about sending this message to my friend?

Agree - it could be worth meeting up, catching up and ending with a bit of convo on what’s next, when shall we next meet up?

If I'd known somebody for 22 years and yet had not seen them for a couple of years, I'd be delighted to touch base with them again - check out what's been happening in their life and updating on what's been happening in mine. Have a chinwag and move on perhaps for another couple of years.

You don't want to give your former 'friend' any of your time; you don't want them as a friend at all; so either way what you say will sound unfriendly and 'shitty'. You either blank them and don't respond, or tell it like it is for you, but at least give them the knowledge they don't have to bother with you again.

I would meet up with her and see how it goes.

Ok then, so just say that the friendship doesn’t suit you anymore and move on!

I had this exact same situation! Including meeting at uni, living a distance away and now being very nearby. Except there was the addition that she always, always managed to find ways to manipulate situations into me paying for everything and had a selfish streak. But on the other hand she had let me live with her when I moved to this city as a young professional, been my friend through some difficult times and could be extremely caring. It was a real dilemma for me.

The final straw came when she was supposed to finally visit my new house that I was so proud of buying and cancelled last minute (again) for a minor reason so I had to go round to hers (again). Next time she eventually suggested meeting up I agonised over what to say. I had no interest in continuong a one sided friendship however I had known her 20 years and we had so much history. I wanted to reply ending the friendship and explaining why but without being mean or confrontational about it. I'm a matter of fact person and this doesn't always come across well in text so I thought about it a lot. In the end I took so long to decide what to say I realised I had just ghosted her. If i could go back I would probably say something like "nice to hear from you and hope you're all well. I've been reflecting a lot on our friendship and to be honest would rather not meet up knowing it will be another 2 years before I see you again. That type of friendship feels very one sided to me and I leave feeling sad. There are no hard feelings on my part, I love you and wish you well" or something.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Meeting up every couple of years for a catch up isn’t a friendship to me. Having said that, I would meet up on this occasion and be honest with your friend.

Can't you say you're busy and can't make it? There's no need to say you're not interested anymore, it seems unnecessarily hurtful and pointless. She'll get the hint even without you being blunt about it.

I am more straight talking than the usual British person and I would be honest and tell her your thoughts. Ignoring her would be incredibly rude and hurtful. At least she’ll know where she stands.

It's perfectly reasonable to end the friendship now, OP, if it's what you really want. I gather you have children and a busy life. There'll come a time when things aren't so hectic and you look around and find you have no friends, though.

I have friends whom I've known for 35+ years. We fundamentally seem to like or be interested in each other, so although we only speak on the phone three or four times a year and see each other every few years (whenever we're in each others' area) it's always a pleasure to see them. I think we've got very good at spending a lovely three hours together, over coffee and cake or lunch, and laughing a lot and then going on our way.

Only you know what's really going on to make you feel you don't even want her to come over for an afternoon and have a cup of tea and a chat. Personally I think it would be sad not to be able to extend that welcome to her after all this time. Are you playing tit-for-tat with her? She wasn't up for it when you wanted a much more involved friendship, so you're not going to be up for it now she's suggested a meeting? That seems petty.

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch you could test out the water this time and meet up. Maybe she will suggest more regular meetings, or maybe you will decide the friendship has definitely run its course, in which case you could try and explain it doesn’t work for you in person, or after by text. But I understand if you don’t want to at this stage.

This is a bit odd, OP - why are you feeling you have to stop being in touch? Friendships can be very different, especially for adults. I, personally, dont understand people who think friendship means they have message and want to meet up constantly, it tires me out and I dont like sharing my life to this extent. But I know people who like to do everything together, even going on holidays with their friends and their families (shudder). Its just a personal preference.

You will not gain anything by cutting her off, and the amount of effort that you have to put into keeping in touch is minimal - why rock the boat?

I think you sound a little like you haven't moved on from your younger years, and a bit bitter. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but you risk losing friends as life progresses.

I think what you're describing is natural as we get older. You sound quite cross about it. If you work, and/or have children, then catching up every few years is normal.

I recently met someone I hadn't seen for 30 years! It was as though no time had passed. It was glorious.

I think it’s really normal that some adult friendships end up this way. It would be a shame if ALL your friends were like this, but it sounds like you have a good group of close, regular friends who you see often, so it’s not like you’re starved of good relationships/friendships. I think there’s room for both- your day to day group who you meet up with/chat to regularly, and old friends you have a good catch up with every year or so. I would say most adult women I know have a mix of these types of friendships, myself included.
That said, if you really don’t want to see her again, I think you’re best letting her know the reasons why- don’t just ignore her or pretend to be busy.

Well alright then just tell her in Dutch what you've said here. She'd have to be pretty thick-skinned not to get that message.

I know it us very difficult. I would be the same

Would you still want to continue with the friendship if she said that now her kids were older etc she would be able to commit to meeting up more regularly, or do you think it's too late now?

I really don't see why you need to tell her that you want a different standard/level of friendship. That just seems petty/immature. The kindest thing is just to leave it. It only benefits you, really, to air your thoughts, she doesn't need to hear it. Lots of friendships work this way so neither of you are at fault, but you definitely are if you send a message explaining why because it could be very hurtful and have a negative impact when there is really no need, except for you possibly wanting to let her know how the lack of frequency has upset/displeased you. And that's likely to be because you feel hurt/insecure/dissatisfied with the level she has offered you. Understandable, but no-one is in the wrong.

Most of us have friends on different levels , a bestie and others on various levels , that's normal . Your friend seems keen to meet up with you , why not give it a go .

You both may have lots to talk about , you may not , and if it doesn't go too well, then let it go after that .

Agreed. This is what happens often in these longstanding old friendships. Just 'we did this have you done this?' 'we did this and we are going to do this'. It's so easy to fall into this pattern and it becomes a friendship of reporting to each other what has happened! Rather than a friendship where you contact each other to share time / enjoy company etc.

So why not just tell her you're too busy? You don't have to burn bridges.

Nearly all of my good friends I see once a year or sometimes less. We all moved across the world. You can have different types of friends. Theres something good in having friends who you have known for a very long time. Even if you dont see them often.

I was reading that we can find ourselves falling into "catch up friendships" where you just brief each other on what's going on in each other's lives rather than making new experiences/memories together. It can feel like you're not part of each other's lives but just getting updates. I'm finding that with some of my friendships, and sounds a bit like what you're describing with this one.