4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

Those things are not “boy”things. Many, many girls enjoy the things she likes. What has made her think having specific interests makes her the opposite sex?

4 year olds want to be all sorts of things - I wanted to be a boy, a horse, a dog, a train (not a train drive, no, I wanted to be a train) I wanted to wear my red wellies everywhere (having a bath with them on proved uncomfortable and naturally ended that phase)...

I wanted to be the things I liked and was familiar with - a boy looked good because as an outdoorsy child, being able to do a wee outside without getting your whole bum out and risking nettle stings looked MUCH more convenient - horses, dogs and trains are just cool (and i still think so now)...

Be blunt with nursery - she wants short hair its cooler and her brothers have it. She wants to dress like boys and do boy stuff as she is the youngest sibling and the only girl with multiple older brothers - that really is all there is to it!

Sad to say but she may have already discovered that wearing a dress/skirt in summer means any time you sit down you get grass seeds up yer bum and doing handstands/cartwheels, general active play means someones going to see your knickers and make silly comments. I much preferred shorts at that age too for exactly those reasons!

I really don't think a 4 year old has to wear a dress. That's ridiculous.

It may be helpful to break the issues down:

SHORT HAIR - is an excellent idea for small children (& large children & adults). Cooler in the heat. Easier to deal with class not outbreaks. Minimal brushing. Quicker to wash. Less faff and time wasting all round.

UNIFORM - she needs to wear uniform, but it is legitimate for you to challenge why there are separate uniforms for girls and boys. Shorts and polo shirt sounds eminently more practical than a dress and, as others have said, less likely to impede physical activity. I don’t think it is a good idea to enforce gender stereotypes (which are harmful to all, but especially girls) through dress codes.

NURSERY CONCERNS - there are definitely some parents (not saying you are this OP) who think it gives them special social capital to have a “trans child” and who therefore cultivate such ideas in their children. Ironically, despite notionally bucking the gender stereotype trend, such approaches actually ingrain the stereotypes more rigidly because in order to show that this is a “real trans child” the parents need to apply other-sex stereotypes to their child. The nursery MAY worry that, rather than simply allowing your daughter to have short hair and wear the boy uniform, you are actively cultivating thoughts within her mind that she IS a boy. You may be able to deal with their concerns by reassuring them that you are absolutely clear she is a girl but just want to allow her the freedom to have her hair how she wants it (hair is hair) and wear comfortable clothes. And watch out for others gravitating towards you to celebrate your “special trans child” - sad to say, such people don’t exist.

DAUGHTER’S ATTITUDE - it is worrying if she is picking up that girls can’t do things boys can. It doesn’t sound like she is getting it from home, but these attitudes are still depressingly pervasive in schools (playground rather than classroom). It may be worth doing more to reassure her by explaining that she is and always will be female but she can do everything her brothers can and that only silly people believe in gender stereotypes.

good luck

I'm completely baffled by the posters who say she should wear the dress. If she prefers wearing shorts and a polo shirt, let her and challenge the school strongly about their uniform policy. Clothes and haircut do NOT dictate someone's sex or gender. It is crucial that she is allowed to understand this. She can have cropped hair and wear shorts and be a girl. No discussion, Her sex is 100% never dependent on gendered societal rules that change all the time anyway (Go back a few centuries and pink and high heels were the exclusive domain of successful men!)

Just tell her she is a girl and is lucky enough to have the option to carry a baby, but otherwise, anything available to a boy is also hers for the asking.

I'm not arguing about the wearing of shorts etc. If the nursery have a policy of wearing a dress, then she wears a dress. Op can challenge the policy but her daughter isn't trans. Just a wee girl copying a much loved brother.

Not really the point of the thread but I was saying to DH earlier that the school DS is going to allow girls to wear skirts or trousers but the boys can only wear trousers. If it’s hot like it has been in the summer it doesn’t seem fair. And I think they should let boys wear shorts or both girls and boys wear shorts and skip the dresses so that they have the same options. It feels really old fashioned to have a boy = trousers and girl = skirt rule

My DS loved wearing his sisters clothes and happily wore a dress to nursery. A few parents raised eyebrows but mostly nobody cared. Now neither would consider wearing a dress and both happy well adjusted children. Your DD sounds a perfectly happy 4 year old. Let her stay that way.

She is dressed appropriately for nursery. There’s no reason on earth why trousers and a polo shirt should be fine for girls in winter but shorts and a polo shirt aren’t ok in summer. Especially if the boys can wear shorts in summer.

The only people you should be bringing this up with are the nursery for having a stupid discriminatory policy. Otherwise she’s 4 and adults should stop putting their GC or trans hang ups onto a 4 year old who’s probably going through a fairly typical phase. Just let her be in the same way you would if she decided she was a dog or a cat.

Although i raised my 3 boys "modern" way - that there are no girls/boys toys or activities, at about 4-5 they picked up that they don't want certain things because they are "for girls". So go figure

When I was a child ( I'm now 60) I wanted to be a boy. I had no concept of actually being a boy of course because the trans thing wasn't a thing.I wanted to be called Colin. The thing is I didn't actually want to physically be a boy, I just wanted to be a boy because I had 2 younger brothers and the rules about what was appropriate for me, as a girl, didn't apply to them. They had far greater freedom than I was ever allowed all through our childhood and adolescence .

Reminds me of my own childhood. I didn’t have brothers but noticed early on that boys seemed to have more privileges than girls and could get away with more in school. My dad always said I could do anything I set my mind to, but my mother was the one who said I couldn’t do xyz because I’m a girl or girls don’t do that. We were often at odds.

Trans people had always existed and I was aware of them due to tv, but my parents never talked about such things nor gave context. I grew up at a time where no one batted an eye at men dressing up as women and vice versa for comedic effect so didn’t know the difference between cross dressing, drag, and trans. Tbh, I didn’t care and still don’t.

If she was insisting she was a cat, wearing a cat ear headband, and asking to be called Mittens, nobody would give a fig. Regressive stereotyping and the pretence that gender is anything other than a description of those stereotypes has made a harmless phase into a cause for totally unnecessary drama.

My son was a horse - robot called Inky Pongo for the best part of a year and nobody gave a shit because he was 4!!

He also had long hair and loved pink, so the irony of people asking if he was 'trans' in a way they never asked if was 'equine' or 'cyborg' wasn't lost on me.

I'm so glad your daughter has a mum like you, and not one who thinks it's appropriate to force girls to wear dresses. I bet she looked awesome in her suit!

Where has she got the idea that the activities she likes and being loud and...funny(??)...are things associated with boys and that dolls and sparkly things are for girls? She shouldn't be thinking she has to be the same sex as her brothers to do the things they do. I'd want to address that as my priority.

Surely you can just put her in the dress and take her in kicking and screaming.

But why? Why should a child with two x chromosomes and a uterus be forced into wearing an item of clothing which she doesn't want to wear? Why can't she wear the same clothing as the children with a y chromosome and a penis? Can you actually give one sensible reason?

It’s your child your choice … but you are in denial if you think you are not encouraging it “. “On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him” and then you put her in his clothes. You are literally helping her mimic him.

I don’t feel like letting a 4yo wear shorts instead of a dress and have short hair should be cause for drama.

It really shouldn't. Anyone who feels otherwise is relying on gender stereotypes to dictate how children should behave.

A friend’s DD back in the 1970s declared herself to be a boy/girl, about the same age as OP’s DD. She refused to wear her bikini top, No one made a big deal about it. I’m 76 and as a child wished I could be a boy because I wanted to be a soldier on a horse 😱 but girls weren’t allowed in the army. How times have changed!

I don't understand. Is she bigger than you? Surely you can just put her in the dress and take her in kicking and screaming. Eventually will she not get over it. Otherwise the message is "kick off and I will get whatever I want". It's great to raise free- thinking people who are not afraid to be themselves. But people also have to comply with rules like speed limits and laws etc. You are the parent and she is in charge at the age of 4?

I think I’d just explain to her that there’s no such thing as boys interests and girls interests and being into the same thing as her brothers doesn’t make her a boy. Kids get funny ideas, and stereotypes are forced on them everywhere from the moment they’re born.

The uniform is ridiculous though. I’m not sure schools are allowed to specify different uniforms by sex. If it’s okay for a boy to wear it it’s okay for a girl to wear it and vice versa.

I’m 60 but I would have refused to wear dresses and skirts at that age, and forever, as I just don’t like them. My grandma went loopy because I refused to wear a frilly dress to my cousin’s wedding when I was about 8 and thankfully, my mum supported me. I did have to wear skirts for school at secondary school so mine were all ankle length when everyone else was wearing them above the knee.

Nursery can’t insist that girls wear skirts if boys are allowed to wear shorts or trousers though, so I’d fight that one on the grounds of blatant sex discrimination.

I thought life would be much better if I was a boy for many years, as I was a complete tomboy and the total opposite of a girly girl. Still am really. 😂

My lovely daughter is now 16. She was exactly the same as your little girl when she was that age. Absolute melt downs at being made to wear a dress from 3 onward and wanted to be a boy. I just let her wear shorts and polo as per the boys. It was never an issue. I was always pretty firm on there being lots of ways to be a girl and that she wasn’t an actual boy, But supported her in wearing whatever she felt comfortable in.

She’s now a proud and very confident young gay woman. She went to prom in a suit last night and I was so so proud. I’m so glad we let her be who she is and didn’t force her into wearing a dress to confirm with ridiculous stereotypes.

I believe in uniform too. But why shouldn’t a girl wear the ‘boy’ version when it is comfortable and more conducive to activity and fun?

Not saying she’ll be gay by the way. Just that you are doing the right thing to let her thrive however makes her happy!

This message made me think could the older brothers potentially look to have more fun/privileges? Because they are older not necessarily because they boys though but maybe in your DDS head she may think it's because they are boys.

Also another one here whose daughter refused dressed (though from about age 6) and wore "boys" shorts to school. Even though uniform policy stipulated girls and boys uniform. School or myself never had a conversation about it and a couple of years ago the policy changed to be a list of uniform without specifying if for a boy or girl. I never understood the idea of it being uniform is half the pupils are wearing something else, how does that fit the definition of uniform!

I just remember putting my cute 1 year old in a dress and seeing her struggling to crawl and thought, you're already limited by your gender and you are 1 years old. Really don't think girls should be forced into skirts at all.

When my grandson was three and four he wanted to be a dog. He still dressed appropriately for nursery. You are the adult and it's up to you to ensure your daughter wears uniform. Your daughter can wear what she likes at home. You sound like you are making excuses.