To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

So sorry to hear about your loss OP. Can you try to explain to her like you have to us here? Shes being an unempathetic teen, so I don’t think asking gently for her not to use it will work.
I realise it’s not the same but I lost my daughter who was still born. Her name was usual and I still feel triggered when I hear it, so you are DNBU to feel like you do.
If she goes ahead anyway, can you try some sort of nickname?
I hope you find a way through this.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down

Could you stop trying to be so gentle and try to ignore the childish eye rolling… Show her your real emotions, it’s not about ‘offending’ me, it’s about hurting me! DO YOU CARE ABOUT THAT?

If not, why not?

I cried reading this thread. @Chromeal I'm so sorry about what happened to your DS

I’m so sorry for your loss and this situation op. All you can do is try and explain how you feel. Hopefully your daughter will be understanding and either use the name as a middle name or not at all. I can’t imagine her refusing when she truly understands the implications for you if she goes ahead regardless.

@NewblackdressYou make a good point , re. her experience.

I’m so sorry to hear about all of this (aside from grandchild on the way 💕) I’m in a different position because I was the sister of a baby who died, like your daughter. Had I had a son I wanted to use my baby brothers name as a middle name, I didn’t have a son so no problem. My sister did and used our brothers middle name as a middle name for her child which I thought was also good. Had my parents indicated any resistance we wouldn’t have used his names, I’m sure. But we were both 30 when we became pregnant, which I think makes a difference.

I just wondered whether it might be worth writing a physical letter or card to her? You explain it so beautifully here and if you described the strong associations and memories maybe she would think again? I think Elliot is a great name, in my mind Eli is also lovely and kind of similar…just a thought, anyway just might be worth a try. So sorry for your loss. Sending ♥️

Still not sure what to do.
I'm so sorry OP, it is an agonising situation, and you can't stop your DD choosing that name if she wants to.
It is terribly painful for you, but I wonder if DD is trying to let you know how painful it was for her losing her brother at such a young age. She wouldn't have had words for her experience, but she would have been aware of the huge change in you and her dad and the other adults that she relied on. It's hard for a parent to be fully available to their children when they are polaxed by grief, and your DD would likely have been scared and lonely. One route to go down is to talk to DD about how you remember her responding during that terrible time and what you tried to do to help her, rather than pressing her to understand your experience now.

Just commenting to say I know an Elliot whose mum used to call him Ellie as a nickname when he was little. Maybe it could help you differentiate between your son and grandson to use a nickname or pet name?
I am sorry for your loss. I don't think it's wrong for your daughter to want to name her child after her brother and it's also not wrong for you to find it upsetting.x

Sorry For Your Loss 😢

I wonder it is worth showing your daughter what you have written here. You have written it so beautifully and so eloquently. It made me cry. I wouldn’t link her to the thread but maybe put it on a piece of paper and say it’s what you said when you asked a friend? I think maybe she will understand more if she reads your words.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You have been through hell and it’s amazing you are still standing

No she didn’t live through it @Chromeal she lived through the aftermath of it with parents who were broken and by all accounts a father who withdrew.

the fact she actually loves the idea of her beother enough to honour him actually is quite beautiful in a way that through it all she cares about the idea of him is something to be proud of

Lots of good advice here OP. I just came to say that your story has been a vey hard one. You are a warrior and wishing you lots of strength in your journey as a grandmother. I'm sure it won't be easy but hopefully it will often be rewarding ✨️

OP, I wouldn't attempt a conversation but I would try writing a letter / email. That way she can't be offensive to your face and you will have said your piece.
I do understand why she wants to name him after he4 brother and indeed this baby might be a big part of the healing process for her. You might have to accept that what us good fir your daughter us not good for you in this instance.

I feel for you.i am so sorry about your Son.i would feel the same way.gently though.He was her brother and she probably feels very sad even though she was a baby when he died.She may feel this is how she wants to remember him.obviously try to talk to her again .but if she won't listen you.dont want to fall out with her. 0

Sending you love. I hope she can be persuaded to take your feelings into account. xx

Your post is raw and heartfelt and totally understandable.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling Elliott, the pain of losing a child will never heal.

i think you should write DD a letter, with the points you’ve made in your post.

💐

I know it’s not her fault she survived and he didn’t, and I don’t blame her for existing or for having a baby or wanting to honour her brother. But it’s still hard. She didn’t live through those years the way I did. She didn’t sit in those wards or watch him fade away.

Of course she didn't. She was a child. Are you sure she knows you don't blame her for for being here when he isn't?

This is obviously difficult. But possibly it's better if your daughter moves out and starts her own life. There seems a lot to unpack here.

Have you been through the trauma of losing a child? I don’t think its in any way comparable to a baby losing their older sibling.

My second baby was stillborn, and I went on to have two more children. When my eldest had her first baby, she asked to use our son's name as a middle name so it was her way of remembering him. We'd chosen his name originally as it was both of our grandfathers' name. I loved that she did that, but more importantly, she asked me first in private if it was OK or would I find it upsetting.
It would have been too hard had she asked to use it as a first name.

I’m so sorry about your loss and about your situation.

but what I also see is that she expects to live with you, presumably you financially supporting her and you looking after the baby and she is still treating you poorly and possibly even bullying or abusing you when she will essentially be dependent on your support.

has she even asked your opinion in keeping the baby, or your opinion on living with you and you supporting her? Or just presented you with the fact?

No, you’re not being unreasonable. That name holds a whole world of pain and memory for you, and it’s completely valid to feel blindsided and hurt. It might feel like honouring to her, but it’s not her grief to carry the way it is yours. You’re allowed to have boundaries around something so personal — especially when it’s clear she hasn’t really considered your feelings. Doesn’t mean you’ll stop loving your grandchild, but you don’t have to be okay with the name. Honestly, it’s okay to tell her you need time to process it. This is heavy.

That is how you feel.
OP doesnt though and her daughter should listen and respect it.
It is pretty much THE most traumatic thing a parent can go through. DD never even knew her brother

I am not saying OP can dictate but the way her DD is handling this is so selfish

My niece is named after our dead sister. We as a family love that our deceased sister's name and memory is brought back by our niece. Another sister is also named after our dead sister using the Irish version of the name. That was our parents decision. To me it's a lovely way to honour the dead (we're not religious) . It doesn't take anything away from the raw sadness of our sister's death.

I think your daughter is doing a loving thing. It is a sad fact of your families tale, even if your daughter doesn't remember. She will feel the loss as part of your family history.

So sorry for your loss xx

I think the way you have worded it in this post and how it makes you feel is a perfect way to explain to her what an impact it wold have on you.

can you write her a letter maybe?

100% agree, there is trauma here for both OP and DD. x