Wish I had married for money...

I think this is OP feeling under pressure, if she was in and out of hospital during pregnancy then she needed time to recuperate. The reality is pregnancy and breastfeeding have a higher toll on women, I don’t think that should be ignored, OP isn’t a robot, there is a real physical cost to childbearing and clearly OP has the worry of being the breadwinner as well plus it sounds like she has to be more flexible around the baby because her DH can’t. The reality is you either buy in help or DH steps up if there isn’t an equal division of labour.

Having a baby should be a two person job. OP how did you feel like he didn’t step up? First year of a baby can be really hard on a relationship, you have to figure out if you are being rational or not. I wanted to divorce my husband when I had PND, he did most of the nights too whilst working a full time job and I was at home. I was definitely not seeing clearly.

Honestly after years on mumsnet many a man basically does the least amount of the difficult shit they can get away with when it comes to kids. Of course you don’t hear about the ones who are normal parents and sharing the load fairly. But generally it’s men avoiding fully contributing time and effort to their families.

@everychildmattersits a role which takes incredible emotional intelligence, being good in a crisis, prioritising work load, dealing with people shouting in your face, trauma, mental health all of it! Well done to your DH

Best you leave this relationship now OP. Your DH deserves to be with someone who will respect him.

You may end up paying him maintenance, so get good legal advice.

I'm sure you won't have any issues finding a man to use for their money. But you will be competing with other women who don't have the responsibility of a child (well, part time, when it's your turn to have your child).

So talk together about how you can both achieve your goals.

Could you work part time to enable more time with DC?
Could you find a smaller house or reduce outgoings to enable you to live on reduced pay without getting through savings so quickly?

I think it's a bit unfair to resent him for his job if that's always been his job and you knew that when having a baby. Presumably you made the decision to buy based on you being the higher earner too.

is this how men feel in relationships where they work long hours and are the main breadwinners? I suppose no one will
admit to not pulling their weight as a SAHM

I suspect 90% of men in your position would put their work first and expect their much lower paid wife to take over most of the domestic load.

If he can’t do that around his job (you mention it being inflexible), maybe he needs to change job so he can make more effort domestically. After all yours is the job supporting the family.

Alternatively, you could look at selling the house, getting something cheaper and you move to a less well paid job that gives you more time at home. Then you share the domestic load 50/50.

What is not going to work is you doing more hours, more stress, carrying the financial load and ALSO being primary carer/homemaker. That’s a fast way to burn out and/or divorce.

Talk through the various options with him but he needs to understand that you carrying all the loads won’t work.

@Eatingallthebountys So true! My husband is, as you listed, an adult social care worker who carries out care act assessments and reviews. The pay isn't great by any stretch but he is genuinely one of the most intelligent people I've ever known. He's also an exceptional dad.
Also, to further support your comments, my ex-husband owned his own business as a FD.

Eatingallthebountys, that’s an absolutely fair point.
There’s many good careers that just don’t pay well.

@Gowlettthat’s just… not true. Family support workers, unregistered mental health staff, TA’s working with high needs children, social prescribers, adult social care workers who do care act assessments and reviews. All highly talented, motivated, incredibly clever yet low paid. Whilst some CEO’s… well, connections, being a white male and sociopathy seem to be all you need.

I am 17 years into this. Having a baby totally blindsided me. There are times where resentment builds, it’s a lot of responsibility being the breadwinner. We both went part time for a while, a 4 day week massively helped me. I have been full time again for the last few years and since then DH (still part time) does EVERYTHING round the house. I never do laundry, wash up, mop or anything. I do still carry a fair bit of the organisational load but I hate housework and decorating and routine garden maintenance so it largely suits me. He is also around to take care of any errands I or the kids need doing. I am glad I have kept my career and am proud about what I have earned and saved over the years. We live fairly frugally and so now work has gone shit, I plan to retire as soon as possible and have been shovelling into my pension for the last few years. DH will carry on working part time. I will find a more fulfilling way to spend my time. If that appeals to you both, it can work.

Fact is if he had the brains, motivation, wherewithal… He’d have a better career, more money. More stress too, but still. Security.

My DH is well-read, funny, interested in politics, news, culture. Has loads of friends. He hasn’t got a clue with work or money.

I have to think about, organise absolutely everything. Or else it just wouldn’t happen. He’s crazy about DS, but lacks emotional maturity.

If we want to buy a house, get a car, go on holiday, it will be all me. There was a couple of other “good husband” guys before him…

So he had the noble career when you married him, you liked it then, you don't like it now. Well, at least he's turned out to be the man you believed him to be.

I think you resent him because his life hasn't changed as much as yours and he doesn't sound like the type to be aware of your struggle in pregnancy and also, you can't rely on him to financially share the load evenly or even close to even, that's a lot of pressure on a new mother.
I would advise the game fair play which helps visualise the mental load of a home in a physical sense.

I've been married to both a very well-off man and a far less well-off one. The very well-off one is my ex. My life is immeasurably happier with my second husband than it ever was with my first.

@HotYellow887 If it was that easy to just "go and get a higher paid" job, surely we'd all be doing it?! Whereas stepping up at home/with childcare is easily within his control.
You would probably also find that if he did have a higher paid job with more responsibility outside of his actual work hours he would do less at home, not more.
Didn't you know his job/salary before you married him?

The thing is OP, that you actually HAVE savings, so you could afford to take time off to spend with your baby, but your financial security appears to be more important to you. As someone else who really values financial security, I can see where you're coming from, but if you took time off to be with your baby, and burned through your savings, would your job still be held open for you? If so, then I think you should take some time off now. Although money is important, the fact that you have been a high earner up to now, and presumably can be again, means that you should be able to save up again, but having this time with your baby, is precious, and so if you have the money to do it, I would.

As a matter of interest, did it not cross your mind that money might be tight when you took maternity leave, especially as you had just bought a new house? Did you not make any plans for this?

It sounds like you actually resent your DH because you weren't in a position to take the time off that you wanted to take, is that the case?

I think you need to sit down with your DH, and talk calmly about how you're feeling, or better still, sit and write down how you feel, as that way you're less likely to say something in the heat of the moment, that makes the whole thing blow up in your face. Tell him what it is you want from him, ie, do you want him to change his job and earn more, because you feel the responsibility of being the major earner and a mother is too much, and wish you could take a less stressful job, while still being able to keep the same lifestyle? Do you want to sell the house and get something with a smaller mortgage, so that you can cut back your hours? Do you want him to do more at home, so that when you get home, you can actually have time to sit down and play with your baby when you get in from work? Do you work much longer hours than him? If so, do you want to cut back on your hours? You really need to discuss with him EXACTLY what the problem is, and ideally propose a solution, rather than sailing into an argument when you're not clear about what you actually want.

@HotYellow887what does he do for a job?

It seems that even if your DH had an income that satisfied you then you’d still be in a shit marriage and unhappy. Money isn’t the issue here, it’s the element you’ve chosen to believe would solve the issue.

There’s more to life than money, OP. What a sad existence..

She’s said “DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings” and “if he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different.” I’m not getting the impression he’s partner and dad of the year.

@ComtesseDeSpair But the OP has titled this re marrying for money. I think that's the issue. OP - correct me if I'm wrong? Would you be happy if your husband still remains on his salary but does more to make the load at home/with childcare equal?

Respectfully OP, if you were in the high flying, well paid job you make out then I’d expect two things - 1. A decent length of paid maternity leave and 2. In the absence of 1, healthy savings from said well paid job.

My salary is nothing special - with bonus I usually take home c.£75/80,000 a year, and even I managed to save enough to take off 6 months following my first 6 months paid maternity.

Your husband sounds a good working man and father and you shouldn’t take your frustrations with yourself out on him.

I don’t think the “this is who he was when you met and who he’s always been so expecting him to change is unfair” concept is good enough. Life changes. Part of being an adult is changing with it, when you need to. Nobody should get to insist that they shouldn’t ever have to change their work, their lifestyle, and their approach to money when life has changed and what they’ve always done is no longer appropriate for or supportive of their changed life. He can’t simply carry on simultaneously being the lower earner whilst also not pulling his weight at home, so that OP is left shouldering both loads. People, whatever their job and income, are only rubbish partners if they choose to be: good partners think “my partner is really stressed and carrying the weight, what can I do to take some of that on board for them?”

You need to be honest about how hard you've worked to earn money, he needs to up his game, invest in himself, it'll be the difference between a good life and one spent pissed off.
I don't think yabu.
Probably should have realised it earlier, but it isn't too late.