AIBU to feel like I’m always the "default parent" even when we're both home?

I often used to tell DC to ask daddy, or tell daddy about it, or daddy will help you.

Probably got to be a combination of things, having a conversation about it, doing a chore audit as part of that, then agreeing what you'll do differently then holding each other accountable.

For example I refuse to answer the question 'where is xx' anymore - I might have an idea where it is but refuse to do the labour of thinking/remembering/ looking when my partner hasn't even put in more than a tiny bit of effort to look himself

The hard part for you will might be letting things go and not stepping in when you see things not being done/going wrong...

sat morning comes

‘right…. Sophie has ballet at 10, Lucy needs help making a castle for her school project, we need a few bits from Tesco and the hoovering needs doing. What you doing? Lucy and hoovering or Sophie and Tesco???’

lay out the jobs and ask what he’s foong. It would be lovely if he took it upon himself to do parenting such as this without prompting but if he’s not going to - I’d gently push him into the right direction.

if kids ask for things and you’re busy say ‘mummy’s sorting these bills out- ask daddy to get you a drink’ redirect them - don’t do everything.

kids often resort to mum for everything so you help them to start thinking about dad as a useful being instead.

similarly if you are up to your eyes in doing something and they want something you can call ‘Barry! Kids need a snack please ‘

I honestly think it's really annoying when people complain about this. If you ask for him to do something and it's done then I really don't see the issue. I just don't believe in the "mental load".

Drop the rope a little

Don't be too hasty to do everything

I love MN 😂

”I feel this is unfair”

Literally second reply:
“THREATEN HIM WITH DIVORCE!!!”

Making the assumption that you’re both adults who care for one another, have the conversation. A lot of men growing up in the 80s/90s literally did not learn how to mange the mental load of a household. Like the attitude of “here’s a thing, do the thing” was normalised over and above “keep attentive to the environment your family is in.”

It doesn’t excuse being thoughtless and everyone has the responsibility to better themselves from their upbringing, but if the OP’s other half literally doesn’t know then he isn’t being unkind and just needs to learn better through discourse.

A bigger conversation.

And don’t use the term ‘help’. It’s not your job that he needs to ‘help’ you with. He needs to do his part of the job of parenting.

But why raise it then? It's not what the op is talking about. Sorry..not trying to luck I a fight and I'm sure you're great but this is so common. Men equating one off or monthly jobs with the everyday, invisible stuff as though they are equal. Especially on households where both work full time it's hugely unequal.

🤔 I know it's not the same - I was trying to make that point obvious 😀
One can't take away the fact that they need doing and people's attitudes to them. And I don't necessarily see those as 'hero' things anyway - they're most a pita 😀

Buy as you say, those aren't everyday and you get the hero thanks for swooping in yo solve the big problem while the mum does the relentless endless grind of homework, vegetables, clean pants, teeth cleaning. It's not the same.

I became default for the dog too! It creeps up on you. "NO, I do not want you to walk the dog "for me"", just walk the bloody dog.

Things changed with both the dog and the kids when I shut down the "for you" every.single.time....

and added in a "Do you want me to close the curtains - for you", "Do you want me to put the bins out - for you" (his 2 generally default activities, that I'd do sometimes with no faff).

He then realised that we should both be just doing stuff when it needed doing, looking after the kids and the dog is for their welfare and just needs doing, by somebody, doesn't matter who.

Just say ‘Go and bother your father, darlings.’

It's unfortunate that a lot of men need to be told to 'step up' - it's part of being a parent, ffs and shouldn't need saying.
But temper this with the realisation that (as I used to discuss with my kids mum) there will be things for which he is the default - kids used to come to me if their laptops weren't working, bikes needed fixing, bedroom ceiling was leaking again, and so on. These were NOT everyday things, but they were there too.
Also, I never needed to be told to step up - I had always wanted to be a dad, and embraced it with gusto 😀

You've become the household manager. You need to have a proper discussion. You might find it hard to drop the rope but you could start with agreeing who is default parent at the weekend, depending on who's doing what. Also taking time away if you don't much, to reinforce to the kids and DH that dad can do what mum can do.

I had this situation for a while and I ended up taking a promoted secondment for nine months, where I worked away overnight much more regularly. H was faced with stepping up a lot more.

You need the bigger conversation, and ask him how he’ll cope when he’s got the kids 50% if he doesn’t sort his shit out.

You don't have to be. But a lot of women, and I include myself in this, act as though they are. Which is understandable as we have the dc first, a full 9 months before the dad's. But if you step back, accept you don't get your way on all things child related and trust your dcs father it is changeable.