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Original poster

4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

281 replies

whatfreshhell0 · 02/07/2025 16:57

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 02/07/2025 20:54

WallaceinAnderland · 02/07/2025 17:25

You tell your dd she's a girl no matter what she is wearing.

You tell nursery she's a girl no matter what she is wearing.

What's the problem?

The first line absoluetely spot on.

The second line. Why the fuck do we have to tell a nursery the difference between a girl and a boy?! Its insane.

Teaacup · 02/07/2025 20:53

I was a tomboy (also have brothers and no sisters) but grew out of it. Don’t change her name and don’t cut her hair like a boy’s haircut. She needs to learn that she can like similar stuff to what her brothers like, but she’s still a girl and there are big differences between girls and boys. You are encouraging this and this is really harmful.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 02/07/2025 20:48

whatfreshhell0 · 02/07/2025 18:01

To answer a couple of things people asked — no, we don’t talk about gender stuff at home. Not deliberately avoiding it, it just hasn’t come up. I haven’t said anything like “you can be a boy if you want” or even used words like trans, she’s 4, it’s not something we’ve discussed. She doesn’t have access to YouTube, TikTok or anything like that. Screen time is just CBeebies or the odd film, and usually with her brothers. We’re not a particularly ‘woke’ household, just normal really.

Some people asked where she’s “got the idea” that being a boy is better. I honestly don’t know. I don’t think she sees it as better so much as right for her. She’s the youngest, her brothers are loud and funny and she adores them, especially her 6yo brother. They’re like shadows of each other and I think she just sees how he is and wants to be the same. She plays football with them, copies how they dress, same hair now too. She’s probably trying to fit in and make sense of where she belongs, to be honest.

Re the uniform stuff, she’s at the nursery attached to a primary school so it follows the same uniform policy. It’s polo shirt with either trousers or skirt with tights and a jumper or cardi. In summer girls can wear a checked dress and boys can wear shorts. She will not wear the summer dress. I’ve tried, she screamed and sobbed and completely refused to leave the house. So I’ve been sending her in her brother’s old grey shorts and her usual polo. They’ve been fine with that all year until this week, right after the haircut, when they pulled me in saying they were “concerned” and asking questions that honestly made me feel like I was being accused of doing something wrong.

About the haircut, it wasn’t even that long before, just shoulder length, but it was constantly tangled and she wouldn’t let me brush it or tie it up, and she was sweaty and miserable. It was becoming a real battle. So I gave in on Saturday and let her get it done same as her brother. Not to make a point, just because it was practical and she begged. She’s been so much happier since.

As for names, we haven’t been calling her the boy name she’s chosen. We still use her real name at home. That said, we do use a nickname sometimes that’s probably more of a boys’ name anyway (think something like Alex instead of Alexandra). That’s just always been what we’ve called her.

Anyway, thanks again for letting me ramble. I honestly don’t know if this is just a phase or something more, but I don’t feel like letting a 4yo wear shorts instead of a dress and have short hair should be cause for drama.

You're doing just great! Don't doubt yourself.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 02/07/2025 20:45

phoenixrosehere · 02/07/2025 18:01

Agree.

Our prom queen when I was in secondary school wore a cream suit instead of a prom dress. She was on the basketball and track team, tons of friends and had been in school with her for years. No one batted an eye and she looked amazing.

My mother would have had a fit if I asked to wear a suit to prom. She gave me hell for not wanting a ballgown for a prom dress. I still wore a dress, just it was an a-line similar to the blue prom dress Donna wore from that 70’s Show.

Show quote history

My older DD wouldn't go to prom at all, because her school insisted that all girls MUST wear dresses and there was no chance of that happening.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 02/07/2025 20:45

If this was 15 or so years ago, there would be no drama. People would smile and say she's a tomboy as she's got a house full of brothers she adores and wants to be like them. This whole obsession with gender is a bit wild now. So many kids are influenced by their siblings, I ended up loving football and punk rock music because of my older brother. All perfectly normal. I'd just tell everyone to calm down a bit tbh!

TicklishReader · 02/07/2025 20:44

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2025 20:30

I’m really curious why some people think that it is ok for a school to have different uniform rules for different sexes?

Is it that you actually believe that dresses are only for women and girls?

Mumsnet of yore would have been outraged at the suggestion, but a single whiff of gender ideology sends posters back to the 50's.

Thingyfanding · 02/07/2025 20:41

Personally, I believe they should all be in comfy tracksuits and shorts and T-shirts for summer with absolutely no difference between boys and girls. Why shouldn’t she have her hair short either.
I would say ‘oh yes, I’ll get that sorted’ and just keep sending in as they are. Hopefully eventually they will give up asking.

PopeJoan2 · 02/07/2025 20:38

Didn’t it used to be normal for kids to go through phases like this without being labelled? In cases like this it is we adults who are the problem. Kids just copy what they see around them. It makes sense to me that a 4 year old with 3 brothers would identify as a boy. As soon as adolescence starts and she starts to be interested in boys (if that is her natural proclivity) and her in them it could all change. For now what does it matter if she is what used to be called in the old days a Tomboy (language that I assume is now cancelled so please forgive any misuse - I am old).

Fluffyblackcat7 · 02/07/2025 20:33

Sunholidays · 02/07/2025 17:40

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t

She's FOUR. She doesn't know what she likes and what she doesn't.

Op clearly describes her daughter's intetests, clothing and hair styling preferences.

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2025 20:30

I’m really curious why some people think that it is ok for a school to have different uniform rules for different sexes?

Is it that you actually believe that dresses are only for women and girls?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 02/07/2025 20:30

As a nursery worker myself I see the concern. She is incorrectly telling people she is a different sex, possibly upsetting some children and their parents and given the prevalence of gender ideology, they needed to know if you were supporting this. But you've clarified that now. I'll bet her brothers are using gender stereotypes against her making her wish she was a boy because that's the only way to do the fun stuff that she likes. So that's what you need to address.

As for the uniform, it does seem silly to have that rule, but it is a rule. If she is refusing to wear it and becoming distressed you should talk to the staff and see what they say. She will probably need to wear a uniform next year in big school so you need to work on that. I think not adhering to the rules without talking to them has done you no favours.

As for the pretence, this is really common at that age and needs to be shut down. In my nursery we do not ever distinguish between gender, anyone can wear the princess costume or play with cars, but sometimes it's something we say for practical reasons, like 'girls go wash your hands'. When someone says they are not a girl / boy we just say yes you are. Kids do variations of this all the time and you can't indulge it. Example 'Emma, tidy up', could be answered with 'I can't tidy up because I'm a unicorn now' or 'my name is Bluey' and we just say 'you are Emma now who needs to tidy up and you can be a unicorn/ bluey again in a few minutes'. If they are let get away with it they will start insisting on it all the time and it will just get ridiculous. I think its great that you let her be who she wants to be but she needs to be reassured that she is in fact a girl.

gigglygrace · 02/07/2025 20:26

angerelle · 02/07/2025 17:18

My daughter dressed in "boys'" clothes and shoes from as soon as she could express an opinion until Year 5, asking for short haircuts too. She always wore the trousers or shorts uniform options to school, until Y8. She didn't like "girly" toys, but had mix of friends and interests. Towards the last third of junior school, she didn't like people mistaking her for a boy, and she started growing her hair and wearing the odd dress, but she wears a lot of unisex clothes still as a young adult.

I just let her get on with it. I did have some people assuming I made her wear what she did, bizarrely, and one boy at a party cried because he was so upset she was a girl who looked like a boy, but she was just herself and the gender police could bog off!

Just like my DD, she was a boy named Jack, and her brain told her she was a boy. We just let her crack on, she is still very much a 'tomboy' but grew out of it

TaggieO · 02/07/2025 20:25

What the fuck is wrong with all of you saying she has to wear a dress?! Should we bring back corsets as well? How about foot binding? If she’s happier in shorts and a t shirt then let her wear them. She’s FOUR. She may want to a boy for now just because her brothers are people she looks up to and grow out of it. She may feel that she should have been a boy and not grow out of it. But all trying to force her into dresses will do nothing but make her miserable so why do it?

alphabetQ · 02/07/2025 20:22

The nursery staff want to have a word with themselves really—what on earth are they thinking to assume it’s some kind of weird agenda?!

I think you’re handling it well—telling your DD she can’t do this or that (short hair, comfy clothes) because she isn’t a boy wouldn’t help any doubts she might have. This way she knows it’s fine to just be whoever she is with you—she’s more likely to try things out and see if they work for her rather than feeling like she has to “prove” her commitment to something in order to be allowed to try it, which might make it tougher to backtrack later if she wants. If that makes sense…

For what it’s worth one of my DD was the exact same—short hair, “boy” clothes and football at 4. Then she started school and insisted on dresses and frilly socks so people would “know she was a girl”. Now, at the end of Reception, she’s back to shorts and trainers because she’s realised she has nothing to prove to anyone and can do what feels comfortable for her. I’m proud of her for figuring herself out like that.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/07/2025 20:19

AngelinaFibres · 02/07/2025 18:01

When I was a child ( I'm now 60) I wanted to be a boy. I had no concept of actually being a boy of course because the trans thing wasn't a thing.I wanted to be called Colin. The thing is I didn't actually want to physically be a boy, I just wanted to be a boy because I had 2 younger brothers and the rules about what was appropriate for me, as a girl, didn't apply to them. They had far greater freedom than I was ever allowed all through our childhood and adolescence .Your daughter has 3 older brothers and clearly adores them. She should be wearing the uniform for girls . There is nothing she can't do , as a girl, that her brothers can do. Call her by the name you chose for her and don't make a big thing of the rest.I grew out of it, have had 2 husbands, 2 children, and am now a granny of 2. I'm an entirely feminine person and my name is definitely not Colin.

Similar-ish for me. I was more of a tween (8ish to 11ish? Maybe?) where I had intermittent phases of wanting to be a boy.

I didn’t grow up in a sexist household. My parents were typical “progressive parents” for their time (early 90ies). But there was still sooo much cultural messaging about what was cool, fun, strong etc. “Kick like a girl” / “ohhh, you’re such a girl” were definitely things boys said to each other.

and most of the cool, fun characters I liked (be that Asterix in comics or fantasy heroes) were men / boys.

are you sure that this isn’t an attitude your DD has absorbed? Especially if she’s growing up in a somewhat traditional environment/ setting?

I just wanted to feel that being wild, loud, messy and “rude” (<=not actually rude, but boisterous) was considered to be socially admirable (or at least acceptable).

Lilactimes · 02/07/2025 20:13

@whatfreshhell0 your dd sounds fab and you sound like you’re doing great ☺️
Angelina Jolie faced this with her DD - she just let her express herself with both hair cuut and clothing in shot down the media and all criticism.
My DD had a friend all through primary who wore boys clothes and when she hit 10 she suddenly started wanting to wear mini skirts and make up.
I agree with all the posters who just say let her be and keep telling her that girls can do and wear what they want!

WavyRavey · 02/07/2025 20:12

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Katerina085 · 02/07/2025 20:10

Just wanted to comment to say it sounds like you’re handling it perfectly. A good female friend of mine has always said she went through a phase where she wanted to be a boy when she was about this age. In her situation it was stranger, as she is the eldest so no older brothers. She wanted her hair short, asked to be called a boys name, would only play on the boys football team etc. She always said her parents handled it brilliantly - didn’t make a big deal of it, followed her lead, and eventually she grew out of it. She was never a girly girly, but definitely has definitely has no gender issues since. Follow your gut and ignore everyone else.

TheWisePlumDuck · 02/07/2025 20:08

When he was younger ds said he was a girl.

I shut that shit down fast.

It turned out that a knobhead family member had been talking about him liking 'girly' things and laughing at him (I hadn't been present at the time).

After I took ds to said dickheads house and gave him the mother of dressing downs infront of him, I reiterated to ds that no, he was a boy, and would always be a boy. BUT that there are many stupid people in the world, who thought that boys and girls weren't allowed to do what they liked. And we ignore those silly people, because they are wrong.

I started pointing out things like the clothing label on his favourite pink t-shirt (Does this say girls only?) and on his toy pushchairs box (Doesn't say no boys allowed does it? And Daddy pushes dd's pushchair too doesn't he? Does that make him a Mummy, or is it just silly to say only Mummy can do that?)

He toned it down a bit once he started primary school (peer pressure I'm guessing) but he still loves his crochet, pink shirts and looking after the little ones at family parties.

Om83 · 02/07/2025 20:05

I have a brother 2 years older than me - we were v close at that age and I would wear a lot of his hand me downs, wouldn’t wear much girly things, and at exactly the same age I clearly remember asking my mum to have my hair cut short like my brothers, which I got! But these were the days before anyone was worried about gender identity so no one batted an eyelid and neither did I- it wasn’t that I wanted to be a boy it was just my frame of reference at the time, which sounds the same as your daughter. It never stuck or meant anything else and as I settled into school, my hair grew out, I wore the same clothes as my peers and that was that. I still prefer jeans over a skirt but that’s about the extent of it!

Of course your daughter may find she does have some strong opinions on her gender as she grows up, but right now i’d suggest not reading too much into it or making it a thing… I doubt she is even aware of what she is saying makes it a ‘thing’!!

TizerorFizz · 02/07/2025 20:00

@Iamthemoom Not reinforcing it leads to lots of issues too!

Goatinthegarden · 02/07/2025 19:59

PaganOfTheYuleTimes · 02/07/2025 17:15

Oh God, I was like this as a child: i wanted to be called George and stuffed my hairbunder a cap as my mum wouldn't cut it. Check your parenting though - in my case it was partly because my big brother never had to help clean, make beds, lay the table, but instead fucked off out on his bmx to play everyday while I, younger, had to stay home and help with chores by default (not saying this is you!).. if it helps I turned into a real girly girl in my late teens, lots of pink and long hair, and now in my forties i'm (relatively) normal, just a regular woman with kids and a dog, still complaining about the neverending chores though!

I was exactly the same, except I wanted to be called Simon 😂. In my case, my brother got cool clothes and toys and I got handed baby dolls and frilly dresses, which I was not impressed with. I insisted I was a boy because I wanted hi top trainers and a baseball cap. For me, the message I was getting loud and clear was that being a girl was lame and boys got better stuff. Once I realised I could be a girl and have the things I wanted, I gave up on being called Simon.

user2848502016 · 02/07/2025 19:59

Gloriia · 02/07/2025 17:02

She should wear the correct school uniform for her sex whether she melts down or not. I'm not a huge fan of strict policy but they do need to wear the correct uniforms for their sex.

She obviously idolises her brothers which is lovely.

Just keep reminding her she can do all the activities she likes but is a girl and that's fine.

No they don’t this is nonsense!
Are you in the UK OP? In wales anyway schools aren’t allowed to have gendered school uniforms (as in if a skirt is an option they aren’t allowed to say it’s only for girls).
I would carry on as you are OP, keep telling her she can do whatever she wants and that girls can do all the things you mentioned she likes- but she isn’t a boy and will never be one.
I wouldn’t be calling her a different name either - my DD wanted to change her name to Aurora (like sleeping beauty!) when she was 4 but we said no and if she still wanted to when she was 18 she could!

londongirl12 · 02/07/2025 19:59

Mrsttcno1 · 02/07/2025 17:10

I think there’s a line, and I also think at 4 your job as a parent is to be ensuring she understands that she doesn’t have to BE a boy to like the things that boys like- why does she think she needs to have a boys name for example?

Boys are not the only ones who like football or minecraft- so do girls.

It seems she has decided that because she likes the things her brother likes that she must be a boy- it’s your job as a parent to correct that because she is too young to know.

totallu agree with this. She needs to know being a girl and liking all that stuff is ok. Show her the women’s Euros football that’s on now for example. You can like stereotypical “boy” things and still be a girl.

GlitteryRainbow · 02/07/2025 19:58

Gloriia · 02/07/2025 17:02

She should wear the correct school uniform for her sex whether she melts down or not. I'm not a huge fan of strict policy but they do need to wear the correct uniforms for their sex.

She obviously idolises her brothers which is lovely.

Just keep reminding her she can do all the activities she likes but is a girl and that's fine.

Why does she need to wear the correct uniform for her sex? If she is wearing the uniform what does it matter? Why are the nursery forcing girls to wear dresses. My DD hates dresses and will never wear dresses or skirts now.

OP I think you are being perfectly reasonable if she doesn’t want to wear a dress don’t force her. Shorts and a polo are much more practical (of course if a girl wants to wear a dress that’s fine too). Getting a short haircut in this weather seems perfectly reasonable too. I’d be asking nursery why they have a problem with you allowing her to express herself. If she has three older brothers it’s hardly surprising anyway. Just ignore anyone telling you different.