Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

You can 'live your own life' and still be interested in your loved ones lives though surely? The two things are not mutually exclusive 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you read the posts you’ll see it’s not just being interested in their own lives. It is being rudely and narcissistically being disinterested in anyone else’s life. To be so disinterested that one’s grand daughter is getting married or that your son is having a heart op that you interrupt to talk about your weekly grocery delivery is either mental decline or self absorption.

Or living your life.

but teenage brains haven’t fully developed do they are excused for being self absorbed. At 70 you either have dementia or you are just socially incompetent

I am not sure that it's self absorbed to be living their own lives.
Do you want them to be a supporting actor in your life as opposed to the main actor in their own life?

Yep. Noticed in the last couple of years that my mum is becoming increasingly self-absorbed. Knows everything about what X, Y, and Z from the pub and their family are up to but then asks me questions like "where do you work again?". She'll tell me the same story over and over . We can be together for a good couple of hours before she'll ask me a starter-for-10 question like "how's work?".

I'm not very good at talking about myself because her behaviour has started to make me think that I'm boring and no one cares about what I have to say, which isn't great.

For her I think part of it might be that her and my step-dad coexist semi-peacefully rather than having a happy relationship in which they care about each other. So she's out of the habit of taking an interest in another person because it's not the default at home.

Yes we have same. She was excited when my daughter got her college place but it quickly goes back to all about her. Im never asked how I am lol. 80s

I can relate OP.

My DF, when I walk in my DP's house:
me: Hi Mum...Hi Dad
DF: I've had a letter from XYZ, can you have a look? - he gets up from the chair and hands me said letter and waits expectantly. I turn away...kiss/hug Mum and we have the usual how are you conversation. DF still standing there awaiting my response...🙄

MIL:
My DD (her DGD): I've started driving lessons Grandma...
MIL (interrupts): Oh, gosh, I remember learning to drive.. I did this and I did that...it took me 3 times to pass my test...yadda yadda...

This occurs a lot with my DF; absolutely NO thought to say 'hi canijustsayonething, how are you?' before launching into mountain out of molehill some issue or other.

Likewise with MIL, never asks any questions about how the driving was going, how many lessons she'd had, had she passed the theory yet etc. MIL is like this with ANY conversation with anyone though. No interest with what you've said - only how it relates to her and her experiences. 🙄all very self centred.

So relatable especially the blank vacant stare. Although I think that’s when they’re assessing whether our news will be something to talk about at the golf club later.

It’s not age related though - they’ve always been this way. When mil met my dps she didn’t know their names, and was quite put out that my dm knew hers. At my wedding, gave out to me because she didn’t know what to tell her relatives when they asked what my profession was. When we fell pregnant with their first gc, fil wound up the conversation with “so you’ve no news then” 🙄

There is only my Dad and DP's Dad left.

Both are pretty obviously ASD - self absorbed, one track mind, gotta stick to routine or their worlds fall apart.

DP's Dad is still very active, out and about doing his hobby (not cycling!) and whilst he won't listen to anyone else at least he tends to have new stories every few weeks - they all centre around how awesome he is at his hobby (and to be fair, he is talented) and how everyone thinks he's great... but at least its new news.

My Dad - having just escaped hospital and returned home when we did not think he would... is a billion times worse than when he went in, he's had people waiting on him hand and foot and now is even more firmly entrenched in the idea that everyone else has nothing to do but entertain him.

He does nothing - TV (reruns of Last of the Summer Wine and Steptoe), Radio (reruns of Hancocks Half Hour and Round the Horne) - goes nowhere but the pub - doesn't LISTEN to anyone and takes zero interest in what anyone is doing...

As a result, he has absolutely fuck all to talk about, but wants to drone on and on, and also wants us to amuse him - no discussion of anything depressing or worrying though! (He totally blanked my sisters heart surgery back in january, pretends I only use a wheelchair because I am lazy.)

He moans on and on that his life is miserable - which it frankly is, but refuses to do anything to help himself whatsoever. I am aware he has dementia but it is at this point just exacerbating personality traits he has always had (he's a toddler in an old mans body and emotionally never got past the age of about 6! His tantrums are legendary amongst those who have known him the better part of his 84 years!)

My patience is wearing extremely thin and it is getting very hard not to be resentful and nasty when he asks for help... All I can think of is 'where were you when I was 16 and begging for your help?' (Home alone when my Mother was sectioned for 6 weeks. Penniless at a residential college local to him, no money for food or laundry. He just said 'well you're your mothers problem, I look after your sister' and that was that!)

But there is nothing to be achieved by throwing that lot at him, he won't remember, if he does he will just tell himself it didn't happen, I am over dramatic, and even if it DID register that he had behaved appallingly, all it would do is make him feel awful and that wouldn't benefit me remotely. The frank and heartfelt apology 'I was wrong and I should not have done that, I am sorry' is never coming.

Sorry that seems rather doom-filled, I don't believe for a second that everyone gets that way when they get older - my partner does some manual jobs for a lady in her 90s and she is an absolute treat. Social, interested in things beyond her personal experiences, funny, kind (and he is basically the 'lad who does maintenance' to her, nothing more).

Erm... what you've described there is basically the balancing act people do in order to try and be good company and a good conversationalist and be interesting but also interested in others... you've identified tha 'minefield' all of us who care about other people try and navigate, nothing to do with age?

I think it’s right that this time is to focus on themselves but the self absorption at the expense of being interested in others isn’t particularly healthy in my opinion. Why have a family if you can’t feel proud and excited about what they are doing. I think they’re likely missing out if they are too inwardly focused.

Yep. My MIL is like this. Looks like she’s half listening when we talk, does a quick nod and smile and tinkly laugh, then gives us extensive Shakespearian monologues about her neighbours dentist appointment/her friends daughters dog/distant cousin
once going on a holiday.

Long anecdotes about people we don’t really know, usually mundane stuff, she just likes to hold court and be the one speaking. We’ve usually already heard the story 8 times too.

It’s extremely boring. She’s only mid-60s. I try to avoid her company where possible.

will you all bloody stop with the age thing?

My df was always like this, I was aware of it even as a child and became very frustrated as a teen. I accept it now reluctantly but it has gotten worse with age. He is in his 80s and it's the same stories over and over, usually with him quoting his own 'hilarious' punch line. '..and do you know what i said to him next!!..'. It's either these repeats or details of roadworks in the town or Donald Trump news so on balance I'd prefer the stories because at least he doesn't get worked up. MIL and FIL are not like that, they are interested in our lives, I think, but often don't ask questions or share information so they sit in silence just staring at the kids while they are eating or chatting.

I feel guilty for saying this but I find being around elderly people excruciating. DF monologues and we sit listening, MIL sits in silence staring, FIL sometimes chats but will randomly switch the conversation, I could be telling him about somewhere I went and mid sentence he will turn away and ask DH about a match. It's extremely socially awkward in each case. I love them but feel relieved when we've spent time together cos I'm off the hook for another week or so.

I'm absolutely dreading being an 'old person'. It's a minefield where offence can be taken at every turn. Ask too much about your family's lives and you're intrusive. Ask too little and you're disinterested. Talk too much and you're boring. Talk too little and you're dull. Have too few interests and you're over dependent. Have too many and you're wrapped up in yourself. No wonder some older people give up trying altogether and just please themselves.

Yep, it's my in-laws too. It's not about us as their other children and family members, including even my grandparents-in-law have moaned about it. It makes conversation very boring when it's all one way. My mother-in-law was very offended when her parents asked her not to call so often 😆. I think age is part of it as they've definitely got worse over the last few years but in their case, from what I understand from family members, they've always been a bit like that. Age has just amplified it. Honestly I've become quite happy about it because it's led to some truly appalling behaviour that has allowed me to legitimately go no contact with them, with no-one questioning it or suggesting I'm mean. Those who haven't done it yet are jealous 😂. I'm enjoying the freedom of no longer having to be polite or do the work of encouraging family relationships with two very dislikable people!

My father is also like this but he always has been. He is a very clear and obvious case of undiagnosed neurodiversity and my brother and I have spent our entire lives being embarrassed by his behaviour. Fortunately no-one wants anything to do with him and he has become increasingly hermit-like so it's becoming less of a problem over time. If he does start one of his monologues at rare family events, these days everyone tends to just ignore him and start their own conversations over him. It's not a problem as his self-absorption and need to hear his own voice mean he doesn't seem to notice it happening. My mother is not like this at all.

It tends to be criticised as agist here on Mumsnet to suggest something like this is a common result of aging but anecdotal evidence strongly suggests it is. However I believe there must also be an element of personality in it. There are plenty of people who will point out that their parents/other older people they know have escaped this behaviour. Maybe they were just nicer people in the first place.

I have a mother exactly the same, so self absorbed and utterly selfish. Her lack of empathy annoys me. I’m beginning to think she’s neurodivergent.

I used to have a hairdresser that came to the house when I lived at home. She’d sadly lost her baby, he was stillborn at full term, absolutely devastating. My bloody mother piped up that she had a miscarriage and the G.P told her it’s natures way of saying it wasn’t to be! WTAF, I wanted to slap the silly cow, why would anyone say this, truly awful.

On one of the coach holidays she’s been on she watched a woman for 20 minutes having a stroke before alerting anyone, she isn’t wired up. She’s told our hairdresser that she used to be a nurse, she was a HCA, you really wouldn’t want her nursing you, nurse Ratchet comes to mind, my late dad always called her a drama queen, since he’s passed away I see the full extent of it, it’s painful 😖

This is my PILs too... it makes our relationship really hard as they therefore know nothing about me, because they've never asked. I've been married to their son for 15 years. They're similarly not interested in the children except in their being their grandchildren, ie their interest feels more conceptual than actual. MIL will want the children at a wider family event, in fact will insist on their attendance, but won't actually speak to them. Last year we missed one such event, and said that we were going to come and stay nearby and spend several days with them instead at another time, so that we could spend quality time with them, but MIL didn't want that. She wanted everyone to have clocked their attendance at the lunch instead.

I’m the parent in this case . No , I’m all ears for my son and Dil , and my grandkids get my undivided time and attention constantly.

My MIL is like this and getting worse. Never asks about what I’m doing, talks about herself incessantly. Sometimes complains she doesn’t know what the DC are doing but doesn’t make any attempt to find out by having a conversation as if they tell her something she answers by talking about herself. We find it bemusing, sometimes throw in outright lies to a conversation to see if she listens. We are used to it now but I’m trying to make a mental note to not be like this myself!