AIBU for noticing this?

Boy mum alert 👀 No I haven't noticed that, HTH. In addition, a better comparison would be a married man and his dad really. I know plenty of men who see their dads weekly for golf or football etc. With regards to venting, that's what friends are for. I don't think it's particularly useful to slag off your spouse to family. They don't forgive or forget.

I must say I’m actually pleasantly surprised over half of mumsnetters see my point. It’s definitely an element of “support the family unit” “you are now a grandmother and your role is solely being a grandmother to your GC but don’t ever acknowledge that you are also your son’s mother.” Because family unit that is present and expected with mothers of sons that isn’t expected with mothers of daughters .

Yes exactly. I do really think there’s this expectation that if a son vents to his family particularly his mother they will side with the wife or almost take up for her like she is their daughter and a mother of a son is expected to almost forget that her son is her son and defend her DIL or tell her son she won’t get involved and not to talk about his wife that way

yes but that’s not the point the point is if the husband wasn’t invited in the first place no one would bat an eye but if a DIL isn’t invited to a mother son hangout all these phrased like apron strings and mommas boy gets thrown around

From reading posts on here such as the one where the mom wants to take her son out to eat one on one for his birthday and his wife gets upset at not being invited or the other one where a mother wants to take her son out to a baseball game there is a pattern I have noticed.

I've noticed that once a son gets married and has kids, the expectation is that his mother will prioritize her role as a grandmother and support the family unit as a whole. But sometimes, this can feel like a shift away from the mother-son relationship.

For example, if a son wants to spend time with his mom one-on-one, it might be seen as taking away from family time. Or, if he vents to his mom about his wife, she's expected to remain completely neutral or even shut down the conversation by telling him she won't listen to negative talk about his wife. Some might even expect her to point him in the direction of a therapist, implying that his issues are his own problem to deal with. It's like there's an unspoken rule that a mother's role is to support the marriage at all costs, rather than nurture her individual relationship with her son or offer emotional support.

And it gets even more complicated when it comes to showing appreciation for her son's accomplishments. If a mother wants to treat her son to something special for working hard or achieving a milestone, it's often viewed as undermining her DIL or not recognizing her efforts. Like, somehow, showing love and appreciation for her son is seen as a criticism of her DIL.

It's interesting to note that the dynamic can be different for mothers and daughters. When a daughter vents about her husband, her mother is often expected to be a supportive listener. And when a daughter wants to spend time with her mom, it's usually seen as a normal and healthy part of their relationship. Mothers of daughters also seem to get a pass when it comes to showing appreciation and support - no one expects them to stop being their daughter's mom just because she's married or has kids.

I'm curious - have others noticed these dynamics? How do you navigate these relationships and expectations? Do you think there's a double standard at play, or am I just reading too much into it?

yes but that’s not the point the point is if the husband wasn’t invited in the first place no one would bat an eye but if a DIL isn’t invited to a mother son hangout all these phrased like apron strings and mommas boy gets thrown around

I am a mother to a young son and a young daughter and I do see it play out in real life, based on responses on here and in other forums, and with people who have DILs. I just feel like it will be acceptable to not just essentially "fall back" on my relationship with my daughter when she grows up and if she marries and has children that I will be able to continue to nurture my relationship with her through activities like lunch or dinner, shopping, spa days etc. But if I were to notice my son's stress and he is married with kids it would be viewed through the lens of, "well what are you doing for your DIL or way to ignore her stress as well." Like I am expected to view my son as being morphed into one family unit alongside my DIL and my grandchild. I really don't want that. I want to be able to maintain an individual relationship with my son even if he marries the same I would for my daughter.

Just like it is socially acceptable for a woman to say to her mother, "ughh I am so frustrated with Dan I had to remind him about the dishes for the millionth time this week." And a mother could be sympathetic to her daughter even telling her that must be frustrating, tell Dan to step up and it says absolutely nothing to how she feels about her son in law. But if a son says to his mom, "ughh Monica keeps nagging me about cleaning up the garage." and if his mom were to not immediately say, "hey listen that sounds like it's between you and your wife work it out or hey don't talk about your wife like that." it's viewed as not respecting his marriage or not liking her DIL. Whereas regardless of gender I want both my kids to feel free to come to me openly about anything at any points in there life.

See but that’s just it even if the DIL is interested in doing those things it’s still the mother’s right to have alone time with her son married or not. Why is that a problem to nurture your own relationships with people. Being married doesn’t mean she is no longer his mother.

There was another recent thread on here with a woman was upset that her mil invited just her husband and child out for things like coffee here and there but again if a mother were to invite just her daughter and GC out and not invite the husband/SIL no one would bat an eye. People may night wanna admit the double standard but it exists

To address your comment about why wouldn’t I try something for the new mom that’s exactly the double standard I’m talking about. Of why is it not acceptable for a mom to once in a great while do a nice thing for her son independent of his wife without the DIL being well what about me. Her son is her child her DIL isn’t. The same could be said in reverse each time the daughter’s mom takes her out and pays for her mani pedi well where is her son in law’s treat? Each time she buys her clothes well where are your son in laws clothes?

To address your comment about why wouldn’t I try something for the new mom that’s exactly the double standard I’m talking about. Of why is it not acceptable for a mom to once in a great while do a nice thing for her son independent of his wife without the DIL being well what about me. Her son is her child her DIL isn’t. The same could be said in reverse each time the daughter’s mom takes her out and pays for her mani pedi well where is her son in law’s treat? Each time she buys her clothes well where are your son in laws clothes?

But you’re stereotyping. Just as much as you say these mothers can’t let go. Why do they have to let go when mothers of daughters aren’t expected to discard their daughter upon marriage? And for ever crazy MIL there is a crazy DIL who can’t accept the fact her husband has a mother he wants to spend time with as well. It goes both ways.

Again I see it play out where a MIL of a son is expected to solely support the marriage and not individually support her son and his needs bc god forbid she gets accused of being cold to her DIL. She is effectively expected to champion for and treat her DIL like a daughter and view her as equal to her son almost.