To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

I think she has the right to do this and be supported in her decision if it is what she wants. She is pregnant very young and will not have the ability to look at things like this with the perspective of someone who’s been an adult for a while before becoming a parent. Sh isn’t doing anything wrong, and the same choice with a different perspective and for different people could just as easily be seen as a beautiful, considerate gesture.

While the loss you your son will have been devastating for you and that does deserve recognition, the loss of her brother will have affected your daughter as she grew up too. She was raised by people going through the grief of losing a child, and that will have made a difference to the parenting and family situations she experienced. Your boy was your daughters brother as well as your son.

Aside from everything else, I think it's not good for a child to be named after one who died so young. The new baby needs and deserves his own identity. Would she consider changing the name for her own childs sake?

It's her baby and her choice BUT presumably she's going to carry on living with her mum and expects her mum to financially support both of them. So she needs to start having a bit more respect for her mother and her feelings.

I wouldn't be happy with my 18-year-old falling pregnant - sorry OP but I wouldn't be - and if they were going to live with a baby in my house, it would be very much by my rules. I appreciate it's difficult putting boundaries in retrospectively, but on the other hand, your daughter does sound extremely entitled and not the ideal person to be raising a child herself. You need to start doing it or you'll be run ragged.

Well, the honoring her brother gives her a virtue boost. Doubt she will change her mind.

That’s great, everyone’s happy. Would they have reconsidered if she had felt the way OP does?

If she refuses to change the name, maybe come up with a nickname that isnt triggering to your grief and use that? I know a bit of a wet fish of a suggestion but if she’s really unmoved by attempts to reason with her, it’s all you can do really

My brother’s son is named after my brother who died shortly after birth! My DM was over the moon that they chose to remember my elder brother in the way they did!

YABU. It's her baby and her choice.

But you're entitled to express your thoughts. She's entitled not to listen.

What an absolute c**t of a comment.

OP, I think your daughter is being incredibly insensitive. Whether she’s aware of that is another matter. I don’t know what to advise, but I hope she has a change of heart. I would hate the idea.

Im so sorry.

This is so horrible, an impossible situation. Your feelings are valid, but so are hers. I don’t necessarily agree with the posters who say that it’s her immaturity shining through and it’s to do with her age. I have to say, it was Her brother, as much as it was your son, and even though she wouldn’t remember him because of how little they both were, She may feel a sense of guilt that although they had the same illness, it was him that passed and not her (As morbid as it sounds). I totally hear where you’re coming from in terms of your grandson being a constant reminder of the turmoil you’ve been in, but it could also be how she handles her own grief And Who to say whose grief is more important?

I do agree, it warrants another conversation and maybe a suggestion that it could be a middle name once the emotion settle, But ultimately, try to also see where she is coming from.

She'd do better to honour her brother by being the best possible daughter to his loving mother.

At 18 years old, I assume she intends to live with you? I would be making it clear that if she can’t respect your feelings enough to use your sons name as a middle name, you won’t be able to have her living with you. If she’s decided she’s independent enough to name her child without considering you, she is independent enough to house herself.

Admittedly, I might not follow through with that, but as the mum of a stillborn baby, I can imagine the pain of living with that constant reminder and I’m not sure I could handle it,

I know, hate to think the sort of person they are in real life.

My teen dd was quite frankly bloody awful.
Very defiant.. School refuser.. Dropped out of college..
Just had a baby at 18
.
Been the making of her... I work ft and she is still at home. She knew keeping the baby meant hard work for her.. Not me. She is shaping up very nicely... Her bf is fantastic...
The dc has barely affected us (me /dh /siblings) at all. Happy to hold. Happy to hand back a screaming dc.. Very satisfying tbh!!
*the handing back.
Get those boundaries in place op.

So sorry your DD is doing this. There is still time for her to change her mind. Could she be saying this to be deliberately cruel to you OP?

Another one agreeing - that comment made me feel sick.

Sorry for your loss.
I think telling her how sad it makes you will get you nowhere. I would approach it from the angle of baby being their own person without any sadness involved and push for a middle name.
Im against naming in honour of a recent relative as I feel like it might bring their difficult fate onto a newborn. I know it sounds ridiculous so I don’t know if you can use this sort of argument with your daughter.

I agree with you. I couldn't believe what I was reading.

I think this is a lovely idea. Write her a letter so she has time to digest what you are saying. Even if her gut reaction now is heels in, im honouring my brother, she may change her mind over the next few months. Just write a letter and say no more.

I do think it's lovely that she wants to honour her brother in this way. I bet she thought you'd be thrilled and doesn't yet understand your reaction.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Elliot, your little boy. I cant imagine the pain.

Absolutely agree - it's disgusting.

I agree on potentially writing a letter explaining your feelings and suggesting using as a middle name. BUT I would also make clear that you will respect her decision either way, and I would try to mean that. Your GS may well have this name and it will be better for everyone if you try to make peace with that. Can't imagine how hard this is though.

YANBU. You have been through so much hardship and I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself for anything.

Could writing it down for her to read be a better way of communicating this to her?

I’m sorry but “not if you make it about you and your sour relations” is an absolute disgusting thing to say to a mum who lost a child. What an awful person

OMG I am SO sorry about Elliot ❤️‍🩹 then having it with DD too. That's a lot to deal with. No parent should have to go through that xx

It's completely understandable you were 'soft' with DD & her younger brother. Totally understandable. It's unfortunate that it may have contributed to DD being the way she is. But you did what you needed to at the time & you shouldn't beat yourself up for that 🤗

How are you coping with her being pregnant at 18 & what's the plan?

As for calling the baby Elliot, just NO. She's not 'honouring' her brother by causing you this much pain. Be blunt (time to stop being so soft) tell her what you wrote here about how it makes you feel. I'm not dismissing her loss, but she was 9 months old, she didn't go through what you did. She has NO right to do this & expect you to be ok with it. NONE.

big love xx

Agree with seeing if she will make it a middle name. That way she honours her brother without it hitting you in the face on a daily basis.