Daughter refusing school move - how to get through this

She's six. She can't refuse to go to a new school. She's not old enough for that kind of agency. She can make it difficult, and being ND (if that does end up being the case) she can make it extremely difficult. But ultimately she doesn't have a say, as long as you commit to what you're doing.

It may not work every day and unfortunately in this country (unless you're in a position to pay) you'll have to fight and wait and fight some more to get the correct support for her.

But you can't stop fighting.

The difficulty in accessing funding/support/understanding for circumstances like yours has led to this defeatist, towel-throwing culture of writing ND kids off, and it's not fair on anyone. "If I tell him to do X, he'll have a meltdown." "She refuses to go to Y." "He doesn't understand Z like other kids."

All of those things may be true, but ND isn't an excuse to stop tying until you find a way that works. Very few people are completely incapable of adapting in even the smallest way.

You wouldn't let a 6 year old NT kid refuse a change in schools, so why treat an ND kid differently? The only difference is the approach taken and the effort required.

One thing is for sure: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

If she is autistic, change is especially difficult. That doesn’t mean moving schools is a bad idea. If this is the right school make the switch and get her settled.

just remember that you can’t keep chasing the perfect school. Not that one change says you are going to do this.

You've clearly thought very carefully about the decision and it sounds like a great opportunity. It's also a good sign that she is able to confide in you with the things she's not speaking openly to everyone else about yet.

Remember that it's common with young children to have a different sense of time than we have, and for people with autism, anxiety and other neurodiversities to have difficulties with transitions.

I understand your predicament regarding the timing, but I'd probably make the time between the decision to move, and the actual move, as short as possible. Even just missing the final week with the old school to attending a day or two with the new school may alleviate some of her worries. Otherwise you may find that the fear of the unknown is in the background throughout the long summer break.

I hope everything works out. I've been there with school refusal, it can be really hard on the parent too.

Does your DD have a favourite toy or bedtime book that you could use to break the loop? i.e. when she starts ‘looping’ you maybe say ‘we’ll talk about this in the morning, shall we read xxx?’ Another option might be a music track that she finds soothing? (We virtually wore out our CD of Albatross when DD was young as it was the only thing that calmed her) Difficult I know if they are ND and struggling.

FWIW we moved our DD between high schools during the last 6 weeks of yr 7. She was absolutely worried sick during the couple of weeks leading up to the swap but after the first day she was fine.

Big hugs, hopefully once the change is made she’ll settle and thrive for you x

My 6 year old is also moving school and we are moving her now to have a few weeks of summer fun, meet her classmates etc and be familiar with the school before she starts a new school year.

Do it now. There is no point letting her anxiety grow over the summer holidays.

I could of wrote this post 12 months ago. Except the assessment for ND but right down to the stomach aches at bedtime
I opted to start a new school year at a new school, and with the term being so close to ending all the fun end of year activities was a nice way to tie off leaving one school and ready to start a new one with a break in-between.
My DD didn't want to move, at all, and I was worried but it's been the best decision. There are so downsides, we can no longer get to school without the car but I've not once regretted it and my DD is thriving and so much less anxious.
You have to decide what's best for her long term and trust your instincts.

Have you considered home schooling her? This could be a good break, until she has regained her sense of self, calmed down and had a period of stability. Then push forward with the new school. All this change and upset is a lot for someone so young.

Well that’s another thing we’re struggling with given where we are in the school year - is it best to do it in the last few weeks of term or should we wait for a fresh start in September?

I'd do it now if you can and hope that she likes it when she gets there. Otherwise she's got the summer holidays to get herself even more worked up about the change.

My friends daughter has additional needs and had her heart set on a particular school, all her friends were going there. Her mother knew the right school for her was elsewhere but the daughter cried and cried and cried for months begging the mother and pleading with her, it was heartbreaking.

she had she almost caved in, she came to me and I said the same thing ‘she is not able to make this decision so you have to do it for her.’

She didn’t cave in and sent her to them the right school FOR HER. It is hard being a parent sometimes but ultimately you are doing this for her, because you love her. Don’t bend, do the best thing for her and move her.

My friends daughter did absolutely brilliantly at that school by the way, and after one day there, was absolutely in love with the place and never mentioned the other school again!

You can do this, stay strong!

I have an autistic daughter and we moved her in year 3 it was very difficult for her but she did settle eventually

Give she maybe is nd you need to accept that this is just something that will.be very difficult for her. There is no way round it. I understand you want an easier route but there just won't.be one.

This is the worst time of year for anxious kids so much change .

Just slog on and stay calm it's nearly the end of term.then try to give the subject a rest

If she needs to move then she needs to.

Be prepared that being realistic if she is Nd she may also have struggles at the next school

Sorry op huge sympathies. These kids have a rocky road but you are trying a new setting and that is just part of the path to finding what is right for her

I agree with the other posters OP, it sounds like while she might not like it, your DD needs this change, so I think you really do have to push on through with it. I dare say that you've been the one who's handled the problems at her current school, and in a round about way, she probably feels that you getting involved has made things worse, which is why she's angry at you. So if her Dad can help, I really think he needs to step up, and help both you, and her through this. Please DON'T doubt yourself, it really does sound like you're making the right decision.

Just move her and don’t talk about it.
You have to make the best decision for her, she is only a small child and can’t make these decisions. She will be fine just do it quickly and no more talking about it. all the best x

Hello lovely
Did not want you left unread.
I'd move her, yes and hang on in there.
School refusal based on anxiety/from ASC is a bloody nightmare and I feel your pain.
Any chance her Dad can do the getting ready/school run during the transition period?
The old school sound crap especially around safeguarding.
Is she due to start new school Sept? Is the next couple of weeks bedding in and is it a must?

Absolutely push on. Of course she's anxious with all she's been through but it can't be worse than where she is and highly likely it'll be a lot better, might take some time to settle but you are absolutely totally right to be moving her. She's just terrified of the change.