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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

162 replies

User29482 · 30/06/2025 19:52

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/06/2025 21:29

InvitingMattress · 30/06/2025 20:08

Respectfully, OP, this is not the situation to bring another baby into. Mentally robust people with stable childhoods would struggle with three small children by the age of 21, and your partner has significant issues. He needs help and you need cast-iron contraception and to be ready to get you and your children out of harm’s way if he escalates to violence.

This.

I'd also say that with a parent who died by suicide and a previous suicide attempt already, your partner is statistically very vulnerable.

He is telling you he can't cope. You should listen.

Espressosummer · 30/06/2025 21:29

PolyCat · 30/06/2025 21:07

I didn't think I needed to state that the husband is a muppet as everyone else in the thread already did. She did have an implant for BC. But the other two yes- he was very selfish.

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You were suggesting the OP was selfish but ignored her partner's selfish behaviour. An implant (or any other type of hormonal contraceptive) is not enough if a person truly does not want and could not cope with a child. A man not using a condom but then trying to pressure his partner into an abortion is an incredibly selfish person. The risks of failure of contraceptives can be found with 10 seconds on Google, there is no excuse not to know it.

Duckyfondant · 30/06/2025 21:28

PinkyFlamingo · 30/06/2025 20:34

I'm sick to death of people like you, not really thinking of the kids at all....these poor kids will grow up likely to have emotional issues all of their own.

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And what a weird thing to say to a complete stranger. Reflects more on you than me, presuming to know more than you possibly can on the information given.

Espressosummer · 30/06/2025 21:23

Mrsttcno1 · 30/06/2025 21:05

OP has said she has the implant in, they weren’t having unprotected sex.

And you could equally argue that having a 3rd child at just 20 when as a family things aren’t great is also a selfish decision. A baby isn’t a decision only one person can make unless that person is proposing to go it alone.

The violence though is inexcusable, I would be gone the first time my husband did this, I wouldn’t be hanging around to find out when it became my face rather than the bench

Show quote history

Please re-read my comment, it wasnt that long. I said sex without a condom - men have a responsibility for their own fertility especially when they don't want a child. And hormonal contraceptives typically only have about a 90-95% success rate in real life - no one should be gambling on that if they really can't cope with another child.

A baby absolutely is a decision only one person can make. When a foetus has been created it is solely the pregnant woman's choice. The OP's partner had the choice to further minimise the risk of conception by using condoms. He chose not to. He now doesn't get to choose an abortion for his partner.

Agreed on the violence.

Midnightlove · 30/06/2025 21:18

Are you using contraception?? I'm not surprised he's stressed at the thought of a 3rd though, no sympathy for punching and breaking his hand

Bonbonthechewyone · 30/06/2025 21:14

I think that for two very young people, you've been through an awful lot. I do think that a third child is maybe pushing it at this stage. If he can't cope, he can't cope. I'd have thought financially too, it's a hell of a burden.

You have years ahead of you. You obviously care a lot about each other and it sounds like you're great parents. But sometimes there's a limit to what you can take on.

I've just yelled at the fridge after a very demanding shift at work so can't really judge your partner on his outburst. Just keep an eye on there.

Isometimeswonder · 30/06/2025 21:09

@User29482 I don't have advice but you sound very mature and articulate. Just being 20 doesn't mean you are irresponsible, no matter what some of the replies seem to suggest.

Llamasarellovely · 30/06/2025 21:09

Long term, bloody hell, stop having more children.

JustMyView13 · 30/06/2025 21:09

Espressosummer · 30/06/2025 21:02

Choosing to have sex without a condom when you know you are fertile and couldn't cope with another child is very selfish. Trying to push your girlfriend into an abortion she's not sure she wants is very selfish. Being violent in front of your girlfriend when she doesn't allow you to control her body is very selfish.

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And again, louder for anyone at the back!

PolyCat · 30/06/2025 21:07

Espressosummer · 30/06/2025 21:02

Choosing to have sex without a condom when you know you are fertile and couldn't cope with another child is very selfish. Trying to push your girlfriend into an abortion she's not sure she wants is very selfish. Being violent in front of your girlfriend when she doesn't allow you to control her body is very selfish.

Show quote history

I didn't think I needed to state that the husband is a muppet as everyone else in the thread already did. She did have an implant for BC. But the other two yes- he was very selfish.

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2025 21:06

You were 15 when you got pregnant with your first? And he was 16? You’ve done incredibly well to keep both dc, but having a 3rd is too much. Being so young, you can’t be earning huge amounts. You need to make a decision and whatever you decide, your contraception needs to be better in future.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/06/2025 21:05

Espressosummer · 30/06/2025 21:02

Choosing to have sex without a condom when you know you are fertile and couldn't cope with another child is very selfish. Trying to push your girlfriend into an abortion she's not sure she wants is very selfish. Being violent in front of your girlfriend when she doesn't allow you to control her body is very selfish.

Show quote history

OP has said she has the implant in, they weren’t having unprotected sex.

And you could equally argue that having a 3rd child at just 20 when as a family things aren’t great is also a selfish decision. A baby isn’t a decision only one person can make unless that person is proposing to go it alone.

The violence though is inexcusable, I would be gone the first time my husband did this, I wouldn’t be hanging around to find out when it became my face rather than the bench

Espressosummer · 30/06/2025 21:02

PolyCat · 30/06/2025 20:28

Your husband is telling you loud and clear that he can’t handle another child. He needs help as is with the two. Focus on him and your existing children. Having another one would be very selfish.

Choosing to have sex without a condom when you know you are fertile and couldn't cope with another child is very selfish. Trying to push your girlfriend into an abortion she's not sure she wants is very selfish. Being violent in front of your girlfriend when she doesn't allow you to control her body is very selfish.

Viviennemary · 30/06/2025 20:57

Third child at twenty. This is enough to stress anybody out. Especially with your difficult backgrounds

MoreChocPls · 30/06/2025 20:55

He needs to grow up. And 3 kids at 20! … start taking birth control.

InvitingMattress · 30/06/2025 20:54

User29482 · 30/06/2025 20:21

Just to say this pregnancy was 100% unplanned. I had the implant in, so it was a complete shock. I wasn’t being careless or anything and we definitely weren’t trying for another. I’ve always been on top of contraception since having our second.

Our kids are happy and very loved. They’re clean, fed, cuddled and doing great at nursery. I know it’s a lot for our age but we’ve done our best and I’m proud of how far we’ve come. It’s not like we’re dragging them up.

He works on scaffolding so now with his hand broken he can’t work either, which is just another thing to add to the pile. No sick pay cos it’s agency work so it’s all a bit crap.

Surely that’s another reason not to have another child?

Duckswaddle · 30/06/2025 20:51

I wouldn’t feel sorry for him either, what a thug. Make sure your children are safe if you’re going to stay with him. Which you shouldn’t.

Original poster
User29482 · 30/06/2025 20:51

Appreciate the replies – I knew I’d get a bit of a kicking posting on here but I wanted honest takes so fair enough.

Just to clear something up – he was actually in a good place after our eldest was born. That was honestly a turning point for him. He got on meds, started working again, really stepped up and we were stable. When we were TTC our second, things were really good. The youngest is 18 months now and that first year with two kids actually went better than I expected, I think because we were in a routine and he was doing well. The anniversary of his dad’s death is always a tough patch for him and I probably should’ve expected this time of year to hit him hard.

He sees his uncle and cousin quite a bit and they’re close. His uncle’s been more like a proper dad figure to him. He’s also in touch with his grandparents but it’s very rocky. They’re older and he wouldn’t ever talk to them about his mental health – he wouldn’t want to upset them or come across like he’s not coping.

I’ve got a couple of mates through work but we’re not super close. It’s mainly me and him dealing with everything and I think that’s part of the problem. We don’t really have that wider support net like some people do.

I get what people are saying about the anger – I’m not brushing it off. I was scared when he punched the worktop. He didn’t aim it at me or say anything threatening, but it still made me think “what if next time?” That’s why I came here, I need to figure out what this means long term.

OP posts:
amber763 · 30/06/2025 20:49

It's too much for him and he's not coping. Should he have punched the worktop? Of course not and he needs to seek help for his anger but I don't think bringing another child into this situation is wise at all. Take care of yourself

Yolo12345 · 30/06/2025 20:48

Darling you are 20 years old only, is that right? You may have been through a lot but you are very young and haven’t had much time to get to know yourself…

Feeling numb to it all worries me…bringing a third child is a lot of pressure on you both? Please may I gently ask whether you will be able to provide for this child? Will you have room? Will you get maternity leave through your work? Do you have any savings to see you through maternity leave. Does your partner work? Take care x

PeapodMcgee · 30/06/2025 20:45

I don't feel sorry for him. It's violence and intimidation. No excuse.

babyproblems · 30/06/2025 20:45

YANBU. However- I agree with pp that three kids is a lot; and you’re both very very young. It’s a lot on your plate for both of you. He seems like he already has a lot to work on and is not ready for so much. I think if you go ahead with baby, be prepared to do a lot yourself; and give him the space for counselling etc that he very clearly needs.

That does not remove all responsibility from him.. but more a consideration for you because likelyhood is you will end up doing this alone given your ages; could you manage 3 kids? Ive only had one because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay sane! Especially not if I found myself a single parent. He should’ve been using protection if he didn’t want another baby!!!

Hankunamatata · 30/06/2025 20:42

The jump from 2 to 3 is huge. I had 2 year age gap with my 3 and it nearly broken my marriage with number 3.

You need to think seriously and hard about a 3rd child

Sunshineandoranges · 30/06/2025 20:41

I think you are both doing well given the difficulties you’ve faced in life. He did wrong but I think you need to show him love and kindness now. I think I would seriously consider a termination now. You, your partner and your two children deserve some quality of life. Scaffolding is hard graft.

Foreverm0re · 30/06/2025 20:41

He is struggling and needs help. Not the environment for another baby at all. Too much, too young.

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