Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that “posh” isn’t a compliment

81 replies

DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:05

I might be alone here but some members of my family have a habit of calling anything nice/new “a bit posh”.
I can’t help but take offence a bit, as it always sounds a bit snide and not a genuine compliment.
Eg. New stair carpet…Could say “oh I like your new stair carpet” but no they say “oh new stair carpet? Very posh.”
eg. Decorated DS bedroom. Could say “your new room looks great!” But no they say “oh your new room is a bit posh isn’t it”

It’s almost like I can hear a little eye-roll with it. Like they are acknowledging that yes it’s a nice new thing but kind of disapproving of it?? Why can’t they just say something is nice.

Without trying to be ageist all the family members who do this are 60+. Is it a generational thing? The way they talk about something being “posh” generally tends to be quite or disapproving.. “did you see Julie down the road in her new car, bit posh isn’t it, tut tut”

It’s also not jealousy, they have plenty of money and could get new stair carpet every week if they wished.

aibu to wish they could just say oh that’s a nice lampshade and not ooooh it’s a bit posh in here now with that lampshade

  • edit to add the lampshade isn’t posh! It’s from Asda!
OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 01/07/2025 11:58

I do this occasionally usually ribbing people or just meaning it is nice or looks "fancy" I definitely don't use it as an insult.

Original poster
DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:56

Daisydoesnt · 01/07/2025 11:45

“My MIL does this . It is rude , even DH gets fed up with it . Its a form of inverse snobbery and a bit of martyrdom thrown in”

(sorry have never quite worked out how to quote properly)

We all have very different feelings around and attitudes to money. Some people - often older generations, brought up after the war- have feelings of guilt around spending money. So something that we might view as nice but not out of the ordinary (such as a new stair carpet) is seen as an extravagance,or somehow morally dubious (“fancy” “posh”). They most likely don’t even know they are doing it. There’s often a gender dynamic too, with it being worse if the so-thought extravagant spending is by a woman rather than a man. Try not to mind too much OP ♥️

I agree this feels like an older generation money-guilt issue and I’m trying to understand it in this way in order to be more forgiving BUT it seems it only applies to others or to very specific extravagances that they do or do not approve of. So it’s really just judgement of others choices, which can’t be attributed to generation.
Julie has been extravagant by splashing out on a posh new car. I have frivolous posh lampshades. My new TV is a bit posh.
In my 3 bed terrace. But they can live in a 4 bed detached house and run 2 cars but that’s ok because their TV is older than mine and their lampshades aren’t new, so they aren’t “posh”

OP posts:
Wayetblue · 01/07/2025 11:53

I think you're probably right. They could have all these nice things if they wanted but they see it as a bit frivolous or ostentatious.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 01/07/2025 11:53

I don’t mind it, I can see why it could be a bit of an insult but I use it to mean it’s really nice. Clotted cream with a scone rather than butter is “posh” to me. Just a bit better/ nicer than average.

grumpygrape · 01/07/2025 11:53

Oh, heavens yes, the dreaded 'Someone's doing alright for themselves'

FuzzyPuffling · 01/07/2025 11:53

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/07/2025 11:42

Originally yes.

Show quote history

Nope, just a myth.

Original poster
DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:52

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 01/07/2025 11:41

My mum does this too... I like to have flowers in the bathroom and her comment was "ooo, flowers in the bathroom, very pow-shh"

It's a bit like "well someones doing ok for themselves" because you bought a doormat / bread bin / new table cloth.

Edited

Yes and then I think why can’t you just seem happy that I’m “doing ok for myself” enough to have some nice bloody flowers?!
These family members are sitting on pots of money but seem to be resentful anytime I make a nice addition to my house!
I do get it with flowers too. Ooh they’re posh flowers aren’t they. 🙄

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 01/07/2025 11:51

"Without trying to be ageist"....
Well you managed it.

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/07/2025 11:47

I agree OP.

It reminds me of the nasty clichéd response to anyone saying they're going on holiday: "It's alright for some!"

Daisydoesnt · 01/07/2025 11:45

“My MIL does this . It is rude , even DH gets fed up with it . Its a form of inverse snobbery and a bit of martyrdom thrown in”

(sorry have never quite worked out how to quote properly)

We all have very different feelings around and attitudes to money. Some people - often older generations, brought up after the war- have feelings of guilt around spending money. So something that we might view as nice but not out of the ordinary (such as a new stair carpet) is seen as an extravagance,or somehow morally dubious (“fancy” “posh”). They most likely don’t even know they are doing it. There’s often a gender dynamic too, with it being worse if the so-thought extravagant spending is by a woman rather than a man. Try not to mind too much OP ♥️

Ineedanewsofa · 01/07/2025 11:45

My mum used to do this with a specific tone - it meant that she thought my purchase was frivolous and/or unnecessary and that I should have bought the bargain basement version/saved that money instead. It also carried a vague whiff of ‘ideas above our station’ (a phrase she has definitely used!)
It was very annoying but I ignored her, carried on buying the things I like and now I’m over 40(!) she has stopped.

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/07/2025 11:42

CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 01/07/2025 11:41

Does it just mean port out starboard home

Originally yes.

mangoglow · 01/07/2025 11:42

Sounds like an habitual turn of phrase rather than a veiled put down. I knew someone who took offense at a neighbour calling everything wee, I like your wee dress, I like your wee bag and saw it as a way of diminishing anything she got. However this neighbour also referred to all her own stuff as wee, do like my wee car I just got, come in and see my wee kitchen etc. At worst it was an irritating verbal habit but nothing malicious.

OP just let it was over you, ignore it. If someone is out to make a dig at you and wind you up if they aren't getting a rise out of you they will up the ante and let you know.

CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 01/07/2025 11:41

Does it just mean port out starboard home

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 01/07/2025 11:41

My mum does this too... I like to have flowers in the bathroom and her comment was "ooo, flowers in the bathroom, very pow-shh"

It's a bit like "well someones doing ok for themselves" because you bought a doormat / bread bin / new table cloth.

LadyChillT · 01/07/2025 11:38

sounds like it's the tone they're using rather than the word

TonTonMacoute · 01/07/2025 11:37

It sounds like the problem is with your relatives, not the word posh.

I guess there are just some people who can't enjoy others trying to smarten up their space - even if it's only from Asda!

RosesAndHellebores · 01/07/2025 11:36

MIL does it. She's 89, I'm 65. I am also from an upper middle class background. She revels in the snide, sometimes with a side of "that's very extravagant" or "your sort of people". DH has been known to say "mum, give it a rest". She's chippy.

35 years in I no longer pay it any attention.

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 11:34

It can be a compliment or a criticism - totally depends on the context, and your knowledge of the views, habits etc of the person who says it 😀

Blondiney · 01/07/2025 11:32

Yeah, I sense the snide eye roll thing too. Not my favourite ‘compliment’

grumpygrape · 01/07/2025 11:31

It could be they aren't aware of the origin of posh and just use it instead of, say, smart.

On the other hand.... Only you know them 😉

Original poster
DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:30

Oh and they never say it to my husband. His new watch is lovely. His shirt is very smart.
My stuff, or what feel like female things in their eyes, like a carpet or a lampshade, that I’ve obviously chosen, well they’re “a bit posh”

OP posts:
Original poster
DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:28

Eldermileniummam · 01/07/2025 11:22

I know what you mean OP but don't think it's that deep

I do hope so! This is why I wondered if it was a generational thing, is posh a compliment to them but not to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:27

Marmaladelover · 01/07/2025 11:24

My MIL does this . It is rude , even DH gets fed up with it . Its a form of inverse snobbery and a bit of martyrdom thrown in .

Thank you!! Perfectly articulated 💯 that is exactly how it feels.

It is like having anything new or nice is a bad thing somehow and they can’t just pay a compliment without it being this backhanded comment about it.
Meanwhile they can have new nice things any time they want! We’ve scraped money together for a bit of carpet and it’s being spoken about like it’s a solid gold staircase that I’ve insisted on because I’m the queen in my posh castle.

OP posts:
Original poster
DownsideUpside · 01/07/2025 11:25

PollyBell · 01/07/2025 11:22

I cant feel the need to get that worked up about it to be perfectly honest

Perhaps you would after years like me. It’s just disheartening. Can’t have anything new or nice without being accused of poshness. Like I think I’m posh because I have stair carpet? It’s just such a weird phrasing.

OP posts: