To back out of a child’s birthday

Can you distance yourselves from them? I get they've had some hard times but your latest post shows that they are massive cheeky fuckers and you would be well within your rights to decide you no longer want to b friends with them.
doesn't sound like much of a friendship anyway, very one sided

Well of course you say no why is that so hard

Message as soon as possible “I have been looking at your suggestion that we all go to X for Ys birthday. Unfortunately we just can’t afford it and DH would struggle to get time off at that time of year, so we’ll need to pass. We would love to take Y out to local amusement spot/lunch/etc.”

Abroad? For a child's birthday? And you're not family? Utter madness to even consider it!

I have a friend with a child with quite significant additional needs and she has absolutely leaned on me a few times and we have 100% put ourselves out a bit now and again to be helpful to her and to be kind to her child.

I don't think that's weird.

But it does sound like this has gone too far. This person has forgotten that you are doign them favours and/or being kind and that spending all your time with them, accomodating their child is NOT something you do by choice. My DD sometimes has to grin and bear it at an event or activity. I'd never spend £1000s and make her suck it up for an entire holiday.

It's ridiculous you feel unable to say no to such a wildly unreasonable request.

Yes, you need to grow a spine and tell them you won't be going. Sheesh.

Your child is not a sibling.

You and your husband need your vacation time for your family, not to placate someone who causes a hideous atmosphere when you say no. That's manipulation.

This is insane. You only agree to join holiday plans if it’s something that 100% works for you and your family. It it doesn’t then you say thanks for asking but unfortunately we can’t do it this year because it’s too expensive, you can’t get the time off, you’ve already made holiday plans, you fancy doing something else this year, whatever. The birthday or the SEN needs are irrelevant really. No one goes to Disney or similar on a group trip for a small child’s birthday. Madness. Just offer to join for a day out to a local attraction instead. Like normal people do!

Hard pass.

And absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, it’s an insane ask to celebrate a kids birthday abroad. It would be a polite but clear decline from me - do it sooner rather than later.

You don't have to take your whole family somewhere because one of your DC is seen as an "almost sibling" by another child, SEN or not. You don't use up limited resources (money and A/L) on a trip your whole family won't enjoy. Let them know asap.

The expectation for you to go abroad for a child's birthday celebration is just way over the top.

I would just politely decline and set this boundary now. Otherwise what will the expectation be next year and the year after?

If the parent gets huffy that is simply their problem.

Something like that I think you should only go if you want to as it's a bit more of a commitment than 2 hours in the local soft play.

Just say "oh that!, I thought the Disney thing was a joke!, It costs hundreds!"

Tell them now, the sooner the better! It's quite reasonable to say that it's not financially viable for you but that you'd love to have a meal or a day out to celebrate Xs birthday with him/her.

It is a group trip, with a birthday party included. I wouldn't worry about not going, if your children are older.
My nieces and nephews over 16, wouldn't be bothered either.

Jesus Christ. Whatever happened to some cake and jelly and pass-the-parcel in the front room??

So you both struggle with boundaries and assertiveness? That's a bad combination. All because you can't cope with the discomfort of saying no. You'd really rather take time off work and shell out thousands of euro to go abroad and do something you don't want to do, and which your older child is too old for? Rather than just say 'No'? Wow.

This is insane. I assumed you were doing to say it was your DC’s cousin. I can’t imagine asking, let alone expecting, a friend no matter how close, to take annual leave and spend a fortune to come on holiday for my DC’s birthday. You need to say “it’s so kind of you to think of us, but we don’t have the budget or annual leave for that. We’d love to take birthday child out to dinner / to the movie La / bowling / whatever to celebrate the birthday when you get back.”

The SEN is a red herring here. It’s not as though you are saying you’d go if the kid didn’t have SEN but don’t want to because they do.

You said you'd look into it.

Well you have and you don't want to go.

They are not relatives..and seem to be leaning on you a lot and getting you to say yes to things you are not 100 per cent about. You need to set some boundaries with them.

I would also say to the parent if they want to ask you to come to something, can they next time ask you privately, and not in front of the child.. say You need time to think and plan and budget for four of you to attend things and you don't like being put on the spot by having to either commit to going there and then or having to disappoint the child in question.

You could plan an alternative get together instead... like a nice picnic/mini party with cake at your house. Thus still seeing the child and celebrating with them.

Asking someone to go on holiday and pay for it themselves for your dc's birthday is absolutely batshit crazy. Who would agree to that?

Yes, it would have been better to say no at the time, but I absolutely understand why you were taken unawares! You aren't being unreasonable at all!

Just message asap and ask "Have you got any further looking into x? It's just that sadly I don't think we'll be able to manage to join you as it'll just cost too much on top on of the holiday plans we already have. Plus annual leave is proving tricky.".

If they try to do something huge and days long but nearer to home the same reasons can work again!

Just tell them sorry you cant afford it. Very strange to expect a non related family to go on hoilday for a childs birthday.

Well if you haven't actually agreed to it, there's no problem surely? You just say that you've considered it, but it's not really suitable for your eldest, and your budget won't allow for this trip and a holiday for your own family.

Get the conversation out of the way soon for both your sakes.

To be fair they are not as crazy as the person who doesn't want to go but says yes

I really don't understand what's so difficult about saying no. Why on earth would you spend time, annual leave and the best part of a thousand pounds to celebrate the birthday of a child?