To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

The restaurant asked OP's FIL about allergies and he remembered the guest with the peanut allergy but not OP's salmon allergy. FIL didn't bother to check with his guests.

@Gwenhwyfar , you are over-complicating it. You can do all that with paper and pencil.

I agree that people can forget and some are incapable of comprehending and replying to a simple question.

In OP's case, there would have been 20-N salmons and N veggie starters, 20-M lamb and M mains.

If it's too complicated, don't do it.

It's not straight forward, particularly if the people aren't necessarily tech savy enough to create a google form or similar.

First the organiser has to ask people to confirm they're coming and their choice of menu. Half will answer about coming to the dinner, but not give their choice. They will need to be reminded to reply. Some will then reply without reading the question properly e.g. will choose the beef starter and the chicken main when its the opposite that exists. They will have to be asked again. Those who have still not given their choices will need to be chased again, etc.
The on the day, most of the people won't even remember what they ordered so the organiser will have to be going around with the list telling the waiter what everybody is having or even, as requested by some restaurants, making up signs to put before each person noting their menu option. It can be a lot of work.

YANBU. Cantankerous people get away with too much selfishness. It’s a form of bullying. Chalk it up to experience and be prepared for thoughtlessness in the future.

usual thing. If you think the post is a fake then report it.

That’s why if you can’t do one of the most basic rules of hosting/throwing a party, you don’t host even more so if you can’t afford it.

Plus, most would not be happy if the food went to waste considering the money spent.

He picked only what he liked for everyone and chose not to tell them what they were having at a restaurant, leading everyone to believe they could choose what they desired when they arrived.

There was no reason he could have not asked for help with this or his wife could have mentioned it to one of their children. To be fair, I’m wondering if anyone asked if they needed help considering their ages and he said no.

My own grandparents had a large buffet style party at their own 50th wedding anniversary and it was organised by their children at their church, granted there were 10 adult children, most local.

On top of that salmon and lamb are not universally liked. If there were no extra requirements within the group and you weren't being considerate enough to give multiple options something like soup for starters and chicken for main would probably be more to most people's palate.

Agree. The only thing that would have been eaten on my side of the family was the dessert. Most don’t like both and are particular about how their salmon is cooked, and my mother and sister wouldn’t have touched either but all of the family eat chicken, beef, and pork. DH’s side, maybe his dad and DH and I would try every course (be quietly annoyed about the gravy bit) but not his mother, sister and her children, his vegetarian brother and SIL and their kids, my oldest would try both whether he ate it was a different story, middle would eat the lamb, youngest is a tot so would depend on how it was cooked.

You sound like a host who's invitation I'd gladly decline.

Yes, I have, and if it's an option of A or B + any allergies, it's quite straightforward.

@Gwenhwyfar , If the meal was at their house, it wouldn't be a la carte either.
I don't usually eat at other people's houses, but I'd probably be OK with what they offered but I'm wary. I have been fed a meal with something I am allergic to in it by a friend.

That's you. FIL decided to do it differently as was his right.

By the way, have you ever had to compile the menu choices of many people? It's a massive, thankless task.

It’s highly unlikely that anyone paying a four figure bill is congratulating themselves on getting a good deal. Set menus are pretty much standard for private dining wherever it is. I went to a function in a private club in Mayfair with a set menu.

@Gwenhwyfar , I wouldn't want to have a nice meal with my family if my family members wouldn't like the food.

I could book my favourite meal and the same for everyone else. Chances are it would only be me enjoying it.

If I booked a salmon starter and a lamb dinner meal, four people would go hungry because 3 of them won't touch fish because of an allergy and them detesting lamb, and one is a vegetarian.

No I haven't? I've said that their idea of 'private dining' is a function room in a cheap and cheerful place with ready plated food, and other people are reading 'private dining' to mean that it's a five star restaurant.
With regard to the cost, maybe the PILs think that they've spent loads of money and been super-generous but they've really got the most basic meal and they are congratulating themselves on getting such a good deal.

YANBU, OP. You can't help an allergy or a strong aversion. My BIL has a real aversion to some foods, and we always keep that in mind. I can't stomach obvious egg, so things like quiche are out for me.

Just sounds like FIL is overly paternalistic and wants things his way or no way, it's not very pleasant but now you know what to expect from him.

Make up your mind, you’ve just completely contradicted your previously post.

You obviously have family who all live near each other. It’s not at all unusual for families to live hundreds or thousands of miles from each other.

One of our DC lives hundreds of miles away. Our house isn’t spacious enough for 3 or 4 extra people to stay, which means that they book a hotel room when they visit us. We book a hotel room when we visit them, as their home doesn’t have a spare room.

The person who should have had your back in this was your ‘D’H, isn’t it, and he seems to have thought what his parents did to you, their guest was OK indeed that you would be ‘rude’ to avocate for accommodations. He would have known that there was a risk that you would not be accommodated, I say it was his role to check in with this parents in advance and make sure that some arrangements had been made in advance that would suit you.

For me, his not stepping up or even acknowledging that there was a problem is much worse than the hosts who planned a meal that would suit their immediate family

he introduced you to their circle and if he wants you to continue accompanying him to these events he should want to ensure that your comfort is considered.

There is something generational too. When in 2000 we were discussing arrangements for my wedding, for which my parents insisted on paying , as soon as I mentioned how we would ask for any special dietary requirements, my father started to bluster ‘surely no one would insist on ‘being vegetarian’ at a wedding in tones of outrage. It was clear to me that I needed to explain that that, yes, my guests would be accommodated

get your DH to stand up for you, in advance, quietly but while the restaurant can still easily make accommodations.

Don’t expect the restaurant to make changes to a private party menu in the fly, have DH make sure it is included as part of the planning

Or, and I don’t say this lightly, ask ‘D’H why he doesn’t think you are worthy of consideration? Is he like that in other parts of your life together … or is he just in FOG around his parents?

It will likely be one or the other.

But there's 'private dining' and there's private dining, isn't there? My local pub has a room upstairs that you can book, that would count as private dining. It's still just what they serve downstairs, it's just in a function room. And all the set menus I know of have at least one choice for vegetarians - or serve the vegetables separately, just in case. These meals were plated up with the gravy already on - that's not private dining, that's pub grub. I think people may all be having their own definition of 'private dining' which is causing the differences of opinion - it can just mean function room rather than haute cuisine.

Four figures might well have been considered reasonable pricing by the PILs, to feed 20 it's not bad, especially if alcohol is included. But I think they were massively overcharged for plated up food and no choice. Maybe the PILs don't get out much?

It was private dining where it’s almost always a set menu and the bill went into four figures - doesn’t sound like doing it on the cheap to me.

Because you want to have a nice meal with your family? If the meal was at their house, it wouldn't be a la carte either.

Sorry read all OPs posts now.

Sounds like the inlaws are incredibly thoughtless and just wanted to play the 'big hosts' but as cheaply as possible.

It takes some level of arrogance and selfishness to choose everyone's meal and not tell them.

You will know next time, if there is a next time

I just think that the PILs did it all on the cheap. It was a block booking, the restaurant served their set 'Sunday Dinner' (even if it wasn't Sunday, it was a meal that a cheap-n-cheerful place could serve up en masse) and the PILs paid as little as they could get away with. No problem there, obviously, if they wanted a family meal but don't have lots of cash to splash about, but I think it explains why there was no discussion over the menu or separate meals served. It was a block booking.

@Gwenhwyfar If it's too much of a hassle to ask who wants salmon starter or veggie starter, and who wants lamb main or veggie main, why bother arranging a meal for 20?

Sorry i'd notice someone not taking one bite of their main course

I agree, I hate it too, wont touch it but that because I keep sheep (as pets).

Fair enough if he's paying. (Allergies aside). It's a lot of hassle to go collecting menu options between people and coordinating that.