4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

My daughters hated those nasty summer dresses and wore shorts and t-shirts. totally fine.

that is nonsense. What's wrong with shorts? Compulsory skirts/dresses for girls should have gone extinct with dinosaurs.

I was like this when I was young. I really wanted to be a boy and was always trying to prove I was like boys. It was only after my DH got annoyed after another visit to my parents where they idolised my bother and hero worshiped my dad that I started to see why I didn’t like being a girl when I lived at home. I still didn’t fully realise it until I had my own children and saw how differently they treated my son and daughter. It was completely subconscious as they love them both equally.

Of course I wanted to be a boy. In our family boys were better. They were stronger, thinner, fitter, cleverer and their interests were more valid. When I see how much my DH values his mother and my daughter and has such a tremendous respect for them, I feel a bit sad for my younger self.

I’m not saying your situation is like this as I don’t know anything about your family but that was the situation for me.

I agree with this. Just no name change.

Crikey. You havnt done anyhting wrong. Who wouldnt want to wear comfy shorts and a polo. Women can have shorts hair.
Id fire back at people that they are dictating what a girl or women should be.

Of a grown woman went for a short haircut not one person would start questioning if a lived one was pushing them to be trans.

This is one of the issues with the trans movement. It’s reinforcing the gender stereotypes we seeing years fighting against.

Same as shorts and polo. Perfectly normal for any child to wear in the summer and much more practical for nursery and infant aged children.

She’s the youngest girl of 3 brothers.

My poor brother was the only boy with 2 older sisters and 5 older girl cousins. We have 100’s of childhood photos of him being dressed up by us in our dressing up clothes - mostly princesses and ballerinas 😂.

My nephew had long hair until he was 9 and wanted it cut.

My neighbours DD had always had short hair and never worn a dress and chooses clothes from the “boys” section. None has ever questioned her sex or her choices and she’s never asked to be called anything other than her - clearly - female name.

Your DD is just being herself and as her mum you are helping her be herself. Job well done imo.

I think laughing at the school would have been a perfectly reasonable response - I’m not sure why you stopped yourself!!!

If the dress is compulsory you’ll have to move her schools or campaign for a more gender neutral (by that I mean not gender stereotyped) uniform.

All the girls in my infant class wear shirts and polo in the summer. It’s quite odd I expect the none wear a dress but they can play so freely in what they wear.

At a similar age, maybe a year older, my son came home saying he wasn’t a boy (specifically not a girl or a boy). My husband was livid and thought I had pushed my ‘woke’ agenda on to him 😅

What transpired upon gentle questioning was that he equated ‘boys’ with rough and tumble, football and fighting, which he just wasn’t into at all. The majority of girls loved unicorns and squishmallows, and dressing up in sequinned clothes. In his very black and white world view (which it is for children that age) he didn’t feel like he fit in either. I then explained it was very possible for any gender to be interested in anything, and it wasn’t prescriptive. These were multiple conversations over several weeks and there was no mention of it after that. He also wanted to be a capybara at one point and ate grass and water out of a bowl on the floor. A therapist friend told me that between 4 and 6 is a big leap in brain development and they go from feeling basic emotions to multiple, complex ones (like feelings of not belonging, or wanting to experiment with identity) and they don’t have the language capabilities to express that - so saying she wants to be a boy may just mean she enjoys those things more, which is of course normal and likely given the influence of her brothers on her.

I’m surprised nursery had that reaction and I’m very sorry that’s the way it’s gone - preschoolers are wilful and I’m sure with 4 sometimes path of least resistance saves everyone’s sanity! As per pp, shorts and shirt aren’t gendered.

Hope you manage to find a way through that works for all of you 🙏🏽🫶🏽

One of my daughters also idolised her slightly older brother. She wanted to wear his clothes and tee shirts and I just let her. I didn't make a thing out of it and she ended up wearing girl things and being a normal girl.

I think you should have a good talk to nursery. There's no logical reason that both sexes can't have the option to wear the shorts version of uniform, and it's really sexist and not giving good messages to the girls to say they have to wear the less practical dress. And who knows what other sexist attitudes may be lurking behind her thinking she has to be boy in order to be herself.

So I'd say to nursery that of COURSE she can wear shorts and have short hair if she wants, you don't think that makes her a boy, you are concerned that she seems to think she has to be a boy to express her own personality and would like to know what nursery are doing to counter such sexist attitudes and ensure children of both sexes feel free to play in any way that suits them.

Sounds like me at that age (and most of the rest of my life). I wanted to be a boy like my big cousin. I didn't understand that he could do more fun stuff (like climb to the top of the trees without an adult) because he was older - not because he was a boy. My parents were pretty strict and very traditional, but they agreed to wearing a dress once a week for church until I was in secondary school and could wear what I wanted. Fortunately there were always uniform trousers as an option. I wasn't allowed to cut my hair short, which I think was a shame, so I think tis good your letting her choose that.

My life is certainly better for not thinking of things as 'boy things' - I did well in a STEM degree and tech career and get a huge amount of joy from climbing, Lego and making things. I was never brought up (even in a very old fashioned home) to think I couldn't do those sorts of things. Just keep allowing her to make age appropriate decisions and you won't go far wrong OP

Good on nursery for challenging it, nice to see a bit of common sense for a change.
I'd be reminding her she's not a boy, she's a little girl, and she can't change into a boy. She can do still do everything that her brother does, except standing up to pee of course!
At home she can wear what she likes, at school she wears the uniform.

Even why is there a difference between mens and womens clothes? Why not just skirts and trousers for everyone?
Gender normed clothes is a human construct, not a biological necessity. Wearing skirts or trousers never made anyone male or female or anywhere in between.

The crazy thing is the uniform policy, not the fact she wants to be a boy, which is likely nothing related to being trans at this age.... My son was convinced he was s dinosaur when he was the same age...but obviously wasn't! Why even a uniform at that age and if there is should be unisex with optional add ons.

Have you asked for their uniform policy? Did you sign the policy agreeing to the uniform policy?
If not she can wear what she likes.

She isnt at full time school either so she is in fact allowed to wear whatever. My daughter was born early and at 3 she is still in 12-18months clothes, naturally we cannot buy uniform for her to wear at nursery so we have bought clothes in the nursery colours. Red tshirts and grey or navy leggings/shorts. Generally nursery's like shorts or leggings because its easier for little ones still learning to toilet train.
I think as long as it looks like the clothes she is wearing are somewhat close to the uniform its no big deal.
Maybe start doing some activities together with just her having more female company and away from the boys. It doesn't have to be girly activities but just time together.

My 4yo said he was a tiger a drew stripes all over himself. He couldn't go to school like that.

The haircut is fine. I had very short hair as a 7yo and mostly wore a blue tracksuit outside school (but I never thought I was a boy). I think we've gone backwards on things like that, with girls having to be pretty and sparkly rather than practically dressed, but I do think she and you need to follow the school uniform policy.

I'm another one who was just the same as your daughter when I was that age.

It is extremely common (especially given that she has three brothers! Of course she wants to be like them!). If there weren't parents around who were in thrall to all the trans stuff it just wouldn't be a big deal at all.

Perhaps the staff don't actually think its a big deal either, and they just want to check that you aren't one of those parents who are bolting the idea of transness onto ordinary childhood behaviour.

Could she still wear the 'winter' uniform - which seems to offer a choice between skirt and trousers?

I wouyld probably not use the new name she has chosen (except within the context of joining in with her imaginative play). Not specifically because it is a boy's name, but because in the lovely formative interplay of pretending and reality, children need a few boundaries in place to help them shape their sense of themselves.

I would tell your daughter that she is allowed to be a girl who wears whatever she wants, gets her hair cut however she wants, and plays with whatever she wants. Anyone who tells her that makes her less of a girl is lying.

i would tell the school that if a piece of uniform is allowed for anyone it is allowed for all or they are discriminating based on sex.

She can wear whatever uniform she likes. Uniform should not be split according to biological sex. Eg girls should be allowed to wear shorts or trousers

But I would nip in the bud any idea that she is a boy. Just ‘No you are a girl. Boys and girls have sexual differences. You can however do exactly the same as them eg climb a tree, shoot etc and you can wear whatever clothes you like but you are a girl’

Let her be, OP. School are pretty unreasonable to have separate uniforms anyway (ours switched to everyone having all options 2 years ago). I also used a boy name as a small child and had short hair (requested). Dick King Smith's Sophie books were great for me for the idea that you could be a tomboy. Worth a read. My own 4 and 6 year olds often listen to them 1 chapter at a time.

One of my DDs wears shorts & polo in the summer, one wears a dress. It's nonsense that they expect her to wear a dress.

You sound v sensible about the whole thing.

I was that kid, and I didn't even have brothers to look up to.

I think it's fine, I don't think it's indicative of anything more than the hobbies and activities she's currently into, it sounds like you're handling it fine.

Many kids like to explore at various stages, and enjoy activities and thinking about themselves in different ways - there'll probably be many more stages before adulthood, and you have no idea at this point where that will end up in terms of how she ultimately thinks of herself, her self identity and how she wishes to be in the world.

What it sounds like she will remember is having a loving, supportive parent who encouraged her to be herself, just as she was.

I think school is being slightly ridiculous, and personally would continue to let her wear boys uniform whilst also probably making the point a pp made about physical activity levels being linked to closing, and therefore shorts being a positive choice for a healthy active lifestyle.

YANBU I would have done exactly the same OP. The nursery should update their uniform policy as it sounds outdated. I’m pleased your LO is happy with her new haircut as really, that is all that matters!

Take her to the Women’s Rugby this summer and find lots of females that fly in the face of gender stereotypes for her to engage with or read about.
Also it is probably worth a chat to trll
her she can’t change sex,

But also she shouldn't HAVE to be a boy to wear comfortable clothes.

If anything the nursery uniform policy is upholding the stereotype of what a girl is and what they can and can't do. Nursery age children shouldn't be in uniform based on whether they are a girl or a boy. Fgs.

"...but this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it."

My reply would be "No I haven't been encouraging it, but I do want to know why YOU insist on suggesting to my child that she is a boy everyday?" In reality loads of girls wear trousers, loads of woman wear trousers, through choice. If nursery are telling her she can't wear trousers because she's a girl, and she likes wearing trousers, she may well think that maybe she is a boy, because if she were really a girl she would not like trousers.