Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

Op please discuss this with your midwife she can signpost you both to appropriate support

You don't get to respond to my post and then demand I not respond back. And this isn't the partner's past behaviour. It is his current behaviour,not taking contraception seriously and then using threats to try to coerce his girlfriend into an abortion. You are not forward looking, you are just minimising.

And you don't need to know more than to have the flexibility of thought required that this shit show will affect the kids as they grow.

No it doesn't. You said the original comment was unknown when it wasn't in tne slightest. That's all on you.

OP didn't get herself pregnant 3 times. I'm sure that her partner is well aware that condoms exist. I'm not sure why you seem to think that the pregnancies are all on OP.

There’s no point arguing about termination if that’s not what you want to do. It’s up to you, and if you don’t want to for whatever reason that’s your choice. Pro-choice means the woman’s choice any time for any reason.

Your partner obviously needs help and whether he stays with you should depend on whether he seeks it. Your children have now experienced violence. It must never happen again. He must seek help and do the work to recover. If he does not immediately commit to this he must leave.

The second issue is financial and I’m sure you know your children are at high risk of a lifetime of poverty. Take every bit of help
you can find anywhere to secure your future in work, so that you can support your children. Your partner has jeopardised them financially as well as emotionally and psychologically. This can be fixed but only with significant work by you both. Do not let him damage your children the way you were both damaged.

You’re right he probably will and so shall OP. Being a care leaver never stops despite an arbitrary number of statutory support ending at 25.

This thread is not about me. I know plenty about real life having been on my own since 16.

I tried to die by suicide at the age of 30 and spent time in a psych ward have been unemployed etc… struggled significantly due to what I experienced in the care system.
I am now mid-forties and an academic and duel professional. Sadly care leavers are the ones that start adult life's at a young age, while thier peers are still in the care of thier families. I am not advising the OP to either continue the pregnancy or terminate. They both need time to settle and make a decision that is best for them and their children.

As an actual care leaver I am advising them to reach out to the men and women who are actually care experienced themselves for support during this challenging time. Support that is offered without judgment from those who actually understand what it means to be a care leaver.

I agree he needs more support. He’ll probably need it his whole life.

OK they started young, but they are a family. The children are nicely spaced. She says the relationship is solid, which indicates that she understands her partner’s complex mental health issues and is good at managing them. She honestly sounds a lot more mature than many people twice her age. She wants to keep the baby, so she should keep it. And preferably get married too, to protect her young family.

Who do you think you are? The reform counsellor who suggests that children in care and care leavers are all evil. Therefore a care leaver must automatically be a danger to thier own child.

OP is clearly reaching out for advice and guidance recognising the challenge she is facing. I hate to tell you this care leavers of all sexes, parents/non-parents and ages are coming together to support each other and demonstrate the success they are making of their lives despite the significant challenges they have.

Get off your high horse, unless you have been in care and navigated transitioning into an adult’s life at a young age having survived the care system.

I’ve been there and yes, it’s terrifying.

And now these children are living in an environment where there’s one part-time wage coming in, and soon there’ll be 5 mouths to feed with it.

OP, you sound sensible. Best of luck making a decision about your relationship, but please, please protect your children. If you choose to put up with your boyfriend’s behaviour, you’re choosing for them to have to live with it too.

It’s so scary being little and hearing things thrown, objects punched, voices raised.

his reaction was not justified but 3 kids at 20 is a lot??? He is obviously overwhelmed with the two already, he’s got a lot on his plate and another in the mix. Violence is never the answer but it doesn’t seem like you actually care about his struggles or anything. He’s juggling a lot, you state he’s a good dad so he works and when not working he’s taking care of the kids - whilst struggling with mental health. People don’t understand that mh can cause physical problems too, exhaustion being one of the main symptoms. Maybe speak to him and see what he’s going through. In all honesty, it seems like you’re going to have this baby and then end up a single mum because he won’t be able to cope so many think about that

Op, I am in awe at your maturity, at only 20. Plus you come across as a very intelligent and balanced person.

You and your partner have both been dealt a tough life. But your attitude makes me think you’ll work through this and you will be ok. You do have youth and energy on your side, and this will help carry you.

He obviously needed to vent, and did so very badly, and he’s paying the price now (no need for you to feel badly !).

But you do say hes not usually like this. so hopefully you’ll come through this.

I have to say most, if not all of us have done stupid things, especially in our teens/early 20s! Loads of us would freak out at an unplanned third child. We might not go breaking our hands, but most of us also haven’t lost a parent to suicide (with the anniversary as imminent).

You both have so much going on! I also hope there’s someone in real life that you can talk to.

A third child would be crazy at the moment. You are both really young and he is clearly feeling an awful lot of pressure having to provide for everyone. The difference difference between between two and three is enormous. Give the two children you have the best possible chance in life and stop having more children now. Focus on them for now and then on getting yourself a job when they are old enough to go to school.

I had my third, unplanned, baby with similar age gaps so I know how you will feel. When I found out I was pregnant at 4 months, I’d not started my periods again after number 2 so it took me a while to realise I was pregnant! My daughter was not quite 14 months old when the baby was born and my eldest was just short of 4 years old. My husband also wanted me to have a termination but I knew I would not be able to go through with one however “ inconvenient” another baby was.

It was a frantic first year with all three but we coped, I was a SAHM for a few years as the cost of childcare for two babies and wrap around school care was way more than I could earn. We just got on with it, once the baby arrived my husband helped as much as he could although he worked away a lot, sometimes for six weeks at a time so I had the lions share of the chid care.

We also moved house when baby was six months old when my husband got promoted and we had to move from Reading to Birmingham. Luckily this was nearer to both sets of grandparents who lived in Manchester, which was very useful when three weeks after we moved the baby got meningitis and ended up in intensive care for a month - total nightmare!

Now, although we did get divorced about 12 years after this ( a vert toxic divorce as well) I can honestly say that my ex has never expressed regret at having a third child so soon and I actually think the youngest is his favourite child - possibly because he was so poorly and we almost lost him. Not that the children are aware of this, all three are loved by both of us and we are very close despite living far apart now.

So, please think carefully and don’t feel pressured into making a decision you might regret, hopefully your husband will come to accept your pregnancy and support you as mine did.

Best of luck what ever you decide to do.

Her husband has attempted suicide before, they now have no income and they have a third baby on the way. He's said he can't cope, it's best to listen to that. I'm assuming you've never lost anyone to suicide. OP and her husband have done very well so far, so best not to blow it all up now. It's not being mean, it's being real.

Thank you @PeapodMcgee, I am disgusted at the attitude of some of the posters on here. I do not condone violence in any manner. I understand the OP has concerns about her partner. Which is why she should reach out to the Care Leaver community. We are not judgemental the way others who have no clue what is like to be a care leaver. OP, you should be exceptionally proud of yourself to be raising your children and holding down a job. Please do reach out to the Care Leavers Association there are women who can support you and your family.

What's the point of telling the OP that she's damaged her child by getting stressed - to stress her out more? To encourage her to have an abortion? To leave him immediately?

She's not living in Gaza, her child is not going to be irreparably damaged by this one-off event, what woman manages to sail through pregnancy without a worry in the world?

I went through a break-up - with shouting! - and a house move and my child was not irreparably damaged.

The OP has shown incredible resilience, you're a real shit to try to make her worry that she's harmed her baby. Just how much responsibility is a mother supposed to take?

You should be very proud of how you've turned your life around and what a great mum you are.

YANBU at all it sounds like you’ve got so much on your plate and your reaction is completely human he’s clearly struggling and it’s sad but breaking his hand was his choice and you’re allowed to feel numb and overwhelmed that doesn’t mean you don’t care it just means you’re trying to cope too

It's really fucking rude to tell a woman what to do with her own body. She's not asking for pregnancy advice.

As a survivor of the care system, OP has more resilience than the bloody lot of you. Don't be so shitting patronising. You sound like idiots.

You should have a termination, think about the two children you already have. He also needs to get a vasectomy.