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Original poster

Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

442 replies

Familydrama25 · 04/07/2025 01:48

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

OP posts:
Suecee · 06/07/2025 00:27

My mother was similar. She told me there was nothing to bring children into this world for. Nice reaction to a pregnant daughter who is over the moon.
My mum made such a fuss of mh brothers 3 kids. Always banging on about how amazing they were. When I objected she said you can't help loving the ones that love you most. Bullpoo, and ivtold her so. My kids hated going to see her as they got old enough to see what she was... but when she was in a care home, the beloved grandsons never came near her. My children visited her, but still she harped on about my brother.
I suffered this rubbish for 36 years and id walk away, then ho back, I couldn't break the tie completely, and when she passed away it took a year for me to get over, what was basically ptsd... my daughter suffered my bouts of neediness, the feeling that everythjng was going wrong and no loved me.
It was the result of 39 years of Rejection.
We had a very loving relationship till I got married, and then she turned into the mother in law from Hell... to me, her daughter. Favoured her daughter in law, anyone at all so long as she could see me hurt.... that's the downside of a narcissistic parent, and a loving daughter.

If I had my time again, I would move as far away as possible once id married. The moon would be about far enough.

CarelessUdder · 06/07/2025 00:02

I’m so sorry for you, OP - this wasn’t a nice reaction. I hope I can help though. I don’t think your mum sounds toxic, or mean even - I think she sounds emotionally immature. It’s very hard dealing with a parent like this, sometimes meaning you don’t get the support you need at the hardest times. Your dad sounds great and like he knows what she’s like? It probably isn’t a simple fix, but it might help to think of her as emotionally much younger than you - say 12-14 - and to set boundaries like you would with a much younger person, including what you expect from them on an emotional level. Obviously on a practical level you can expect more and I imagine when she’s adjusted to the new information she’ll be nice to the baby and hopefully love it like she does your son. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you’re feeling well with it. :)

SmallCosyHouse · 05/07/2025 23:58

You sound great OP. You're living life your way and that's absolutely fine.

Please ignore the judgemental comments on this thread. Life unfolds in all sorts of ways and I'm sure you'll be a fabulous mother to your two children and it will be lovely for them to have each other as siblings. You're working hard, you have a supportive partner, you have your own place and you will be fine.

As for your mum, she sounds jealous, bitter and immature. Look up boundaries, enmeshment and narcissism - it will open your eyes. She cannot cope with the attention being on you and wants to make your children all about her.

You are a responsible adult now and it's time to establish adult boundaries with your mother. That means making it very clear that you are your children's mother and you make all decisions relating to them, including school pickups, when they have dinner at hers etc etc.

You no longer have to agree to things she says, or tread on eggshells around her to avoid upsetting her. You cannot control what she says or does, but you can control your own response to her. Call her out every single time when she says or does something unreasonable.

If you find that the relationship becomes intolerable when you start asserting reasonable adult boundaries, you may need to go low or no contact with her. That is your prerogative. You and your children do not need her controlling and manipulative tactics in your lives.

If, once you put boundaries in place, she accepts that you are now in charge of your own life (including your children) and decides to be a part of her grandchildren's lives on that basis, respecting you at all times, that's great. You will need to keep reasserting your boundaries though and she will need to respect those boundaries if she wishes to be a part of your life.

Wishing you all the best, and enjoy your pregnancy!

Praying4Peace · 05/07/2025 22:52

ladydoe · 05/07/2025 19:15

Wow I’m thinking quite a few comments on here should have been left back in Victorian times… unmarried, 2 kids by 27, two different days!! Get ready people none of this means her mum can be an utter *** about it. If she’s not interested in the grandkids it’s best to keep away from her, she’s toxic

Unfair

jul1012 · 05/07/2025 22:43

My mum reacted weirdly on the announcement of my first baby, she basically was in a denial, brushed it off and she immediately changed a topic of conversation until my sister said - mum, she is pregnant, congratulations, I am so happy for her etc
I lost this baby in a miscarriage and my mum was very supportive and happily I got pregnant quickly again and have a rainbow baby, but I can't forget or forgive her this weird initial reaction. I understand it was her defense reaction and she didn't know what to do but as you said - you will remember these moments and the fact your mother spoilt it for you, it was an ugly and selfish behavior. Congratulations on your little one, you will do amazing 😍

crumblingschools · 05/07/2025 22:41

Are you planning to work whilst DC are at home? How do you cover school holidays?

spicedapplestew · 05/07/2025 22:37

OP, your most recent post where you end with saying you have savings would concern me if I were your mother. That isn't a long term plan and savings are important. If you're not going to be earning as much, you need to think of another plan to cover that gap than savings. Can the baby's father step up and offer some care? Will you need to use childcare and after school care for the children so you can work?

Otherwise, what happens when the savings are gone? If you don't have a plan, you have no savings - it comes back to your mother having to step in again so you can work enough to have enough money to survive.

MyLittleNest · 05/07/2025 22:29

I'd establish some space and boundaries (not the same thing) immediately. Continue to build up your independence and prioritize your children. You are now a mother of two, whether your mother likes it or not. She got to grow up and choose how many kids she wanted, and you get to do the same. She doesn't get to have an opinion on this, at least not one she should share, and if she can't be happy for you that is her problem, sadly.

I found her response to say a lot about here a person, especially the comments about Disney. It seems that she is implying your life plan doesn't align with her needs or wishes. Again, you are an adult and you get to your life and it should have little bearing on hers.

She clearly still views you as a child and she may always do so, as some personality types can never accept their adult children as adults with lives as their own. Either way, try your best to remind yourself that her reaction to your joyful news is about her, not you, or your baby. It's sad and it's her loss if she chooses to live life through a negative lens.

Take some space and enjoy this new phase of life with your new family. Your childhood family, especially given your mother's behavior, can take a backseat now.

Praying4Peace · 05/07/2025 22:24

SereneHare · 04/07/2025 07:19

Oh OP, I'm sorry. How awful.

Firstly, I think it's lovely news that you're having a baby. Early December is a great time for a birthday. It gets the festive season started. What's not to love 😁❤

My parents are exactly the same. My mother is terrible. Bitter and jealous. She spoils everything with this shit.

They take 4/5 holidays a year but she foams at the mouth with jealousy if I go anywhere. We live at opposite sides of the country (wonder why). The weather on Monday where I live was glorious. Hot and sunny. She rang and ranted on about how awful the weather was where she is and how ''it must be nice to get the sun when we've got nothing'' on and on... One frigging sunny day. I can't even have that.

I got engaged many years ago to a man who had two daughters. Her face was like stone when I told her and she spat out ''I don't want to be a Grandmother to them two girls''. She never asked about the wedding even once. You'd think your only child getting married might be something you'd ask about from time to time, but no. Nothing.

I bought a new build apartment. Faces like stone from both of them when I told them. I had some photos and information for them to look at. She said to leave it on the coffee table and she'd look later. It sat there for days untouched. I took it away in the end.

In recent years I've had holidays, relationships, jobs, done two postgrad qualifications, started a business and a blog that they don't know about. It's sad but necessary. I fell sad about hiding my life but I'm tired of everything being shat on and it will never change.

With respect, completely different scenario

Inyournewdress · 05/07/2025 22:23

Bluddyellfire · 05/07/2025 21:16

'See' his child? I'd be wondering more about whether he is willing/ able to PARENT his child tbh and having 'a good job' and able to afford his own place is no indication of this whatsoever

Also perturbed by the idea that DM was unaware there even WAS a new bf before the announcement that was so badly received/ whose is it etc

As others have said this all sounds very enmeshed to me and neither OP nor DM should expect to be having things both ways

Show quote history

Yes agree with all that

Praying4Peace · 05/07/2025 22:16

IwasDueANameChange · 04/07/2025 05:42

The question of who the dad is is telling. Is it a long term relationship you are in?

How are your finances? Are you employed, is he? Can you afford the childcare after mat leave?

This.
100pc
It seems that you have had one child resulting in single parenthood.
Are you now in a long term stable relationship with financial aid emotional security?
Your mum is likely to be wanting that in the best interest of all

Limehawkmoth · 05/07/2025 21:18

TimeForATerf · 04/07/2025 06:23

My first thought is that you live with them and your mum has already spent the last five years helping with childcare and supporting you both, and you’re now expecting again without considering the implications on them.

can you please clarify so you can get appropriate advice?

Message deleted..op has answered question

Bluddyellfire · 05/07/2025 21:16

Inyournewdress · 04/07/2025 13:12

I do think it’s important not to rely too much on your parents to help with childcare, as tempting as it may be it is clearly blurring the boundaries and your mum is in her own mind taking control of things.

On the one hand I can see she has really helped a lot, but on the other hand there are some red flags that just can’t be explained by her doing lots of childcare. Applying to schools without mentioning it to you? Booking a holiday for your child without including you, or even communicating that? Those are extremely odd choices. Unacceptable to me. So I would step back.

Does the father of your second child have plans to move in and see his child full time?

'See' his child? I'd be wondering more about whether he is willing/ able to PARENT his child tbh and having 'a good job' and able to afford his own place is no indication of this whatsoever

Also perturbed by the idea that DM was unaware there even WAS a new bf before the announcement that was so badly received/ whose is it etc

As others have said this all sounds very enmeshed to me and neither OP nor DM should expect to be having things both ways

Julimia · 05/07/2025 21:12

Congratulations and just don't do anything except look after yourself and yours. Wat she said/says is actually saying a lot about her but little about you but I do understand it' still hurts. Try not to give her furthur opportunities to come back at you and enjoy your pregnancy and new born.

Madrid1989 · 05/07/2025 21:05

Congratulations 💕 I just wanted to say that you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.
Your mum sounds pretty awful imo.
I also had my first child when I was in my teens, and remember the “you better not be pregnant” chant well 🙈

Nikki75 · 05/07/2025 20:32

Congratulations on your happy news 💛 it's good you have a dad who is loving and supportive of you.
Live your life and be the mum with your children that you would of wanted from your own.
I'm not close to my mum it does leave a gap but honestly you can and will be happy even if she idnt .
Good luck with your exciting news xx

bfc1980 · 05/07/2025 20:29

This is really shit. I'm so sorry. I went through something similar when my ex wife was pregnant with our first. At my mum's on Boxing day handing out presents and as a surprise I gave my fiance (at the time) a baby-gro present as a way of announcing it to the family. My mum's response was "oh she's expecting. It's bad luck to give baby clothes before x amount of months." Fiance was 2 almost 3 months pregnant.
Fiance walked out living room upset and I confronted mum, "why would you say something like that?" and then to see my gf. When I'd calmed her down her down, we came downstairs and mum kicked us out. As we lived in a different town, we had nowhere to go. Didn't speak to mum for another 2 and a half years. Refused to visit after birth, refused to come to christening, and initially refused to come wedding until I told her that this will be the last chance to meet her grandson (he was 2yr old) before we move to Asia for work.
Now she sees her grandkids once a year for 1 maybe 2 weeks and regrets missing out on so much time with them. Especially our 1st born.
Stand up and don't allow her to treat you like this. It's nice to have her accept this, but you don't need her to accept this. You don't need her.

JournalistEmily · 05/07/2025 20:24

Your mum sounds like a total bitch tbh

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 20:14

You mum thinks you won't manage because you never have. I can understand why she feels how she feels. Best course of action is to stop leaning on her and be more independent. Show her you can do it before baby comes. A second unplanned baby with a live out boyfriend isn't exactly ideal when you're not juggling the first without lots of her help.

Mischance · 05/07/2025 20:07

Is your Mum always so crabby? What an inappropriate and totally unloving reaction.
You have no choice but to try and ignore this nonsense ... either that or distance yourself from her.
Are you tolerating this because she has a role in child care for you?
If not why do you not just tell her that her reaction is inappropriate and unmotherly and you are a grown woman and do not have to listen to this. It really is none of her business.

Smurfette63 · 05/07/2025 20:07

Well done, you! But don't forget about your Dad, he's your ali and peace maker. I'm sure he would like to see his new grandchild even if your Mum doesn't have time for her grandchildren. Good Luck!

prelovedusername · 05/07/2025 20:06

Kindly, OP, if you are using her for childcare you aren’t living independently. She sounds like she doesn’t think you’re capable of managing on your own. That may be unfair, but the only way to find out is to make your own life and have a more equal and adult relationship with her.

Original poster
Familydrama25 · 05/07/2025 20:01

I do understand my mum's concerns, and yes she and most parents would ideally like you to be in a more long-term/ marriage relationship for that security. Simply put when I found out I had two choices. I would love for my son to be able to have a sibling and feel the opportunity has come around.

My mum has helped with childcare but I don't rely on her financially/for a house or anything like that. I live quite independently. I'm sure she would have still like me to have dinner at hers every night but I've had to purposely try and break away to create more of that home for me.
In hindsight I reckon our relationship would have been better if I had moved away slightly before settling for that space between us. I have a brother who did just that! And when he's back he's the golden child because they just want to enjoy some quality time whilst they have it.

I have been working closely with my boss so I am able to take more of a role at home over work, meaning more school pick ups etc. Yes it means less pay but thankfully I have savings if needs be.

It's honestly been an eye opener on how I need to assert my boundaries for a more healthy relationship.

OP posts:
Emioo · 05/07/2025 19:58

Sorry, just seen your latest response. Your mum has massive boundary and control issues. Going on holiday with your son but not you?!! Maybe some family counselling would help but unfortunately many boomers lack self awareness and I get the impression she is unlikely to agree to it. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your pregnancy x

Aimtodobetter · 05/07/2025 19:54

Familydrama25 · 04/07/2025 10:49

Just to answer a few questions that have popped up.

Both at 21 and now I have lived alone in my own place. In some ways the two relationships are similar, we have our own homes, work, and go on holidays together.

The father is different this time but has a good job, well off which my dad is happy about as he likes to think someone is in a position to be able to "take care of us". My parents are quite traditional.

When I had my first, it was covid time and was offered to move in with them for extra help. Odd times but it was all or nothing. I did and appreciated the help although naturally they've had a big influence right from the start.

I find my mum can be really practically helpful but a bit overbearing. When I had first moved out, she kept inviting me over for dinner every night which I thought was nice but it made it difficult to make my own way in life. Growing up, I never learned basic skills (cooking/cleaning etc.) because she would just do it all, and I felt "in the way". She is the kind to take over and do everything. I had applied to schools for my little one only to find out she had done it as well.

She didn't really like the transition into our own house, saying that she misses him or slightest thing going wrong she will pick him up. She wants him at her house if it's a school night saying "I won't get him there" (I've never not got him to school/nursery). I think she still see's me as the lazy teen who used to sleep in. It has always felt like a battle taking him out of their care rather than supported. I feel like I've been constantly put down saying I "won't cope" to the point I started to believe it!!

As for childcare, my work is flexible and now he's at school I can work around these hours but it is helpful that she doesn't mind picking him up from school so I can work over these hours or of an evening. It's been made easy for me to do so as if anything I feel like a burden coming into their home, "upsetting their routine" as she would say. Sometimes it's great that she seems to like it, telling me stories at the school gate and park they go to and as she's retired, I think in some ways it gives her this purpose. It's hard to create those healthy boundaries, I feel like she wants to take my son and I've been pushed away. Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

Anyway so I definitely have new ideas on the new arrival on how to do things now I know what it's like, but she does seem to have this idea in her head that she's going to have the baby which is perhaps why she reacted like that.

Some of the stuff in here is a bit worrying. Her booking a holiday to take your son away from you without you - never mind without discussing it with you - is crazy. She does almost seem to see him as hers rather than yours and maybe she reacted this way as she thinks it will make things more complicated for him or something - it overall doesn’t sound like a super healthy dynamic. Saying that - I imagine it’s super hard balancing your life and so maybe that’s a dynamic worth putting up with in exchange for the help - it sort of depends how extreme she gets and how much you’d be screwed without her help.