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AIBU?

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Original poster

about sending this message to my friend?

105 replies

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/07/2025 07:34

As briefly as I can put it: friend and I both come from the same small town, met at uni. Got on well, loads in common, but post-uni she was really only interested in meeting up once a year or so. I had attributed it to how far we lived from each other but actually at times when we lived nearer she was still reluctant to meet more, and it was often me coming to her when we did (but then I had slightly more money to travel etc). I always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated - feeling like we'd both really had a good connection, finished up with lots more to say - but that through her actions she was telling me that actually she wasn't that interested. We now live really near, a few miles apart.

A few years ago I pulled back, stopped suggesting meetups after our Whatsapp exchanges. Our relationship became exchanging photos of the kids when she messaged me. I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

She's now gotten in touch to ask about meeting up, she can come round my way etc. I don't want to be hurtful but can I politely say that I'm sorry but don't want to meet up? Catching up at such long intervals just doesn't feel like a friendship to me - I just feel sad and a bit confused. I feel like I'm breaking up with her, except I haven't seen her in - checks calendar - over two years!

Is it a hurtful message to send? Can I word it better?

OP posts:
Sunnyxo · 03/07/2025 08:22

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it doesn’t sound like the op at all in my opinion. Coincidentally some similarities on theme etc but you’re reaching and even if it was the same op it could be a different friendship being referred to…

isitmeamithedrama · 03/07/2025 08:21

If you like her and there’s been no fall out you could try meeting again and then suggest more regular meet up explaining that leaving a year inbetween is too long for you. If she’s a good friend maybe she’d like that too but doesn’t know how to bring it up.
if you’re really done just be polite saying it’s been too long and you think the friendship has run its course

that other post doesn’t sound remotely like yours. Completely different style of writing. Just ignore.

Spanador · 03/07/2025 08:19

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What a weird thing for you to say. Why are you trying to catch OP out? The stories/timelines and details aren't even the same at all

AgentJohnson · 03/07/2025 08:16

Tell her the truth. You wanted more contact in the past and when it was clear that she didn’t, you accepted it and you are hurt and confused as to why she suddenly wants more.

ConnieHeart · 03/07/2025 08:16

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Why would you accused op of writing that just because the stories are a bit similar? She's already said it's not her

DappledThings · 03/07/2025 08:13

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Doesn't sound like the OP at all. Quite a different tone.

Original poster
JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/07/2025 08:12

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It just isn’t. I didn’t write it. If you want to pursue this line perhaps ask MN to check and clarify my posting history.

I am posting because I’d like perspective on something I am finding difficult. Sending “posters” off to read a thread I didn’t start and attributing it to me is the opposite of helpful.

OP posts:
Itchytoe · 03/07/2025 08:09

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Goingncforthisone · 03/07/2025 08:08

You're over thinking this. If you enjoy their company on your meet ups just go?

You have a higher expectation of this kind of friendship than most of us I think. I have very close friends I only see once every year or so.

Original poster
JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/07/2025 08:06

@Itchytoe thank you, it’s useful and I will have a read but I’m not the person who wrote that post.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 03/07/2025 08:05

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch This is someone who made no effort at the friendship
previously. Made no plans , you did . Spent no money , you did. .
I think true friends are people who make effort when you aren’t on their doorstep and an easy “friend”

Itchytoe · 03/07/2025 08:03

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Itchytoe · 03/07/2025 08:02

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DappledThings · 03/07/2025 08:01

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/07/2025 07:56

Have you fell out? Do you dislike her? Why wouldn’t you want to meet up for a bit of a reunion/catch up?

No, none of these @whynotmereally . It’s just not my model of friendship. I understand that it’s unusual to see friends very regularly as an adult, but I foster those friendships because that is what I like. The model of meet up - discuss everything that’s happened over the past year - couple of WhatsApps - year passes, meet up again… I just don’t enjoy it.

I think if that's how you feel you have to be honest and say that. That you only have time for friends who live nearby and you see really often.

She will be hurt and not understand because it's a pretty unusual attitude to have but if you're going to drop eventually then sooner and most honestly is the better.

SALaw · 03/07/2025 07:58

Why does it have to be all or nothing? I have uni friends who were intense pals at that stage and now we’re pretty much just facebook friends but if we meet every few years it’s lovely. Zero expectations of re-establishing the very close friendship but we like each other, are interested in each other and our families and enjoy a lunch and chat.

Whyherewego · 03/07/2025 07:58

I'd just echo a PP and say that you're kind of busy and you will let her know when you have more time. And leave at that. Seems the kindest way

HollyhockDays · 03/07/2025 07:56

So you want to be her friend but only if you can see each other more?

Original poster
JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 03/07/2025 07:56

Have you fell out? Do you dislike her? Why wouldn’t you want to meet up for a bit of a reunion/catch up?

No, none of these @whynotmereally . It’s just not my model of friendship. I understand that it’s unusual to see friends very regularly as an adult, but I foster those friendships because that is what I like. The model of meet up - discuss everything that’s happened over the past year - couple of WhatsApps - year passes, meet up again… I just don’t enjoy it.

OP posts:
Attictroll · 03/07/2025 07:54

I like having a few friends who I just see once in a while…. It adds some variety to life and I enjoy catching up when we can esp when busy with kids and work etc

Gonk123 · 03/07/2025 07:53

Why do you feel that friendships have to be all or nothing. I don’t see my best friend of 35 years from one minute to the next, we phone regularly. I wouldn’t drop him just because things weren’t going my way. You had a clear friendship. I think it’s odd you can’t cope with her offering to visit…

whynotmereally · 03/07/2025 07:50

Have you fell out? Do you dislike her? Why wouldn’t you want to meet up for a bit of a reunion/catch up?

it sounds like she’s always wanted to be your friend but you had different expectations for meet ups, is that a issue?
if you feel like you have moved on and have no interest in a catch up then you could say you are busy or be honest and say you feel you have grown apart but you wish her all the best.

Ilovelurchers · 03/07/2025 07:49

I think just do a slow fade, that is kindest. Say you are busy but will check your calendar and then never mention it again, if you really aren't keen to see her.

Do you want to keep in touch over message? Or not even that?

YellowGrey · 03/07/2025 07:44

I think it would be worse to reply and say you don't want to meet than to ignore the message!

Emotionalsupporthamster · 03/07/2025 07:44

Old friends are important too, even if you don’t spend regular time together. I wouldn’t end an old friendship like that, I’d just accept it for what it is and be open to catching up every now and then. She obviously does keep making the effort if she’s been the one that’s been messaging first for a few years. If she really didn’t care you would have just drifted into not being in contact.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/07/2025 07:44

Well stick to meeting up every couple of years. I have a group of friends from school and we meet up twice a year at most. We have a WhatsApp group but tend to use it to arrange catch ups. We have known each other for 50+ years but are happy with the loose arrangement. I'm in contact more with one of them, but still only a few times a year. Rethink the friendship to suit both of you.

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