Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling Down AIBU?

268 replies

MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 16:40

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

OP posts:
User2488898 · 01/07/2025 19:26

@MuchTerraine you sound so lovely! And ready to get moving... you'll get there. A step by step approach is a good idea and my advice with men is always to keep some things private! They love an air of mystery and intrigued lols.

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 19:26

LittlleMy · 01/07/2025 18:44

If you haven’t got anything constructive to say maybe say nothing at all? Did you read the part about OP saying her partner died suddenly and she has no friends? Did you pause to think that when one becomes overwhelmed with life to the point they are living without heating, hot water, broken transport and in unhygienic conditions and severely overweight that they may be dealing with challenging mental health conditions which often is the cause of the rest of their life unravelling. OP isn’t actively choosing to be a ‘slob’.

@MuchTerraine sending you big hugs. Unfortunately people can get spooked by such revelations. Especially if you’ve never met, people tend to fantasise about the kind of person the other may be and obviously there’s a huge disconnect between that and real life now that you’ve disclosed the warts n all of your life. Please don’t take it personally since he never really properly knew you. Take heart from the fact you’re obviously great company for him to be engaged for as long as he was. And well done on your weight loss. I’m going through something as a singleton a little similar and have no friends or family to support me so know how difficult it is to climb out of such a predicament. You’re making a great start though with the weight loss and I’m sure things will slowly but surely keep improving for you ♥️

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you - your post is really helpful and lovely ❤️ the kind and positive things you’ve said about me have brought tears to my eyes - but in a good way!

I honestly don’t mind people saying I’m disgusting - maybe it’s a kick up the backside I need and tbh I feel in someways the fact he’s backed off has been a blessing in disguise in someways - it really has - it’s made me more focused

im sorry you’re similarly struggling - and I hope things improve soon for you too ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 19:20

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 01/07/2025 18:33

Widower here, lost my wife 2 and a bit years ago. Got my shit together, not a stereotypical man on his own, been dipping my toe into the online dating scene. What you describe, to be honest, would put me off. In fact had a couple of dates with a lady who told me her house had got very run down, rats in the attic, lights not working, and had moved her stuff so she was effectively living in one room. Gave me the major ick. We want what we want. Not for me.

Sorry you lost your wife ❤️

Thank you for being honest with me

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 01/07/2025 19:02

You’re doing great OP!
It was probably a short lived thing anyway as most people would want to meet at some point so why invest time otherwise. And then you saying all that just ended it earlier. I would be really put off by everything you said. Wait until you’re in a better place to start chatting to someone

Slobberchops1 · 01/07/2025 18:51

LittlleMy · 01/07/2025 18:44

If you haven’t got anything constructive to say maybe say nothing at all? Did you read the part about OP saying her partner died suddenly and she has no friends? Did you pause to think that when one becomes overwhelmed with life to the point they are living without heating, hot water, broken transport and in unhygienic conditions and severely overweight that they may be dealing with challenging mental health conditions which often is the cause of the rest of their life unravelling. OP isn’t actively choosing to be a ‘slob’.

@MuchTerraine sending you big hugs. Unfortunately people can get spooked by such revelations. Especially if you’ve never met, people tend to fantasise about the kind of person the other may be and obviously there’s a huge disconnect between that and real life now that you’ve disclosed the warts n all of your life. Please don’t take it personally since he never really properly knew you. Take heart from the fact you’re obviously great company for him to be engaged for as long as he was. And well done on your weight loss. I’m going through something as a singleton a little similar and have no friends or family to support me so know how difficult it is to climb out of such a predicament. You’re making a great start though with the weight loss and I’m sure things will slowly but surely keep improving for you ♥️

Edited
Show quote history

Partner died 15 years ago - you can get your shit together in 15 years . The OP obviously needs it spelt out to them and being namby pamby about won’t do them any favours

dollyblue01 · 01/07/2025 18:44

Why can’t you sort the boiler out ? That would be my priority, get the jobs done , sort your house out, throw yourself into fitness for six months and you can be tbe best version of you, you don’t need anyone else , you can do it, just need to start daily and make the changes , no one can do it for you, wish you the best of luck x

LittlleMy · 01/07/2025 18:44

Slobberchops1 · 01/07/2025 17:43

You don’t work , no washing machine and a dirty house - yeah no wonder he backed off .

That sounds disgusting. There’s lots of threads on here about slovenly men and how women need to raise their standards and not entertain these slobs - it goes both ways for either sex

If you haven’t got anything constructive to say maybe say nothing at all? Did you read the part about OP saying her partner died suddenly and she has no friends? Did you pause to think that when one becomes overwhelmed with life to the point they are living without heating, hot water, broken transport and in unhygienic conditions and severely overweight that they may be dealing with challenging mental health conditions which often is the cause of the rest of their life unravelling. OP isn’t actively choosing to be a ‘slob’.

@MuchTerraine sending you big hugs. Unfortunately people can get spooked by such revelations. Especially if you’ve never met, people tend to fantasise about the kind of person the other may be and obviously there’s a huge disconnect between that and real life now that you’ve disclosed the warts n all of your life. Please don’t take it personally since he never really properly knew you. Take heart from the fact you’re obviously great company for him to be engaged for as long as he was. And well done on your weight loss. I’m going through something as a singleton a little similar and have no friends or family to support me so know how difficult it is to climb out of such a predicament. You’re making a great start though with the weight loss and I’m sure things will slowly but surely keep improving for you ♥️

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 01/07/2025 18:33

Widower here, lost my wife 2 and a bit years ago. Got my shit together, not a stereotypical man on his own, been dipping my toe into the online dating scene. What you describe, to be honest, would put me off. In fact had a couple of dates with a lady who told me her house had got very run down, rats in the attic, lights not working, and had moved her stuff so she was effectively living in one room. Gave me the major ick. We want what we want. Not for me.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2025 18:11

(If there isn’t anything useful, find a customer helpline for the company who makes the boiler and give them a call tomorrow).

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 18:11

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2025 18:10

Great, start there OP. Hopefully there will be an easy explainer for you. These things can feel forbidding but once you find out how to work it, it’s pretty easy 😊

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2025 18:10

Great, start there OP. Hopefully there will be an easy explainer for you. These things can feel forbidding but once you find out how to work it, it’s pretty easy 😊

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 18:08

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2025 18:08

Can you look at the exact model of your boiler, and then have a look on YouTube how to work it?

Yes thank you - good idea

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2025 18:08

Can you look at the exact model of your boiler, and then have a look on YouTube how to work it?

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 18:03

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/07/2025 18:03

Fair enough but wouldn’t it be easier with hot water? What I’m getting at is small steps to make things easier to do and keep up and to help build some momentum.

Show quote history

Yes I get you - I get exactly what you’re saying

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/07/2025 18:03

MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 18:00

Ah Ive done the dishes now with water from kettle

Show quote history

Fair enough but wouldn’t it be easier with hot water? What I’m getting at is small steps to make things easier to do and keep up and to help build some momentum.

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 18:00

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/07/2025 17:59

What do you have to do to sort the hot water? Start there. Then you can start to tackle some of the smaller things, like washing dishes. Then washing bedding, then..whatever the next thing is.

Take it a step at a time. Weight loss is a marathon… so you can continue the efforts there, but I would suggest you have some more immediate concerns.

Edit: I reread where the bedding needs replaced vs. washing. Ok exchange that step with replacing lightbulbs.

Edited

Ah Ive done the dishes now with water from kettle

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/07/2025 17:59

What do you have to do to sort the hot water? Start there. Then you can start to tackle some of the smaller things, like washing dishes. Then washing bedding, then..whatever the next thing is.

Take it a step at a time. Weight loss is a marathon… so you can continue the efforts there, but I would suggest you have some more immediate concerns.

Edit: I reread where the bedding needs replaced vs. washing. Ok exchange that step with replacing lightbulbs.

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 17:55

Livpool · 01/07/2025 17:54

I think you have scared him off OP - that was a lot of information to give someone who is basically a stranger. I imagine he felt it was too much for him to deal with, when he doesn’t know you

Yes this is what I fear. I’ve looked on my phone today hoping to hear from him

OP posts:
Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 17:55

ginasevern · 01/07/2025 17:53

OP, forget about this man. You sound vulnerable and he got cold feet. You're doing well to get yourself together and I should concentrate on that before looking for a relationship.

Thank you for your supportive words but I was never looking for a real life relationship with this man!

But I enjoy our online communication

OP posts:
Livpool · 01/07/2025 17:54

I think you have scared him off OP - that was a lot of information to give someone who is basically a stranger. I imagine he felt it was too much for him to deal with, when he doesn’t know you

ginasevern · 01/07/2025 17:53

OP, forget about this man. You sound vulnerable and he got cold feet. You're doing well to get yourself together and I should concentrate on that before looking for a relationship.

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 17:51

Samas · 01/07/2025 17:49

If someone told me all of that before we had met, I wouldn't want to take it any further. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and that you have struggled in recent years wouldn't put me off. It's the fact by telling me all of that so soon that would make me feel like you would need a lot of emotional support and become a little needy

Thank you for your supportive words and realistic take

OP posts:
Samas · 01/07/2025 17:49

If someone told me all of that before we had met, I wouldn't want to take it any further. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and that you have struggled in recent years wouldn't put me off. It's the fact by telling me all of that so soon that would make me feel like you would need a lot of emotional support and become a little needy

Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 17:47

Slobberchops1 · 01/07/2025 17:43

You don’t work , no washing machine and a dirty house - yeah no wonder he backed off .

That sounds disgusting. There’s lots of threads on here about slovenly men and how women need to raise their standards and not entertain these slobs - it goes both ways for either sex

I sensed he backed off and am gutted

OP posts:
Original poster
MuchTerraine · 01/07/2025 17:45

Slobberchops1 · 01/07/2025 17:43

You don’t work , no washing machine and a dirty house - yeah no wonder he backed off .

That sounds disgusting. There’s lots of threads on here about slovenly men and how women need to raise their standards and not entertain these slobs - it goes both ways for either sex

He doesn’t know I don’t work

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread