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Original poster

Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

442 replies

Familydrama25 · 04/07/2025 01:48

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

OP posts:
spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 08:48

housethatbuiltme · 04/07/2025 08:42

No, no one ever has a say in someone else fertility and your post has disgustingly ablest undertones the way, this is how eugenics happened.

OP mother chose to be a mother, OP chose to be a mother... most decent mothers would help their child (there is no requirement too though) but from the kind of attitude OPs mam is displaying (OPs too scared to even talk to her about her life and she doesn't seemingly know OP has a partner) she hardly seem like a loving mother rushing to help out so lets not pretend she mad because she utterly selfless and raising the OPs kids for her.

Show quote history

No, what OP's mother has is a say in is what happens in her home. If she is paying, caring for the child substantially and having her life significantly imposed on, she's allowed to not be happy about it. She didn't choose this, her daughter chose it for her. (If that is the situation at all).

You're clearly absolutely bonkers to think my post is ablest and I wonder if you even know what that means. I have a disabled DD and if she had a child I'd be supportive and kind. I'd be on the hook to pay for it and do a lot of work for it because she can't. Being supportive and loving the child doesn't mean I have to be happy about the impact on my life when I didn't choose it but had it forced on me. A baby is a wonderful thing but I still hope it doesn't happen.

Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:48

housethatbuiltme · 04/07/2025 08:42

No, no one ever has a say in someone else fertility and your post has disgustingly ablest undertones the way, this is how eugenics happened.

OP mother chose to be a mother, OP chose to be a mother... most decent mothers would help their child (there is no requirement too though) but from the kind of attitude OPs mam is displaying (OPs too scared to even talk to her about her life and she doesn't seemingly know OP has a partner) she hardly seem like a loving mother rushing to help out so lets not pretend she mad because she utterly selfless and raising the OPs kids for her.

Show quote history

I disagree!

HelloRose · 04/07/2025 08:42

We need more context.. how long have you been in relationship with the Dad? Do they get on? What’s your financial and your work situation? You’re obviously not married which is concerning.

housethatbuiltme · 04/07/2025 08:42

spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 08:23

It does if she's living with the child, doing substantial care for the child, financing the child (again) and generally picking up the pieces. We don't know that she is but, just as the first child has got to school age, she may be having to start again with another baby.

Show quote history

No, no one ever has a say in someone else fertility and your post has disgustingly ablest undertones the way, this is how eugenics happened.

OP mother chose to be a mother, OP chose to be a mother... most decent mothers would help their child (there is no requirement too though) but from the kind of attitude OPs mam is displaying (OPs too scared to even talk to her about her life and she doesn't seemingly know OP has a partner) she hardly seem like a loving mother rushing to help out so lets not pretend she mad because she utterly selfless and raising the OPs kids for her.

whitewineandsun · 04/07/2025 08:39

whynotmereally · 04/07/2025 06:18

Her response is horrid but also it depends on the situation.
Was the pregnancy planned? Are you married/in a ltr?
Do you have your own house? Are you financially stable?

if the answer to any of these questions is no it could be she is worried about you and your son and you making life hard for yourself.

Agree. A lot of context is missing here.

PollyBell · 04/07/2025 08:38

Flyswats · 04/07/2025 08:31

A. She might just be a cunt
B. She might be mentally ill
C. She might have early onset dementia.

Whatever the cause, it's horrible for you and I'm sorry. My own mother was similar. When I said to her during my first pregnancy "I can feel the baby move now, do you want to feel it" She literally spat out "I think its time for you to GROW UP"

I was stunned. Total mental case tho, my mum, so within the realms of her normal behavior.

Good luck. I hope the pregnancy and birth go smoothly. Ignore the rest.

Or she may just be sick of the op not thinking of their decisions affecting anyone else?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/07/2025 08:38

I get the impression that you get a lot of help with DC 5 and you're not in a very serious relationship, just seeing someone.
If DM is organising the family holiday too. She must be very involved.

She sounds cross but I think she is worried about you becoming a single mother for the 2nd time, therefore you will need more help, 5 year old will get less attention.

She spoke awkwardly but I see it a lot, where DGP have to do a lot due to the situation.

Bringing a newborn to Disney will definitely impact the 5 y.o holiday.

Pipsquiggle · 04/07/2025 08:36

Hi @Familydrama25 - congratulations

The problem with the framing of your OP is we don't know if your mum has mental health issues or has valid concerns about your current relationship &/or your health & safety (bringing a baby into it might make your situation worse)

There's probably a huge backstory to this. It's unfair to judge on what you have shared.

Scottishskifun · 04/07/2025 08:33

Tbh her reaction depends on who your partner is!
If you guys are secure, he's a nice guy and is good to your DS etc then yes of course her reaction is unreasonable.

If your partner is a lazy f wit who sits about, smokes weed or is violent etc or you have been together about 5 months then I can kind of see her reservations (although she could have explained it better).

Flyswats · 04/07/2025 08:31

A. She might just be a cunt
B. She might be mentally ill
C. She might have early onset dementia.

Whatever the cause, it's horrible for you and I'm sorry. My own mother was similar. When I said to her during my first pregnancy "I can feel the baby move now, do you want to feel it" She literally spat out "I think its time for you to GROW UP"

I was stunned. Total mental case tho, my mum, so within the realms of her normal behavior.

Good luck. I hope the pregnancy and birth go smoothly. Ignore the rest.

givingitupok · 04/07/2025 08:31

I got pregnant at 15 and had a better response than this!

Is there a whole big back story? There must be.

carmak · 04/07/2025 08:27

OP says she found it hard deciding to continue with this pregnancy, she wanted support.

Her mother sounds frustrated with her, we can only guess at why.

ZenNudist · 04/07/2025 08:26

Is there back story?

Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:24

spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 08:23

It does if she's living with the child, doing substantial care for the child, financing the child (again) and generally picking up the pieces. We don't know that she is but, just as the first child has got to school age, she may be having to start again with another baby.

Show quote history

Guaranteed she’ll be doing all this and more

spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 08:23

housethatbuiltme · 04/07/2025 08:17

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Don't let anyone ruin the wonder of motherhood for you, your mother is clearly just bitter for whatever reason but her opinions on your fertility doesn't matter.

It does if she's living with the child, doing substantial care for the child, financing the child (again) and generally picking up the pieces. We don't know that she is but, just as the first child has got to school age, she may be having to start again with another baby.

Sugardown · 04/07/2025 08:23

I would bet a lot

that the OP’s circumstances are far from ideal for having a baby
her parents are bloody concerned
her parents are very involved currently with childcare
the father is this unborn baby is, well, let’s just say no prince

Genevieva · 04/07/2025 08:23

No mention of the father. Where do you live? Do you have a a job they will support you and two children? I think your mum is just sad you haven’t done things in the traditional order - marriage then kids - as it’s a much more stable and supportive environment for children.

Lilactimes · 04/07/2025 08:21

Hi @Familydrama25 - again I would echo main of the other comments.
How involved is your partner? Are you financially independent? How involved is your mum in supporting your DS and are you expecting her to look after your baby whilst you work?

If you’re completely independent then she’s being unreasonable and the behaviour is off - but I imagine this decision is going to impact her own life to a certain extent - maybe a lot - and she may be tired and looking for some time for herself 🤷‍♀️

Citroenc1 · 04/07/2025 08:21

really hard to comment. Are you in secure employment and in a stable relationship with needing minimal help from your mum?

Of are you a single parent, dad of the baby not on the scene, hugely dependent on your parents for various reasons. If it's the latter, I can understand your mum to some extend (but agree, she still could have been kinder).

Just odd you didn't mention any of the back story.

pourmeadrinkpls · 04/07/2025 08:19

I'm confused, what is her issue? Is it the same father as the first child? Is the father a good guy? Do you have a job? Can you afford it? Do you have a suitable home? Are you a good mum to the child you have? There mist be more to it? Or else of course she's being UR

Cynic17 · 04/07/2025 08:18

Well, for a start, I'd be ditching the idea of any more "family holidays"! Just keep her at a distance.

housethatbuiltme · 04/07/2025 08:17

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Don't let anyone ruin the wonder of motherhood for you, your mother is clearly just bitter for whatever reason but her opinions on your fertility doesn't matter.

harriethoyle · 04/07/2025 08:17

I suspect that there is a MASSIVE backstory here that @Familydrama25 is deliberately excluding so everyone says her mum is a complete cow. I don’t buy it personally. I’d love to hear granny’s side of the story…

spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 08:16

ParmaVioletTea · 04/07/2025 07:56

@spicedapplestew - please note I said "sometimes" and that it can shock women - a feeling they weren't expecting that comes apparently out of nowhere. I've talked to friends who've admitted they felt this, at the same time as being really happy for their daughter. Humans are capable of having different & conflicting feelings.

I get that they might feel that way but it seems strange to not realise you're getting older and have children of childbearing age, so it could happen. Or feeling replaced seems like the feelings of someone whose sense of self-importance is a bit inflated to start with?

My mother was 40 when she became a grandmother the first time. I don't have any grandchildren but, at 52, feel like I'm well and truly of an age where being a grandmother is happening at a later stage of my life. Not that I give it much thought as it's not my life or decision if or when that happens.

CuriousKangaroo · 04/07/2025 08:16

On the face of it, her reaction seems off. However, and it’s a big however, you have not provided any context here. There are so many scenarios in which her reaction might be fairer than it seems. When you had your first baby, did it throw your life off track such that she hoped that your life would start getting better now he’s older? Is the new baby’s father a wrong’un so she thinks you can do better than tying yourself to someone useless/awful? Is the relationship unsettled in some way? Do you live with your parents and still intend to do so after the baby is born? Do you and your partner work? Frankly, no one can properly judge without knowing the background.