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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling Down AIBU?

268 replies

MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 16:40

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

OP posts:
AffIt · 03/07/2025 17:25

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 17:19

How can a boiler not being used have repercussions ?

Because they do need to be turned on fairly regularly to make sure the component parts are working and firing correctly.

They should also be serviced annually, especially gas boilers.

Your hot water system needs to be flushed through regularly to keep it in working order.

Additionally, if your heating system is connected to your boiler (which most are), presumably you haven't been using that either? Probably less of a problem in a flat than a detached house, but completely unheated houses can suffer from damp or damaged pipes.

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 17:19

AffIt · 03/07/2025 17:10

But even a boiler that's not being used can have repercussions, especially if you are thinking of moving out and buying a new property.

I really do think you should contact your landlord, as that will, if nothing else, give them the opportunity to get things ready for the next tenant.

How can a boiler not being used have repercussions ?

OP posts:
AffIt · 03/07/2025 17:10

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:23

@AffIt

the stuff in my flats not malfunctioning such to be fair it’s just I’ve not got round to using the boiler etc

yes I have friendly neighbours

But even a boiler that's not being used can have repercussions, especially if you are thinking of moving out and buying a new property.

I really do think you should contact your landlord, as that will, if nothing else, give them the opportunity to get things ready for the next tenant.

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:55

Horses7 · 03/07/2025 16:53

When you’re ready (perhaps not right now) you might want to think of moving and making a completely fresh start.
Look at places where you’d really, really like to live as you’ve no ties to your present place, eg I would want to live somewhere rural and pretty say a village/town near the coast or hills.
Perhaps you’d like to live in a city where there’s lots going on - make a list of pros and cons to help you decide.
A lot of people would love to be in your position - the ability to start over somewhere new.

Thank you.

This has made me feel hopeful and given me plenty of food for thought

OP posts:
Horses7 · 03/07/2025 16:53

When you’re ready (perhaps not right now) you might want to think of moving and making a completely fresh start.
Look at places where you’d really, really like to live as you’ve no ties to your present place, eg I would want to live somewhere rural and pretty say a village/town near the coast or hills.
Perhaps you’d like to live in a city where there’s lots going on - make a list of pros and cons to help you decide.
A lot of people would love to be in your position - the ability to start over somewhere new.

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:52

I feel the bloke backing away has brought an end to the contact which if I’m being honest I wanted deep down and would’ve been very awkward to finish otherwise

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:34

Change9944 · 03/07/2025 16:32

Did you share recent pics?

No

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:34

Hi I’m so grateful to everyone who’s contributed to this thread thus far and I just wanted to give some more context / updates

It’s not the man I was communicating with that made me turn my life around.

I started a much needed strict diet last week on Tuesday, 24th June.

On Thursday 26th June exactly a week ago I read something online that was very pertinent to my situation and would explain exactly why I’m at the exact position I’m at. I actually searched for this info specifically on line and found it. This has explained to exactly why I am the way I am and since realising this its made me feel much more relaxed in myself and I can just get on with things much easier. It’s been life changing.

Also I think the guy backing off has really been a blessing in disguise because -

I didn’t really want him to start receiving DMs from anyone at including him

he was badgering me for pix and the constant sexual innuendo got boring

OP posts:
Change9944 · 03/07/2025 16:32

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:21

I’m 52 no living family

The online platform I communicated with him on is NOT in any way a dating app it’s a general platform and doesn’t have any sort of dating intention at all - and I told him the date of the pic - we’ve both been sharing old pics of our youth etc - so it’s not catfishing as it’s not a dating app at all with none of the consequent expectation that goes with it and I’ve been upfront about exactly when it was taken

Did you share recent pics?

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:23

@AffIt

the stuff in my flats not malfunctioning such to be fair it’s just I’ve not got round to using the boiler etc

yes I have friendly neighbours

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 16:21

AffIt · 03/07/2025 16:12

Hi OP - firstly, I'm pleased you're feeling motivated and happier.

However, there's quite a lot here that's pretty concerning and while I'm glad that this thread is giving you some support, I would hope you have access to something a bit more formal in real life?

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Do you work or have any living family? Friendly neighbours?

As PPs have said, spending some of your inheritance on therapy and some practical support in the immediate here and now would be very valuable. Are you registered with a GP?

You also really need to speak to your landlord ASAP, as if your flat is in a state of disrepair with malfunctioning devices, as it sounds, they do need to know.

I would also strongly recommend not using very old pics on apps: I know you said you had no intention of meeting the man you've been speaking with, but technically that could be construed as catfishing, which is a bit dishonest.

Anyway, all the best for the future.

I’m 52 no living family

The online platform I communicated with him on is NOT in any way a dating app it’s a general platform and doesn’t have any sort of dating intention at all - and I told him the date of the pic - we’ve both been sharing old pics of our youth etc - so it’s not catfishing as it’s not a dating app at all with none of the consequent expectation that goes with it and I’ve been upfront about exactly when it was taken

OP posts:
AffIt · 03/07/2025 16:12

Hi OP - firstly, I'm pleased you're feeling motivated and happier.

However, there's quite a lot here that's pretty concerning and while I'm glad that this thread is giving you some support, I would hope you have access to something a bit more formal in real life?

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Do you work or have any living family? Friendly neighbours?

As PPs have said, spending some of your inheritance on therapy and some practical support in the immediate here and now would be very valuable. Are you registered with a GP?

You also really need to speak to your landlord ASAP, as if your flat is in a state of disrepair with malfunctioning devices, as it sounds, they do need to know.

I would also strongly recommend not using very old pics on apps: I know you said you had no intention of meeting the man you've been speaking with, but technically that could be construed as catfishing, which is a bit dishonest.

Anyway, all the best for the future.

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:45

Change9944 · 03/07/2025 15:41

Did you meet on a dating app then?

No !! Definitely not a dating app!

we were never even gonna meet in real life

OP posts:
Change9944 · 03/07/2025 15:41

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:27

No current ones

Did you meet on a dating app then?

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:36

InvitingMattress · 03/07/2025 14:09

No, Nothing is like it used to be, and that’s mostly a good thing, right? You’re running, losing weight, drinking water, getting on top of your house etc! Would you really go back to when he was messaging you in the way you liked, but everything else was out of control?

@InvitingMattress

I’ve quoted your post again because the points you’ve made here have helped me more than you know.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:27

Change9944 · 03/07/2025 15:20

But why are you using old pictures like that?
Did you send him any current ones?

No current ones

OP posts:
Change9944 · 03/07/2025 15:20

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:09

That one was my profile pic so he saw it anyway

But why are you using old pictures like that?
Did you send him any current ones?

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:18

InvitingMattress · 03/07/2025 14:09

No, Nothing is like it used to be, and that’s mostly a good thing, right? You’re running, losing weight, drinking water, getting on top of your house etc! Would you really go back to when he was messaging you in the way you liked, but everything else was out of control?

Thank you . This post has helped me a lot !

you’re absolutely right - most of the time I was messaging him my life was spiralling downwards - I only started my new regime on 24th June.

Ive just scrolled through our DMs and gosh we used to message loads - just scrolling through one day’s messages is like that well known social media meme

“it’s been 84 years!” - you know the one !!

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 15:09

Change9944 · 03/07/2025 14:31

You sent him old photos?

That one was my profile pic so he saw it anyway

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 14:33

BizzyLizzyandLittleMo · 03/07/2025 02:31

Just wanted to say well done on all your achievements so far op.
Also wondered whether you’ve checked out the Nextdoor App? It’s an App that connects you to your local community so you can ask for advice, recommendations for local handymen etc. If you post on there for advice regarding your boiler you’re sure to get some replies and offers of assistance. I use it all the time and on my first time posting for some advice on fixing my dishwasher door a local guy offered to take a look and ended up fixing it for free (i did send him away with a jar of homemade jam but he steadfastly refused any offer of money).

Anyway keep up the good work, you’ve motivated me to get some longstanding jobs done too x

No im not on Next Door app - thanks I’ll check it out. Glad I’ve motivated you too!

OP posts:
Change9944 · 03/07/2025 14:31

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 14:22

No you’re absolutely right

if I’m being honest he was being a tad inappropriate with sexual banter - I’d sent him a photo of me - fully appropriately clothed - nothing dodgy! - when I was 8 stone and a size 8 back in 2010 and admittedly I look attractive there so I think he liked the way I physically looked in 2010 - but I was getting bored of the sexual innuendos when I know we weren’t going to ever meet in real life

You sent him old photos?

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 14:22

InvitingMattress · 03/07/2025 14:09

No, Nothing is like it used to be, and that’s mostly a good thing, right? You’re running, losing weight, drinking water, getting on top of your house etc! Would you really go back to when he was messaging you in the way you liked, but everything else was out of control?

No you’re absolutely right

if I’m being honest he was being a tad inappropriate with sexual banter - I’d sent him a photo of me - fully appropriately clothed - nothing dodgy! - when I was 8 stone and a size 8 back in 2010 and admittedly I look attractive there so I think he liked the way I physically looked in 2010 - but I was getting bored of the sexual innuendos when I know we weren’t going to ever meet in real life

OP posts:
InvitingMattress · 03/07/2025 14:09

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 13:40

However - my chap has been online and still no personal message but he has sent me a superficial thing so he’s still in touch - but nothing like it used to be 🥲

No, Nothing is like it used to be, and that’s mostly a good thing, right? You’re running, losing weight, drinking water, getting on top of your house etc! Would you really go back to when he was messaging you in the way you liked, but everything else was out of control?

MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 13:40

However - my chap has been online and still no personal message but he has sent me a superficial thing so he’s still in touch - but nothing like it used to be 🥲

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 03/07/2025 13:39

Update: went running this morning but my feet just as trainers didn’t seem to be giving enough cushioning.

Just come back from town now with a brand new pair of trainers and ‘wellness’ journal from a stationer’s to document my progress

The cushioning on these particular trainers is so good it’s unreal - I didn’t feel like going into town this morning with so much to do and sort out but so glad I did!!!

OP posts:
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