4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

I can remember two girls in my class in the 80s who didn't like wearing the school dress, there was also one girl in my son's class 15 years ago who didn't. No one batted an eyelid back then if a girl cut her hair short and didn't wear dresses, why it everyone so sensitive about it now?

Gullibility?

I'm non-binary (biologically female) and I think it sounds like you're making all the right moves with your DD4!

It's true that I was never a "girly" child. However, neither were a lot of my peers and as far as I know, only one of my tomboy classmates now identifies as transgender. It's far, far more likely that your DD will grow up comfortable in herself and her identity, especially with strong role models and feminist values. I think it's worth talking to nursery about the gendered uniform; there's no reason girls shouldn't be able to wear shorts; and to stand up for yourself when it comes to the haircut. Those things are more about practicality than gender, after all. The name is a stickier subject; I chose a more androgynous nickname during my childhood, but my family still used my birth name and often still do. It's not something that bothers me. Again, I was far from the only one trying out new names amongst my year-group and again, almost all of them grew up comfortable with their birth sex. Some, including myself, developed some more stereotypically "girly" interests with time, others didn't. Some are straight, some lesbian, I imagine some bisexual, but firmly "cisgender."

The nursery are ridiculous for saying you're "pushing" anything. Have they never seen women with short hair, or women who don't wear dresses? Have they never seen women who play sports? If anyone is pushing gender and it's stereotypes, it's them!

Ultimately, "gender identity" wasn't a part of my life until my teens and it isn't really a part of my life now that I'm comfortable in my transition. There's no reason to say that it will ever be a part of your DD's life, either. Keep doing as you're doing and stand up for your DD's right to be whatever kind of girl she wants to be; that makes you a great mother in my book!

So long as you are telling her she’s a girl then there is nothing wrong here. Raise the sexist uniform with nursery as that’s the real problem.

i was a kid before trans became mainstream. I remember standing in the corridor all breaks for a week with a few other girls who had signed a petition for girls to be allowed trousers not compulsory dresses. Someone organised a petition. As an adult looking back I’m impressed and had I been my mother I would have supported my dd. Instead I was punished for wanting to be able to play without my skirt getting in the way and went ott into wanting to be a boy. I never wanted to be a boy I just wanted the same freedoms. Had I been a child now I would have jumped at being trans because of rules like this imposed on girls. You may not be telling your dd she’s a boy but there will be so much influence around her with trans issues being so discussed and in the news- so be clear with her what the root of the problem is so she doesn’t get confused

I have no direct experience of this, but I've thought about what I'd do if my DD expressed similar feelings and this is what I'd try:

Ask her why she wants to be a boy. Does she think that particular toys or activities are only for boys? Might one of her brothers have told her this? If so, you can reassure her, for example, that girls can have short hair and play football. It sounds as though she admires her brothers and perhaps she just wants to emulate them.

If she still says she wants to be a boy, I'd try letting her explore this idea through play, but not "in real life". So at home, you could play the game where you pretend she's a boy called "Thomas", let her wear what she wants and see where that leads. But, when it's time to go to school, she puts on her uniform and goes back to being "Amelia".

I hope this will give you an insight into her feelings without persuading her that it's possible to choose your own sex.

Weird they have gendered uniforms at all, she shouldn’t have to wear a dress.

She’s 4 with three brothers! She wants to fit in and keep up, she’s a classic tomboy and as yet no indication of anything she may or may not be or like as a teenager/adult. Just reassure her she can like all the same things her brothers like and still be a girl, or ask her why she thinks being boy is better than being a girl (she will think that, she’s 4, that’s why she wants to be one) and fight the gender stereotypes she’s already feeling.

I’m torn on the nursery aspect between ‘it’s the uniform’ and ‘why is the only uniform option a skirt/dress’? I thought we’d moved past that, I always hated that from as small as I can remember. I don’t want my knickers flashing everywhere when I’m trying to play! Or frills catching on obstacles, I mean, really!

I would have much rather worn the boys uniform as a kid
why are they even making girls where skirts/dresses?
The school sounds weird. Sounds like you’re doing a great job with your daughter,

Why do they need to wear the ‘correct uniforms for their sex’? I’m honestly interested - I can’t see any reason

I agree. There’s a lovely song by Nick Cope called something like “living under a rainbow” with the line “Rosie likes trucks, Rosie likes trains”, “Peter likes princesses and ponies”, you get the idea. We listened to it a lot with my little tomboy who at ten still only wears polos and shirts to school (which school sensibly are fine with) but happily knows she’s a girl and that that doesn’t mean she has to climb down from the trees and start taking an interest in clothes!

My DD at four told us to call her Thomas (after the train), and we went along with it for what it was....a tiny child having fun and exploring the world.
She's now the girliest girl you could meet.

We need to lose the "gender" serotypes.

Why? Just why?
Let kids be kids

Uniform at nursery 🤔
She's only four
Relax and ignore other than to tell her she can do what she likes re hair activities and she's a girl.
My DD cut her own hair off at 4 🙄😬it grew back. This too shall pass.

This was me as a kid. I’m now a “normal” 30 something woman, who has kids & still rarely wears dresses.

My advice is to keep backing her. Send the dress in with her and nursery can get her in it if it is so important.

Watch films/shows where women/girls are the powerful leads. Watch the Euros. Show her the cool female role models.

Why can’t a 4 year old know what they want? Perhaps it is the fault of the nursery in the choice of uniform. Dresses can be restrictive if girls want to run and play. Why can’t girls have shorts and t-shirts like the boys?

I think children should be encouraged to make decisions and if they are making them that’s great. My DD is off to secondary school and point blank refuses to make decisions most of the time but will get very unhappy if you make the wrong one.

This is what many girls have done-George from the Famous Five is just one example. At 4, a girl might have started reading, or more likely at 4 being read to/seen films like that. Lots of girls at primary school Class 1 I knew did, and that's only one year older. That's been going on for generations, and the central message of girls being able to do everything boys can, and Georgina not cleaning up after the boys like the stereotypical Anne is a positive one.

In that case I am not sure what the problem is?

I REALLY wanted to be my brother when I was that age - he’s 3 years older. He was able to do things I was not able to and I totally admired him and thought he was the bees knees (at this point it’s an age issue, not a gender/sex one). I spent most of my childhood till I was about 10/11 imagining myself as either him or the male protagonist in many books, films etc. Back then you were just known as a ‘Tom boy’ and for the vast majority it was just a normal part of childhood.

Exactly 100 this!!
You are doing the right thing op.
Keep reminding her that girls can do everything boys do.

Why?!

No nursery in the uk mandates dresses for girls. None. It’s not true.

Shoot?!

my nieces were like this and are now happily feminine in their own unique ways, there are infinite ways to be a girl, if anything the nursery and your family are being silly pushing her into a narrow perception of femininity. In my opinion that encourages the trans agenda. It’s like saying ‘if you don’t fit the stereotypical version of female, you must be trans’. No. She can be a girl with a short haircut and shorts who likes Minecraft perfectly well. Tell them to loosen up or Sid off. She should he allowed to wear shorts to nursery if she wants FFS, 🤦🏻‍♀️

Exactly. DS1 spent a couple of months in a fairy dress with wings that belonged to the daughter of a friend of mine (who was a tomboy, luckily so she didn't care) It couldn't be prised off his back. He wanted fairy princess comics every week. I got told by women at church to stop this nonsense or I'd turn him gay. A while later he became a soldier and dressed in fatigues for the next 12 years, and joined cadets as soon as possible. As it turned out, he is gay but I don't think either two months of fairy net wings and a year's worth of princess comics or twelve years of army manoeuvres made him that way. He just always was.