To back out of a child’s birthday

Tell them ASAP

I’ve just been invited to a hen party. I immediately thanked them for the invite but politely declined because I hate parties, people and organised fun. It was easy, I just said I can’t go.

There is no way on earth I would ever go on holiday for someone’s birthday. In fact, my 17 year old neice, who has Down’s syndrome is having a family holiday abroad for her 18th. Not a chance I am going to that. Nope, not happening. I understand why they’re going away for that but I’m just not doing it.

Are you seriously saying they’re going abroad for a birthday for a child. MAD. I would not be going!! You keep mentioning SEN. I don’t think this is relevant at all! Treat them like you would anybody else, don’t action based on guilt. I think it’s quite unkind actually to treat people differently in these types of ways when really what everyone wants is to feel ‘normal’ .. whatever that means Xo

I think you need to say no, but maybe soften the blow a bit, because clearly the parents have a lot invested in this, by suggesting other possible activities, a special day at the zoo with an animal experience for example, or just a trip to the zoo with a picnic.

Just seen your update. Sod the zoo! I vote for parachute games and a bubble machine in the park.

let me get this clear......YOU have supported THEM through several emotional situations so this means they get to put your child in a car with no car seat and forces you to spend out small fortunes on their child's birthday?????? W the actual F?

Going against the grain here but I don’t think an abroad trip for someone’s birthday is that outrageous if everyone would want to go so I don’t blame the friend for suggesting if you usually do these types of things together. Example, I have a mum friend who I’ve been away to Butlin’s and Disneyland Paris with so if she suggested it I wouldn’t think it was that wild and would try to go.

Experiences are much more important than material gifts in my opinion. I’m the type of mum who regularly does this kind of thing for my kids birthdays.

If you don’t want to go though you should definitely say sooner rather than later so she can make a plan B.

Probably sound harsh, but a child getting upset by what you do/don't do isn't your problem or stress to hold. Prioritise YOURSELF and YOUR family.

Yabu not to have just said no straight away! That's insanity, and im a parent to a sen child!

Musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey's arse.

We used to love that sort of thing and it cost pennies.

You're definitely not assertive 😬

I do that. It’s terrible thing. I wish I didn’t do it but I can’t stop myself. It’s weird.

Unpick this. These are a series of choices you have made. Nobody made you do these things at gunpoint. You are at liberty to say no to childcare, no to taking your child somewhere without a carseat, no to Disneyland Paris or whatever this nonsense is. You are weakly going along with this stuff because you can't face the discomfort you think you will feel if you say no. And who cares if you upset her child? Whose feelings are more important, yours or your friend's child?

I think I am usually assertive?? but this whole situation just seems to home in on a weakness I have.
I also feel like I’m somehow responsible for her child having a good time, and if I don’t comply - then I will upset her child…

Oh jeez. You were one of those parents who couldn’t say “you’re out” to my disabled daughter playing musical statues at a birthday party, even though she was shakier than a flag in a breeze. These kids are not ticking timebombs. They don’t explode at the merest sign of disappointment.

Does nobody know how to say 'No' anymore?!

When I’ve said ‘I can’t’ before, it seems to cause a hideous atmosphere

So what-sorry, but they sounds really hard work! They are not family, they do not listen to what you want to do-friends don't treat people like that.

I would see them much much less.

I'd pull out but do so early so that they don't lose any money.

I think they are being a bit cf and know it. Did they deliberately not tell you about the seat belt and the car seat? People like that exploit the politeness of others, I’m sure they know you aren’t comfortable and the holiday isn’t really for you but they don’t care if they are getting what they want.

I also feel like I’m somehow responsible for her child having a good time, and if I don’t comply - then I will upset her child…

This is ridiculous. Your priority is your DC. At least one of them won't want to go and it'll take family finances and a/l away from doing something else your family want to do. There's your answer.

And saying yes then backing out can't actually cause less issues than saying no in the first place, no one wants to be messed around and told yes if you mean no, make plans then have you drop out. That's just annoying. Is this person actually a friend if you can't be honest and you have to agree to stuff you don't want to do?

I hate to be a typical Mumsnetter, but after your most recent update - why the hell are you friends with these people?

I think these people know that you struggle to say no, and take advantage of that.
You are being kind for their benefit, to your own detriment.

Tell them it just doesn't work for you. Whatever they decide to do is for them sort. Not your concern.

If you do free chilcare i imagine they want free childcare on their hoilday.
time to step away from this friendship.

I agree.

Im taking a guess this is a trip to Disney, Paris or similar and it’s more a group visit at the time of the child’s birthday? Do you usually go on trips together? If so why is this one bothering you more than other weekends away together?

I think there is a drip feed coming.

Yanbu as I'd not pay that for my own birthday let alone someone else's. Just tell the parents no.

that's becuase the reality is it's probably true. ie without you, her child WILL enjoy it less.

The difference between this person and my friend is that my friend KNEW we have done this to be kind and a big prt of her process has been to teach her DD that she can't expect my DD to be there all the time or to prioritise her all the time.

It's hard though. No one wants to upset a child we care about and I am sure you DO care about this child.

I feel like there's information missing, and so cannot really say either way.