To think that proposing to a man kills attraction, even in “modern” couples?

YABU

What a load of pathetic sexist baloney. Honestly, I despair of some young women these days - and according to the OP, the men are just as bad.

When did we start going backwards? In the 80s I slept with my DH right away & I was the first to suggest marriage, as he was following me for my career- no big proposal, just a sensible discussion. None of this nonsense about asking the father, that also seems to have come back up these days, like cat sick.

I’ve been emasculating my DH for well over 30 years - come back to me when your marriage has lasted as long to tell us how we did it all wrong.

A build-up always results in a better finale, agreed. But I hate the term 'hard to get'. I just want really good, meaningful sex.

I can’t imagine anything more tiring and disappointing than spending my life trying to prop up the illusion of masculinity with performative femininity.

If masculinity in a man is important to you, then finding one who isn’t threatened by a woman asking a question is probably the way to go.

As old fashioned as this is - men like chase.
I’ve always found relationships work better , when you let him work a bit for you.

Depends on the dynamics in individual relationships. I know a lot of men who who ADORE their other halves and it would make no difference who proposed.

My dp would probably think I'd been abducted by aliens if I proposed. I have literally romantic traits whatsoever, but he'd probably keep the alien version of me, as he'd be over the moon.

Totally. I would be hugely turned off by this. It would give me second thoughts about marrying someone I otherwise really liked. I'd feel ambushed.

They're awful aren't they?! Any public proposal is cringe to be honest!

I disagree. A proposal doesn’t have to be performative at all. I suspect the majority of proposals are very low key affairs.

One party just suggesting marriage to the other is a proposal.

I always cringe at those big showy proposals. I feel so sorry for the recipient as it would be impossible to say no when your face is on the big screen at the football.

Nobody proposed in our case.
Just decided to get married…

There's a difference between a "proposal" with all the paraphernalia and melodrama that accompanies it and a grown-up discussion about planning a life together.

One is largely performative and relies on outdated stereotypes about a woman "giving herself" to a man. The other is practical and equal. It doesn't really matter who raises the question. It's a completely different approach.

I think you're probably right that it makes some men feel emasculated, but they're also the kind of men I wouldn't marry if you paid me. I think the concept of proposals is silly generally, though.

I proposed to my husband on leap year it was the most nerve wracking experience of my life. We went on a dog walk it was awful weather and I took a rucksack full of champagne and his favourite ham and cheese… we got half way and the sleet hit hard and just as I was about to propose he got the right ump told me I looked ridiculous carrying a now sodden back pack and he didn’t know why on earth I bought it. We turned back, no proposal and I cried the whole way home to which he was bemused as he didn’t know why I was so upset. When we got back I threw the back pack at him and said well I was bloody going to propose that’s why I’m so upset. Then we both laughed, drank the champagne, ate the now completely soggy ham and cheese and then told everyone that evening we were engaged. Even to this day 4 years married he says how I never even proposed….. I proposed as I knew he never would, we had both been married previously so wasn’t really on our agenda as such but no regrets so far AND I got to choose my ring ❤️

I think that's bollocks, OP. If your relationship would be so badly affected by the 'wrong' person proposing, it's not the kind of partnership that will make a good marriage.

'The proposal' is a load of nonsense that people make a fuss about nowadays. It used to be a straightforward 'Will you marry me?' that you could do anywhere, without a fuss, without a ring, without months of preparation, without a fancy holiday... just get over yourselves and get married, people.

Surely one of you has to bring the subject up?

We did the same. No big proposal on either side. We discussed it and then got married.

What century are you living in?

@ByHonestRoseBiscuit

Sometimes I think we underestimate how much 1950s wiring still shows up in 2020s packaging. Not saying it should be that way, just that it often is, even when people pretend otherwise.

"1950s wiring" shows up when its advantageous to men by allowing them to perpetuate patriarchy or to get out of committing to supporting the children they've raised. It's strangely absent when its something which tends to work in the woman's favour.

So these men who get the vapours about women proposing are usually very happy to accept 2020s attitudes to cohabitation and premarital sex and reap the benefits of having a partner who works and brings in money.

Then they mysteriously become "traditional" when someone asks to see the colour of their commitment.

I made the first move with my DH too and said the L word first.

This probably explains why 42% of marriages end in divorce.

Totally agree Op
I would never propose to a man

A surprising amount of people seem to like this prehistoric cosplay. Something which a certain sort of manipulative bloke tends to use to their advantage.

See all the threads on here which go: "I've got three kids with him, we live together and I haven't worked for 15 years and he won't marry me because he wants to be the one to propose...." etc etc

Someone who is "scared off" by a woman who wants to plan her own financial future is not husband material at all. It's actually a pretty good litmus test. If he curls up into a ball and his testicles drop off because you've dared to ask him, throw him back.