Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

This is very apt

Reading your posts OP I think you'll make the best decisions you can at the given time. I'm sorry you've both had such tough times and it sounds like you tend to work through them as well as you can. I know pregnancy is time sensitive but taking a week or so to let everything settle a bit wouldn't be the worst idea.

Would you honestly say those words to a friend, in real life?

Last apparently.

Hi OP I don’t have any advice really but I just wanted to comment on how composed and articulate you sound. You seem well equipped to navigate this situation and I wish you all the best.

Where does she fit into this equation?

You sound incredibly sensible to rethink how things actually are.

Raised cortisol (when you're frightened as you said you were when he was violent and hurt the counter - let's not pretend it wasn't violence) has long term health implications for the child you are carrying. If this continues ,as it will, then you are choosing long term health implications for that child.

You cannot "good parent" your way out of the long term damage for all your children.

Having a terrible history yourself is not carte Blanche to perpetrate a terrible history for your own children.

Lots of the posters, including myself, are speaking from experience.

I just want to say that you sound lovely OP. You have obviously both been through a lot. I hope that this shocks him and that he can get more help. I definitely don’t think you should feel bad about being unsympathetic; you sound exceptionally caring and understanding.

She didn't get pregnant all by herself you know. I'm not sure why you only feel sorry for him like it's all down to pesky OP getting herself pregnant 3 times.

I agree it's too .uch to cope with. The pair of you have hardly had life yet and a hard upbringing. Is this really what you want? It could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

It’s really not. They are far too young, the statistics of young men taking their own lives say it all. They really need to look after each other.

If you have a termination just because he doesn't want another one yet , and you want to keep it , I think the relationship will not survive.
But this is not a healthy environment to bring a child into and will add more pressure.
If you decide to keep this baby then I would get sterilised after and agree with him that this is what you will do.
You need to wait until you are both calm before talking through your options , so maybe wait until the anniversary has passed.
You need your children to have a stable home environment and to not have the upbringing that you both had.
I wish you both so much luck for your future.

@User29482 I don't know where you are, but my local council continue to provide support for care leavers up to age 25. Leaving aside all the bickering and finger pointing in many directions this thread has provoked, I would make contact with your personal adviser there and work through all the issues your current situation presents. They will be able to help unpick everything, armed with more detailed knowledge of both of you and your backgrounds than will ever come across on MN, where people make a snap judgement of entire personalities and relationships based on a few lines with their own spin laid over the top.

Yes, I've noticed this happens all the time with very little pushback.

Dreadful thing to say.

I would say its important to recognise that irregardless of the reason behind it, his behaviour in that moment was abusive. Smashing and punching things in someone's vicinity is assault even if they don't actually touch you. So it's important you both realise that he's been abusive towards you. I think the thing now is whether or not he steps up to deal with it. He needs to hold himself fully accountable. He needs to acknowledge that the stress and emotional pressure he's under is not an excuse to act in this way around you or anyone else. He needs to get himself to ongoing therapy and commit to doing the work and really look at communication and emotional regulation.

I think it's also really important to say OP that it would be very understandable if you left him over this. For me this would be a major, major red flag and you need to be very careful that you don't get so caught up in what's going on for him emotionally that you end up losing sight of the behaviour which is very concerning. Its important to support a partner who's having a hard time, but not to excuse them - you each still need to be accountable to one another and even if he's having a hard time this is his fuck up to fix. Temptation will be to rescue him out of it because of his family history and mental health history but if you do that, you're sending the message that it's ok with you if he lashes out when he's struggling. This can never ever happen again.

I think you need to seriously consider your options if you can continue with the pregnancy without him and end the relationship. Unfortunately he's very clearly demonstrated that he's not in the place where he can deal with another child so it really comes down to whether you can feel at peace with a termination or whether you need to end the relationship and continue the pregnancy without him. What you cannot do, is just continue as you are because your existing kids need stability and security which means two stable and secure parents.

You have options op but you need to put your children and yourself first - it's his job to step up and show that with actions not words. Would it help to take space from each other to have a chance to really think about what you want and need.

Has he ever shown abusive/ manipulative/ gaslighting tendencies in the past? If he has genuinely never ever been in any way abusive/controlling before now then couples counselling/mediation might be an option but I'm hesitant to suggest it because he's acted abusively towards you now.

Quite. Morally, it's her body, her choice and no amount of shouting, crying, violence, self harm or other means to try and coerce her to obey his wishes is of any relevance to her decision.

Look his dad died by suicide when he was 8, you had a presumably unplanned pregnancy when he was 15 which led to him attempting suicide, and you thought the anniversary of his dad’s suicide was a good time to tell him you are pregnant again unplanned. Multiple triggers there for someone who doesn’t have the securest of support systems anyway having grown up in care and that’s leaving aside any financial pressures having 3 under 5 will present when he will be 22 and presumably not earning much and I doubt you’ve also got much of a work history either.

I think the guy needs A LOT of support here. More than you if I’m honest. You can choose whether to keep the child or not but he has to live with the consequences of your decision when he clearly can’t cope with that level of pressure. He didn’t hit you, he self harmed in acute distress. It’s up to you whether you support him or not but if he does the same as his dad you’ll be left with 3 young kids on your own. Is that what you really want?

OP for what it is worth, it sounds like you've both had very challenging starts in life, but that you're making an excellent go of it and it sounds like you have an otherwise solid and lovely family.

This is despicable. The OP has said she really doesn't feel she could go through with it. The OP has said this was the cause of the argument with her partner. When on earth did it become so ok to coerce women into having abortions? To shame them as poor parents for not considering the older two children. Because people lose their minds on threads where a woman says she would like an abortion and someone suggests she reconsider. The OP has been clear, she can make her own mind up without Internet strangers who won't live the lifetime that comes after whatever decision is made.

FFS, she's only just found out she's pregnant, and her instinct is to not have an abortion. Give her a fucking chance before you judge her as selfish, she's allowed her own feelings and emotions. He punched a kitchen counter, I dont see OP reacting so violently, but she's not even allowed to voice her feelings? Getting an abortion is not an easy choice for everyone.

This sounds good ⬆️

and it isn't something you have a tantrum about when your partner doesn't immediately jump because you say so.

A discussion needs to happen without childish tantrums and he does need to accept that it is OP's body and she does have the final decision as OP may also need to accept that having the baby may mean the end of the relationship and becoming a single parent to 3 kids.