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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

581 replies

Shardlake63 · 03/07/2025 09:10

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

OP posts:
annzen · 03/07/2025 10:31

dietmonkey · 03/07/2025 10:22

99% of weddings do exactly this. Have you not been to many weddings? That said, wedding invites always specifically ask you to mention dietary requirements on the RSVP!

Show quote history

Any wedding I've been a full guest at either have a table menu on the day, a mixed buffet, or a menu emailed to me where I make my choice. It's usually either fish, veggie, or meat.

I haven't been to any wedding (or other celebration with a meal included) where there was no choice, it was either menu or buffet.

gsiftpoffu · 03/07/2025 10:31

I think they were rude not to pass on the information about your salmon allergy and dislike of lamb to the restaurant so you could have been offered something else. I'd wonder if they'd done it deliberately.

I would have gone downstairs to get a meal there instead. So what if your DH thinks it's rude. You're supposed to travel 200 miles and then have nothing substantial to eat?

However, I do find it very odd that the restaurant weren't able to make some kind of compromise and provide you with something you could eat and also find it odd that you just sat there starving.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 03/07/2025 10:30

Shardlake63 · 03/07/2025 10:03

Just to clarify on a couple of points:-
The restaurant did ask my in-laws about allergies/vegetarians at the time of booking. They mentioned another relatives peanut allergy, but forgot to tell them about my salmon allergy. My husband's relatives are mainly from farming stock, all confirmed meat eaters and not a single vegetarian amongst them!
The private room had a separate kitchen to the restaurant downstairs. The food was pre-ordered and any alternatives had to be ordered at the time of booking. Yes, I could have ordered a separate meal from the restaurant downstairs, but I would have had to eat it down there and leave the party, which my husband felt would be rude and not well received by the other family members.
We were not told that it was a set meal until after we arrived, we assumed - wrongly as it turned out - that there would be choices.

I would have let family members feel however they wished and I would have told DH to pound salt if he didn't like me going and getting food I could eat.

Of course, in my case, my DH would have gone with me since he and I back each other up when necessary.

I don't understand why you could not have brought your plate back to the private dining room though. It just doesn't make sense and again, if that is the restaurant's "rule", they are a crap restaurant.

hellywelly3 · 03/07/2025 10:30

I would have spoken up. I’m sure restaurant would have had an alternative. No way would I sit there with no food

Biginnin · 03/07/2025 10:30

Sorry I do think you are fussy if you don't eat two really common foods. Maybe if you owned the fact you are fussy rather than pretending you aren't then your requirements may have been more front of mind.

But with the amount of allergies, intolerances and dietary preferences nowadays picking a set menu for 20 people must be a bit of a nightmare. Unless you are making your owns needs known rather than saying you aren't fussy, when you actually are then this is your fault

thepariscrimefiles · 03/07/2025 10:30

harriethoyle · 03/07/2025 10:16

If you have meal requirements or allergies, the onus is on you to raise them in advance and not assume other people will remember or cater for them. You should have checked arrangements with PIL and then asked for veggie alternative.

As it was in a restaurant, they assumed that there would be a choice of starters and main courses. They weren't informed in advance of arriving at the restaurant that there was one meal option, like it or leave it.

crumblingschools · 03/07/2025 10:29

I can’t believe the restaurant wouldn’t have served you something different in the same room (even if you had to pay extra for it)

gannett · 03/07/2025 10:29

I don't blame the ILs for forgetting what the OP can and can't eat - I don't know people's preferences offhand, I can never remember who's vegan and who's just vegetarian and I know one of my friends intensely dislikes one thing but I have to check with her every time whether it's cauliflower or mushroom.

But that's the thing, if I'm hosting then I check. I will always ask people to remind me of their preferences and allergies. And that should be even easier if you're hosting at a restaurant and they've asked you - that's your cue to check with your guests.

ILs should have sent an email to all their guests asking about preferences and allergies so they could get back to the restaurant. That's incumbent of them as decent hosts and there's no excuse for failing to do it.

I'm quite shocked that the restaurant was so rigid but this is ultimately the ILs' fault. I don't necessarily think they did out of malice - some people really just don't think - but it makes them terrible hosts.

Terrible hosts don't get to be guests at anything I'm hosting.

OliviaVine · 03/07/2025 10:27

I imagine it wasn't them thinking you should just deal with what was being served, rather there were many people involved in this meal and they just forgot about your dietary requirements. I do find it odd through that a vegetarian option wasn't on offer.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/07/2025 10:27

I’m sure you weren’t the only one OP - I don’t like lamb either and eat most things - I’m amazed there wasn’t another option though - it was certainly a bit thoughtless

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/07/2025 10:27

dietmonkey · 03/07/2025 10:22

99% of weddings do exactly this. Have you not been to many weddings? That said, wedding invites always specifically ask you to mention dietary requirements on the RSVP!

Show quote history

Wedding meals in a restaurant/ hotel would always accommodate allergies / vegetarians even if not warned in advance.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 03/07/2025 10:26

Eeuch, hate lamb, the smell and taste. Will eat anything else. I also don't think your being "fussy"

thepariscrimefiles · 03/07/2025 10:26

NeedyOpalSquid · 03/07/2025 10:09

Just eat the lamb. What's the issue?

Because it makes her feel ill. Why should she force down food that makes her physically sick?

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 03/07/2025 10:25

Weren't there any vegetarians in the group? Seems quite unusual. Do you think your ILs chose salmon and lamb deliberately to piss you off? More likely they just chose their own favourites.
I was once given a pub meal covered in gravy, which I don't like. I sent it back and asked for one without. Wasn't a problem. You could've just asked for a plate of veg and maybe an omelette or something like that.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 03/07/2025 10:25

Xyloplane · 03/07/2025 09:24

Manners really have gone out of the window haven’t they? What happened to being a good host? I would never assume to choose a three course meal for 20 people at a restaurant with no consideration for others’ allergies/food preferences as a host. It’s such bad manners. Even wedding invitations give you options.

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Yes, if they were worried about the price, they could have offered at least a couple of meat choices and one non-meat. Ditto with the starter and sides. If this was the restaurant's decision to only offer one choice, they are a pretty crappy restaurant. I would have only eaten the cheesecake (and eaten DH's too) as I also will not eat salmon or lamb.

I do admit that I am a fussy eater, though.

Mulledjuice · 03/07/2025 10:24

Ecrire · 03/07/2025 09:33

I find it incredible to the point of unbelievable that none of the guests weee asked about dietary restrictions and allergies. That nobody was asked if they weee a vegetarian. Or if they had seafood allergies.

This. Beforehand (ILs' fault if they didn't pass that on) and on the day (restaurant's fault if they didn't ask).

My parents' social group seems to have plenty of people who now can't eat one thing or another that they would have been fine with 30 years ago

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/07/2025 10:23

annzen · 03/07/2025 10:20

Is it only me who would find it a bit odd to go to a Restaurant Celebration where the guests do not see a menu and have some choice? Even a three choice list.

I'd go mad if presented with food that I had no choice in eating at a sit down meal for a special occasion. But look, I wasn't there, it wasn't my gig so horses for courses.

Still find it odd though.

Me too!
Especially the gravy covered veg, what restaurant does that?? Confused
As for saying someone who has an allergy to the menu would have to eat downstairs by themselves... odder than odd!

dietmonkey · 03/07/2025 10:22

annzen · 03/07/2025 10:20

Is it only me who would find it a bit odd to go to a Restaurant Celebration where the guests do not see a menu and have some choice? Even a three choice list.

I'd go mad if presented with food that I had no choice in eating at a sit down meal for a special occasion. But look, I wasn't there, it wasn't my gig so horses for courses.

Still find it odd though.

99% of weddings do exactly this. Have you not been to many weddings? That said, wedding invites always specifically ask you to mention dietary requirements on the RSVP!

Edenmum2 · 03/07/2025 10:21

Wild that there was no veggie option. Did you ask?

WaitedBlankey · 03/07/2025 10:21

They were thoughtless rather than unkind. I understand your frustration, but it’s one of those shrug it off situations.

Turneresque · 03/07/2025 10:21

There’s no way they would have made you eat an alternative meal from the downstairs restaurant alone down there.
I think you’re exaggerating just a little there.

Araminta1003 · 03/07/2025 10:21

I think just learn from this and whenever accepting a meal in the future always indicate that you would like the vegetarian option. In the UK, the vast majority of restaurants offer a vegetarian option. If there is a meat and a fish you cannot eat, that will be the safest going forward. They probably just forgot when arranging for so many people.

dietmonkey · 03/07/2025 10:20

Apologies - Op's is a dietary requirement for the salmon, which makes it even worse!!

Painrelief · 03/07/2025 10:20

Teacaketravesty · 03/07/2025 09:17

I think you are a ‘fussy eater’ but that doesn’t make you a bad person! How awful that you couldn’t even have the side dishes. It does sound thoughtless of your in-laws, especially wrt your allergy. I guess they chose their favourite foods? I think I’d have asked the waiting staff to take your plate away & bring me something else, whatever they could, easily, but I can eat anything, even if I don’t like it, and do understand that when you can’t, it’s a sensitive subject and you don’t want to make a fuss.

What a ridiculous comment! So she doesn’t like lamb and the the side dishes were covered in lamb sauce … obviously you’re not gonna eat them . I’m like the op I can’t even look at lamb . The smell , the texture bleughhh I wouldn’t then eat sides also covered in lamb and I don’t know how that makes you a fussy eater !

If you don’t like onions you wouldn’t eat a meal covered in onion gravy !

The OP is not being unreasonable in the slightest . fish and lamb are very specific meals of choice .

annzen · 03/07/2025 10:20

Is it only me who would find it a bit odd to go to a Restaurant Celebration where the guests do not see a menu and have some choice? Even a three choice list.

I'd go mad if presented with food that I had no choice in eating at a sit down meal for a special occasion. But look, I wasn't there, it wasn't my gig so horses for courses.

Still find it odd though.