To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

I think salmon and lamb are quite bold choices for a set menu. I loved the duck when I tasted for our wedding but I knew that realistically there would be people who didn't enjoy it so went for chicken instead. However you should have opened your mouth and asked for an alternative OP. It's pretty poor planning of the host not to let you all know what the set menu was or check any allergies/preferences but I'm not getting the feeling that there was any malice involved.

I know the type of set up you mean, there isn't any wiggle room, unless you can get a staff member in the kitchen quickly to not put gravy on a portion of veg. But usually the meals will be plated on the hot plate and gravy on all, before the wait staff are bringing them out.
Any family meal like this has had a WA/menu/email put round, for people to choose from the set menu. They need the order in about a week in advance. That's how smaller, independent, places work. Your DH needs to pull his parents over this. They either cater for you, or you all don't go.

have you not RTFT? She did enquire and was told she would have to leave the table and order and eat downstairs because the function romm is catered from a separate smaller kitchen.

It was poor of them not to remember your salmon allergy. That’s more important than remembering that you don’t like lamb.

I’m vegetarian but cook meat for DH and we both feel the same about lamb, the smell of the fat released from cooking is pervasive and sickening.

I think the restaurant was most at fault.
How hard would it have been for them to bring a single plate up for you that was off menu? Especially as I bet your ILs paid through the nose for a private party set up.

I would have gone downstairs to eat and if questioned why you were going downstairs said "because some thoughtless person specified two menu options that I cannot eat". And got either your in laws or "D"H to pay for the additional meal (if it cost extra).

Far ruder of them to choose a shit, inflexible restaurant without a choice of food and to expect people to travel long distance to it.

Not wanting to "make a fuss" to the point that you allowed yourself to go hungry? You need to work on boundaries and assertiveness.

Also you could have ordered downstairs and carried the plate back upstairs to eat when it arrived. I mean obviously you shouldn't have to - and I'd certainly leave a critical review of the restaurant - it's literally their job to carry food to a table. But it would have got you some food you wanted to eat.

This is partly on you for not checking (esp. after the starter - couldn't you smell lamb cooking? And how did NO ONE mention that lamb was the main?) and partly on the restaurant for being difficult - I'd perhaps raise a complaint with them, rather than your relatives.

YABU for not enquiring yourself what the set menu actually was.

If I was invited to a meal and was told it was a set menu I would be asking to see it so I could check for myself it contained anything unsuitable.

If like you I was A) allergic and B) had a huge dislike of something I would simply ask for the vegetarian/vegan option.

It is not other people’s responsibility to check everything for you.

i don’t and can’t eat. If I don’t go to restaurants etc with my family. I wouldn’t see them. Just have to suck it up.

I don’t eat meat on moral/ethical grounds so I’d have been fuming

Really?

Yes they were BU. But equally, why did you not say anything / ask the restaurant and explain the situation and see if there was anything they could do? Presumably you are a grown adult with the capacity to, don’t just sit there like a martyr at least have a conversation with a member of staff to try to address it at the time.

This!

I hope your DH does all the organising of phone calls, visits, cards and gifts for birthdays & Christmas for his parents - if not, tell him to start now.

They sound really rude and very poor hosts - how arrogant to assume thry know all their invitees' dining preferences and allegies without asking! Sounds like it wouldn't have cost them a penny more to have just given the 2 options of vegetarian or meat/fish. Lots of meat eaters might dislike salmon or lamb.

as pp said at that point I wouldn't have cared about looking rude to them -I would have gone downstairs for a meal and tbh think dh and dd should have joined you as soon as they'd finished theirs (as yours probably wouldn't have come out the exact same time).

Dh really should have stood up for you and said something to his parents.

The restaurant sounds a bit crap as well though - really how hard would it have been to bring one extra plate up from the main restaurant when it was ready? Although I appreciate from their POV they had given everyone the opportunity to choose an alternative, its not their fault your in laws didn't pass the message on!

Did you not advise them or your allergies when you accepted the invite? They did offer a choice-eat it of don't!
They were paying I presume in which case they can choose what they want and I think it's on you if you don't like it, they cant be catering to 20 people's preferences. Allergies are different but I am sure that smoked salmon is very clearly salmon and you would be smart enough not to eat it.

When ever I find out about a meal (coeliac and a religious restriction) I phone up host and remind them, then I phone up venue. Did you do that? If you have a food allergy you 100% cannot assume that people have your restrictions in mind.

I would have tried to at least order something else rather than being sat there. I’m sure they would have presented you with a menu. Time to be proactive.

Rude and thoughtless of them to not take you into consideration and to not offer an alternative in advance for anyone who was veggie/allergic or whatever. In my experience smoked salmon and lamb are two of the most commonly disliked foods. I love both but I know loads of people who would struggle with one or both of those.

I'd have quietly asked the staff to bring you a separate plate of the potatoes and veg with no gravy and as it was a restaurant, any other meat like chicken if they could do that at such short notice. The same with the starter. 'So sorry but my PILs must have forgotten I am allergic to salmon. Do you have anything from your main menu you could chuck my way?'

Really no need to have starved in silence. Do your PILs hate you? Do you hate them? Is there a reason they might have served the only two foods on the planet you don't eat?

Who organises a meal for a group and doesn’t check allergies etc? And loads of people don’t like lamb either - surely if having a set menu you check first?! Just bloody rude not to - and a waste of money paying for people who don’t eat things and aren’t enjoying it. I’d probably have asked for more veg if they had it, and maybe some bread to fill up on. I would defo be getting my DH to say something to them too - unless they don’t like you, in which case don’t go for a meal with them again!

Are they often thoughtless towards you?

They were able to remember a relative’s allergy but not yours. Seafood allergies are a well known allergy.

@NeedyOpalSquid

She doesn’t like lamb that’s the issue!

Would you say the same to a vegetarian ?

Yes, I could have ordered a separate meal from the restaurant downstairs, but I would have had to eat it down there and leave the party, which my husband felt would be rude and not well received by the other family members.

But your DH didn't think it was rude of them to have ordered a set menu with the only two things they know you can't eat? And he was happy to let you sit there not eating anything? They were all happy to let you sit there not eating anything after you'd travelled 200 miles to attend? What a bunch of arseholes.

Yeah I would have been annoyed at their thoughtlessness but I would have been a bit more. Proactive and assertive at sorting myself out with an alternative and told the staff of my allergies and asked for a veggie option. I can’t imagine any restaurant not trying to sort you out. You just needed to be more assertive

It is such an odd combination, salmon and lamb.

I’d have sent it back and asked for no gravy on my vegetables or on the side. If it would have been considered rude, I don’t care.

Everything smothered in gravy?
What a mess.

She’s not picky though.
She’s only mentioned 2 things she can’t eat, and one of those is because it brings her out in a rash.
We’re all allowed a few things we don’t like to eat.
Picky/fussy is where there are loads of food you won’t eat and it becomes a bit of a problem.