Page 2 | Adult children still at home

Butterfly1728 · 2025-07-02T14:54:45+00:00

Is it unreasonable to expect adult stepchildren to be “standing on their own 2 feet” when they earn good money and are almost 30? Living at home, no sign of wanting to move, don’t do any chores, etc. Feel resentful at times.

Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 12/07/2025 07:38

DragonTrainor · 11/07/2025 21:26

Are they respectful?

People have different views on adult children living at home. In my family it's fairly normal for children to stay at home until adults whereas in DH family it's less the done thing. It's definitely harder when they're step children

They are very respectful as I am to them

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Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 12/07/2025 07:37

BruFord · 11/07/2025 21:32

You certainly shouldn’t be doing chores for a nearly 30 year old-how dare they expect someone older ( I’m guessing that you’re in your 50’s or 60’s?) to do chores for them!

What’s the plan when your DP sells the house in two years? I hope that you’re buying a smaller place together.

Edited

I’m 42. We will be downsizing

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Rainbowqueeen · 11/07/2025 21:40

How would DH react if you said you were concerned about how the DC will go with running their own homes given they have no experience at cooking and doing chores? Maybe if you approach it from the angle he will realise that he has 2 years to teach them to be fully functioning adults and he should be using that time so that they can be successful home owners.

BruFord · 11/07/2025 21:32

You certainly shouldn’t be doing chores for a nearly 30 year old-how dare they expect someone older ( I’m guessing that you’re in your 50’s or 60’s?) to do chores for them!

What’s the plan when your DP sells the house in two years? I hope that you’re buying a smaller place together.

DragonTrainor · 11/07/2025 21:26

Are they respectful?

People have different views on adult children living at home. In my family it's fairly normal for children to stay at home until adults whereas in DH family it's less the done thing. It's definitely harder when they're step children

Wadadli · 11/07/2025 21:22

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 16:59

I kinda get the feeling it’s not my place as stepmum, more to do with the dad. He can be funny if I so as have a tiny moan about anything negative to him about the behaviours.

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When I moved in with my husband to be I told his children that they would be responsible for their own laundry as soon as we moved into our new home. They were 12 and 12

Both got on with it without complaint, and I have never washed a sock for either of them in 8 years. I explained that doing one’s own laundry was a life skill and they didn’t want to be that person at university

LlynTegid · 11/07/2025 21:20

You should have put your foot down and insisted on helping in the house years ago.

As for not moving out, if you voted Tory or did not vote in the general elections of recent years, you have contributed to the housing crisis we have in the UK.

ilovesooty · 11/07/2025 21:18

Butterfly1728 · 03/07/2025 09:49

His

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I think I'd move out. How do you benefit from being there? It's his house and they're parasites enabled by him.

Zanatdy · 11/07/2025 21:16

Very difficult when you’ve come in when they are adults and already in bad habits. Guess not a lot you can do to change that situation, but is a lot you can do change your life.

FastForward2 · 11/07/2025 21:14

If you're charging rent and expecting them to save for a deposit you're delaying them moving out! However as the DH is going to pay for their house in 2 years it is immaterial.

Just ask them politely to help you make dinner/empty dishwasher/vacuum the stairs/get some more milk or whatever from the shop. Don't make a big deal out of it. If appropriate ask them to help you first time then to do it themselves next time, they will learn from you.

I have descovered if you wait for them to do the jobs you get resentful, they never will, so just ask them politely. Its annoying.

Most adults living with parents are doing so for financial reasons, housing costs are ridiculous.

TarquinsTurnips · 11/07/2025 21:06

It sounds like you just don't need the money from them and are comfortable enough financially. Or do you both work full time?

If you don't like the setup of them not doing chores then change it.

jannier · 11/07/2025 20:58

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 16:59

I kinda get the feeling it’s not my place as stepmum, more to do with the dad. He can be funny if I so as have a tiny moan about anything negative to him about the behaviours.

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So theyh wear dirty clothes and don't eat. If dad disagrees he does it....but I bet your maid to all with no say in anything

Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 16:59

caringcarer · 11/07/2025 16:58

Adults are perfectly capable of learning. I look after adults with learning disabilities and they can learn.

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I kinda get the feeling it’s not my place as stepmum, more to do with the dad. He can be funny if I so as have a tiny moan about anything negative to him about the behaviours.

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caringcarer · 11/07/2025 16:58

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 15:51

I met them when they were adults, so couldn’t teach them anything by then

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Adults are perfectly capable of learning. I look after adults with learning disabilities and they can learn.

Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 15:51

caringcarer · 11/07/2025 15:27

OP is struggling because she never taught her DC to do chores when they were young. My DC had to pick up their toys before bed from 3 years old. As they grew older I found them age appropriate jobs and showed them how to do them. They both keep their homes lovely now working full time and setting aside 30 minutes a day for cleaning and tidying during the week and a couple of hours at weekends.

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I met them when they were adults, so couldn’t teach them anything by then

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caringcarer · 11/07/2025 15:27

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 12:37

Sounds ideallic

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OP is struggling because she never taught her DC to do chores when they were young. My DC had to pick up their toys before bed from 3 years old. As they grew older I found them age appropriate jobs and showed them how to do them. They both keep their homes lovely now working full time and setting aside 30 minutes a day for cleaning and tidying during the week and a couple of hours at weekends.

Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 14:39

Skybluepinky · 11/07/2025 14:38

That’s for them and their parent to decide not you, and they make still live with you when they are 50.

Wonderful

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 11/07/2025 14:38

That’s for them and their parent to decide not you, and they make still live with you when they are 50.

Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 14:37

BCSurvivor · 11/07/2025 14:37

Do you work , OP?

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Yes

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BCSurvivor · 11/07/2025 14:37

JillMW · 03/07/2025 11:19

I wondered if the op move in with them and is also free loading? She does not say she does chores or pays her way just that they don’t.

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Do you work , OP?

Mumptynumpty · 11/07/2025 14:21

Bills are equally split.
Chores are expected or I will loudly complain.
He does a lot of the garden.
He cooks.
I do nothing for the pets unless he is working away. He pays for them.
He buys furniture etc. He bought the 2nd sofa and all his stuff for his bedroom.
I buy food etc but he pays extra for this.
All my DC have been expected to do their own laundry, cook, clean since they were 11 or so.
They are ALL ND.

As adults he doesn't live with me, we house share. I don't own a house and can't give any of my DC any money towards a deposit.

Mauvehoodie · 11/07/2025 14:08

Can you sell the house now rather than in 2 years? If they're almost 30 it sounds like this scenario has seriously run it's course. They must also be craving a home of their own? How was the 2 year timescale set?

Alternatively, I'd be doing 1/4 of the chores or maybe roughly 1/2 of the chores if you imagine it was just you and DH (so no washing of their laundry, cleaning extra bathrooms, cleaning up any mess they make in the kitchen etc). If DH wants to baby them then he can pick up their slack.

Option 3 is that you all pay towards a cleaner (or up their rent and use that). Not a total fix but at least it gives the house a clean once a week and may feel more like you're all pitching in.

jannier · 11/07/2025 13:37

My 30 year old lived at home with her boyfriend for a year...saving ...did their own shopping, cooking, washing and paid rent

Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 13:33

olderbutwiser · 11/07/2025 12:43

Is this a stepkids issue or a DH issue?

I say that because I was the parent who let her kids freeload, and dh was the one who resented it.

I let them get away with it because I felt guilty for giving them a crap father, guilty for breaking up the marriage with their crap father and exposing them to him, I was afraid they wouldn't love me if I said no, I was an arch avoidant... Not something a quick conversation would ever fix. And if it came to a choice I would have had to choose them over him.

So don't underestimate what might be going on, but do address it.

This is, what I suspect, is happening to be honest. He literally does everything for them.

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Original poster

Butterfly1728 · 11/07/2025 13:32

Suusue · 11/07/2025 13:28

Well that's what they are waiting for then. For you to sell the house in two years. I would not hoever do any washing or ironing for them or touch their rooms.

I don’t touch their rooms out of respect and I even I don’t iron 😂 But yes, that is what they are waiting on.

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