MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

Assuming she’s in her 50s, no it’s not generational.

My MIL will hoard crap from charity shops to give as gifts at Christmas and Birthdays.

There’s usually no actual thought behind whether the particular bit of tat will be any use to, or to the taste of, the recipient. And by Christmas she’s normally forgotten who she intended it for, which adds another element of randomisation.

Yes, it’s “better for the environment.” Yes, “it’s the thought that counts” etc etc. But there is no ‘thought,’ she doesn’t care about the environment and she’s got pots of money so doesn’t need to scrimp.

Plus, if you’re one of the favoured category, you’ll get brand new and (somewhat) geared to your tastes.

It took some time to stop it and it was like playing a game of chess, with strategic moves back and forth (with broken, mismatched, dirty chess pieces haha) between us and my MIL. It caused stress because we lived in a small property with hardly any room at the best of times and then to have over 6 sack full of crap turn up overnight put a dampener on things especially if they were left on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Or trying to squeeze them in our smallish car when we left our in laws house.

They did smell although my FIL did smoke but also the smell was musty perhaps due to be stored in the garage or warehouse before they were sold on to my MIL so I didn’t want the bags left in my hallway whilst we decided what do do with them.

I knew that if I piped up and complained to my MIL, I would be the baddie as I was the DIL so my DH dealt with it. Initially, he tried to keep everyone happy and just accepted it from his mum but each year it got worse and worse and he then put his foot down. Realistically who wants to admonish their parent for gifting their grandchildren presents? Nobody really but my MIL just didn’t care about the kids and what they wanted, she just had to buy stuff that was being sold cheap and pass it on. She lives in a massive house and it is full to the brim with crap, she hoards stuff but strangely never uses it - for example, there’s about 20 rolls of kitchen paper in her kitchen but it’s dusty, discoloured and dirty because its been on the top of the fridge for so long that no-one uses it anyway. She is notoriously tight with money but would spend money on crap rather than just giving the kids £10 to spend on a book.

But, my DH understood completely where I was coming from but to ‘incentivise’ him to dealing with it, I wouldn’t deal with the crap myself. I’d put it back in his car boot and he’d get frustrated with it and then he would need to recycle it, put in the charity bag etc. It must be hard for those people whose DH/DW doesn’t see it as a problem but thankfully my DH knew from the beginning that it wasn’t normal behaviour.

Some posters on this thread may criticise the recipient for not being grateful but they don’t really understand how frustrating it is to be on the receiving end of these ‘gifts’ especially as the gifts usually come at busy times of the year such as Christmas or birthdays (or in my case, the August bank holiday in time for Christmas 😜).

IMO compulsively buying stuff from charity shops to regift to people who don't want it is an unrecognised form of hoarding.

I don't think it's ok to be buying stuff from charity shops for Christmas and birthdays unless it's excellent condition.

I would just tell her I didn't want anything smelling of smoke or knickers. She can take offence if she likes.
I'd also bin or redonate anything I didn't want.

I don't know if it's my age but I don't put up with shit like that any more.

I have a relative who sends me awful things for presents, the nastiest plastic tat from Amazon. I used to feel bad about it and keep it hanging around for years. Now it goes straight out the moment it arrives - out on the street with a label on "free to a good home", it's usually gone within an hour. I've asked her not to send things because I don't need anything/have a small flat etc. I've suggested other things she could buy instead but NOPE, always the same.

It sounds like your issue is more with the quality and quantity of what she’s giving you rather than the charity shop itself. My MIL did something similar and sent us a lot of half-broken plastic toys and completely impractical baby clothes (think button-up frilly shirts for 3month old). I don’t like waste and make a point not to buy stuff we don’t need. Also we already had all the clothes we needed for the first year gifted 3rd or 4th hand from a colleague. And have a very small house so specifically said please don’t send much because we don’t have room.

It just stressed me out to be honest and as a new mother I did not need the extra task on my to-do list of sorting through boxes of useless crap to take to the appropriate recycling bin.

@AlwaysHopefull89 I agree with you, I wouldn’t like this either, my sister inlaw gave a me a whole bag of unwashed clothes when my baby was born, I simply didn’t have the energy to go through it all.

Thank her but tell her that your daughter doesn’t need any stuff and her visits are more important than gifts xx

I’d just say to her that you’re feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things you have (not necessarily just DD’s) and you’re struggling to find places to keep them, keep the house in order etc. make it a “you” problem rather than a “her” problem, thank her for her generosity but ask that she stops giving you things so frequently (just birthdays and Christmas)

It's completely unacceptable to buy clothing and toys as gifts in charity shops. For yourself, fine.

Yes, charity shops in the UK are really good. There’s a lot of wearable decent quality stuff in there for reasonable prices. Especially kids stuff since they wear it so little before growing out.

Also second hand books and other household stuff - ornaments, mugs, board games etc. They tend to be very small too so it’s easy to have a quick lunch break browse.

I buy a lot at charity shops but not everything. We live in a 5-10 minute walk of many shops. I call into one for 10-15 minutes a couple of times a week. If I see something I or the kids would want/need I pick it up. I also keep an eye out for the kids of a couple of friends who do same. I’d say in terms of party clothes, winter coats and school jumpers for kids close to 100% comes from charity shops, second hand stalls at school or passing things on between us. We also get a lot of other things second hand but I tend to buy things like school T-shirts/trousers, basics like plain leggings & joggers new as it’s unusual you find decent ones in right sizes. I could believe some people can manage to kit their kids out 100% from charity shops though and I think if you are around a size 12-14 you’d find a very wide selection of women’s stuff local to me. Bigger or smaller is a lot more limited. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t walk past charity shops every time I go to run an errand though. It wouldn’t feel worth going somewhere out of the way or taking a lot of time to do it

So let her not speak to you.

They are very varied here, even within the same town. Eg near us, there’s one I never go in as it’s mainly bric-a-brac, often sets of crockery with bits missing, old VHS videos, old cheap jewellery etc. A different one near us took me a while to realise it’s a charity shop as it’s so nice! Sells good quality clothing from mid-level high street brands and nice furniture. Everything is nicely spread out, not all crammed in like in some places.
each one is run by a different charity so there’s no “standard”.
once you know a good one, people do return often!

This.

The OP seems highly embellished.

OP, if you don't want stuff from charity shops, just tell her/quietly bin it. No need to exaggerate on here to make her more of a villian.

Removed as duplication!

Stuff in a lot of charity shops are overpriced these days, mainly because of professional thrifters/resellers. People obsessively go from shop to shop first thing and hoover up all the half decent stuff so that people who genuinely need to use charity shops through necessity are left with the barely passing clothes and plastic tat.

Some stuff in Next kids may well be £27 but a lots of basics will be around ten and sold in the charity shop used for nearly full price because it has a name on it.

The only good things you can find in charity shops are kids books because not many people understood the value in a book that you can’t put a price on!

I see you don't have an answer to my questions about her MIL's motivation for this behaviour. I don't think her MIL is kind.

….. and I have just donated a lovely pair of shoes (too high for someone like me who is mostly in flip flops) to BHF which were gratefully accepted 😊

I love the concept of giving items a whole new life.

This!!!!!!!!!

Lots of mean people out today I see.

I think the bottom line is you just don't like your MIL.

I agree. She might be more environmentally friendly, but she’s buying stuff that doesn’t get used. Somebody else might buy one of those items, and actually use it!
She doesn’t have to go to Primark and buy loads of fresh tat. But she has can afford to buy a new, meaningful gift. Think handmade locally, doesn’t need to be expensive.

Yes I’m wondering where are all these charity shops selling dirty and ripped underwear and clothes.

None of the local charity shops take underwear, even if its still in its packaging unopened. Nor do they sell dirty or ripped or stinking clothes those go to the rag recycling. This is standard policy for every chain of charity shops IME.

Sorry, but I don't agree that the OP should have to put up with accepting stuff her MIL buys from charity shops. She is not a snob because she does not like what she is given. It may not be her thing. Also, the MIL buying stuff fulfils her need to control and it also feeds her need for a dopamine rush she gets from buying 'stuff'. I would well and truly put a stop to it. Why should the OP have to go through the charade of being grateful and then passing it on again or indeed 'chucking' it? I would be honest yet polite and say we have enough 'stuff' and are having a good clear out as I speak. Good luck OP!

If you had put a vote in, I would have said YANBU. Stained or smelly stuff is grim. Who gets knickers from a charity shop? I was also under the impression that small children should not wear second hand shoes because they will have moulded to the previous user's feet and can affect the new user's gait. Happy to be corrected if I am misinformed about this. I routinely both give out and receive second hand clothes from and for my kids to/ from friends and relatives. I hate waste. But charity shopping is a choice and should not be forced on someone, especially with massive amounts of stuff you simply didn't ask for.