MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

"Normal" doesn't really exist. It's clearly not normal for you. She may find some of your behaviours aren't "normal". Lots of people love thrift store shopping, and think it's great from both a bargain and environmental perspective.

Unclear where the "knickers" idea is coming from - I don't recall seeing any charity shops selling used underpants. Maybe brand new unopened packets - in which case there's no issue.

I've got a few relatives who enjoy charity shop perusals, and buying stuff on vinted etc. It gives them joy to find a bargain - and that's understandable. Also understandable why they may not wish to spend a ton of money on brand new kids clothes - they grow out of them very quickly.

I do understand why you would be upset if the clothes are obviously dirty/smelly/not fit for use. That said, even brand new clothes can have a bit of a nasty smell. In her situation I would usually wash any charity shop finds before I gave them to anyone else, especially a child. I would also not expect the recipient to necessarily want them - and it wouldn't bother me if they didn't because fashion and clothing is a very personal thing.

As for re-gifting things that you've given to her in the first place: that's a different thing entirely. That is understandably something you'd be a bit annoyed about - though given she's elderly she may have forgotten it was you who gave it to her. She may associate you with the items but gotten the association incorrect. That sort of forgetfulness is pretty normal for older people (you asked what's normal and what isn't).

As with all things the way to deal with this if it's bothering you is to communicate with her about it, and to do so in as kind a way as possible. It's lovely that she wants to gift things to you and your family - maybe instead of being negative about it you could approach this by giving her some ideas of the sorts of things you would actually like for your children: so, you would like some GAP kids shorts in whatever size they like. Or you'd like a Polo Ralph Lauren t-shirt or somesuch. That'll give her things to look for (which thrifters often enjoy). And if you don't want clothes then ask for something else - some people collect mid century Pyrex for example (not my cup of tea, but hey - each to their own).

As for her selling stuff on FB marketplace - unclear what your issue is with that (your account of what is happening there seems a bit unclear: you say: "as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me..." First, if she's getting them for free on FB marketplace then she's not buying them - she's being given then; Second, you say she's keeping them and then selling them...what's wrong with that?? She was the one who got them, why does she have to tell you what she is doing with stuff she's getting for free on FB? Do you mean to say that she's found things on FB Marketplace before, told you that she got them for your child, but never actually gave them to your child and instead sold them? Well, given your attitude to her finds and thrifting she may well have gotten the impression you weren't all that fussed about whatever the item was, so she decided to sell it. Or, put another way, you can't have it both ways. Plus, how do you know she's sold the stuff? Seems a bit odd to be keeping tabs on what people are buying and selling.

Also unclear what you mean about her being "stingy" - what are you expecting from her? She's getting your child gifts, what more do you want?

If you don't want to communicate with her about this then the way forward would just be to say thank you when she gives you stuff, and then then just donate whatever you don't like back to the charity shops. But put it in a donation box that won't be locally distributed.

Don't wear second-hand shoes - especially for kids. All the other things bag and phone a charity to collect.

There we go with the ageism again 🙄

Yes, OP said the the charity shop labels have been removed and that the garments have no original tags on them- she knows where they’re originally from by the “sewn in NEXT labels”

The items are not BNWT. They are worn items.

Actually while I'm here, I'm increasingly finding charity shop clothes do stink: of perfumed fabric sprays/ conditioners. It's horrible and it doesn't always wash out.

Charity shops now are just like any other business. I'd love to know how much of their profit goes to the actual charity and how much to the CEOs. I've become very sceptical having looked at some online company accounts.
One near me was closed for weeks for a revamp yet the stock is just the same and they must have spent thousands on tarting up the shop.

Buy 2nd hand if you want to of course, but not all the money will be spent as we'd like.

100% this.

YANBU OP. Nothing wrong with charity shops. But your MIL is addicted to shopping and/or a bargain, and leaving you to deal with the consequences. You are well within your rights to try and address this with her!

My mum is a bit like that OP. She buys things just for the sake of it, usually ugly - just because she saw it and it was in DD’s size, she must buy it! It’s like a compulsion. She loves a bargain and thinks she’s also being all eco but actually it’s just more items coming into my house that I have to process - store, get rid of etc. Cheers mum! 😆

Re read her posts. She didn't say BNWT.

She said the 'brand tags' inside the garment were removed but the gran insisted they were originally sold by Next, M&S etc.

OP doesn't have an issue with charity shops in general. She says she doesn't want loads of these clothes, she doesn't need them and yes, they aren't the best quality at times.

The problem is not that she is buying from charity shops, it’s that she is buying ripped, stinky crap from charity shops and not even bothering to rewash clothing and iron it nicely before passing it on to you. That’s not a nice gift, that’s getting you to do something she should have done in order to make the gift thoughtfully, respectfully and lovingly given.

It sounds like a combination of shopping addiction possibly with some hoarding tendencies (by proxy) thrown in. She needs the dopamine hit from finding her "bargain" but shoves the consequences on to others and dresses it up as being loving and possibly eco-friendly

If she was shopping on this scale paying full, new prices, you'd be concerned about the cost and the stuff building up.

Regularly buying any random tat from charity shops is not a bargain. It's not generous. It's also not saving the environment because it's depriving others that may genuinely want that item from benefiting from it, and you're just deflecting it on to someone else to dispose of. Children don't benefit from excessive stuff that they have little interest in either.

Charity shops vary. Some are pleasant, places to find good quality items. Some are... not. If her local shop doesn't have a high standard of donations (it might be an area where donations are not plentiful) then it makes sense that items are regularly of dubious quality. I liked a second-hand bargain when my DCs were little but I soon learned which shops and areas were good and which were best avoided. They're good places to browse and get something if it's genuinely useful to you.

Charity shops being generally associated with the positives of saving money and reusing items covers up the extent of compulsive shoping and unhealthy attitudes to stuff.

Charity shops don't normally sell second hand underwear.

You'd really be that rude and unkind to your MIL. That's horrible and totally unnecessary.

Me neither, no knickers unless they are brand new in a packet.

Also charity shops don't take anything dirty and staff not allowed to smoke. All clothes are steamed.

If something smells of smoke, you can wash it surely.

Charity shops are good.

@AlwaysHopefull89 i would explain that you would prefer not to have charity shop gifts. .Its her thing but for your child you are buying new.

Do we have the same MIL op?? Mine does the same. Bags and bags of “stuff” every week. We don’t need or want it and it just takes up space / effort to sort through and wash / get rid of. Car boots are another of her favourites. Once a week she goes and we get crap dropped off. Plastic toys with missing parts and no batteries, clothes for a 5 year old (our baby is 7 months) I hate it. For Christmas she spends the year buying stuff from charity shops / car boots then sits down and looks through the pile and decides who gets what; nothing brought with intention, just wants a big pile. This year she gave our baby the same book 3 times and eldest the same pack of toiletries twice.

Mumsnet is always like this on these threads. Similar threads have been made before and posters always jump to berating the OP for being ungrateful and bending over backwards to say how normal (and eco conscious 🙄) the person gifting all this shite is.

In the real world, many parents love a good charity shop bargain of bits and pieces for their children. I buy books in particular and have found some fantastic toys like a set of dolls house furniture and a nearly-new scuttlebug. But you don’t gift these things to other people’s children, certainly not exclusively and in bulk ffs.

I am also a charity shop volunteer, 10 years. Two household name charities. Underwear only sold Bnwt but OP seems to have a massive problem with Bnwt from a charity shop too. Unsure how something can simultaneously be Bnwt and ripped/stained.

also agree that stained or damaged stuff would be straight in the recycling. Sometimes you miss a mark or split seam but no shop has a policy of putting out damaged stock.

OP has a clear issue with charity shops in general and would prefer all brand new. Which is a weird attitude to me but that’s up to her. OP’s MIL having a shopping addiction is a separate issue.

It comes over as controlling to be honest. Imposing her wishes on you.

I buy clothes for my grandchildren but I always ask first if they need whatever ( T shirts, socks, jumpers) and I'd never buy 2nd hand. I will buy sale bargains that are new.

When you ask where they're from, it's understandable she'd say the original shop, as you both know she bought them from the charity shop, so why would you ask unless you're asking where they were from originally?

No, the MIL should say they were bought at a charity shop but the BRAND is Next, M&S etc (which would be on the label unless it's been cut out as some kind of ploy.)

There's a difference between buying things for grandchildren that are needed and wanted, And buying things that are neither just to make the buyer feel good about herself.

I could never handle this. Well done for putting a stop to it- how did your husband finally manage it?

This kind of behaviour is a sign of being mentally unwell in some way. Normal people simply don’t do this.

Your MiL thinks of her grandchild every day and spends money on things she feels she might like and might save you money, and your take away is that she's stingy and a liar? When you ask where they're from, it's understandable she'd say the original shop, as you both know she bought them from the charity shop, so why would you ask unless you're asking where they were from originally? If you don't want the things, surely you have the social skills to tell her that without inflating it to something so negative. 'Thanks for the things MiL, but DC has loads of shoes/pants/jigsaws, so can you hold off for a bit while we get use out of these' should do it. If not, just donate elsewhere.

Maybe it was a pack of unopened and unused kids' knickers.

They do sell children’s shoes. I’ve donated my son’s shoes from when he started walking and I see them
for sale in my local charity shops.

OP everyone is going to jump to calling you unreasonable but I think most people really wouldn’t like this. I would just keep a bag in the cupboard for everything and when it’s full fling it in the textile recycling. Depending on your daughter’s age, keep a few half decent things to get trashed as nursery clothes. That way you can send her photos from nursery with her in them and no one’s feelings are hurt.

I feel your pain Op!
My MIL would gift our children presents this way and she’d buy the majority from car boot sales or auctions. Every year, for Christmas, each child would get about 2-3 sacks of toys and clothes and apart from one or two items, most would be unwanted or unusable because the sizing would be wrong, poor style, dirty or if a toy, the product would be broken.

Every packet, product or item would be wrapped up in Christmas paper too and my children would sit there having to unwrap each item, either in front of my MIL if it was an in person visit or on Christmas Day if the presents were left. It would go on for ages as each pair of socks, underwear, pyjamas, box of chocolates, packet of crayons, individual books were unwrapped. So many pairs of socks!!

There would be boxes of out of date chocolates (three years on the trot the kids received the same batch of chocolates!), we’d get stained clothing. So many broken toys - one year it was a fake Etch a Sketch type toy that had already been used and had been drawn on and was missing pieces! My DH said ‘this toy has been used and it is broken’ and my FIL said ‘it wasn’t like that when we wrapped it’.

We tried different ways of pushing back so one year in October my DH called his mum and said that for Christmas, can the children have just one toy or one item of clothing or can he buy something for the kids and she just reimburse him the money (he’d reiterate to his mum that it wouldn’t be expensive) and my MIL would say ‘oh too late, I’ve already bought this year’s presents’.

We tried to beat the system, the kids would unwrap the presents in front of my MIL and we’d leave the broken, unwanted gifts and stained clothing at her house but my MIL didn’t like this and found a way to beat us the following year and - I am not kidding or exaggerating here - but when we visited them in August she presented the sacks of presents to the kids as we were leaving the house heading home! August! In the end, my DH was so strict with his mum that it eventually stopped but I don’t think people realise how frustrating it is until you are put in that position.