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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling Down AIBU?

268 replies

MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 16:40

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 19:10

Nannydoodles · 02/07/2025 19:09

OP it sounds like you are on the right track and making a great start to improving your life, admittedly I haven’t read every single post but would it be possible for you to find a local friendship group, lunch club or something to actually talk to people in real life?
As previous posters have said, don’t be in a hurry to tell new people too much, certainly not your inheritance details.
Obviously we don’t know what area of the country you are in but here (London borough) the council run friendship groups which could be supportive for you.
Good luck though and keep posting!

Thank you. Those friendship groups seem a really good idea

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 19:09

Barney16 · 02/07/2025 19:05

OP it sounds like you have been stuck for a long time. Sometimes when things feel overwhelming it's hard to move forward because making a start is so hard. But you have done so well. You should be very proud. What's next? Personally I would go for the boiler. How about planning some lovely treats for yourself too? Nice facial or nails, lovely candle etc

Thank you so much !! Treats seem a very good idea!

I need to take some stuff to the charity shop next

OP posts:
Nannydoodles · 02/07/2025 19:09

OP it sounds like you are on the right track and making a great start to improving your life, admittedly I haven’t read every single post but would it be possible for you to find a local friendship group, lunch club or something to actually talk to people in real life?
As previous posters have said, don’t be in a hurry to tell new people too much, certainly not your inheritance details.
Obviously we don’t know what area of the country you are in but here (London borough) the council run friendship groups which could be supportive for you.
Good luck though and keep posting!

Barney16 · 02/07/2025 19:05

OP it sounds like you have been stuck for a long time. Sometimes when things feel overwhelming it's hard to move forward because making a start is so hard. But you have done so well. You should be very proud. What's next? Personally I would go for the boiler. How about planning some lovely treats for yourself too? Nice facial or nails, lovely candle etc

MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 18:45

IOSTT · 02/07/2025 18:44

Mattress - advice is to replace every 8 years. The Queen used to buy a new one every 3 years! Good luck Op, you’re doing brilliantly 😊

Ah thanks I’ve had mine 9 years but the stuffing’s
coming out of it !!

OP posts:
IOSTT · 02/07/2025 18:44

Mattress - advice is to replace every 8 years. The Queen used to buy a new one every 3 years! Good luck Op, you’re doing brilliantly 😊

MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 18:44

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/07/2025 18:27

@MuchTerraine you've got this! Also you've inspired me to sort out my laundry so see you when we're both done 😄

Ah that’s excellent!

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 18:44

Update - just recycled every single plastic butter tub I’ve used since last December !

OP posts:
Beenhereforever1978 · 02/07/2025 18:27

@MuchTerraine you've got this! Also you've inspired me to sort out my laundry so see you when we're both done 😄

MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 17:40

I’ve really got to put in 3 hours of work now

please wish me luck peeps !

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 17:16

I’m generally in much better spirits today. I think I was expecting that chap to message me at various points yesterday and when I checked my phone and realised he hadn’t I’d get dejected all over again - whereas I’m not expecting him to message today

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 17:09

Goditsmemargaret · 02/07/2025 12:21

OP

You are brilliant. I'm thrilled for you getting the clear up done. Just keep going. When you have most of the stuff out of the house book a deep clean. Definitely get the boiler sorted in the meantime.

You are noting his absence because you have a void. Fill it elsewhere! Even take a trip down to the local library to see if there is anything coming up that might be of interest to you.

Your aunt gifted you a fresh start; take it.

Keep posting here. I am behind you and so are many others. Good luck!!!

Thank you - it means so much to me that you all invite me to keep posting !

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 16:57

I’m now off to sort out 40 empty plastic bags and put them away somewhere !!

Wish me luck !

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 16:48

Lookuptotheskies · 02/07/2025 12:16

OP if you want to continue to chat to him in a vague chatty non emotional way that's fine but you'd be going forward knowing that's all he can provide. He clearly doesn't want to provide personal/emotional support. You sound quite invested in the contact from him and I'd suggest you chat online with people in general via forums like Mumsnet instead and sack him off tbh.

Your inheritance, I can understand you sharing that here in an anonymous forum but don't mention it to anyone you are getting to know, online or in real life will you. You sound like a very lovely and open person, but sadly this can attract people who aren't so lovely.

You have the funds to get some help. I'd really really recommend therapy. I paid for some from an organisation near me that trains therapists and they charge a sliding scale for fees which was amazing for me with no income or savings.

Keep posting on here too and we can cheer you on.

Don't be afraid to spend some of the money on things that will help you! A weekly cleaner, new mattress and bedding, get the boiler looked at etc. All these little things will help improve your home life but they will also signify you putting yourself first and making choices to help you.

Yes I agree I’ve been very invested in our daily personal online chats. I miss them now they’re not there.

I know about inheritance issues. I’m an only child but even before my inheritance more remote family members as it were were trying to screw me over to get their hands on it. I told them all to f**k off and never contact me again.

yes i definitely need to spend the money on improving my living circumstances

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 16:41

FreyaFromTheFens · 02/07/2025 15:37

You sound so much more positive, well done on your recent achievements!

Please be very careful who you mention your position/financial situation to. Not just this guy but anyone going forward as you could well be taken advantage of.

Keep positive and start fantasy house hunting, I would 🙂Where would you love to live? What type of house?

Yes I’m very wary of who I mention my financial situation to - no one needs to know !!

I’d love a flat in a purpose built block but I’m very wary of potential service charge issues. - particularly actually after reading a few threads on here !

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 16:38

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/07/2025 15:51

Look at you go @MuchTerraine

Another one here cheering you on!

It took me 6 months to "research" a new mattress so I get you. I finally chose one by just going and trying them out. It was a fun trip!

I’d love to have a nice new memory foam mattress !!

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 16:35

Update :

OK I hadn’t recycled at all since before Xmas. I’ve now taken out ALL the Diet Coke bottles and cans. Although I’ve got a bit more recycling to do, it’s the Diet Coke bottles that were by far the major component. And I’ve sorted them all out in less than 24 hours. This time yesterday. there were plastic bags full of them in the lounge, kitchen and hall and they were a HUGE tripping hazard. Now I’m pleased to say my lounge is clear!!

OP posts:
Beenhereforever1978 · 02/07/2025 15:51

Look at you go @MuchTerraine

Another one here cheering you on!

It took me 6 months to "research" a new mattress so I get you. I finally chose one by just going and trying them out. It was a fun trip!

FreyaFromTheFens · 02/07/2025 15:37

You sound so much more positive, well done on your recent achievements!

Please be very careful who you mention your position/financial situation to. Not just this guy but anyone going forward as you could well be taken advantage of.

Keep positive and start fantasy house hunting, I would 🙂Where would you love to live? What type of house?

MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 15:05

ShamrockShenanigans · 02/07/2025 14:59

Brilliant OP, well done.

Thank U ❤️

OP posts:
ShamrockShenanigans · 02/07/2025 14:59

Brilliant OP, well done.

MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 14:54

ShamrockShenanigans · 02/07/2025 14:45

Have you done anything positive today OP?

YES.

Sorted out my recycling and finished it

Been out jogging twice for half a hour each time

Walked to the local high street to get tomorrow’s food and some diet drinks

Stuck to my diet

Drank 1.5l of water

Done some admin tasks

OP posts:
livindadream · 02/07/2025 14:51

Send me the make and model of your new boiler and the clock on the wall and I will look up instructions for you x

MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 14:49

Bellaphant · 02/07/2025 12:08

Hi op,

Ignore him, talk to us instead. There's a thread here full of people rooting for you.

Thank you so much - this means VERY MUCH to me 😊😊❤️

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 02/07/2025 14:48

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/07/2025 12:05

I've been there, OP. When there just seems so MUCH wrong that you are paralysed and just don't know where to start. Can I advise just trying to do a tiny bit every day? You're working on your weight with fabulous results, perhaps just aim to clear one little corner, or fill the sink and wash a few plates? Look on it as part of your new exercise routine!

And there are plenty of forums online where you can chat to and get friendly with people, rather than chatting to random men.

Such good advice thank u ❤️

OP posts: