Is this a generational thing or is it just my friendship circle [Content warning: mentions of suicide]

I have just found out a friend of mine died, that's a total of four from the friendship group that were ravers.

I think I know the kind of friendship group you have and it's pretty ingrained behaviour towards drugs. It's really hard to watch !

Are you happy in your relationship?

Firstly, sorry for your losses

Are all your friends addicts?

Im slightly younger and lost no friends to suicide or OD. In my entire extended circle I know of 2 people who were friends of a friends friend, who died by suicide but 1 had servere mental health issues and the other had recently lost their immediate family In an accident.

Im shocked that you've lost 12 people in the last 18months this way.

I completely understand, I was in the same scene from a teenager and definitely have known an abnormal amount of death, including my boyfriend when I was 18 from heroin. All boyfriends from then on were alcoholics that I’m surprised are still alive. Up until one of my friends killed herself after being involved with a drug dealer turned nasty and she was in a total state with drugs. Not long after I ended it with my then boyfriend, was completely and utterly done. I thought I was trapped but I found the strength through other friends who had moved on and got their lives together (I am also a professional and always had a job etc, I have a fiercely independent streak thankfully). I now have a sober husband (not an ex-addict, just doesn’t drink!) and most of my fiends are sober (but also from a similar scene and have history, I don’t think normal people understand me either! I can fake it for work as much as I need to) and am so glad to be out of it. I sometimes miss the fun and chaos from my youth, but it wasn’t fun anymore, it was very dark and people acted like it was normal. Please find the strength to leave your husband. This will all never ever change. Ever. If there isn’t anyone in the Bristol scene getting straight, move cities. What about the north? You have to choose you and I promise there is a big scene of people from the same background who are now sober and aren’t in this active cycle of tragedy. Your life doesn’t have to be like this anymore.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
this is obviously anecdotal and just my experience
im a little older than you and a lot of my friends growing up had tried, I wonder how much more successful they’d have been had the internet been there more to “help” in both advice in how to complete it and in the self perpetuating hatred of themselves.
my incredibly small group of friends now all have significant mental health issues, which we are sought help or are seeking help through. Two of us would definitely not be here now if it wasn’t for our children.
is it normal? Or are we drawn to this like minded people? I don’t know.

for some, i think it’s like the pain of living is just too much, and they are almost incompatible with life

OP i really felt for you reading your post. You've been through so much and you must feel like you're on shifting sands all of the time. It's not wrong to crave and want to create safety and security in your own life. It's not wrong to want to escape from this community which is bringing you so much pain (no doubt it has it's positives too hence why you've stayed). You can't help and cure everyone no matter how much you care about them. It's not wrong to drop the rope after you've tried your best, which I'm sure you have. It's not wrong to want more for yourself. I think there is a little voice in your head telling you this. You are different from these people. You have carved out a route for yourself. You just need to be brave now and step away. If you want some help in my experience citizens advice can be fantastic they can just listen or they can help you make those first steps. Good luck. If you happen to be in the south west drop me a PM x

Do you actually want to continue living like this OP. Excess drugs and death your norm?

You're not an addict. You have a professional job and your own income. There are other lifestyle options available to you.

I honestly don't know. I'm early 40s and while none of my inner circle have committed suicide, a lot of people I know by name or to say hello to, have. Or they have died from an overdose.
I would also say that 6 men I know have died of a heart attack or stroke within the last 2 years. They were all late 50s/early 60s. Every one has been a shock, but given that they were all heavy drinkers, it wasn't entirely surprising.

I think what all of these (the suicides, ODs, and heart attacks) have in common, is that i knew them, or of them, from the local pub scene. Heavy drinkers, and mental health problems are rife.

Jesus. I’m 30 OP and I don’t have a single friend who has committed suicide. It seems you may have gotten in with a very unhappy group of people and I’m so sorry you’re having to cope with that.

Of course it’s not normal. The only people I’ve had die since I was 17 are grandparents and an aunt who had cancer.

OP with kindness it sounds like you're waking up to the fact that the community you've grown up in is not very healthy and that you mean to make a fairly radical life break.

I knew quite a lot of people in the new age traveller community when I was younger and heroin/ketamin use were rife but I know what you mean in that it was very normalised and people in the community didn't see it as being unusual and were very conditioned to believe that "normal" society was sick and they were the ones who were free. I don't know if you can relate to this? I personally never bought into this and I found the whole scene pretty dark and depressing and extricated myself but I am familiar with this mindset.

This level of suicide and OD is very unusual, to be frank, it's not normal at all. But that doesn't make it any less painful for you and I'm sorry you've gone through it.

I think you're coming to the realisation that you need to leave your marriage and find a different life circle. I would take it in small steps: confide in someone initially outside the community that you know, maybe via Women's Aid or a counseller if you can afford one?

Then slowly start to map out a way out. Good luck. You sound like an intelligent person and you deserve better.

I have a similar ‘ratio’ of suicide loss and it’s because I’m surrounded by friends either struggling with recovery or still in active addiction. It really desensitises you to death after a while and frankly causes a few psychological problems further down as it’s simply not normal to deal with funeral after funeral.

please take care of yourself, OP. I’m sorry for your losses.

What is your profession?

ive not long turned 40 and have lost a few friends to suicide and my brother. ive had a very death filled life tbh. all siblings have passed away and lots of friends. grew up in a town known famously as a drug town. im one who moved away pretty quickly and rarely go there but driving through the town its still very run down and full of drugs. I think they plays a big part in suicide especially in men who start using at weekends and it spirals.

I know housing is tough even for people with a decent income, but if you're able to afford something independently it would be a start. This stood out for me from one of your earlier posts

Our neighbour is a heroin addict and my husband goes round there every day. He says he doesn't do heroin but I don't know, I don't believe him.

It sounds like you've been around the scene enough to recognise the signs and you know that he is. I don't think that you'll know what sort of life you want, let alone be able to start building it until you make a break from the one you don't, if that makes sense.

Do you want to get out of this community?

You don’t have to stay.

Lots of people move on, change jobs, relocate 100 miles away. It sounds like you have resources. Cut the drama loose, it’s not your ’scene’ anymore.

I am so sorry for your losses. I am early 50s and have known 5 people die my suicide in my circle. I also work in a profession with a very high suicide rate and have lost personal colleagues into easily double figures.

Same here.

I have some travelling friends, they have all had traumatic childhood experiences which is why they decided upon that life in the first place I think, to shun the society that let them down I suppose.

Op, you sound like a strong, intelligent woman who can do well in life when you have a professional career. I think getting away from your husband, especially when you have suspicions of heroin use and pay for everything, is a good idea. Now though when you just lost another friend and are in the midst of grief, is not the time to even try to think about/plan it. Give yourself some time to just get through these initial days and then when you feel ready come post a new post about it and get support on the relationships board.

I'm 39, I haven't lost any friends by suicide. Dhs cousin died mid 30s, in circumstances which I'm sure was suicide as he'd told me many times over the years if he were to do it he'd do it that was so it wouldn't be considered suicide, he was an addict.

I know of acquaintances who died by Suicide and there was drugs involved in all them sadly. I'm sorry for your losses.

Sorry for your loss Op. I think what you’ve experienced is a lot and far more than most , although I have had some deaths in my circle.
It really isn’t normal what you’ve experienced but reading your update and seeing the lifestyle your friends lead it does make “sense” - for want of a better word.

I have always hated drugs and have never had it in my social circle except the occasional weed smoker type friend.

I’m late 30s and I lost an old (sort of) friend to suicide in my early 30s, I hadn’t spoken to him for a few years but it still hit me hard as I knew him from my late teens.

I actually lost my first friend to suicide as a tween. She was a family friend and she died by suicide at around age 14.

Also lost a family friend - friends big brother - in my mid 20s.

And currently another friend of mine has cancer that the doctors say is terminal.

So I think for me it’s been about one loss a decade or so.

I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through the past couple of years. If you can access grief counselling that might help

I’m guessing from your user name you’re more in the alternative/punk scene? In which case, I think there is a higher amount of suicide and tragic deaths, as troubled souls are often drawn to those scenes and there’s a lot of drink and drug addiction. I also know a high number unfortunately, although not as many as you’ve stated. But the amount of alcoholics who totally normalise their drinking as it’s not out of the ordinary in the bubble of the scene is scary when you realise that isn’t normal. A lot of people I am still in touch with are now sober.

So sad, it’s very rare for women to kill themselves so violently, ODs are more common. I feel I have a group of friends that are very intelligent and very interesting but unfortunately with that comes some mental health problems often. It’s unusual you’ve had so many in such a short time and I feel for you. I don’t know if it’s any comfort but I think a lot of my friends felt quite tortured with life and some had really tried their best, at least they’re at peace now.