Page 2 | Disappointed in husband’s reaction to pregnancy test

Weejayy · 2025-07-03T14:24:16+00:00

Hi all, I (30f) was sitting on my sofa this morning researching TTC and had just taken a pregnancy test because my period is late. My husband (30m) walks in says good morning and sits down. he says ‘oh wow, it’s already the third of July. Time goes so fast.’ i say ‘can you read this pregnancy test, I can’t tell if it’s negative.’ he says (no joke) ‘oh what a nice lamp.’ I’m confused and go ‘can you please read the pregnancy test?’ he says ‘that’s nice embroidery’ (on the cushion) I’m like wth? So I say ‘you don’t care about the pregnancy test?’ he says ‘no, the pregnancy isn’t important. I said something and you ignored it.’ i go ‘what did you say?’ he storms out and says I treat him badly. I came back this afternoon from work and he acted like nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I’m seething. I’m pretty sure the test was negative, will check again tomorrow but I’m so angry. What if that had been me telling him I was pregnant? For context, we’ve been ttc for 3 years now. Had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks in September last year and a late (16 week) miscarriage in May this year. He was always like ‘oh that’s cool’ when I told him about the first one, and a bit cautious but happy about the second one when I told him I was pregnant. I find this reaction a bit much though. I get he wanted me to say something about time going fast but to completely dismiss a pregnancy test over it? Am I being unreasonable?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/07/2025 11:08

Helen483 · 05/07/2025 10:51

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late)

I don't understand why you need to test so soon. Can't you wait until your period is 2 weeks overdue? In fact, why not wait until you've missed a second period?

Have you TTC over a long period? If you have and were able to wait until you missed two periods to do a test, then you have truly formidable self control. I’ve honestly never known anyone who was able to wait that long. I certainly couldn’t.

CatsnCoffee · 05/07/2025 11:05

Weejayy · 05/07/2025 10:42

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late). I had a four month pregnancy so this was the first test since January. I tested in December. Before that I hadn’t tested since early August when I was pregnant. And the years before that I think I tested twice because my period was late.

@ponoka7 I realise he was being incredibly petty in the original post, I’m still bewildered at the completely immature side to him which drives me mad sometimes. But to be fair to him, he was there during labour for our baby boy who died and held my hand during theatre after my placenta got trapped. I was on the ward for five days after my waters broke and he slept on those awful hospital chairs as often as he could during his exams. I sent him home most nights because they are uncomfortable but he was there the whole long night of labour and we both cried when we held our little boy.

I’m sure having a baby with a temperature is stressful as a couple, but so is picking a tiny casket for a much wanted baby and then lowering it into the ground together.

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I don’t think you were wrong to test when you did. It’s natural that you’re concerned to check when your period is late, following your previous sad experiences. In fact, I would say that it’s the responsible thing to do.

T1Dmama · 05/07/2025 10:59

Weejayy · 05/07/2025 10:42

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late). I had a four month pregnancy so this was the first test since January. I tested in December. Before that I hadn’t tested since early August when I was pregnant. And the years before that I think I tested twice because my period was late.

@ponoka7 I realise he was being incredibly petty in the original post, I’m still bewildered at the completely immature side to him which drives me mad sometimes. But to be fair to him, he was there during labour for our baby boy who died and held my hand during theatre after my placenta got trapped. I was on the ward for five days after my waters broke and he slept on those awful hospital chairs as often as he could during his exams. I sent him home most nights because they are uncomfortable but he was there the whole long night of labour and we both cried when we held our little boy.

I’m sure having a baby with a temperature is stressful as a couple, but so is picking a tiny casket for a much wanted baby and then lowering it into the ground together.

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You’ve been through so much @Weejayy - sorry.
it’s so bloody unfair!

T1Dmama · 05/07/2025 10:57

Helen483 · 05/07/2025 10:51

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late)

I don't understand why you need to test so soon. Can't you wait until your period is 2 weeks overdue? In fact, why not wait until you've missed a second period?

I never used to test (TTC for 11 years) unless I had to (had to test following IVF because back then if positive you had to use pessarys for a couple of weeks I think.

When I was actually pregnant I was 2 weeks late, boobs killing me, skin broke out etc and I felt like shit…. So tested. But I know others just have to know. And I get that too

Helen483 · 05/07/2025 10:51

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late)

I don't understand why you need to test so soon. Can't you wait until your period is 2 weeks overdue? In fact, why not wait until you've missed a second period?

Original poster

Weejayy · 05/07/2025 10:42

Ponoka7 · 05/07/2025 06:25

"He was just so upset about the fact that I hadn’t replied to his comment that he didn’t want to engage in any other discussion, no matter what it’s about."

That's going to work great when, your in labour, your newborn is running a temperature, your toddler has had an accident. Unless you are on medication that you have to stop when pregnant, try to calm down the testing.

I’m so confused about the calm the testing comments. I only test if my period is late. (It’s now four days late). I had a four month pregnancy so this was the first test since January. I tested in December. Before that I hadn’t tested since early August when I was pregnant. And the years before that I think I tested twice because my period was late.

@ponoka7 I realise he was being incredibly petty in the original post, I’m still bewildered at the completely immature side to him which drives me mad sometimes. But to be fair to him, he was there during labour for our baby boy who died and held my hand during theatre after my placenta got trapped. I was on the ward for five days after my waters broke and he slept on those awful hospital chairs as often as he could during his exams. I sent him home most nights because they are uncomfortable but he was there the whole long night of labour and we both cried when we held our little boy.

I’m sure having a baby with a temperature is stressful as a couple, but so is picking a tiny casket for a much wanted baby and then lowering it into the ground together.

OP posts:

Missingpop · 05/07/2025 10:29

Have you ever thought maybe he’s scared; he suffered the miscarriages to they were his children too; he’s had to grieve them as well & he’s possibly afraid that if you become pregnant again his heart might be shattered again; I say this from experience we lost our first three children everyone fussed around me but no one asked my husband how he was feeling & when we lost our child at 18 weeks it hit him very hard he was very invested in the pregnancy but no one thought to as if he was ok of course I did but that was different so lightened up on him a little and talk to him watching you go through so much is also going to be hard for him xx

VenusClapTrap · 05/07/2025 09:25

On the surface his response seems petty, but it depends. Do you ignore his small talk a lot? Dh tends to do this to me, and I cut him some slack because he’s under a lot of stress at the moment.

But after a while it’s really, really irritating. Like the things he has to say are so much more important, and I’m so boring it doesn’t warrant a response. Sometimes it makes me snap HELLO? HELLO? at him. Which is not dissimilar to ‘Oh look at this lamp’. Maybe you’re so preoccupied that he feels invisible, and this was the straw that broke the donkey’s back.

CommonAsMucklowe · 05/07/2025 07:55

Both of you need to grow up. Please don't bring a child into your marriage.

Ponoka7 · 05/07/2025 06:25

"He was just so upset about the fact that I hadn’t replied to his comment that he didn’t want to engage in any other discussion, no matter what it’s about."

That's going to work great when, your in labour, your newborn is running a temperature, your toddler has had an accident. Unless you are on medication that you have to stop when pregnant, try to calm down the testing.

pineapplesundae · 05/07/2025 06:06

I think husband is afraid to get his hopes up. Maybe don’t involve him until you have a positive test. That will be one less thing to fight over.

T1Dmama · 05/07/2025 00:16

And I say that as someone who can emphasise fully x
Ive thankfully never miscarried, but it took me 11 years TTC.
first partner had a terrible sperm count - produced half of what he should and only 10% of that was swimming… so he basically had a 5% sperm count - we were told it was impossible to fall naturally… we went down the heart breaking route of IVF… 4 attempts, 4 negative tests… 4 earth shattering disappointments…
He wouldn’t talk about his feelings, pulled away more each time… he couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about his feelings, couldn’t handle me talking about mine as he felt like a failure… ANYWAY our last attempt failed and I needed a break from all the hormones and hospital visits etc…. And we split up 6 weeks later!
Second partner (who I married) also turned out to have low sperm count, but after a few years of TTC we finally fell…. Had a little girl back in 2010… and TTC again but never happened again.

All I can say, is remember you’re a team, remember to not get lost in TTC.

T1Dmama · 04/07/2025 23:57

I think men are crap at talking about their feelings, even about owning them sometimes!
maybe suggest you both have counselling either together or apart to deal with your losses.
I think men often bury their grief to support us.. they try to be the tough one … but they don’t cope as well as we think they are… in fact we feel offended by their tough act because their tough exterior appears to us as they don’t care… this upsets us and we quiz them, that in turn annoys them because men have been bought up not to cry…. I think we are then in danger of making the whole experience of TTC super stressful - both waiting for the dreaded period to arrive, hoping it wont…. But then when it doesn’t and we finally get that long awaited positive test… the other stresses arrive…
No doubt he’s desperate to be a dad… but this bit in between is torture for you both.

Book a weekend away, don’t make it about TTC, just book somewhere where you can go out and spend time together having fun

Isabellivi · 04/07/2025 23:48

After 3 years he’s probably accepted that you may never conceive and isn’t going to invest a lot of energy into it

that is long and tbh you sound like you have hormonal problems…. This is not something I would seethe about … If your relationship is so tense and you are so easily angered you probably should never have a baby.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/07/2025 23:13

He thinks you ignoring him is more important than the possibility of you being pregnant.
To me this seems very needy and controlling- if he is outraged at the idea you would be more invested in having a child than tending to his desires I think having children with him would be a huge mistake. If he feels you aren't giving him enough attention now, what is he going to be like when you actually have a baby. I think you dodged a bullet.

CatsnCoffee · 04/07/2025 22:38

@HistoricalOrchard

You just described my marriage 😓

berightorbehappy · 04/07/2025 21:59

Double check that he actually WANTS a baby . Some straight talking is required. If there are other issues in the relationship hold off on becoming parents until they are resolved .

Helen483 · 04/07/2025 21:42

ZoggyStirdust · 03/07/2025 15:46

Tbh if you ignored me as you were on your phone then started trying to engage me in what you wanted to say I’d feel a bit grumpy.

more so if it’s a regular thing

yes of course a pg test is important but in that moment I can understand his feelings

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Well I wouldn't!

If I said good morning to my DH and he ignored me I'd do one of two things. Either I'd shrug and retreat to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. OR I'd sit down next to him and say"what are you so interested in here that you can't talk to me?"

What I absolutely would NOT do is make passive aggressive comments about the furnishings and then storm off in a snit.

OP I'm so sorry but this guy doesn't care very much about you and your feelings. And he certainly doesn't care whether you make a baby together or not.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/07/2025 21:35

Inyournewdress · 04/07/2025 20:56

It is insane, especially in this context. His comment was basic fairly inane small talk, while OP was clearly preoccupied with something very important. Ask if …when you have a baby you are busy feeding or comforting your child and fail to respond in full to him pointing out that it’s raining…..is that going to be an issue? i had a child with severe reflux and DP and I probably failed to take in about 80% of what the other said. Still do tbh 😆

OP I am so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately I think you need to do some really honest examination of this relationship. Maybe he is just getting stressed with ttc (although he didn’t offer that explanation himself I notice), but just be sure this isn’t the tip of a coercive control iceberg. If it is part of a wider picture of you walking on eggshells then leave.

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Yup. All of this.

Inyournewdress · 04/07/2025 20:56

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/07/2025 07:51

He was just so upset about the fact that I hadn’t replied to his comment that he didn’t want to engage in any other discussion, no matter what it’s about.

You get that this is insane, right? This isn’t normal behaviour.

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It is insane, especially in this context. His comment was basic fairly inane small talk, while OP was clearly preoccupied with something very important. Ask if …when you have a baby you are busy feeding or comforting your child and fail to respond in full to him pointing out that it’s raining…..is that going to be an issue? i had a child with severe reflux and DP and I probably failed to take in about 80% of what the other said. Still do tbh 😆

OP I am so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately I think you need to do some really honest examination of this relationship. Maybe he is just getting stressed with ttc (although he didn’t offer that explanation himself I notice), but just be sure this isn’t the tip of a coercive control iceberg. If it is part of a wider picture of you walking on eggshells then leave.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/07/2025 20:54

Whilst I can understand the dh may be upset about the miscarriages.. surely he hasn't suffered as much as OP who had to go through them... and therefore why is it OK to behave like that.

Expecting her to reply to the wierd statement about the time... when she was asking for his help to look at the test and then getting angry because he didn't have her immediate attention with the odd... look at that lamp... look at that cushion comments.. just seems a bit harsh. If he's suffering so much. What does he think she's been going through. And why can't he use his words instead of expecting her to guess what he's thinking.

Dreamondreaminon · 04/07/2025 20:37

Blueink · 04/07/2025 19:42

I can't see this relationship having legs, especially when it comes to parenting together.

His initial comment was anyway pretty rhetorical and not necessarily warranting response, even if you hadn't been understandably distracted at the time.

Then he immediately threw his toys out with his passive aggressive comments about the lamp and cushions. Attention seeking, gas lighting twat.

Not worth the years of regret with this one.

I agree with this. If he's petty like this when there's literally nothing going on there, how horrible will he be when you guys are sleep deprived, at the end of your tether and the trenches of parenting.

Dreamondreaminon · 04/07/2025 20:35

He was just so upset about the fact that I hadn’t replied to his comment that he didn’t want to engage in any other discussion, no matter what it’s about.

Sorry, who the fuck thinks that saying the date is a topic of conversation? It wasn't even a question or anything, could have stayed in his head. Such strange behaviour, and frankly controlling.

August1980 · 04/07/2025 20:31

oh op, we were on the iVF rollercoaster for nearly 8 years!
could it be he is far more upset:hurt about the miscarriages and loses than he is letting on? No excuse really for his behaviour just a thought maybe he doesn’t want his hopes dashed and is trying to protect himself? Coping with TTC and loss is huge!!
best of luck. Hope you two talk it through when things settle x

Missj25 · 04/07/2025 20:26

PinkBobby · 03/07/2025 15:51

I can’t remember who said it (I’m pretty sure it was Gabor Mate but could be totally off) but someone once said if someone’s reaction is more than a 5 (1 being super chill and 10 being screaming at you), you’re arguing about something else. I would guess that there’s some underlying issues going on there re him feeling heard/listened to or potentially about the pregnancy after what you’ve been through. I am not condoning what he did or said but I think it’s worth apologising for not responding to him first (annoying, I know but then they don’t have a foot to stand on because you’re being uber reasonable) and asking what’s really going on. I disagree with the posters who says he’s a POS - you guys have been through so much and that trauma can turn up in all sorts of unusual ways. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and try to have a chat about it and get to the bottom of what’s caused this miscommunication.

The best advice by far ..
Good luck OP , I hope you & your husband conceive soon, & everything works out well for you both , & that ye are very happy 🤞 x x