Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

Sending me a PM demanding I leave you the "fuck alone" because I responded when you quoted me in a post is pretty pathetic. If you didn't want to engage with the point I made, you shouldn't have quoted me. You clearly think nobody should have the right to reply when you twist their posts. Funny how the wording in your PM was so much worse than on this thread where others could read it.

You don't have to be perfect to not be aggressive to your partner in an argument.

OP is also a care leaver who was exposed to god knows what and her brain also hasn't yet finished maturing, she's actually a year younger than him. Why is he excused but she's selfish for having feelings? Feelings that she somehow managed to have without throwing things?

It’s not a tantrum - it’s the actions of a young adult whose brain hasn’t yet finished maturing who is terrified and utterly overwhelmed who for a moment lost his temper.
I suppose you are utterly perfect and have never known anyone who has lost their temper?
Must get chilly up there looking down on everyone.
And yes I am excusing him as I dread to think what he was exposed to being in care - behaviour is learned by what we have been exposed to.

I think people are being very unkind on here. We have a young woman in a very difficult situation here reaching out for support.

Agree with this. Most people don't have the perfect circumstances when they have children and many people have unplanned children. Life can be messy, that's the nature of it. The OP sounds like she's got her head screwed on.

I hope that you are OK OP. I am shocked by some of these responses. Some of the best parents I know have been really young and some who have struggled the most are those who sound ideal on paper. Your wisdom and empathy shine through in your posts. Life is complicated and can be messy and all any of us can do is our best. Again, I wish you the very best and you have my respect for how brilliantly you have done so far. 🥰

There's a hell of a lot more to being a 'good' parent than cleaning, feeding and cuddling your baby.

While you maybe don't feel you could have a termination, the alternative isn't going to be a pretty. It won't be miraculous healing of his mental health and happy placid homelife. It's going to be stressful, difficult and maybe consist of you being a single parent. Terminations aren't easy but you need to be realistic about your future.

I’m sorry that your sudden unplanned pregnancy has upset your family stability OP. You were doing so well as a family unit and the children were thriving with two loving parents …just as it should be. A model family after your own difficult childhoods in care, it shows that you are capable and determined to support yourselves emotionally and financially, albeit still being very young for parenthood.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel little sympathy for the pain of his broken hand. But in fact I think that in reality, his regrettable angry reaction shows he was probably only just holding it together anyway. He needs to turn to professional suppport.

Your bubble has been broken as well as his hand so lots of thinking for you to do now in order to get back onto an even keel for your two little ones.

The bottom line for me would be a financial one. It’s easy to think that a new baby costs nothing when you already have the equipment and if you would be breast feeding. But in fact your income would stop for a while and your partner will now find it difficult to find work with a broken hand so you are in a very vulnerable position again.

The long term costs of three children must also be considered and planned for from birth, remembering that you have no support or financial back up from your parents to prop you up when the hard times crop up, as they do periodically.

You have launched yourselves wonderfully well given your challenging starts in life and I understand the difficulty in facing a termination.
Please talk your situation through with professionals who can listen and advise properly.

I absolutely understand that you love him but I think because of this and your background, I don't think you realise just how far from normal this is for most people.

Many people live lives where their partners would never do that. We all have trauma, I know his is difficult for him, I'm absolutely not minimising that, but there comes a point where we need to accept the hand we were dealt and actively decide to move our lives forward and put our kids lives first so that damage doesnt do damage. Some people never get to grips with that and they are the ones who end up with alcohol, substance or violence issues.

Given you are already in deep with him, I understand you want to make this work but he needs counselling and to make a committed change now.

What an awful post.

My niece was pregnant at 15. The father stood by her, and they grew into fantastic parents of, eventually, three children. They are now 40, and all their lives have both been incredibly hard workers, devoted to each other and their children.

How dare you say OP "has no business" having her children and "shouldn't have been allowed"?

This.
I would encourage OP to consider carefully if she could cope with 3 children. Especially if she were to end up a single mother.

Look to the future at life with three expensive kids, maybe as a single parent.
Would a termination actually be for the best?

Why should she get sterilised? It's far more invasive for a woman. She's very young. And overriding all those factors - HE is the one who doesn't want more kids. He's happy to participate in their creation though - this ain't on her.

I see why you’re finding it hard to feel sympathy. My partner punched a sofa once (not related to me and it was certainly an anger inducing moment). Turns out it was a sofa bed with a metal frame.

I did struggle with the sympathy initially (I was angry myself he had self injured himself out of work!). But did felt very sorry for him in the end because hand injuries are really not good. There’s a chance this affects him for years if not forever and worst case he may not be able to work scaffold.

You need to get this fixed and see what the doctors say. The pregnancy your decision but personally I wouldn’t go for 3.

In your situation, three small children at 20 and 21 sounds too much for your partner - I mean it sounds a lot for anybody but in your circumstances it seems just too much. And for you, it might not be his fault, but I imagine you take a lot of the daily load. Is a third child something you want or will it wreck your current life? You might well end up with three children on your own. Children also don't automatically launch at 18 after a stress free schooling - teenagers are even more needy in many ways than small children and much more expensive. I think I'd be doubling up on contraception in future because it sounds like you were very unlucky with the implant failing.

Wait... you were actually trying to conceive? At just 18 years old? Unmarried, a teenager and basically a child yourself, and you were actually deliberately planning to get pregnant? I'm sorry but something has gone very wrong with your care when not only were you allowed to keep a child at 15, but then thought it was a good idea to try for another one? That is beyond irresponsible. The mature, responsible thing to do would be to terminate. And then get on strong, good contraception. And preferably leave your 'D' partner. You are in a dysfunctional relationship with a violent and unstable man and your 2 children that didn't ask to be born deserve better than living in that atmosphere. You have no business having children at 15, and having a third at 20. That's disgusting, sorry but it is. Please give proper care to the 2 you already have, especially as they are being brought up in an unstable and violent home. Please, please don't bring another kid into this mess. Please.

That was really unnecessary imagery, shame on you. Also, they were using contraception. Please remove your post.

You have tried hard, it isn’t your fault contraception failed. If he doesn’t want another child he should also take responsibility and have the snip and be tested afterwards to be sure he isn’t fertile.

Blimey, my doctor was telling me today that the implant is over 99.9% effective unless taking certain medications or antibiotics which might not cause it work properly. I’ll rethink that!

i came on here to say exactly this, OP.

I absolutely wish OP and her family the best and hope they get the help they need. Sadly, I don't think adding another child and the pressure that will bring to the mix could have any positive outcome.

Behaviour like this can be domestic abuse, however, given that this isn’t a pattern of behaviour and you haven’t identified any other abusive behaviours it sounds more like him having difficulties regulating his emotions. I’d therefore be on the look out now for any signs of him struggling with the children, as if he is struggling he may lack patience, be snappy and irritable etc, and worst case scenario lash out at them. Obviously that would negatively impact your children. I’d also be concerned about any use of drugs and alcohol while he’s struggling, as that will only increase the risk.

In terms of your response I think it’s reasonable to struggle with sympathy. I think you instead need to be really clear about what’s acceptable behaviour and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t sort himself out. For instance you might tell him you feel for him that it’s a difficult time of year and this news may have caused him to feel very stressed, but you won’t let your children be exposed to behaviour like that or let him risk your children being in your care, and if you see it again he’ll be asked to move out with no guarantees he could earn your trust back to come home. I’d tell him it’s on him to seek support with how to cope better but you’ll support him if that’s what he wants.

This is a really vile post. You are basically telling a very vulnerable poster that if she doesn't get an abortion against her will and her partner commits suicide, then she is to blame.

Your other post was equally disgusting. "Having another baby is a life-time's commitment. It's not something you say "oh sorry mate, you'll just have to suck it up because it's what I WANT"." But you think it works the other way? Oh sorry love, you don't want an abortion ? Well you'll just have to suck it up because it's what I WANT.

The OP is vulnerable too, not just her partner. They are both care leavers with all the trauma that goes along with that. She is also pregnant. They both need to reach out for support. They also need to have a calm discussion together. And the partner needs to recognise he has an equal (if not greater) part in creating this baby. He doesn't get to lash out because he chose to have sex without a condom.