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AIBU?

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Original poster

Divorcing a cocklodger

78 replies

Abouttobescrewedover · 01/07/2025 08:26

I have put almost £750k of savings/inheritance into our relationship in order to support STBXH business.

I’ve paid off the mortgage on our joint property, and own a smaller rental myself.

With the exception of the properties, I have nothing left. Not a penny once the solicitors have been paid.

STBXH earns about £8k a year. He refuses to give up on the business as it means he can do what he wants, when he wants.

I work part time as well as being the main carer to two young children (plus DSC when here) and the person doing all the housework, etc.

We’re in the early stages of divorce, completing our Form E. My solicitor said his needs will be assessed and that he needs somewhere to live.

AIBU to think this is unfair given he’s choosing to pursue a business that’s making no money?

Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

I have loads of evidence whereby I’ve begged him to get a job!

OP posts:
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Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 04/07/2025 22:27

@Pleasealexa
Thats helpful, thank you - I can do that easily.

Money has been a mix of trust fund, gifts and inheritance. It’s all gone now though either in property or his business…the savings I have will be wiped out by legal fees now

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 04/07/2025 21:40

Ah so not too old as will still be judged as having at least 15 years working life ahead of him. He will have to maximise his earnings so it might be useful to have comparisons for types of jobs/salary he has done or could do.

Did you inherit money?

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 03/07/2025 20:39

@Pleasealexa
he has paid enough in, he’s almost 52

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 03/07/2025 19:19

Op, how old is he? It's relevant as his working lifespan will be taken into account, especially as he is much older than you. Has he paid enough contributions to get a state pension? Check yours as well.

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 03/07/2025 19:11

Thank you, I will need solicitors input but I want to look through it all myself too as I’ll have a better idea of where money have come and gone, etc….I am interested to see it, I’m imagining he’s racked up a load of gambling debt

OP posts:
Outofthemoonlight · 03/07/2025 19:10

What @Moanranger said.

@Abouttobescrewedover , you can save yourself A LOT, and I mean A LARGE 4-FIGURE SUM if you do your homework and compile succinct and easy to understand accounts of all financial data.

Check out Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies.

Moanranger · 03/07/2025 18:44

Abouttobescrewedover · 03/07/2025 17:27

will I get to see his Form E and supporting documents such as bank statements or will I only get to know about them through my solicitor?

The exchange of financial information is via solicitors but it will be essential for you to analyse & comment as you will have a better understanding of his & yours finances.
In my case, my ex just dumped a huge amount of bank statements, etc with no accompanying narrative. So I had to go through and work out the income & expenditure & what it meant, e.g. he had bought his girlfriend a car, not explained but you could see the expenditure.
Be aware that if you leave it to your solicitors to analyse ( done by juniors) you will be paying legal fees for this,so it can get very pricey. Suggest that you do this, to save money & also you will understand better what is going on. Divorce can get v v expensive & it reduces the amount you both will have available to split.

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 03/07/2025 17:27

will I get to see his Form E and supporting documents such as bank statements or will I only get to know about them through my solicitor?

OP posts:
grumpyoldeyeore · 03/07/2025 16:50

I thought arbitration was binding too. Be aware if there are hidden assets / dishonesty you want to use the courts as arbitrators have no powers to order disclosure of evidence which a court does.

Moanranger · 03/07/2025 05:10

Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 19:01

@Moanranger
this is a minefield 😫

Yup. One of the most stressful things I ever had to do. You have my condolences. Stay focussed. Hold your nerve. Good support on Mumsnet. Best of luck!

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 19:01

@Moanranger
this is a minefield 😫

OP posts:
Moanranger · 02/07/2025 15:19

Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 15:11

@Moanranger
i thought arbitration was like a judgement but you paid someone to look into the case in more detail, etc?

You do get a different point of view, but it is not binding, so the arbitrators assessment can be ignored by either party or the courts, hence why it is considered a waste of time. I had a fairly complex divorce & was initially advised by an extremely good London law firm partner in family law. I then used a Mackenzie friend, also v experienced & knowledgeable. Neither advised arbitration.

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 15:11

@Moanranger
i thought arbitration was like a judgement but you paid someone to look into the case in more detail, etc?

OP posts:
Moanranger · 02/07/2025 15:06

Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 13:27

@wheresmymojo
Yes, I just can’t imagine it being worth much…pension has been spent buying the office via a SIP

That’s worth something!!

Moanranger · 02/07/2025 15:04

Abouttobescrewedover · 01/07/2025 23:15

@Moanranger
my solicitor suggested arbitration with not being straightforward too.

I think the general view is that arbitration/mediation is a waste of time

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 13:27

@wheresmymojo
Yes, I just can’t imagine it being worth much…pension has been spent buying the office via a SIP

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 02/07/2025 13:23

I think you need to take into account that his pension and business are all marital assets as well, irrespective of whether the business is in his sole name - any assets / cash that belong to the business count as marital assets.

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 12:21

Thank you, that’s the other thing to consider….i have been covering the costs of DSC when with us too

OP posts:
grumpyoldeyeore · 02/07/2025 11:09

So 5 years is considered a short marriage (with the expectation you leave with what you brought) and 20 long so you are at the lower end of middle which helps you.

All I can say is I had a younger female judge and got a good deal overall. While the assets were mixed (so I didn’t walk away with pre marriage assets intact) judge found the split didn’t have to be equal and my greater contributions in capital and future childcare should be taken into account (I got 75%).

It doesn’t always go that way but in a shortish marriage, a second marriage where not all dc are shared and where you will be taking on bulk responsibilities for children you have a good case for arguing either ringfence assets or to split them unequally.

I don’t think the system works when people may have multiple marriages it’s still based on notion of one - let’s face it he could find another victim and do the same again.

His expected earnings are £22k+ at min wage no court will say £8k is all he can earn without a medical or childcare reason. If he has a skill which can earn more than that then you get evidence of salary roles he could do. When you get to questionnaire stage you ask what jobs and roles he has applied to (he will then have justify to court why he is not maximising earnings).

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 09:07

If it were proved I had a stake in his business, what’s to stop him running it into the ground and then just starting another I’m not involved in

I’m not sure if it makes a difference but he’s also accusing me of having an affair now 🙃

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 02/07/2025 08:46

You.need a forensic accountant. It will save you many times more than it costs. Your ex is shifty. It can be done by solicitor recommendation and paid from the proceeds of the split

Tiredofwhataboutery · 02/07/2025 08:20

Abouttobescrewedover · 01/07/2025 16:24

I was happy to leave his pension and business be but I’m tempted to demand a split of that too, take him for all I can

I think you should. I mean not necessarily you want half but if the business is worth 50k and his pension is 50k then his equity then it all goes in the pot and he can sacrifice his share of other assets in order to keep these things.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 02/07/2025 08:12

But that’s either a loan or investment, right, and there will be transfer records so you do own part of the business it just isn’t recorded on paper. Make sure your solicitor knows this as it might be a good tool in getting a better deal elsewhere as he won’t want you to have an ownership stake going forward so you may be able to trade it off somewhere else.

Original poster
Abouttobescrewedover · 02/07/2025 07:59

@CaptainFuture
he is earning £8k after expenses. His expenses are about £1k a month, I’ve asked if he could give up the office and WFH but he’s said not

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 02/07/2025 07:50

Abouttobescrewedover · 01/07/2025 09:09

I’ve got evidence for everything, it’s all in bank statements.

If we were to sell the family home, I couldn’t buy a three bedroom house in this area for 50% of the equity.

If I sell my rental property, I would be reducing my income by a third and would therefore struggle to live.

Would it make a difference that STBXH spends £1k a month on office space?
There isn’t really a reason he can’t WHF…or get a flipping job!

How's he funding £12k a year for office space if he only earns £8k?
Or does the business make more and that's all he pays himself as a tax thing? @Abouttobescrewedover

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