Anyone else have self absorbed parents and PIL's?

I have a theory I call 'Daily Mail Syndrome'.

PIL and DM have read the Daily Mail since their 40s (at least) and over the past 30-40 years its influence has affected their behavioural and emotional responses and skewed their attitude towards fellow humans.
The paper has given them a sense of entitlement, of always being in the right, of feeling negative about the world and young people.
I theorise that constant daily affirmation can change the neural pathways in the brain.
It certainly caused my MIL huge health anxiety (she had CT scans, MRIs and various tests after reading their scare stories -- when she was always perfectly well) and she quoted it at every opportunity to tell me how to live my life/run my home. And my own DM would tell me how to raise my children based on the likes of Femail, Quentin Letts etc.

It's tragic that the media can poison the mindset of a generation.
Just my own thoughts - obvs if your PIL don't read the DM my theory falls to the ground 😂

I don’t think it’s bragging but it re-affirms my theory that it’s a boomer-specific issue . I know people 80+ who are great at conversation, chatty, interesting and interested. I know boomer bashing is trendy but I’m not trying to do that, I’m genuinely interested in why so many in their generation seem to have this in common.

I don't put up with it at all: it's a major factor in why I don't spend time with my parents!

I shouldn't worry too much, you won't have to put up with it for many more years.

Or maybe it's just that some of us would like to not have to listen to them talking about themselves and random people we've never known for the precious time we spend visiting?

Until you're in that position then you can't possibly understand - as with anything in life. Hasn't it occured to you that the majority of older people have spent the better part of their lives caring for other people and putting themselves last. As for showing an interest in friends, they will be acutely aware of friends dying off around them or becoming ill/infirm. It seems the Mumsnet consensus is that older people should be cheerfully spend their remaining years offering free childcare, releases equity from their homes and generally justifying their existence.

Someone said they were older and tired and that probably explains it. Tired of being an equal participant in a conversation? Surely it's more tiring to do all the talking?

And isn't it a bit niggling at the very least to know your kids might feel this way about you? That you're foisting a really shit side of your personality on people who love you and want you to take a bit of interest in their lives?

christ, that's so horrible.
What did you do at the time? Did you tell him not to bother your Mum and hung up? Did she phone you back immediately? I'm so sorry.

My dad has become quite insufferable over these past few years. Very grumpy and over opinionated. Always thinks he can tell me what to do. Thinks he’s absolutely right in everything he says and thinks and doesn’t like being told he’s wrong. I love him dearly but he infuriates me at times.

It seems to me like complete indifference, devoid of any emotion or intent. As though other people are no more relevant or sentient to them than a dining chair.

I think this is called Main character syndrome at least in younger people.

My eldest in her teen years could be a bit like this with family - we only existed to fcaciliate her life and outside of that we didn't seem to.

My older family are nowhere near as bad as most mentioned on here - it's just a noticable shift and does seem related to declining health and more social isolation and hearing issues and yes some compassion/caring fatigue in some of them.

I find it helps to drop any expectation they might change, and just accept that is how they are. I do things like if meeting MIL go out to a cafe or something then there can be random things to distract her with, such as talking about a passing dog or person, the cafe for example, going to a shop with her...rather than just sitting in the house where they will go on and on and it can become more wearing.

Then finding someone if possible who you can actually talk to properly such as a friend or perhaps therapy / counselling so you have that outlet. Oh and not letting any odd negativity and comments get to you, trying to let it go and not let it bring you down. It's not easy though, I do get cross and try and let that come and go as well.

It’s helpful reading this. My grandma was a big example of this. Uninterested in others, long monologues if she was round for dinner, filling up any gap with saying loudly “and…um..” so no one else could speak before she thought of something else to say. Critical of my mum, which would make her cry sometimes, critical of others generally, how they looked, what they did. Complaining that we kids were not engaging with her enough if we went to our rooms or didn’t sit with her. But wanted us to be there to listen not talk.
No one challenged or confronted her, we just sat it out. There was this thing with my mum and her sisters that we had to be kind to her and not challenge her.
I vowed I would not be a grown up like that. What a waste of what could have been lovely supportive relationships with her large family.
My mum is the same but different. I genuinely think she cares but due to some perhaps undiagnosed neurodivergence she also can have whole conversations about her and the minutia of her life, and be quite low on empathy/ understanding other people, she has always been like that. It was hard growing up but I’ve realised more now the start she had and her difficulties understanding people/situations sometimes.
She can’t really relate to her grandkids but underneath she is caring and supportive and tries to show it in different ways.
Ive got a better mum than she had and the kids have a better grandma that we had.
if I get to live a long time I’m going to invest in my kids and grandkids for sure.

Yep, totally relate to this. I dread calling my parents because my mom just endlessly drones on about her garden, her friends’ and various relatives’ health, and my nephew who she watches for my sister. Meanwhile, she asks virtually nothing about me or my family and, most hurtful of all, my health. I have two chronic health conditions that have severely impacted my life in the past few years and she NEVER asks me how I am or for updates on my health, yet she is visiting my uncle’s wife’s sister every day in hospital and telling me every detail of so-and-so’s upcoming surgery or cancer treatment. It’s like if it’s not life and death she has zero interest because she can’t swoop in and be the martyr. I dread phoning her and do it only every fortnight out of obligation. My FIL is just as bad if not worse, telling the same boring stories and asking nothing about us. I’m sick of it and have stopped engaging.

Oh no, my Mum did something similar on a coach holiday. They were on a stop over and a lady from the coach collapsed near my parents. My Mum stepped over her and went back to the coach. She said there was no point helping her as she couldn't do anything, she's not a doctor. Unbelievable.

A family friend died suddenly a few years ago. My Mum complained that ''we've lost our lift to the airport now''. There's other examples that I'm actually ashamed to type, even though it's not me that said/did it.

I understand how baffling this behaviour is. At first it can look like an insult or being cruel but I'm not sure that's it. It seems to me like complete indifference, devoid of any emotion or intent. As though other people are no more relevant or sentient to them than a dining chair.

The other thing I find is it combined with huge doses of negativity. So if I do mention anything about for example the children, such as I am trying to help them be a bit more independent, I get met with something like "well you've only got yourself to blame for that!"

Also the stories about people they know are often pessimistic / isn't it 'terrible" so you feel you are supposed to be all sympathetic at the same time as never saying anything about yourself

Thank you. I was just worried that other people were sharing stories about their parents being self absorbed and supporting each other it would like a bit like I was interrupting that just to say that I don’t have that problem when it clearly is a problem for so many.

I was just thinking that whenever you get a thread asking if other people have the same experience as you, pretty much all of the replies will be from people who do share that experience so it can start looking like everyone shares it when the reality is that people who don’t just aren’t posting.

I don’t think that makes it easier to see at all.

I would think the opposite to be true. They’ve lived many years and had many experiences and should be able to use that experience to show mutual interest in their family and friends.

It really does seem like older people can do no wrong in some MNers’ eyes.

But they chose to have children! My DM has had her life and freedom.dor 20 years.

“Not meaning to brag”

I truly don’t think anyone would ever accuse a poster of “bragging” for saying that aged parents aren’t self absorbed twats!

No. Stages occur throughout life: baby stages, toddler stages, pre-teen and adolescent stages. Mid-life and old age also had stages. People whingeing about ageism, need to - ironically - grow up.

I wonder if some of it is not listening/remembering. Especially after years of teenagers refusing to 'chat' or answer questions maybe some parents lose the will to ask personal questions or remember the answer?
Most of my older relatives were not like this, though.

LeavesTrees · Yesterday 12:40
I think also a lot of people have given so much of themselves to other people by that age that they probably do think it’s about time things were about them instead! If you think they’ve brought up children, probably had to help out with their own parents/in-laws and work and other commitments in the community, it’s no wonder some of them spend their later years being more focused on themselves.

I was just going to write the same thing. Even now in my sixties I find I don’t have as much bandwidth for the ins and outs of other people’s lives, even sometimes close family members.

It’s not that I don’t love them or that I’m not interested, and I hope I am not as self-centred and insensitive as some of the examples cited on this thread, it’s just that having worked and parented for thirty years, I am tired and have less energy to engage.

And as this will probably be my last decade of really active life, and the first time in over 25 years when I won’t be facilitating everyone else’s activities, I’m more focused on myself for now. I know that will sound selfish to some but honestly when you reach this point, you are desperate for some inner peace and freedom to focus on your own stuff finally.

Btw, I don’t think self-centredness can be related specifically to one age group. I mix with quite a few adults in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties who are friends of my children and I have yet to experience one of them asking me a question about my life, despite me hosting them and providing lots of free meals and accommodation.

Actually I think this is probably it.

I’m approaching 57 and, having lost both parents recently, am strangely disconnected but also contented too, whilst obviously grieving.

The loss of my parents was absolutely seismic, but the only positive from that experience was that it almost immediately gave me an absolute razor sharp focus on what was important to me - so much literally effervesced in the days after my second parent passed away.

Having said that, I adore my two almost adult children, and couldn’t imagine not being interested in their lives.

To mix things up a bit, I can say that my parents and MIL are all nearing 80 and are not remotely like this. They are all still doing interesting things with their lives, though my dad’s health is forcing him to slow down a bit. They will all happily tell you what they’re up to, but are keen to hear what everyone else is up to. They’re mainly keen to celebrate exciting achievements of the grandkids, from passing an exam to baking some biscuits, they’re completely here for it. I remember my grandmas being the same about me and my sister growing up.

Not meaning to brag, just thought it was worth sharing a counter example. It’s not all old people. I’m sad so many people are finding this sort of thing is affecting their relationship with their parents.