Is this normal for grief?

When my Mum lost her brother young, in a sudden accident, she was told that it is one of the most traumatic bereavements after losing a child. You expect to outlive your parents but expect your siblings to be around forever.

Siblings often have to deal with the grief of their parents while grieving themselves. It can alter their relationships with their parents and other siblings or leave them feeling adrift with no close family if they no longer have their parents especially if they don't have other siblings. Your sibling is often the last link you have to your childhood, the last person who has always been there and who loves you unconditionally.

They can also feel forgotten because they aren't the principal mourners but have known and been close to their sibling for their whole life.

Please be kind to yourself and explore the help that is available to you.

It definitely is normal. I can understand how difficult it is for you as your sister was so very young, heartbreaking. My cousin died in March of last year and I dreamed of her for a long time (pleasant dreams), not for a while now. I also had conversations with her in my head, we used to talk so often. I grew up next door to her so she was more like an older sister. I'm only saying this to illustrate that is a normal part of grief, otherwise there is no comparison, my cousin was elderly.

In time, your dreams will cease, for now take comfort from them. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry, OP. Your sister was so young.

I had horrible dreams after my father died for a while. Looking back, I think now that I was in shock for quite a while (he was in remission and it wasn't expected). It took a long time to stop picturing him with the oxygen mask on and thinking about what he went through.

Someone very wise told me to forget all the nonsense that you hear people say about it taking a year to feel better. It took me almost a decade to be able to feel happiness fully again. I smile when I think of him now and the image that comes to mind is the young him, when I was a child.

I lost a parent in a really traumatic way in my early twenties and often find myself feeling so envious of anyone who gets to lose a grandparent who is elderly. Not something I'd share with someone who's had that loss and I know it sounds awful but it just feels so unfair. I'm equally sure anyone who'd lost a child would feel the same way about me if they saw me grieve my mum. Grief is so complex and messy and something all of us get to go through.

Yep, totally normal. Grief is a difficult journey.

People can often rush to suggest bereavement counselling but most counsellors wouldn't offer this when it's been such a short period of time after the loss, you need time to go through the very normal adjustment period without interference if that makes sense. Lean on the things that help you cope, and don't try hide from the grief. You have to go through it to come out the other side. You can't dodge it.

Very normal. I am going through the same as you. My 21 year old daughter died unexpectedly last November. It’s a living nightmare. Go easy on yourself x

I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a sibling is a different kind of grief imo. I lost my sister in 2020, 6 weeks after cancer was diagnosed. It would have been her birthday on Sunday and I've struggled.

Look after yourself and do whatever you need to get through.

Yes this is normal. It sounds like it was traumatic. While it is upsetting losing grandparents, assuming they lived to a reasonable old age, it's not as upsetting as losing someone young and relatively suddenly. It doesn't sound like you had much time to get your head around it before your sister was gone. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think it would be worth you speaking to a counsellor to help make sense of what you and your fanily have been through and hopefully they can give you some tools to help you.

They had specified formal periods of mourning, where nobody expected you to pull yourself together and go on as normal, but were allowed to grieve quietly at home.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and to others in the thread too. Reading this I just wanted to recommend a book called The Loss of a Lifetime by Lynn Shattuck - it just came out and it’s specifically about sibling loss. I read something on Instagram about it (someone I follow contributed a chapter to it) so I wanted to mention it in case it could be helpful. Apparently Lynn Shattuck writes on Instagram about sibling grief so might also be helpful. Sending you lots of love.

This is normal. It wasn’t until seven years had passed that I one day realised I had processed my parents’ deaths and tbh I don’t think my siblings ever really have (they have tended to bury their feelings). I could function normally before that but I was still grieving. A part of us always does and in your case it is increased because we expect our parents to go before us but not our siblings. You are coming to terms with the enormity of losing your sister. Don’t put pressure on yourself but it might help to talk to someone professional. I did and it helped enormously ❤️

Grief is personal.

Everyone mourns their own way.

It's ok to feel like you do. Counselling may help you if you feel like you want help.

Lost my only sibling to cancer just over 5 years ago. He was older - in his early 60s - but still too young to go. Since then, both parents have gone. I feel great sadness for my parents, but they were both over 90 and that fact alone is a great help. The loss of my bro was and is still, on occasion, very difficult.

Dont be afraid to get counselling. My DS has had some too. My particular difficulty is with the cancer and how this changed him from super fit much older sibling into someone who would leave too soon. The lesser but not inconsiderable thing is the very much baby of the family is last woman standing of the family group. I probably expected to be, but not yet

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is normal and it's still early days in the scheme of things. I haven't experienced what you have but my first baby died years ago and I would say I function normally but sometimes I fall apart and feel like I'll never be okay again. I always bounce back to normal (or a new normal) but counselling helped me. I also found support groups helpful. Have you tried any grief groups?

Why, what did the Victorians do?

I'm really sorry for your loss, and yes what you're feeling is totally understandable.

I lost my brother very suddenly just under two years ago, and sometimes I think it will never feel real to me that he's no longer here.

I joined a sibling bereavement group on Facebook which was helpful, somewhere where everyone else gets it I suppose.

So sorry for your loss. As others have said there is no normal where grief is concerned.

You may find The Good Grief Trust helpful - this is their page for those who have lost a sibling.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister OP. I'm not sure there is a 'normal' when it comes to grieving. I think it takes us all in different ways. I think you just have to allow yourself to feel how you feel and don't feel that it's wrong.

It sounds like the whole experience of your sister being ill and losing her so shockingly quickly has left you dealing with significant trauma - understandably. I would think about having some grief counselling, I think it's beneficial to be able to talk about your loss and dealing with your sister's illness and death with someone who won't judge and isn't emotionally involved.

I agree it’s normal. Knowing how desperately my only sibling wanted to live when we knew they wouldn’t was dreadful. I’m a few years on from their death, but I still have days when the horror of it all overwhelms me.

im sorry. Losing a sibling is incredibly hard.

I've only really experienced the loss of grandparents. Losing someone before their time feels completely different

I can relate to this OP. My brother died suddenly earlier this year and I've never felt such pain. I grieved for my grandparents but they died at the end of long lives and so it was easier to accept. I can't imagine ever accepting the loss of my brother. It doesn't feel real and I find myself reliving the day he died over and over again. It's torture.

Like you, I am functioning. I go to work, I look after my kids. People who know me would probably say I am coping. But there is always sadness now. I feel like a part of me is missing.

Have you tried counselling at all? I've had a few people suggest it to me but my grief still feels too raw. It is something I may consider in the future though.