Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

185 replies

oldparents · 03/07/2025 11:52

Over the last 5 years, I've noticed that our parents have become increasingly self absorbed, but just lately this has been in epic, if not rude, proportions!

PIL in particular, have zero interest in our lives, our jobs, our holidays. They are mid 70's and still very fit and healthy. They travel extensively (about 5 times a year). When we see them, they regale us with all of their holiday stories and photo's, but ask nothing about what we have been up to (even if they know we have also been somewhere/had a job change, whatever).

If we talk about anything, this is met with a stare and utter silence when they try to think about how they can make this line of conversation turn back to being about them. For eg. I was telling them recently that our daughter will be travelling to Italy soon and might be getting married. Cue a long stare and silence, and then FIL pipes up "I was in Italy once and........" (followed by a story about his trip to Italy about 10 years ago). No questions asked about daughter, why she's going to Italy, who this man is, where would they live, would she work there .....all the things I am sure that most people would ask.

Semi light hearted, I wondered if anyone else had parents who have morphed into this weird version of themselves? Is it an age thing? I think it must be!

It's such a shame, because our meet up's used to be so much more fun when they were in their 60's (before they got like this).

OP posts:
FiendsandFairies · 04/07/2025 00:14

That’s really sad OP. My parents both died in 2022 but we were all so close. I don’t think your experience is normal at all unfortunately.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2025 00:06

My mother was always monumentally self absorbed for a s long as I can remember. By her own admission she was the spoilt indulged youngest, born in 1950. Her parents suddenly had more money when she was a teen as my grandfather started earning more at a time when her two older sisters had moved out when they got married.

She took this into marriage, and my father was well aware he was punching when she married him, so also indulged her. Whenever he said no to her WWIII erupted.

So that was always there. Both of these things have definitely increased. But is it age due to simply ageing or is it age as in these habits have simply become so ingrained?

Her being utterly self absorbed and him giving his all, not only to her but to his DD's and his GC is not new but it really has got more and more noticeable in the last ten years or so. It also coincided with her retiring and him needing more care due to losing his hearing and sight in a short time. I became his carer and yet seem to spend more time doing things for her despite her being more than capable of doing things for herself.

I dont think she is narcissistic, an overused term imo, just doesnt give other people a single thought.

SquishedMallow · 03/07/2025 23:59

Sounds like my DH (but he's autistic)

Supersimkin7 · 03/07/2025 23:43

The saddest is that being this boring and self-interested is really bad for the ageing brain.

Socialising is proven to keep the mind active, but monologuing at your unfortunate family doesn’t count. Neither does endless me drivel. You need to take an interest and ping-pong in proper two-way conversation. Then maintain it.

Well, care homes beckon for the selfish.

echt · 03/07/2025 23:39

I'm 70 and first responder for older neighbours in their late 80s. One of the couple has dementia but not horrendously so. I've noticed over the last year that when I go round there's an absolute barrage of one-sided chat from the one who is fine and it's increased over time. I put it down to not being able to talk to their life's partner and leading a more circumscribed life due to caring responsibilities.

Eventually the flow abates and I'm able to ask questions and get some back to me so I can see they're otherwise OK as well as have a more balanced conversation, so in their case it's not directly age-related, i.e their personality is unchanged.

I live on my own and can go for days without having conversation, though lots of texting with DD and WhatsApp friends and rels. Not the same though.

This thread has made me think, and my money's on basic personality + isolation + the consciousness that your time is running out, though it doesn't explain every case on this thread.

Pomegranatecarnage · 03/07/2025 23:32

I must have been lucky, neither of my late PILs were like this, neither my own parents. I’d struggle to cope with it to be honest.

Cherrysoup · 03/07/2025 23:17

I once phoned my parents to tell them the dog had died. I was obviously very upset. Mum apparently was watching Tipping Point, my dad said he’d see if she was available. I think we didn’t speak for some weeks. Crazy.

borderlaise · 03/07/2025 23:13

I can say hand on heart that neither of my parents have ever been too interested or too intrusive. One has forgotten I exist and the other can remember a birthday but would never call for a chat or check how I am. I cannot recall either of them saying they love me, in my entire life. Are they horrible people? No. Did they provide for us growing up? Yes. Are they good parents? Not really. Do I want to be a different type of parent? Absolutely.

StrawberrySquash · 03/07/2025 23:02

5128gap · 03/07/2025 13:12

I'm absolutely dreading being an 'old person'. It's a minefield where offence can be taken at every turn. Ask too much about your family's lives and you're intrusive. Ask too little and you're disinterested. Talk too much and you're boring. Talk too little and you're dull. Have too few interests and you're over dependent. Have too many and you're wrapped up in yourself. No wonder some older people give up trying altogether and just please themselves.

Surely it's like most things in life and you just want balance?

Rosepalmaviolets · 03/07/2025 22:49

But clearly lots of them out there.

Rosepalmaviolets · 03/07/2025 22:49

My in laws have always been like this, they may ask the dc one question then it reverts straight back to the themselves.
I've never met such incredibly self centered people

Lemonandlime123 · 03/07/2025 22:38

My MIL is like this. Many years ago I asked her to babysit my DD for the first time, who was just a few months old, so I could attend my Grandad’s funeral. When I picked her up afterwards the funeral wasn’t mentioned, no condolences offered .. she just went on about the great day they’d had!

Now I don’t bother to ask her any questions, so I just wait until she makes conversation.

Birdh0use · 03/07/2025 22:29

I feel like all my family are like this. My job also involves listening to people and I am good at it. But ffs, would 1 person ever ask me how was my day......

mathanxiety · 03/07/2025 21:55

Are they getting a little deaf? Did they hear all the details of your news? Your ILs may have heard 'Italy' but very little else may have registered, especially if they couldn't immediately remember who your daughter is.

Since they used to be much more conversational, and would have had lots of questions a decade ago, I suspect it isn't because they were brought up to never appear nosy or ask personal questions.

I'd put this down to a combination of hearing loss and memory not as sharp as it was a few years ago.

FoxInABox · 03/07/2025 21:49

This thread reasonates so much! Both my DM,DF and FIL are the same. I’m sick of feeling like I’m interviewing them- it’s not a conversation any more as they are only interested when it’s what they want to talk about. I remember a few years back we were going on an amazing holiday that we had saved so hard for, our young DC were so excited, me & the DC bumped in to DF the day before we left and I was saying how excited we all were. His reply - blank stare then told me he had never much thought anything of that destination. Then changed the subject to places he had been.

Leaningcactus · 03/07/2025 21:38

I'm not sure it's an age thing. I have a dm and dsis like this. Sometimes I wonder why I got such selfish relatives then I thank god I'm nothing like them. They've no interest in you, then complain if you don't visit. It's like a weird kind of jealousy.

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:27

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:23

So it’s a recent development ?

I couldn’t and wouldn’t be around someone like this

It does seem to be more since she has got into her 80s. It seems like her 'filter' has gone. She will do things like talk about people sitting near us in a cafe as well, which can be difficult. Not in a racist way but in general about their appearance, what they are eating etc.

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:23

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:20

Mine are teens and not usually around to listen to it but I know what you mean. I would pull her up on it if she started in front of them.

So it’s a recent development ?

I couldn’t and wouldn’t be around someone like this

Canijustsayonething · 03/07/2025 21:22

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:12

I think it is because they’re unpleasant people
always were
always will be

Ah v true for my DF. He's always been a shite person to others.

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:20

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:17

You see I wouldn’t have my children around people like this.

Mine are teens and not usually around to listen to it but I know what you mean. I would pull her up on it if she started in front of them.

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:17

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:16

Another trait I have found is they can rant on about things again and again, MIL does this about 'people coming into the country' I think it sounds racist but just try and ignore it.

You see I wouldn’t have my children around people like this.

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 21:16

Another trait I have found is they can rant on about things again and again, MIL does this about 'people coming into the country' I think it sounds racist but just try and ignore it.

Sugardown · 03/07/2025 21:12

Canijustsayonething · 03/07/2025 21:09

This is another thing I find. My DP's often slag off neighbours or family members. I think it's because their own lives are so dull and boring, they over-invest in others' lives and revel, sneer and rub their hands with glee in people's mis-fortune. A very unpleasant hobby.

I think it is because they’re unpleasant people
always were
always will be

Canijustsayonething · 03/07/2025 21:09

OVienna · 03/07/2025 17:06

It's interesting you post this.

My mum has narc traits. In recent years her stories have become very repetitive - negative and nasty stories about relatives, generally. For people saying don't be ageist - I cannot decide if this is the start of sort of dementia in some ways so I do feel like I have to assess it in this context.

If the stories aren't of this nature, the conversation is about her in one way or another, she has a habit of centering herself in things generally. If I'm upset about something that happened to me, she'll often cut me off and say "But xyz me, I feel, I never had, this happened etc" and I have recently had to say outright: "This is not about you, for once I am talking about my experience!" That did shut her up. I have a cousin who was wrestling with a possible cancer diagnosis - thankfully it was benign. Instead of focusing on that, she was bitching about the fact she'd stayed in a nice hotel the night before the biopsy. I'd had enough and completely pulled her up on it. Can you imagine grumbling about someone having a martini after they'd just been told they don't have ovarian cancer?!

This is another thing I find. My DP's often slag off neighbours or family members. I think it's because their own lives are so dull and boring, they over-invest in others' lives and revel, sneer and rub their hands with glee in people's mis-fortune. A very unpleasant hobby.

Titasaducksarse · 03/07/2025 20:57

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/07/2025 20:19

Oh, this reminds me of elderly MIL. I'd been in hospital getting checked for possible heart problems and all she could go on about was that I had got a taxi home and how much it had cost...

You've just reminded me. I was due to visit mother but cancelled as has first ever bout of vertigo. Home alone and actually MIL came to see me which was kind.

Own mother, no empathy just whittered on about being stressed out worrying who'd I'd got in to rent some land I own next to her. All about her and how mistreated this farmer had been...i actually said 'ffs have you heard yourself '. She's got dementia now so I just let her whitter on.