To think that being estranged or no contact by choice really triggers something in people?

Or

1. They have had someone in their own life just walk away, and have witnessed the hurt and upset it has caused.

I think it is a brave and difficult thing to do.
Invariably it is an action of last resort.

What I found having taken the decision to go NC, I had very little interest in people who soldier on taking bullshit from family, friends and relatives.

I had cut the toxic out of my life and I wasn't interested in listening to people go on and on about the awful people in their lives, ad infinitum, without taking action.

I appreciate that is very judgemental, but its the truth.

I also have zero interest in explaining myself or my reasons to anyone.
No one's business at all.
But there is a type that cannot consternance nor conceive, that all families thrive no matter what.

Such a dim narrow minded view of families is to be wholly avoided, IMO.

I agree, I think there is a worrying trend of people going NC because their parents weren't perfect. In my brothers case, it's all reinforced by his friends who he only keeps around if they agree with him, everyone else is discarded. It's very main character syndrome.

I went NC with my DM two years ago and the general consensus within the wider family was that “you only get one mother” and that I was being over-dramatic. Interestingly my close friends were all completely understanding and supportive.

@ValBiroThanks! My sister’s behaviour towards me has always been horrific from a young age she was desperately resentful and jealous of the amount of attention I received due to my disability but she never grew up and continued to perpetrate this nastiness towards me into adulthood, she’s nearly 50 and hasn’t stopped, ever, it’s like dealing with a child. For some of the worst of it, it was a legal adult bullying a teenager! I’ll never willingly see her again after DM dies and I’m fucked if I’ll let anyone tell me I’m wrong for that.

I think it only triggers something in people who have problems themselves. It’s the ones who doth protest too much.

That said, I’m NC with my family and I’ve never really had a negative comment about it from anyone. For the rare person who doesn’t know the story, when I tell them, they are like holy hell, what awful people! I’d never speak to them again either. Anyone who was actually around when I was going through it, knew it was 3 years in the depths of hell that nearly drove me to the brink. Our lives are so much better without them.

But I’m guessing it can be triggering for people who are trying hard to convince themselves that their dysfunctional family is perfectly fine and they are being martyrs by hanging on to them.

I am sober and when I tell people I don’t drink (usually because they ask why I’m not drinking alcohol), no one puts more effort into telling me a whole big story about how THEY definitely don’t have a drinking problem than the people I know who most certainly have a drinking problem. Everyone else says, oh that’s fab, well done. I suspect it’s the same for people who are trying hard to keep the longstanding narrative afloat about how their own families are perfectly fine, nothing to see.

I'm sorry, @ValleyClouds . You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself at the end of the day. Glib comment, I know.

I can see myself going through the motions to meditate with my NC brother for the sake of my parents, at some point. But I will never ever trust him again and it will be performatively civil for their sake. Just because he is my brother doesn't mean we naturally have a close bond. You can't force that! Blood or not.

If you’ll cut off your own flesh and blood who raised you and no doubt made sacrifices for you just because you don’t share the same hobbies, that suggests an absence of normal human emotions to me. I think too many people expect perfection from their parents, and won’t settle for anything less.

I got bullied for it within the family, told to grow up, told to accept him for who he was and his limitations, told you only get one Dad. He was a drinker with an explosive temper who regularly gave me emotional/psychological abuse and rejected me due to my disability . But I was the bad guy for saying this ends here. Several people said Well he might die and then how would you feel? The man is still going strong over 20 years later. I will be indifferent to his death, I’ve already mourned my lack of a father and the ways he fucked me up

I have also got a sister cut from the same cloth. Only in contact with her loosely since she put DM at risk during COVID - I’ve hated her literally my whole life and only tolerate her for DM. I once was told “you can’t say that” why not? I do hate her!

To the Op’s point I do think that it “triggers” some people to hear about it. They can’t bear it and must either treat it as a tragedy or a scandal.

I've been NC with my mother for probably 20 years.

The amount of times people say "but you only get one mum" is ridiculous. Thank God I only had one.

Or I get "Imagine if your kids cut you off". Honestly, if I was such a shitty human being that my kids needed to stop speaking to me for their mental health then I hope they do just that.

It's probably my own bias and experience but if someone tells me they cut their parent off I think they probably have their reasons, if someone tells me their child cut them off then I always think that it's probably something they did wrong as a parent.

I think its a bit hasty to describe someone else as sociopathic on the basis of a casual remark on a public forum.

In my case I don't understand it in my family because my brother is being unreasonable. He is NC with my parents because he thinks they were neglectful and abusive, because they didn't go along with everything he ever wanted and they didn't shower him with praise for every little thing. That's literally the reason. He is very entitled.

Totally depends on the reason surely? Saw a really sad thread once where a lady with extremely obvious mh issues (if anyone remembers it she had thrown herself down the stairs and her thread was long and rambler) was told by a few people that her family were toxic for not respecting her boundaries. She ignored most people on the thread and thanked everyone for confirming what she had thought and was planning on going nc with them.

Same reason people bang on about step children being 'nothing' to the step parents extended family and think they have a right to their relatives money. They think that sharing genes with people is a special magical thing that transcends all other factors that influence human relationships. Its a type of arrogance I think. Our blood is so special that we're ring fencing ourselves. No one comes in, unless tolerated as a spouse, and no one escapes.

I absolutely understand it where there’s been abuse/neglect/genuine toxicity.

I absolutely don’t understand some of the MN posters who give the most trivial reasons for potentially going NC, like finding their parents boring and not having much in common with them. I remember being shocked at reading one woman whose parents like to stay in and watch TV all the time, but she prefers to go for walks when she visits them, so she’s thinking of going NC. To me, that’s sociopathic behaviour.

My DM was a shit mum. She’s extremely damaged and I have compassion for her. She’s a bit better now I’m older but still gets on my tits. I’ve had therapy myself and now her behaviours are water off a duck’s back. I wouldn’t turn my back on her because I love her.

I think it scares people because they realise it is possible and that they also have this option. This makes them uneasy because actually it’s sometimes easier to maintain contact and repeat the cycle of victim / abuser instead of cutting it off and reclaiming your life

I remember one individual for who I thought it was almost like the sunk cost fallacy. She'd spent a lot of time and effort learning to cope with an absolutely horrendous sounding family member and was extremely judgemental of this person's children who had nothing to do with her. It was very clear to outsiders why but I think she had been in the dynamic too long to see it.

That post was bang on.

If 'your faith' makes you stick around to be abused then you can keep it
Nobody deserves to be abused, it takes strength to walk away and those people are better for it

Ok
4 Martyrs.

I think there are also groups of people who go NC, for example:
-those who have experienced abuse that no one should have to put up with, and who are entirely justified

-those who could have salvaged a relationship but simply let a fallout drift so long it was too hard to go back - I have seen this on Long Lost Family type shows - these are quite sad. See also those who simply make no effort to stay in touch and are just forgotten over time as others die or move on.

-those who are heavily influenced by a certain strand of modern thinking that cannot cope with any difference or conflict in worldview or opinion, and see it as sufficient justification to cut everyone off forever - these people often alienate everyone in their lives and sometimes are accused of narcissism themselves.

These are just a couple of examples but some of the people who question you are probably thinking of those they know in the second two categories rather than the first.

As others say it’s because they come from functional families where a fall out can be dealt with “normally” In normal families you can reason with the other person, tell them how you feel or why you did something and both sides will seriously consider the other person’s point of view and come to a reasonable solution. They would agree with saying like blood is thicker than water because their family is functional and they can get over fallouts together.

People from normal families don’t understand how some people can’t be reasoned with and that in a dysfunctional family, a seemingly silly argument can be a last straw incident where you realise that the choice is suck it up or protect yourself (go NC)

In a way it’s a good thing that they are naive enough to believe that family fallouts can be solved and they don’t know what it’s like being family with the sorts of people that we have and I wouldn’t want to wish that situation on them so they know what it feels like.

I am selective about who I discuss my NC status is. My kids know but with strangers I use vague statements like “we aren’t close” or “they live overseas so I rarely see them” to save the long explanation. I know that I made the right decision going NC and managed to end the cycle of abuse with me by going NC which is something that I’m proud of. It’s not conventional but was very necessary.

Yanbu. It is very triggering when you witness family estrangement and you don't know the reason for it. It's probably the fear that it might happen to you one day (or is in my case).

I hadn't thought about number 3, but that's a very good point.

There's also this idea that it's always the children who initiate things. Whilst I now accept that going NC with me was a blessing in disguise, it still wasn't my choice. I had offered the olive branch of family counselling if she'd just apologise and acknowledge the years of abuse.