To back out of a child’s birthday

So you're teaching your children to be compliant and allow people they have relationships with to control them? That should end well.

I have a SEN child. I had immense guilt when he had a soft play party and some non invited older siblings came (absolutely no issue what's so ever, DC is welcoming regardless) and I felt bad parents had to pay for older kids to join in as they weren't accounted for in the party. Never mind a holiday abroad!!

We sometimes go away with another family and I'd never dream of classing it as for one child's birthday, it makes the dynamic all wrong. It does sound like they've just floated the idea, so I'd hold off saying anything. If it becomes more concrete it'll give you a factual "ohhhh sorry, I didn't realise it'd cost xyz or be on those dates etc etc" - better to save your excuses. I think it's mad to ask someone to give up annual leave and so much money for a birthday, it will indeed leave you a bit stuck in terms of having to follow their plan and build the trip around their child....

Yeah you have to sort this, you definitely already know!

I was wondering, when you said additional needs, whether you meant a mild LD, ADHD etc, OR a very profound disability with severe health complications, life limiting illness etc - because I think for me that would make more sense if we are talking about having huge expensive birthday events that involve travel like that. You can absolutely say it’s not affordable this year, and suggest something else fun and proportionate to help celebrate. If you’re fearful of a huge fallout then you know that’s emotional blackmail and this friendship is not good.

If this family are surviving something really devastating (like the scenario I was wondering about above), then it is understandable that they are intense about birthdays and life events and a bit self absorbed - but if not, then you do sound like a bit of an emotional hostage and a people pleaser (not a dig, I only recognise it because I am the same!).

Rather than just say no (which you need to do asap), I'd also be having a word to let them know how batshit crazy it is. It may cause a massive atmosphere, or even end the friendship, but ffs, someone needs to point out the obvious to them 🤔😀

why can't you just say no. and what has it got to do with the child having SEN?

Nobody remotely normal asks other people to spend that much time and money to attend a birthday party .

just grow a pair and turn it down.

Being assertive and being supportive are not mutually exclusive. It's about having boundaries and self-respect and not allowing yourself to be bullied into doing things that you do not want to do. Be a good role model to your children and learn how to stand up for yourself.

Exactly this. Would you have agreed to this if the child didn’t have SEN?

The child’s SEN has nothing to do with anything, you are in an abusive relationship with this woman and that needs to stop.

Surely you're at least conflicted about actively putting your DC in the position of being a 'compliant friend' because this friendship dynamic brings you joy? Don't you hope for healthier relationships for them?

You've even allowed your DC's safety to be compromised.

I'll be honest I'm couldnt get on board with this "friendship" their expectations are insane.
I thought the jaw drop was the theme park and hotel but no it was a trip abroad.

You've nailed the actual cause of it yourself

I get a joy out of supporting, helping, volunteering etc.

Whenever i see these mad sorts of situations the victim continues to engage because they are getting a "need met"
Here is your need.
How far are you willing to compromise your safety / your family time/ your finances to keep them happy and placated and not rock the boat?

Personally i'd find another less complex way to get your needs met because you aren't actually prioritising your own children and they will notice and wont thank you.

I speak from experience here

Are they inviting a whole bunch of people/kids, or is this just a your family and theirs thing? Do you do stuff like this together often?

If you can't afford it or it's too much of a logistical nightmare, just be honest. Maybe have a more reasonable backup option to suggest if you're worried about her taking it the wrong way. Would there ever be a scenario where just your DC went along with them?

No problem with spending money on nice trips personally, but I have a massive problem with people trying to pressure others into doing so. She really shouldn't have asked you in front of the kids!

A few of my friends children have SEN and they are treated equally to all the other children in the group. So no I wouldn’t do it just because their child has SEN. I also wouldn’t do something like Disney for any child’s birthdays except my own children, as that type of trip is not fair and far too costly to not be able to do things on your own terms.

Do these people actually like you or do they like what you can do for them?

It will blow over. Say no, let th "atmosphere" happen. If it's really an expectation it's a ridiculous one.

If this child's joy really stands or falls on your children (their cousins?) being there then the parents need to organise something they can reasonably attend. Say no, say it's completely out of your budget, do not get sucked into an argument about special deals etc. Set a mental budget for the birthday and stick to it - and it can be a lot less than you spent last year.

Last year was a theme park and hotel, this year abroad, next year it will be to join Katy Perry for a trip to space to celebrate his birthday 😂

Who expects people to travel abroad for your child's birthday party???

Go. Stick it on the credit card. You only live once.

You need to let them know now if you don’t intend to go. I personally wouldn’t.

You say no, if they feel funny about it that's on them. I used to say yes to stuff too cause I felt awkward saying no. Getting older teaches you you aren't obliged to people please.

If you flat out can't say no, always have something prepared. ie don't think my husband can get that time off, we've already booked to go away, that's a but expensive for my budget, that's not something my kids would like, or just simply 'I'll get back to you on it' then you send a message saying no can do, it doesn't fit with us. But I will say honesty is the best policy. I'm sorry but s trip abroad would be our holiday.

It's ridiculous, OP. Fortunately all you have to say is that having investigated the costs and travel etc, you need to let them know that you can't afford it. Cost of living etc. Not possible to spend the best part of a grand on a trip to Disney.

And that's that.

If you know you'd like it as a family why don't u turn it into a holiday? Spend a few hours with them then go your own way.

Why are they having such an elaborate celebration anyway? What's wrong with a day at a safari park or soft play? We did go away for my sisters 50th last year right enough. Can we say it's different if it's an adult? 😆

If you really don't want to go just say it's a but expensive for something that's not a main holiday but if yous book to go as a family without them be prepared for them to be miffed x

Me too

This is absolutely unreasonable of them to expect that of anyone! If they have an issue with you saying no then I don't think these are the kind of people I wouldn't want to have much else to do with anyway. Also you need to knock this on the head now, hotel and theme park last year, abroad this year, where will it end!

@TwinkleLittleBean I'm sorry to say that you are enabler. You do things to avoid a conflict(which btw is not assertive) but actually intend on letting them down anyways.
I have SEN members of family and work with SEN kids. I find it is best to be honest but kind. 'I'm really sorry sweetheart but I'm not sure that is going to work. Perhaps we can think of a party together that is based on the theme. This means we can spend your birthday together doing the things you and DC enjoy. That way everyone can be involved.'
You are feeling guilty (perhaps slightly coerced) into doing something detrimental to your family. If the other mother is dependent on your DC for her DC to have fun, then that isn't a healthy relationship either.