Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

This. I feel very sorry for him and the two children you already have OP. You are both far too young for any of this especially with your care backgrounds. You need to listen to him, before he actually does kill himself. Babies having babies. Very sad.

OP do you want to have the baby? There are lots of other issues at play here but do you want to keep the baby? Because the decision really is yours as the person carrying the baby. What happens after this will depend on the choice you make.

I think they both need support.
Bringing a baby into this situation/environment doesn’t seem like the wisest choice. To some extent, I do feel for men as the decision is totally out of their hands. Sounds like he was venting built up frustration and powerlessness. Often men with depression/anxiety present with these kind of behaviours, but are then shamed.

Not sure of your finances, but I would recommend you contact an organisation called Beacon House. They work with children and adults that have been through the care system - dealing with the trauma this often brings, and they also have some therapists that have a background in perinatal care for trauma sufferers (help you manage your emotions when you have your own children).

And this.

I think he’s crying out for help in all honesty.

Having another baby is a life-time's commitment. It's not something you say "oh sorry mate, you'll just have to suck it up because it's what I WANT".

She also needs to be responsible for her own actions which is being realistic about what an extra child will do the whole family on a whole range of levels.

Right now she's just thinking of herself. She's being selfish.

I think you're getting a rough time here OP. Everyone is fixated on your age instead of your question. If you added 10 years to your ages would people respond differently. Everyone assumes that young parents are awful when it's not true.
I've come across terrible older parents too who shouldn't have carried on having babies.

He's got alot going on mentally and now so have you. However this does need to be a joint decision. Is it possible to sit down together without the children and talk it through? Or arrange some counselling together to be able to have a third person to keep the conversation controlled. If this is the first time he has had an outburst I wouldn't be concerned about yourself but I would for him.
If he is absolutely against it I would consider his wishes.

I have 3 children myself and a third does seem to tip the balance.

And this again. I whole-heartedly agree.

This.

Hello,
would either or both you reach out to the Care Leavers Association. There is a men’s group for male care leavers. There is also support for parents who are care leavers. This is a small charity run by care leavers for care leavers. You would both be able to access advice, guidance and support. It is a way of connecting with others who are care experienced. It can help in all manner of ways just to be around those who do not judge and understand the additional pressures of navigating the world as a care leaver.
www.careleavers.com

Of course it's excusing him. When does he become responsible for his own actions and his past not be used as an excuse for his behaviour?

OP is 20, also grew up in care and I'm assuming hasn't managed to break her hand in temper. My empathy is with her and the children.

Equally forcing someone to have a child they don't want isn't right either.

I think the OP is being unfair here.

She's got a partner who has tried to kill himself.

And yet she's more interested in creating another life than keeping him alive so the other kids actually DO HAVE A FATHER. Rather than all 3 without a dad, without a second income.

Sorry OP but I think saying you're just going ahead and it's for him to deal with isn't fair.

He thought he was in the clear, you are handling the contraception. Whether or not it should be all on the woman to handle this is another question - but he hasn't been irresponsible. Neither of have you been.

I don't think you get an exclusive choice on this - even though of course you do, because it's your body, but taking away that control and choice from him is poor form. You haven't really given him a choice, just told him that it's probably going to be baby number 3.

I don't have great mental health. A third baby would have obliterated me.

He's lashing out because he feels out of his depth. When people get angry it's because they don't feel heard.

I'll probably get shouted at a lot now on here by people telling me I'm wrong. That he's wrong etc.

I don't see why you'd ignore someone who is cracking and be so blank about it. Especially with his history.

Yes he's stupid to have lashed out but you also didn't listen to him. You just made a choice for both of you.

YANBU but neither is he. It sounds like despite an incredibly rough time he’s currently doing ok, and a 3rd unplanned baby could well ruin all that for him, and he doesn’t get a say in it. That must be incredibly tough for him. I’m not saying he should get a say, but you’ve both been foolish to allow this to happen, and you need to think about what it could be like to raise 3 kids on your own at such a young age, can you give them everything they need and deserve really?

I think you need to listen to him. He can’t cope with another kid. Look after the ones you’ve got.

I don't understand why you think the children aren't well cared for. Nothing in the OPs posts suggest this. You're quite obviously being judgemental based on the OPs age and background, which you should be ashamed of.
Your attitude won't help the OP or the kids. Hypocrite.

Poor kids being raised by kids… no wonder he’s overwhelmed

We have 3 children, the 3rd was unexpected. It's been hard, I'm sure you would love any child you conceive but the fact is you're only 20 and already have two young children. Your oh currently can't work, I'm assuming you don't work and it sounds like there's enough issues as it is relating to the trauma you both went through as children.

Are you thinking ahead? School uniforms are expensive, it's another mouth to feed and will mean less time for the two you already have. Do you have enough space? We are struggling to find a bigger house to rent and have our 3rd still in our bedroom with us.
I've no doubt you have enough love to give but can you truly provide for another?
They don't stay babies....everything gets more expensive as they grow !

You need to think practically and about the amount of strain a 3rd child could put on your relationship.

Stop having babies!

You've both been in care - what kind of life do you want for your children? It is clear to everyone else that he is not emotionally stable!

I agree with this. It shows maturity.

You are right, once again his actions have consequences. Stay a bit detached and don't get drawn in too far. He needs further input and counselling though by the sounds of it.

You’re focused on OPs husband’s past behavior, I’m focused on OP’s future behavior. Both important topics. I never claimed to be covering every possible side of the issue. I tend to be a look forward type of person and we are two different people. I agreed with your thoughts on the husband, please stop responding to me now, thanks.

OP stated they were on the implant which has failed them.
If a 3rd was so awful as to warrant this reaction, he ought to have (and to) consider the snip. He seems otherwise at ease with medical procedures as a solution for unplanned pregnancies.

You’ve ’never tolerated people who have ……….’ Bully for you.
Im not excusing him but he punched a worktop, not a person, didn’t kick the cat, the only person he physically hurt was himself.
Hes 21, holding down a job , supporting OP and two kids after his Dad killed himself when he was a small child and he grew up in care.
And you condemn him in a patronising manner saying it’s ‘designed to control and keep you quiet’!!
He’s 21 ffs!! He wasn’t trying to ‘control and keep her quiet’! He’s clearly stressed, anxious and frustrated and at 21 his brain hasn’t even finished maturing yet.
Where is your empathy for him??
He’s already tried to commit suicide once (incidentally, children who loose a parent to suicide are much more likely to kill them selves than one who hasn’t).

OP - if you are not anti abortion then you seriously need to think long and hard before continuing this pregnancy.
Better for your two children to have a dad than have three children without one. Three children by the time you are 20 is a massive strain on your relationship and he clearly cannot cope with more children .
You both will have issues you need to work through with counselling & support plus you have two little ones to look after already.
Think about this sensibly - and for goodness sake speak to your GP about contraception or you will end up with 6 kids at 25 at this rate.

@User29482 so you had your first child at 16, actively ttc your second at 18 and now pregnant with your third at 20?

do you work ? Have your own home? Have any qualifications? Your poor partner , it must be overwhelming, potentially 3 kids at 21 and limited family
support.

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?
@User29482

YANBU, your feelings are healthy and normal.

But you need to leave this man. It's irrelevant that he's struggling, irrelevant that there are understandable reasons based on background in care. Irrelevant that he's not actually hitting you yet. What's relevant is that he has violent urges he can't control, and the effect of violent behaviour around very young children. It's really really scary and disturbing, and leads to them then having long term issues. Don't inflict this on your babies, please.

You need to protect them and protect yourself.