Too long for a 7 year old?

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 2025-07-01T11:30:36+00:00

NCed for this, as don't want it linked to other posts. Changed a couple of details, as people I know are on MN. So, this Summer's plan has been for my DC aged 7 and 8 to spend some time with their father (my ex) in his European country with his side of the family. Really pleased for my DC to have this opportunity, as they haven't seen their European family for knocking on 3 years. My parents are dead and I don't see my sibling, so it's great he has such a large, close-knit family. Originally agreed on 10-12 days. Felt this was long enough, as they see him one weekend a month, when he travels to our area of England to see them. For context, both have mild to moderate SEN. He texted me this morning to say he is booking tickets this week and gave me new dates, which mean he 'intends' to take them for 3 weeks. I haven't replied yet. I think it's too long. They've never been with him that long (maximum was 10 days 3 years ago, during which time I had major surgery, so it was a blessing they were away). On the plus side, I trust his female relatives and know they would love and look after DC (my ex doesn't really parent: he's just fun/permissive/not really the best role model) and I'm sure it will mainly be amazing for DC. However, with SEN in the mix - and them being around family who really don't know them - AIBU to think 3 weeks is too long. (And, yes, selfishly, I'll miss them and don't want them away for half the holidays). AIBU - 3 weeks is fine AINBU - Stick to around 2 weeks

Usernumber12356 · 01/07/2025 21:26

His family don't speak English

Can the kids speak his language?

Honon · 01/07/2025 21:20

I think it's fine. In the area where I live there are many eastern European families and this scenario is very common. My daughter's best friend is going to spend the entire summer holiday with her father in his home country, and she rarely sees him otherwise. They are 6.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/07/2025 21:13

I would feel it too long. It’s a really long time at their ages. 2 weeks max.

just my opinion with an 11 and 13yo asd dd who have not had more than a weekend without me. They struggle with holidays anyway and without mum they would find it so hard, especially the 11yo. Dh and I are together- but they are much more attached to me.

RawBloomers · 01/07/2025 21:05

Then SEN, it sounds like, will make problems more likely but not inevitable, so having a back up plan should ameliorate that concern reasonably well.

However, given everything you say about the extent to which you have to facilitate your ex’s contact - generally and for this holiday (the spending & food money and, it sounds like, having a resourced back up plan) - you would not be unreasonable to insist on the original time frame.

But if you want your DC to have the best relationship with his family they stand the best chance of that from the longer time with them. I don’t think that has to be your priority, but if it is you should probably let them go with a back up plan in place.

Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 16:42

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 01/07/2025 16:35

He’s their parent too.

Yep, wasn't questioning his paternity!
Just gathering views from others with the given context of him only seeing them 1 weekend a month.
But, most people seem to think 3 weeks is okay, so we'll likely proceed with that.

OP posts:

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 01/07/2025 16:35

He’s their parent too.

Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 16:31

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 15:50

I understand your frustration that he moved and now sharing custody has become more complicated and requires more effort (and mostly yours by the sound of things).

But, ultimately, you have to just put aside your feelings and ask yourself what is best for the children and, absent any specific example of why they can’t go for 3 weeks but could go for 2 weeks, it’s probably better that they go and spend quality time with their dad and his extended family to make sure they keep those connections maintained.

Obviously it sucks (I am without my children for a week this summer - 5 and 1 - and I find the thought totally heart wrenching for only one week and I know they’ll miss me and ask for me and maybe get a bit homesick) but I think ultimately they’ll never get used to how things will go in future with a dad living far away so unable to just pop in unless you try.

Worst happens you could always fly out to see them halfway through

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I agree re: the need to put my own feelings aside, which is what I tend to do.
Good to bounce ideas around on MN, as ran it by a couple of friends and they both said 2 weeks with him is too long, but I suspect that's because none of my friends who actually know him think much of him!

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SpanThatWorld · 01/07/2025 15:57

As a child i used to spend the whole 6 week summer holiday with my extended family. My dad would pick me up from school, take me to his mum's and leave me there until the day before school started again.

I absolutely loved it and it made me very close to family who lived elsewhere.

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 15:50

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:21

I have never placed limits on how long he spends with them; it's been me over the years reaching out, maintaining links and ensuring he keeps in touch with them.
Was trying to avoid a drip feed/too much info, but he chose to move near London and his base is there, although he visits his home country regularly. He has been England since the late 90s.
I'm sure he does miss them, but he chose to move 4 hours away.
That they have a good relationship is on my efforts, not his.
🤷🏼‍♀️

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I understand your frustration that he moved and now sharing custody has become more complicated and requires more effort (and mostly yours by the sound of things).

But, ultimately, you have to just put aside your feelings and ask yourself what is best for the children and, absent any specific example of why they can’t go for 3 weeks but could go for 2 weeks, it’s probably better that they go and spend quality time with their dad and his extended family to make sure they keep those connections maintained.

Obviously it sucks (I am without my children for a week this summer - 5 and 1 - and I find the thought totally heart wrenching for only one week and I know they’ll miss me and ask for me and maybe get a bit homesick) but I think ultimately they’ll never get used to how things will go in future with a dad living far away so unable to just pop in unless you try.

Worst happens you could always fly out to see them halfway through

Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:36

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 14:06

But that’s their dad and he lives in another country! I would be careful not to place too many limits on their time with him to ensure he has equal opportunity to foster a good relationship with him.

It’s tough and you’ll miss them but I think you should try and make sure that they get a good amount of time with their dad in the summer when you get the long holidays. If you miss them when they’re away for three weeks, imagine how he feels being away from them most of the time.

Sorry, I've just realised I didn't actually mention him living near London in my first post, so sorry for the confusion!

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Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:21

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 14:06

But that’s their dad and he lives in another country! I would be careful not to place too many limits on their time with him to ensure he has equal opportunity to foster a good relationship with him.

It’s tough and you’ll miss them but I think you should try and make sure that they get a good amount of time with their dad in the summer when you get the long holidays. If you miss them when they’re away for three weeks, imagine how he feels being away from them most of the time.

I have never placed limits on how long he spends with them; it's been me over the years reaching out, maintaining links and ensuring he keeps in touch with them.
Was trying to avoid a drip feed/too much info, but he chose to move near London and his base is there, although he visits his home country regularly. He has been England since the late 90s.
I'm sure he does miss them, but he chose to move 4 hours away.
That they have a good relationship is on my efforts, not his.
🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 14:06

But that’s their dad and he lives in another country! I would be careful not to place too many limits on their time with him to ensure he has equal opportunity to foster a good relationship with him.

It’s tough and you’ll miss them but I think you should try and make sure that they get a good amount of time with their dad in the summer when you get the long holidays. If you miss them when they’re away for three weeks, imagine how he feels being away from them most of the time.

Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:05

FortySheep · 01/07/2025 13:48

3 weeks seems quite long if they only see him one weekend a month normally. Have they been away with him for longer periods before?

Also why are you the one sending money for food contributions rather than their dad?

And, sending money/contributing because their Dad is such a freeloader.
I know they're not my family, but I just thing it's the right thing to do.

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Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:03

FortySheep · 01/07/2025 13:48

3 weeks seems quite long if they only see him one weekend a month normally. Have they been away with him for longer periods before?

Also why are you the one sending money for food contributions rather than their dad?

The longest was, I think, 12 days, 3 years ago. It was only that long as I had an op.

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FortySheep · 01/07/2025 13:48

3 weeks seems quite long if they only see him one weekend a month normally. Have they been away with him for longer periods before?

Also why are you the one sending money for food contributions rather than their dad?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/07/2025 13:44

titchy · 01/07/2025 13:42

Do you have ASD?

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Yes, actually.

titchy · 01/07/2025 13:42

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/07/2025 13:39

I think three weeks is fine. I used to go overseas regularly to see grandparents for 3-4 weeks at a time without my dad. Of course I missed him, but it was fine.

Do you have ASD?

titchy · 01/07/2025 13:42

Do they speak their family’s language? If not will their father be around them 24/7 to translate?

I agree 3 weeks does sound too much given even one weekend disregulates them.

ThunderSnacks · 01/07/2025 13:39

Is it a nice area? Any chance you could go out for the last week and have a bit of a holiday/ease the transition back?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/07/2025 13:39

I think three weeks is fine. I used to go overseas regularly to see grandparents for 3-4 weeks at a time without my dad. Of course I missed him, but it was fine.

cadburyegg · 01/07/2025 13:38

My children are 10 and 7 and I wouldn’t be happy with them spending 3 weeks away from me in another country. Likewise, I wouldn’t expect their dad to go 3 weeks without seeing them either so I wouldn’t take them away for that long. 2 weeks maximum is more than reasonable.

Original poster

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 13:36

Both DC have Autism and ADHD. Mild to moderate support needs at home. Moderate support socially and in school. One had SpLD.
Ex isn't great about discussing things. Refused mediation etc in the past.
There's absolutely no way he'd pay for them to come home early. His Mummy and older sister are paying for all flights and accommodation (I'm sending them with spending money and sending his younger sister money to contribute towards food).
They absolutely love their Dad, so I'm sure they'll have a great time.
They will miss me loads, as we are a close unit, generally just being the 3 of us, and usually come home after short stays with him (a few times a year, he might have them for 3 or 4 days at his flat near London) totally dysregulated and behaving deplorably, BUT I guess the main thing is that they DO see him and have a relationship with him.
His family don't speak English, but I can use Google Translate and get in touch with the one sibling who was always the most welcoming.
I'm still torn, but hearing others' perspectives is helpful.

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Itcantbetrue · 01/07/2025 13:27

2 maximum

Usually dc want their mum I loved my dad he was totally proficient as well and a brilliant cook but I missed her when she went away

ForFunGoose · 01/07/2025 13:13

I would let them go with the understanding if they wanted to come home early ex-h would book them flights home sooner.

alcoholnightmare · 01/07/2025 13:13

Why don’t you reply and discuss it with him? “Oh, I thought you were wanting 12 days? I’m happy to compromise obviously, but I wonder if 3 weeks would be too long for them just now? Could we do 10-12 this year, and 3 weeks next year all being well”?