she’s not interested in the grandkids it’s best to keep away from her, she’s toxic

Erm, this is 2025?? Not the Victorian age!!

My sounds like your mum, she can't be happy about anybody's news. A very negative person and this has got worse with age.

OP you dont say how long you've been together but you dont live together. Speaking from bitter experience, you should have at least lived together for a decent amount of time. Otherwise, its all just a gamble.

Your DM thinks you’re going to be leaning on her for support just as she’s getting her life back. If you aren’t even living with the baby’s father, you can see why she might be concerned. As long as you aren’t going to be asking her for any help she should have nothing to worry about, so work on reassuring her you can manage on your own.

I really feel for you. However, if she was also negative about her friend’s news it might be worth talking to your dad about her. My sister (always positive) stopped responding to things / didn’t laugh at programmes she’d normally find funny. We put it down to her getting older. Turned out to be a symptom of Parkinson’s. Not suggesting it’s this, but there might be something underlying her attitude.
Or, she might be feeling it adds to her responsibilities as your mum.

You aren't yet in a settled long term relationship with this man. " looking to get a house" isn't a great basis for having a baby.

This is two kids by two Dads by mid twenties and you aren't in a stable long term situation.

I wouldn't be thrilled if I were your Mum. I think she fears you be a single Mum to two kids by two men. Not great life choices.

Sorry OP but your mum sounds like she is disappointed and as a PP said, what parent who cares for their daughter (albeit you are an adult) would wish for them to have 2 children by 2 different people by age 27? & have I understood correctly that you aren’t currently living with the father of the child you are expecting? So if you and your current partner do realise your plan of moving in together you would be moving your son in with another man and having a new baby - it’s a lot and will be tough. Your mum knows this. Alternatively, if you don’t realise that plan you’ll be on your own with 2 kids. Your mum
also knows this. You have had 2 unplanned pregnancies, which you have gone through with, which perhaps doesn’t sit well with her.
It’s possible the OPs mum has a very different story to tell about her version of events compared to OPs but we will never know. Depending on context, a baby isn’t automatically good news!
You don’t say if your mum has always been negative / unsupportive or what your relationship was like before your first pregnancy, so it’s hard to properly judge her reaction.
All that being said, you may well make a great success of things and everything works out for everyone - but the reality is our parents (if the are decent), are older, wiser and generally want the best for us.

Why would her DM be happy when her Daughter is in a casual relationship, not living together and has needed a lot of support as a single mother already.
Her DM doesn't know this man, yet lives locally, she asked who the father was.

Sounds very much like your Mum needs counselling. She seems to have a negative reaction to many issues. Is she healthy or could she be hiding something. I'd have a chat with your Dad and see if he would be 'allowed' to give you some emotional support or if he can throw any light on why Mum is behaving the way she is.
Congrats on the baby btw.

I had parents who overstepped and sulked and lectured me if I didn’t comply, and I indulged them until my father died when I was 48 (my mother has dementia) rather than being firm and assertive. I wish I’d set boundaries in my twenties and I’d urge you to do so now.

Congratulations on the great news!! I hope you are getting plenty of support from baby's daddy and your own dad sounds really kind!💖
So what's with your mum?
Unless you are a drug addict, relying on her for every penny or an abuser of some sort, she should be happy for you!
Seems strange🤔 does she have past trauma with pregnancy?
Regardless, if she can't be happy for you just kill her with kindness👍 don't let the picking at you grind you down. She sounds hard to please😔 so no matter what you do, you'll always be in the wrong.
Please don't let her steal your sparkle🌟
Keep telling yourself you're worth more than this😘😘😘in one ear and out the other.
If she won't be fair with you her opinion doesn't really count, it will only hold you back🌈

She sounds like a toxic narcissistic piece of work. There’s never any reason for being as nasty as that and the fact you’re trying to excuse it suggests it’s not the first time.

Surround yourself with people who are excited about your amazing news and limit time with her. It’s sad but sometimes cutting people out of your life isn’t always a bad thing.

Maybe spend more time alone with your dad. Xxx

There is no excuse for her reaction. I'm not sure why people are looking for one. A congratulations and an interest in the scan picture of her grandchildren isn't much to expect is it. Any concerns she has she could gently discuss at another time.