AIBU to feel like I’m always the "default parent" even when we're both home?

So you get to fix things once in a while and get all the kudos while mum does the day in day out relentless grind of shit tasks no one appreciates. Yeah, that's the definition of letting your wife carry the mental load.

I always come back to the Emma comics on the Guardian to demonstrate this and the mental load, tagging @ThejoyofNC who clearly needs to read it.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

@Whosenameisthis - my favourite word is scurryfunge - to rapidly clean when company is on the way over! 🤭

You can’t just decide something doesn’t exist.

A family is leaving the house. The man says, “keys, wallet, phone” and steps out of the door. The woman says, “snacks, proper shoes on the kids, make sure everyone has gone to the loo, insect repellent/sunscreen/allergy pills/whatever they need, where are the 100 things they need, which car are the car seats in, when has everyone napped, coats, shit Sarah needs a new coat, it’s getting small, where’s the list, bag for all the crap when it warms up and they lose the coats, sandcastle building supplies, water, membership card for the English Heritage, have to be back in time for the birthday party later that I got the gift/card/wrapping for, AND keys, handbag, phone”.

And then the man complains that she takes a log time to leave the house.

This doesn’t happen in my house. But it wouldn’t be quicker, more fun or easier to tell a man to do all the things above. If he’s a lazy twat. And women on here with avoidant DHs who give them ‘buy a coat’ and ‘get a gift’ find out quickly that they don’t.

I feel you OP. The key is to resist doing anything, leave the house if you must

and he will help

It's not helping though. That's a phrase that's placing you in the household management role with him as the helper. He needs to pull his weight as an equal party. Not see himself as helping by doing something only when asked.

Full disclosure, I’m a dad. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I think there will need to be major shifts in multiple fronts here and a grown up, calm, rational conversation would help. One where you are clear with how you feel and the impact it is having on you. He shouldn’t argue with that if you stick to how you feel, avoiding‘I always’ and ‘you never’ statements. You may need to change too. Can you let go of a couple of things? Maybe something doesn’t happen and he has to deal with it rather than you. You will need a mindset shift too. He doesn’t ‘help’. He is your partner and father of you children. He takes responsibility to get things done for you and for the children.

I highly recommend the book “seven principles for making marriage work”. This will help you navigate this conversation and get you back on the right track. It may well come as a shock to him and he just needs to have it spelled out. Just some initial thoughts. Good luck!

Honestly? It’s because a lot of mums put up with it and don’t say anything which leads to dads not stepping up and unable to use their initiative.

I can only speak from experience of watching my friends go through this, but I feel like if you don’t set the boundary early on that you won’t be taken for a mug and do everything at home and with the kids then you end up with a man who will sit watching the football whilst you’re running around sorting the kids out. They haven’t been asked to step up, or been given the chance to be left with their kids for long so they don’t bother learning how to be an equal part.

My advice? A decent convo about him stepping up when at home and making sure you go out of the house one evening a week so that dad has to be the only parent at home to sort everything out

Please see my last paragraph. Yes, I was always there.
Maybe read what I wrote again, you've misunderstood it quite fundamentally, or I haven't explained it properly. There were no issues of responsibilities in my relationship with my kids mum. In fact she encouraged me to have custody when we separated, saying I'd make a better job of it.
I was just saying that there are also things which seem to be assumed the role of a man. I'm not saying that's right.

Or maybe they sit back and let us believe that, while it gets them out of doing all the shit they don’t want to do.

Sexist much?

I am the default for bikes needing fixing, laptops rebooting, phones setting up, banks sorting out.

this the issue, and you’re a clear demonstration of the problem. Me do man things, woman do the cleaning and childcare.

did you ever help with the kids or the housework? Or was that her job while you waited for them to need help with things that need a man’s input.

Hmm maybe it's the case when parents are back at work far more than the 9 months that the dads are more involved. Dd went back when her eldest was 4.5 leaving him in the care of her DH. ( worked opposite shifts)

This time round she returned at 5 months and her DH is currently on paternity leave

He's a fully equal parent and doesn't need telling what to do

Maybe because men know we do things better!!

The way to solve this is to create a new narrative "Daddy does this."

"Mum, I want a cold drink". "Oh, Daddy does cold drinks, sweetie, go and ask him".

"Mum, where's the TV remote?" "Daddy's in charge of TV stuff, he'll know."

"Mum, can you do my hair?" "Don't worry, love, Daddy is free right now and he'll do a great job braiding it".

Say these sorts of things often enough and eventually they'll be internalised by the kids and their other parent.

Why are they though?

is it because men can’t? Is it because women are naturally better at fetching drinks, cleaning house and remembering where everyone put their stuff?

no, it’s because it’s ingrained in society, and these roles are learned so early that it’s the default.

so we need to stop accepting it, and start expecting men to step up. They can do it, they just don’t, because they have never been expected to.

think about your house being messy and a visitor turning up. What’s the reaction from you and dh? Me, I’m embarrassed and will try and surreptitiously clean up, because it reflects badly on me that I can’t keep a clean home. Dh won’t give a shit, because why would someone think badly of a bit of mess? He’s not the one being judged for it. It’s absolutely ingrained.

My exh did nothing with the dc - stuff I called The Donkey Work.Bathing, laundry, bedtime, loading car /dc /pram /shopping.. I did the lot...
When I met dh and we decided to have ds we discussed him sharing raising dc not me being The Go To.
Ime The Donkey Work is what bonds you and dc.. The night wakingsn, the bathing, the stories. Ex missed out so much. We divorced and at teen age dc stopped seeing him. He didn't even fight for them..
Ds and dh have a very strong relationship.. As he does with my older dc. Investing time with the dc really matters. Ask dh what sort of relationship he sees himself having with the dc in the years to come.

But temper this with the realisation that (as I used to discuss with my kids mum) there will be things for which he is the default - kids used to come to me if their laptops weren't working, bikes needed fixing, bedroom ceiling was leaking again, and so on. These were NOT everyday things, but they were there too.

oh god. I can't believe you had the actual brass neck to post this guff.

i didn't have this issue, but a friend who did just stopped doing things, she'd attend to the first thing that cropped up, and then for the next she'd ignore it. At first her DH used to say "aren't you going to..." and she'd just look at him, saying nothing, until the penny dropped. It took a while, but she won out in the end.

But she doesn't want to be.

But this is the whole point.

why does he need to be told Sophie has ballet at 10. Presumably it happens every week so why is it mum’s job to remember and sort out who takes her.

Why isn’t he laying out the jobs?

I had this conversation with dh. Every time he says “do you want me to” - no, if the bathroom needs cleaning it needs cleaning, whether I want it cleaning or not.

it’s difficult because some of it is just language. He thinks he’s saying “right, I’ll do the bathroom now, unless there’s something else more important I’ve missed”. I hear the literal phrase, “do you want me to”, and it makes me feel like his manager and as if he’s expecting me to make a decision about it.

i do agree with the redirect. If I’m wfh the kids will automatically come to me to ask for something while dh is sat watching telly. No jimmy, I’m working, your dad will get it/take you to the shop.

I can highly recommend having a surgical operation rendering you completely unable to parent or involve in the day to day runnings of the household while you recover.

He automatically has no choice but to be the default parent and responsible for the household. He then realises just how much you did/do, the challenges it presents and begins to appreciate you more.

Well - I don't recommend the surgery bit but I do highly recommend removing yourself from the equation so he has to solve things and think for himself.

Book yourself a weekend away.

How often does he look after the kids by himself?

As a sahm Dh and I worked it so that we both had a lie in on a weekend and this then meant every week Dh was solo parenting for several hours. We kept this going when Dc2 was born and then we did divide and conquer. Off to the shops? You take a child with you. That meant one on one time for each parent and child and we alternated which child. Children need to get used to doing things they don't like or want to do because that is the reality of life.

This was mainly done because of the sahm part but also because Dc2 had medical needs and had been sleeping on me, co-sleeping in the day and was therefore incredibly attached to me. We needed to remove the velcro child from me.

If your Dh is not used to parenting by themselves then it is easy to fall into exactly where you are. Usual thing is woman works part time to facilitate school runs etc and then weekends are "family time" where all 4 are together meaning the man never solo parents, never has to figure out how to have a poo with an active toddler on the loose in the house because the woman is always there.

Stop using the word "help" too, it implies it is your job and he "helps" instead of parents his own children. I would also go with, pretend I am not here for the next 3 hours, everything those children need you sort out. Be direct tell him what you want him to do. Don't solve stuff for him, don't solve stuff for your children. Get them to work things out for themselves. If they are fighting get the two children to work out a way not to fight, talk things through. What is acceptable behaviour? Would they do that at school with their friends in a classroom in front of the teacher? If not why do they think it is okay to do that with a sibling? Critical thinking is important to learn.

I was the default parent as DH worked away a lot so kids were used to mum doing everything and it didn't occur to them to ask dad when he was home and he had no idea of their routine really. I remember once being in the shower and a little face appearing round the curtain saying 'can I have a drink please?' to which I replied 'Yes darling, go and ask Daddy, he's in the kitchen!'

But DH did do a lot of the playing/bathing/bedtime when he was home and the bigger DIY jobs etc. He just didn't know the day to day routine of stuff - sorting lunches/book bags/PE kits/homework etc.

Not in this house. And not generally when both parents WOH equal amounts.

The one that wound me up the most was 'what time is it'

He had access to all the same devices as me.

Anyway. Yes, you need to stop. Just stop.
Do we need milk? - dunno.
Mum, where's my boots? Where did you leave them?.
What are we having for dinner? What are you making?

Be reasonable, but don't accept responsibility for every single thing any more. Redirect, return a question, if it's something that only affects him, just leave him to realise he hasn't done it (and neither have you)

Either he'll step up, or he won't.

You are the primary care giver. Most mothers are