Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

I've encountered it more with strangers than parents. Actually people on holiday.

My partner and I turned it into a game realising some people literally have zero interest in you and it's all about them. One holiday we repeatedly met people who never asked a single question about us.

I often wonder do these people leave the conversation and reflect that they learnt nothing about us. Of course not! They don't care as they're so self absorbed.

In the past I used to try to interject...nowadays I can't be bothered and let them talk about themselves at length.

My older brother has always been like this - talking over me, refusing to have a "conversation " only talking at me and not interested in my life. Our late mum was the same but it's funny you don't necessarily see these things until later.
Now he's started being nasty about our cousin as he doesn't agree with her choices for example where to go on holiday so therefore she's wrong.
Is this narc behaviour ? I find it so depressing and actively try to be nothing like this.

Same. My mum has always been like this to a degree but has just got way worse

My mum 100%, she is so so oblivious and it's like the small children / working hard phase never existed. She is regularly confused why l am burned out and tired (she has never cared for my children or even changed a nappy). Also thinks lm always at home and available for her spontaneous requests, then is peeved when l say lm busy (l work full time and have 2 toddlers so life is a little busy!). She can't engage meaningfully at all, we had a fair amount of IVF to have children. I tell her our 2nd cycle had failed, she literally resounds with "sorry to hear that. Pete and Gillian went for a new garage door in black rather than red and it looks much better!"

My in-laws then no, they are engaged and empathic. The age gap is about 18 months so l don't think it's an age thing. I think it's a personality thing and living on your own, you get hyper absorbed on your own needs and fail to compromise. It's a fucking nightmare and makes me want to avoid her like the plague. Even with gentle challenging then she goes berserk

My DM is exactly like this. Every conversation is about her. I think that middle class baby boomers are most like this. Had fairly easy lives, enough money,had kids younger so more time to enjoy life and are now finding life harder in their 70s. Also.a lot of women in that age group didn't work a lot or had high earning husband's who did everything for them and now they can't cope. They have no understanding about life now and how much harder it is. I speak to DM less and less. It's sad.

Oh, this reminds me of elderly MIL. I'd been in hospital getting checked for possible heart problems and all she could go on about was that I had got a taxi home and how much it had cost...

This isn't what we're complaining about though, is it? You point out that you don't go on about the mundanities of your own life where the issue most of us have is that these people aren't interested in the lives of their own family they actually are happy to drone on for ages about random people we'ver never met and have no reason to have any interest in. Not that they're making conversation about interesting things that you mention, that's exactly what they're not talking about. It's a completely different situation.

Sorry @Goldusty I quoted the wrong post here. It was meant in reply to the person who said Gen Z are the most self obsessed people they know. @Boomer55

“It makes me laugh. The most self absorbed people I know are my Gen Z grandchildren.”

I do think it is a “boomer” thing. I’m usually not a typical boomer-bashing millennial but can it be a coincidence?!
Older relatives eg my great aunt 88, aren’t like this. My friend has a grandad 91 who is lovely and chatty despite having a very small world, low mobility and hardly any eyesight.
But it seems to be mine and all my friend’s parents who are around the 65-75 mark, generally well off and have a good social life after retirement, seemingly oblivious to the fact that their adult children don’t really want to hear about uncle Dave’s upcoming wisdom tooth extraction for the 3rd week in a row or that when a child wins at sports day they want to talk about their achievements not hear about how next door’s son is a marathon runner actually. It’s just a bit tone deaf.

I don’t see how you can be so uninterested in other people’s lives like your children and grandchildren but expect them to be interested in the lives of uncle Dave and next door’s son??

Young people are wired to be self obsessed though. It’s a developmental phase. Is it the same when you hit 65?! No, it’s a choice after a certain age.

I remember as a kid old people being like this - same stories again and again, and only talk about themselves, don't really listen.

I think it's a mix of cognitive/social decline and also loneliness.

This sounds familiar! For me it was telling my Dad I was being made redundant and he said “oh no sweetheart! Sorry to hear that…You know Joe Bloggs is currently facing redundancy.. he’s got a few months left on his contract and they might not renew it… he’s not sure yet… but it’s a big worry for him.. hopefully it won’t come to that.. etc etc etc
then follows a 20 minute monologue about what Joe Bloggs does all day and other things that are going on his life.

Erm yeah… that’s interesting Dad. Poor Joe Bloggs. You know I’ve ACTUALLY been made redundant, and right now I no longer have a job and have no idea where the mortgage and food is coming from for the next few months !? FFS !!

In my experience, it isnt necessarily an age thing. My mother and father in law are always interested in our lives and always ask what their grand kids have been up to. They are mid eighties.

My father on the other hand is very similar to other posters parents. We lost my mam in 2020 at the age of 72 and she was always very interested in all our lives right up to the end. I initially invited my dad to come for an evening meal once a week at our house and both me and OH were starting to get increasingly weary of hearing the same stories repeated week after week, even after telling him he had already told us. For my sanity I cut it down to once a fortnight which is more bearable. He is a fit 77 year old who still works 2 days a week but his me me me attitude has always been there. I work 3 days a week and if asked, he wouldnt be able to tell you which 3 days as he is not interested where as my mam would have known which days I worked, who I worked with, who I liked and didnt like, any gossip going on etc etc because she was interested.

It used to really upset me as I had the impression he just doesnt care about me but it seems he is the same when he visits my brother so I have had to learn to laugh about it and let it go over my head.

We even had a secret bingo board going one night when he came with "sayings" that we knew he would come out with.

I'll be like that. Well I already am, but being just slightly more than half your PIL's age - I mask it better. But it's getting increasingly difficult with age.

For me, it's because all their shit is...dull. I. Just. Don't. Care. I fake it, and make appropriate noises, but sometimes I just can't anymore.

I want to talk about interesting things. Discuss politics, global events, war, one issue or the other, talk art, books, cinema, traveling, etc. Not 'oh today at work my colleague said this, can you imagine, and then she did this, how dare she, that cow and then...'. Or listening about 'it's been buzzing in my ear (for the past fucking 30 years!) and what could it be I wonder, maybe I should this and that'. And all the mundane crap like that. Where did you go today, what did you do, who did you speak to, what did they say, what did you buy, yadda yadda yadda. It's tedious!

My parents are not elderly, frail, ill people. Mum's not 60 yet, dad's 61.

Or yea - I got a new job. Well congrats! What's the job? This and that. Oh ok, wish you well. That's it, 2 mins. What's there to talk about? I don't want to hear you droning about it in detail, if it's not my field.

I don't go on about mundanities of my life in detail to anyone and don't want to listen about others'. Something INTERESTING happened - great - tell me about it!! All ears. Not everyday bullshit. I'm not saying I live a high flying life full of adventure. No. I do plenty of boring regular stuff. But I don't want to talk about it.

But tbh my (potential/future) granddaughters wedding in Italy - now that would definitely be interesting and worth discussing, for sure.

My dad is the same. I think of him as a benign narcissist but it is very annoying and gets very boring after a while.

My SIL is 76. She was horrified that we look after our grandchildren for 10 hours every Monday. Her comment was " I quite like my grandchildren but seeing them once every 3 months is plenty ".She always complained that her parents weren't involved with her children.

My DiLs father is only interested in a conversation if it's about him. If the conversation moves on to another person within the family his eyes glaze over and his hand reaches for his phone to begin doom scrolling. He is either the main character in everything or he has switched off

My Dad is like this, I remember ringing him because I was excited the LA had agreed to name an ASD provision for DS1 for secondary. My dad responded with "I've got tonsillitis!" Err OK? He is very preoccupied with health, despite never having anything serious, so I guess to him they were an equal exchange of news 🤔

My FIL is wonderful and I'm very lucky to have him. Both mine and DHs mum's have passed, they were both really engaged grandparents and just nice to chat to.

Is the DD story about Italy and getting married a real example? Is this their grandchild? It seems very strange that they would not know that she was in a serious relationship and have no idea who "this man" might be.

How is their hearing? FIL is absolutely awful at conversation these days and I think is partly because of his hearing loss. He monologues, doesn't ask anybquestions because he can't hear the responses. He has hearing aids, but often doesn't wear them.

Yep we visit my mother once a week on a Wednesday after school and she barely speaks to the kids anymore, even insists we sit in a different room so we can chat (about her friends, uncles I barely remember, a long story about taking something back to the shops) and then occasionally glances in the other room at the kids and laughs that they’re always on devices.
She used to play with them? Now they’re just bored!
Barely asks about anything the kids have been up, how I am, but tells me all about next door’s holiday plans.
It’s not selfish in a mean way, she’s perfectly nice, it’s just very dismissive of anything not her-related.

My parents to a tee - and increasingly IL - MIL used to be great with the teens and now they often try and disappear or worse shooed away- though TBF they are up for doing things still which my parents weren't much younger - so going out and doing things still works.

I remember Dmum fuming my DGparents told us all about the neigbours bussiness little interest in us - and she and IL are the same now - I know an awful lot about one side that talks to them in both cases having barely met them.

I don't think it's a 50-60 thing it's a mid 70s thing at least for parents generation and my own DGP went similar at slightly younger age - and DH says he did. I think it's partly when ill health and chornic conditions also start to hit and world get smaller.

FIl is slightly better last few months - and I think it's the hearing aids - so he can follow along a bit better to conversations.

It's interesting you post this.

My mum has narc traits. In recent years her stories have become very repetitive - negative and nasty stories about relatives, generally. For people saying don't be ageist - I cannot decide if this is the start of sort of dementia in some ways so I do feel like I have to assess it in this context.

If the stories aren't of this nature, the conversation is about her in one way or another, she has a habit of centering herself in things generally. If I'm upset about something that happened to me, she'll often cut me off and say "But xyz me, I feel, I never had, this happened etc" and I have recently had to say outright: "This is not about you, for once I am talking about my experience!" That did shut her up. I have a cousin who was wrestling with a possible cancer diagnosis - thankfully it was benign. Instead of focusing on that, she was bitching about the fact she'd stayed in a nice hotel the night before the biopsy. I'd had enough and completely pulled her up on it. Can you imagine grumbling about someone having a martini after they'd just been told they don't have ovarian cancer?!

My mum is like this. She has been bleeting on about her b12 injections. If i dare to tell her if i am ill she immediately makes out that she is more ill. I managed to hurt my knee when i changed the bed last week. Okay i am getting better. However my mum has not even bothered to ask how i am.

I think its a personality thing rather than necessarily an age thing.

I can see why if you have less contact with a variety of people that you might become more inward looking and less able to engage with others.

As can be seen on this thread lots of older family members are very happy to talk with (not at) people.

Yes, own parents are self absorbed and on reflection always have been. Not quite sure why they even had kids tbh, they were young parents and I suspect it was just the done thing in those days. Any interest in us as people was lots by the time we reached teen years, when I think about it. They are not involved in me or my DC life beyond the usual birthday and Christmas greetings. Same for siblings. They have active lives in retirement and are only interested in us on a superficial level and rarely contact for a chat or ask to see us. It’s not unusual to not speak or hear from
Either of them in months. They’ve never baby sat or helped practically with DC in that way, or if we’ve moved house or just anything really. In laws are also self absorbed but not busy, very insular and don’t do anything or go anywhere. They are now retired and have nothing to talk about. If they do talk, it’s just about their (imaginary) problems. Again no help with the DC.

I have friends with very active and engaged parents and in-laws and I think we’ve been pretty unlucky to have it on both sides but what can you do. I’m just thankful that we’ve never had to rely on them for anything because we would be let down for sure.

Yes ex fil was like this, he was always like this too. Always thinking of how any action taken would benefit him. Never did anything at all if it wasn’t of benefit to him, and never enquired about anyone else. Ex mil indulged him.
Dh has a relative like this, she isn’t elderly. Never, ever asks about our dcs, ever. Never ever asks about things we have done etc. So now I’ve stopped asking her about her dcs and anything about herself. Better this way.