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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH may have done this with a bit too much aggression?

165 replies

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 08:58

We were playing a competitive game. I ended up in A and E and can’t walk. No a proper break but it’s really sore, it’s an ‘avulsion fracture’. It was definitely excessive force on his part.

I laughed it off, but another member of the team was quite shocked (although sort of joking). And described DH’s action as vile!
DH is often passive aggressive towards me.
He has made up somewhat with tea, dinner made etc - but this morning it’s back to being pretty rude, mumbling, complaining while I’m hobbling about. He has got to work plus sort out the kids, so I can see it’s frustrating.

OP posts:
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ScreamingBeans · 07/07/2025 22:00

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/07/2025 17:02

this is a bonkers take.

i've played/coached football for 40+ years.

i've ALWAYS known who i was playing against.

at no point during the many, many times i've played against children/girls/women/grandparents have i ever not been aware of that fact, or briefly forgotten and tackled someone with the same force/aggression that i would against people of my own age/size/ability.

anyone who is capable of losing control in that situation is capable of losing control in any situation.

my guess is that OP's DH felt he wanted to assert his dominance a bit (ridiculous, and probably indicative of some other resentment), and is now likely embarrassed, and is doubling down instead of admitting to himself that he misjudged the situation so badly.

none of which makes him any less of a knob.

and makes me suspect he's probably quite often a bit of a knob about quite a lot of things.

Show quote history

He didn't lose control.

This is him controlling.

Whattodo1610 · 02/07/2025 11:03

Following your update, I’d be re-evaluating my relationship.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/07/2025 08:28

CatandaTiddle · 02/07/2025 05:28

Thank you everyone, I am trying to process it all. It was actually pretty horrible yesterday. I was constantly having to remind on times for school runs/bedtime etc (DH has really poor time keeping and refuses to address this). He put a 6 year old to bed at 9.30pm on Monday, and then other DC had two jobs to do yesterday which were being refused. DH just wasn’t bothered so I had to deal with ensuring the jobs were done and the resentment from him. I later pointed out that I felt his tackle was too aggressive and of course this didn’t go down well. I also said his response that I should ‘just walk on it’ with no real sympathy/remorse was upsetting.
This thread has made me realise that he never says sorry or has shown remorse for anything. That’s why this will never change because he never thinks he is wrong so he will never try and change. He also doesn’t readily the words ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ - which I’ve always found odd, that I’ve had to prompt in restaurants etc.

I don’t want him around today. He usually spends all his time at work but it’s easier if he is there.
I don’t know how I’ll manage, but I’ll recover better without him around.

Could you go and stay somewhere else while you recover? Do you have parents that would let you stay and help you? He would then have a taste of juggling work and childcare, and you wouldn't be around to worry about how badly he is doing it.

He sounds totally lacking in empathy as well as manners. What sort of adult doesn't say please and thank you?

Longer term, I would make plans to separate. He sounds like a dreadful husband and father.

Original poster
CatandaTiddle · 02/07/2025 05:28

Thank you everyone, I am trying to process it all. It was actually pretty horrible yesterday. I was constantly having to remind on times for school runs/bedtime etc (DH has really poor time keeping and refuses to address this). He put a 6 year old to bed at 9.30pm on Monday, and then other DC had two jobs to do yesterday which were being refused. DH just wasn’t bothered so I had to deal with ensuring the jobs were done and the resentment from him. I later pointed out that I felt his tackle was too aggressive and of course this didn’t go down well. I also said his response that I should ‘just walk on it’ with no real sympathy/remorse was upsetting.
This thread has made me realise that he never says sorry or has shown remorse for anything. That’s why this will never change because he never thinks he is wrong so he will never try and change. He also doesn’t readily the words ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ - which I’ve always found odd, that I’ve had to prompt in restaurants etc.

I don’t want him around today. He usually spends all his time at work but it’s easier if he is there.
I don’t know how I’ll manage, but I’ll recover better without him around.

OP posts:
SunnyViper · 01/07/2025 23:17

What an utter twat. LTB territory.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2025 22:02

thischarmimgwoman · 01/07/2025 14:01

This is why men and women should not be playing the same contact sport at the same time.

This is why some men shouldn't be abusive bully's to their wives.

BogRollBOGOF · 01/07/2025 21:46

His reaction to this is deeply concerning, as is yours. Even if he wasn't involved in causing the injury, he should be getting on with pulling his weight in family life without having the hump about it. If it was a genuine accident by a loving husband he'd be mortified and desperate to redeem himself. He has no respect for you.

It was not a competitive game, it was a mixed, friendly kick-about and should have been played with care. The friend's reaction was telling that it wasn't an unlucky accident.

OP you seem very well trained at passively accepting his shitty attitude towards you. At best, you are an object of convenience to him. At worst he is abusive and upping his game and seeing what he can get away with.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 01/07/2025 18:12

ProudMaker · 01/07/2025 11:35

An avulsion fracture IS a proper fracture.

And very painful

JackieWilsonsaiditstimeforbedlittleone · 01/07/2025 18:07

yakkity · 01/07/2025 13:00

If two people are going at speed and smash into each other (or in this case their feet do) it’s not exactly one persons fault.

Show quote history

There were also children playing, and no he wouldn’t have tackled a child like this.

‘He wouldn’t have tackled a child like this’

It is one person’s fault. He wouldn’t have used the same force on a child so as not to hurt them because hurting a child is wrong.
He hurt his wife, he put her in hospital and he’s not even sorry.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/07/2025 17:02

NC28 · 01/07/2025 09:42

OP, football is a contact sport and injuries happen very often, especially if you were wearing normal trainers, no shin pads etc. I think many of the posters here have clearly never trained or played football in their life.

Was it a 50/50 ball and you’ve come off worse? You say you kicked back for the ball too, so it sounds like it was a loose ball for either player to go for.

Or did he fly into you? Does he usually play with men and has maybe let this lead his style of play?

If it were me, I’d be looking at the bigger picture in terms of how he is generally. The attitude afterwards is an issue in particular; he should be apologetic, annoyed with himself, cringing at his forcefulness, lifting and laying you etc.

this is a bonkers take.

i've played/coached football for 40+ years.

i've ALWAYS known who i was playing against.

at no point during the many, many times i've played against children/girls/women/grandparents have i ever not been aware of that fact, or briefly forgotten and tackled someone with the same force/aggression that i would against people of my own age/size/ability.

anyone who is capable of losing control in that situation is capable of losing control in any situation.

my guess is that OP's DH felt he wanted to assert his dominance a bit (ridiculous, and probably indicative of some other resentment), and is now likely embarrassed, and is doubling down instead of admitting to himself that he misjudged the situation so badly.

none of which makes him any less of a knob.

and makes me suspect he's probably quite often a bit of a knob about quite a lot of things.

DrowningInSyrup · 01/07/2025 15:02

NC28 · 01/07/2025 09:42

OP, football is a contact sport and injuries happen very often, especially if you were wearing normal trainers, no shin pads etc. I think many of the posters here have clearly never trained or played football in their life.

Was it a 50/50 ball and you’ve come off worse? You say you kicked back for the ball too, so it sounds like it was a loose ball for either player to go for.

Or did he fly into you? Does he usually play with men and has maybe let this lead his style of play?

If it were me, I’d be looking at the bigger picture in terms of how he is generally. The attitude afterwards is an issue in particular; he should be apologetic, annoyed with himself, cringing at his forcefulness, lifting and laying you etc.

Agreed

diddl · 01/07/2025 14:44

Didn't say sorry?

No remorse?

He carried on playing(??)

I mean you say competitive but was it more of a kickabout?

At the least my husband would have taken me straight home.

And what's the passive aggression?

He sounds nasty!

Rewis · 01/07/2025 14:34

How is this about how man and women shouldn't play together and turned into some tefr/trans thing? Injuries happen in games where women play against women and men play against men. And the main issue is not that op got injured at a competitive game. It is her husbands lack of care. If she had been injured by a stranger her husband should manage to muster some sympathy. Since he's the one injuring her, he should be apologetic and not a whiny grumpy passive aggressive asshole.

GiveMeSpanakopita · 01/07/2025 14:29

I know you don't want to hear it OP but I'm another one coming down heavily in the abuse category.

You were having a kickaround with children. It's not Champions League football, super fast and aggressive. Kids kick weakly, it's a slow game. A kickaround. So to tackle you at such speed and force that he shears off a slice of your bone, he was clearly and knowingly using MUCH more force than was necessary.

Plus, you said he wouldn't tackle the kids like that - so he obviously knew what he was doing when it came to you.

Not an accident. Targeted, purposeful aggression. You're in trouble and you NEED to take it seriously.

Phobiaphobic · 01/07/2025 14:11

Perfect illustration why the terfs are right and men should never play with or against women in sport.

thischarmimgwoman · 01/07/2025 14:01

This is why men and women should not be playing the same contact sport at the same time.

maslinpan · 01/07/2025 13:56

Let's not forget the other person who witnessed it and responded by calling the DH vile. There was an objective observer and their shocked reaction should be noted.

AbzMoz · 01/07/2025 13:46

yakkity · 01/07/2025 13:00

If two people are going at speed and smash into each other (or in this case their feet do) it’s not exactly one persons fault.

Show quote history

Yes that’s fair and would be a clear accident.
but - again - the OPs words focus on ongoing passive agg behaviour, and an awful reaction / lack of sympathy.

If the post had been ‘DH is being a bit useless after an accident he caused’ then the reaction would probably be a bit different. But the post is ‘collision happened because of DH aggressive behaviour towards me, which is part of an ongoing pass-agg pattern, and now DH is being shitty around pulling his weight.’

Ihopeyouhavent · 01/07/2025 13:32

Sounds like an accident.

But why cant you put all the info in the first post?

Violinist64 · 01/07/2025 13:29

@CatandaTiddle, everyone here and in real life is saying exactly the same thing. Your "D"H is abusive and has behaved appallingly. His actions have caused a nasty injury that could have been even worse and his subsequent behaviour is showing that he feels justified and that he is blaming you for what he has done. You have said that this is the first time you have been hurt. Please believe everyone when we say it will not be the last. His attitude towards you so far is nasty comments, gaslighting and putting you down on every possible occasion. Now he has tasted blood, he will almost certainly physically abuse you. Not only is this completely wrong on so many levels, what example is it setting for your children? You need to be making plans to get your children and you out of this house as soon as possible.

Arlanymor · 01/07/2025 13:20

I used to play rugby - I'm all about the rough and tumble, I would not be upset about a full-on tackle in the middle of sports, professional or for fun, I go all in too, it's what I am trained to do (although not with kids - but with a full grown adult sure!)

But this is more about your life at home isn't it? And his attitude to you in general. Sports is a red herring here...

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/07/2025 13:12

yakkity · 01/07/2025 13:00

If two people are going at speed and smash into each other (or in this case their feet do) it’s not exactly one persons fault.

Show quote history

except that presumably one of those people has played enough football to know what these collisions are like, and is aware enough that the other person

  1. isn't also a grown adult male
  2. is likely unaware of the force they are likely to collide with
  3. is likely not experienced enough to know how they can protect themselves in that situation
  4. is probably assuming that a grown adult male isn't going to absolutely clatter them

if you're bigger, stronger, heavier, faster AND more experienced, it's 100% on you to manage the situation to avoid harm to either of you.

CorbyTrouserPress · 01/07/2025 13:09

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 09:19

Good grief, I wasn’t expecting responses like this!
It was football. There were also children playing, and no he wouldn’t have tackled a child like this. Although I was desperate to get the ball so I did also kick hard against his hard kick - but was aiming for the ball. I can’t quite remember what happened but our feet collided.

The FA strongly advises against competitive (or any) matches involving adults and children as the risk of serious injury is high. You say he may not have tackled a child like that but in reality the majority of football injuries are accidental and he could have easily injured a child in a similar way.

Oh, and the fact he wasn’t even sorry means he’s a massive dick.

Rewis · 01/07/2025 13:03

Accidents happen when you're playing. But usually in a backyard type games you don't tackle (even men v men) and if you do and someone gets hurt, you stop and check on them. You apologise. If they have to go to a hospital, you apologise again and ask if you can bring them something and you follow up. And that's if it is a stranger. If it is your partner, you triple that.

3luckystars · 01/07/2025 13:01

NettleTea · 01/07/2025 11:48

here's a question - do you think he would have kicked as hard had it been one of the other mums? Do you think he would have been so off hand and victim blaming to her had she been in pain. And do you think she, or her husband, would have laughed it off as insignificant?

Look at how you would expect him to behave if the same thing happened to someone who isnt you, and then look at how he should behave towards someone he is supposed to love and care for. Now look at what actually happened and compare the gap.

Within that gap lies the answer

Excellent post.

I totally agree.
AND he should be nice to you when unwell, whatever the cause. He is way off normal.