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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

245 replies

Chromeal · 01/07/2025 16:03

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

OP posts:
XWKD · 01/07/2025 17:26

My cousin and I are named after dead siblings of parents. In itself I think it is a lovely idea, and your daughter probably thought this too, and that you'd be pleased. The distress and grief of a loss is a very individual thing, and you are not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do. I hope she eventually understands this.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/07/2025 17:24

OpalMaker · 01/07/2025 16:24

I’d be quite straightforward with her and explain that every time you hear your grandsons name for the rest of your life (if she goes ahead with the name) your brain is going to set off a big red internal klaxon that says “my baby died” and not what she’s hoping for which is “my darling little grandson, named after his uncle in heaven, how sweet”.

She has decided she is a big girl, ready for the real world.

This...

Can you put this in a letter to her...??

I'd also spell out... That this feeling you'll have, it's never likely to go away.

You're pleased she's honouring her brother but please do it in a different way...

Not2identifying · 01/07/2025 17:23

I feel for you so, so much.

Christwosheds · 01/07/2025 17:22

tripleginandtonic · 01/07/2025 16:29

She's right though, it's her baby and her brother she wishes to honour. Hopefully a new start and happier associations will come from it, but not if you make it about you and sour relations. Take it as a good point that she wants to remember him, you must have done a good job of talking about him. As mumsnet says, no one owns a name.

Not wanting to have to say and hear the name of your child who died is not “making it all about you” .
I am shocked at this response. Have you lost a child ? We lost a child in my close family and I know if one of my DD’s used that name for their baby (other than as a middle name) it would cause immeasurable grief to the parent. It’s an incredibly insensitive thing to do, and it’s also taking the grief of the OP and using it as a me me me me way of getting attention. It’s a really heavy load on a baby too.
I am named after a family member of my Mum, to whom Mum was very close, and who died very young. My name was chosen so that it is a related name but not the same name and not a shortened version, for just these reasons.

Tiswa · 01/07/2025 17:21

@Chromeal have you ever had an open and honest conversation with her about the impact all of this has had on you, her and your relationship. I don’t think it will be an easy one but I think defences need to be lowered and understandings reached on both sides the impact the loss and cancer has had on both of you

InterIgnis · 01/07/2025 17:16

He’s a brother she never knew, but also a brother whose presence was felt throughout her childhood, who she is tied to not just by blood, but by a shared illness that she survived and he did not. I wouldn’t negate how strongly she may feel about this by comparing it to your own grief, as she could very easily double down and go ahead if only to ‘prove’ just how much he means to her, and in defiance of what she may see as you gatekeeping Elliot’s name and memory.

You obviously can’t stop her using the name. If she’s living with and being supported by you, you could try and leverage that, but be prepared for that not to work. While there are those that acquiesce if they feel backed into a corner, there are also those that will proverbially attack back and do anything but, even if to their own detriment.

I don’t think there’s realistically a ‘good’ outcome here, rather it comes down to whatever outcome you can best live with.

Original poster
Chromeal · 01/07/2025 17:14

Thanks everyone who’s replied so far, really appreciate the perspective.

To answer a few questions – I did ask if she’d consider using Elliot as a middle name instead but she shut that down straight away. Said she already has a middle name planned but wouldn’t tell me what it is, just said it’s “sorted”. So basically feels like it’s a done deal and I’m not meant to have any say or even feelings about it.

She also accused me of being a hypocrite because Elliot’s middle name is actually my youngest’s first name. That wasn’t really a planned thing, me and their dad just couldn’t agree on another boys name at the time and sort of landed on it by default. I do get how that might seem unfair to her, but I also don’t think it’s the same situation at all.

She doesn’t have a boyfriend, the baby’s dad isn’t involved as far as I know and I honestly don’t think he will be. She’ll be living here with me and her younger brother once the baby’s born. She hasn’t had any contact with her dad (my ex) for a few years now, completely her choice. Youngest still sees him but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. He was always firmer with her and she didn’t like that one bit. She always preferred to come to me when she wanted something and I usually gave in, which I know hasn’t helped long term.

I just feel like I’m being put in this impossible position. She’s under my roof, she’s still very young herself, I’m going to be helping with this baby, and now I have to try and separate the grief of losing one child with the day to day of helping raise another with the same name? It feels a bit cruel, honestly.

Still not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Mauvehoodie · 01/07/2025 17:14

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

I think you are not being unreasonable at all. It sounds an incredibly hard situation. Is there anyone else who can talk this through with her? Her Dad or a grandparent or other family member? It sounds like, partly because of your relationship and how raw the situation will be for you, she won't "hear it" from you. I agree with the approach that the baby deserves his own name that isn't associated with such a sad loss and suggesting Elliot as a middle name (it's such a beautiful name).

Is she very far along in her pregnancy and do you think she'd be likely to change her mind?

Not2identifying · 01/07/2025 17:14

123ZYX · 01/07/2025 16:43

At 18 years old, I assume she intends to live with you? I would be making it clear that if she can’t respect your feelings enough to use your sons name as a middle name, you won’t be able to have her living with you. If she’s decided she’s independent enough to name her child without considering you, she is independent enough to house herself.

Admittedly, I might not follow through with that, but as the mum of a stillborn baby, I can imagine the pain of living with that constant reminder and I’m not sure I could handle it,

I was thinking this too.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 01/07/2025 17:13

Oh god OP. This is so selfish of her. We lost a family member very young and another family member named their first child after him. The lost child was a close relative of mine but I wasn't his mum.

His mum gave permission for the name to be used but I struggled massively with actually using the name for the new child for years. Still do to an extent - I always feel the need to clarify which "Xname" I'm referring to and I know my late relative's mum also struggles with it.

AmyDudley · 01/07/2025 17:13

I'm so sorry for what you have been through in life, I can't imagine how incredibly hard it must have been for you, and of course your feelings about your beloved DS and the use of his name are completely valid.

I wonder if somewhere your DD has always carried a kind of survivors guilt, to be the one who survived the illness that took your dear son must be a difficult thing for her to process, perhaps the desire to use his name is her way of trying to cope with those feelings. I speak as someone who lost a brother at a young age.

I think in your shoes I would try to find a quiet moment when she is being less combative and tell her that the name has such deep connotations for you that it would cause you pain to hear it, you understad her desire to remember her brother but she can do that by using Elliot as a middle name, and her child can have a name to make his own. It is a big ask to use a child as a kind of memorial because it places a burden of expectation on them instead of letting them blossom as an individual.

Tiswa · 01/07/2025 17:10

TY78910 · 01/07/2025 16:47

This is so horrible, an impossible situation. Your feelings are valid, but so are hers. I don’t necessarily agree with the posters who say that it’s her immaturity shining through and it’s to do with her age. I have to say, it was Her brother, as much as it was your son, and even though she wouldn’t remember him because of how little they both were, She may feel a sense of guilt that although they had the same illness, it was him that passed and not her (As morbid as it sounds). I totally hear where you’re coming from in terms of your grandson being a constant reminder of the turmoil you’ve been in, but it could also be how she handles her own grief And Who to say whose grief is more important?

I do agree, it warrants another conversation and maybe a suggestion that it could be a middle name once the emotion settle, But ultimately, try to also see where she is coming from.

I agree I think perhaps recognising the impact he has had on her life. How being the one who lived when he died and being the one after him has had an effect on her.
She may not have met him but I suspect she feels she knows him in a way that is different to you and I think respecting that is a good starting point.

CatsArePeople · 01/07/2025 17:10

How about suggesting a similar sounding name? Elijah? Elias? Ellis?

whistlesandbells · 01/07/2025 17:07

Can you add a little more detail about her expectations of you when her baby is born? Where will they live and what role will you have? Will you be providing childcare OP?

ohtowinthelottery · 01/07/2025 17:06

Do you think she feels that she lived her childhood in the shadow of her dead brother and that she maybe thinks she somehow lost part of her early childhood due to you and her dad grieving the loss of Elliot and this is a way of her getting at you?
I mean that in the nicest possible way, not as a criticism of how you coped or dealt with it at all. (I've also lost a child).

I think it's lovely if she really feels she wants to honour her brother but as others have suggested, using Elliot as a middle name does that whilst also allowing her child to grow up without the sad memories attached to the name on a daily basis.

Undecided01 · 01/07/2025 17:06

I would be really
enthusiastic, and then she will probably change it!

VirginaGirl · 01/07/2025 17:05

OP, I am so sorry. You went through Hell.

Becoming a mum may very well (as they say) be the making of her.

As for her choice of name, you have told her how you feel. I doubt that repeating it will make any difference. I expect that, maybe in time, the name will bring new meaning.

I wish you all so much happiness.❤

thepariscrimefiles · 01/07/2025 17:04

SummerFrog25 · 01/07/2025 16:34

OMG I am SO sorry about Elliot ❤️‍🩹 then having it with DD too. That's a lot to deal with. No parent should have to go through that xx

It's completely understandable you were 'soft' with DD & her younger brother. Totally understandable. It's unfortunate that it may have contributed to DD being the way she is. But you did what you needed to at the time & you shouldn't beat yourself up for that 🤗

How are you coping with her being pregnant at 18 & what's the plan?

As for calling the baby Elliot, just NO. She's not 'honouring' her brother by causing you this much pain. Be blunt (time to stop being so soft) tell her what you wrote here about how it makes you feel. I'm not dismissing her loss, but she was 9 months old, she didn't go through what you did. She has NO right to do this & expect you to be ok with it. NONE.

big love xx

OP needs to explain why it is so upsetting for her, she can suggest using Elliot as a middle name but if her daughter refuses, OP can't just say NO because it isn't her baby.

Her daughter lost her brother soon after her birth and she then had to go through cancer treatment herself as a two year old. Her life has been filled with trauma and its impact can't be ignored.

The worse things that can happen to a parent have happened to OP and her daughter's announcement of her baby's name has knocked her for six. Hopefully, her daughter will understand why her mum is so upset, but she still might insist on using her late brother's name. It may end their relationship but it is still her daughter's decision to make.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2025 16:59

She's being very insensitive. Where is she going to live after she has the baby? She's not expecting you to provide childcare is she?

MrsRandy · 01/07/2025 16:59

MaraB77 · 01/07/2025 16:55

Aside from everything else, I think it's not good for a child to be named after one who died so young. The new baby needs and deserves his own identity. Would she consider changing the name for her own childs sake?

I think most people would reasonably do this, but trying to tell a pregnant 18 year old to be reasonable is not easy. I feel for OP

WaltzingWaters · 01/07/2025 16:59

I agree that writing a letter to her is a good idea. Avoid the confrontation and let her read it calmly and try to understand.
And yes, if she is living with you when she has the baby (which I assume is a big possibility given her age), then she has even more reason to consider your feelings on the matter.

I’m so sorry for all the loss of your son.

ForFunGoose · 01/07/2025 16:58

Horserider5678 · 01/07/2025 16:48

My brother’s son is named after my brother who died shortly after birth! My DM was over the moon that they chose to remember my elder brother in the way they did!

Show quote history

Did you read that the OP doesn’t feel this way!
🙄

underthecovers · 01/07/2025 16:56

I'm so, so sorry about the loss of Elliot.

My mother has very, very rarely "interfered" in our child raising - she has mentioned later on she doubted some of the things we did, e.g. blw she was horrified by until she saw how well DS ate compared to her friends grandkids.

The only thing she has ever been insistent about was not naming any of her grandchildren after my deceased brother. DS1 has my brothers middle name as his middle name. But it's also my father and grandfathers middle names.

I'd echo others to try the conversation at another time, or write to her. I hope you can show her the wounds this would reopen, and that not all remberance needs to be public.

myplace · 01/07/2025 16:56

Could her dad, grandparents or the new baby’s dad talk to her about it? Explain how much you want to love the baby without bad memories overwhelming you. That even hearing the name fills you with dread and leaves you feeling sick and shaky?

At 18 she may lack the imagination to understand what a trauma the treatment was, let alone losing Elliot.

Your grief and feelings are perfectly reasonable. Nonetheless It may be worth looking for some bereavement counselling to help you process the remnants of the trauma, and give you a fresh start with this baby.

MyLittleNest · 01/07/2025 16:56

First off, my hearts goes out to you for all you went through and lost. Of course the name Elliot is special and sacred to you. And most people in your position would be pretty soft on their remaining children.

Your DD seems to lack empathy, and I don't think that her name choice has much to do with honoring her brother since she has no memory of him, only what you shared as his mother. Her response to you telling her how her decision makes you feel underscores her complete unwillingness to consider your feelings. Yes, she is 18 and therefore extremely immature, but this is really very callous.

I'd tell her that using Elliot as a middle name would be an appropriate way of honoring her brother's memory, but using that name as a first name would be directly hurtful to you.