To back out of a child’s birthday

why on earth would you agree to this from the onset? also what happened to good old 2 hour long birthday parties..

You're definitely not being unreasonable! But you need to learn to say no! It was very bold of them to ask you to spend all that money and time so you are absolutely justified in saying an emphatic "NO!" with zero guilt attached!
As far as backing out goes, just be honest, tell them you can't afford it and you can't get the time off. And don't feel guilty about saying it. People appreciate directness and I'm sure they'll understand.

This is crazy. Where do u draw a line with this friend. I think u are a pushover.

I've been reading your responses, OP, and you seem utterly unable to say no to this family.

So how about saying 'I've investigated the costs and the amount of time we'd need off work to go to EuroDisney for Eric's birthday and I'm afraid it's not doable for us. Too expensive (the COL is hitting us hard) and neither of us can manage to book two days off work in October. But I think Eric might enjoy (find something suitable that your kids would enjoy too) and we could manage that.'

Reset their expectations before they want you al to go to Florida for his birthday next year.

Your title is rather misleading OP!
This isn’t about backing out of a birthday party. I thought you were going to say is it all right to pull out of party at the local grotty soft play because they won’t cater to my child’s dietary needs or the birthday kid is a brat who hits my child over the head and pelts him with ball pit balls all the time!
This is about a massively expensive trip abroad and hugely entitled parents with wildly unrealistic expectations.
Is suppose if this is ‘normal’ among you and you’ve done it before I can sort of see why they’d expect it again, but you seriously need to nip it in the bud pronto!

Your friend sounds quite manipulative to me. She knows your weaknesses and uses emotional blackmail to exploit them. It’s not a healthy dynamic

Avoiding doing something in your own best interests because it will cause a dramatic overemotional reaction doesn't sound like a healthy relationship with a friend. Of course we want to support those we care about, but you're not responsible for keeping your friends emotions stable. Your friend's child is SEN, that doesn't mean they're the priority over everything nor does it mean you can't say no to them or their parents. You choose how you act - if you maintain this dynamic remember you're choosing to do this.

then I would say that this relationship is damaging you and potentially your child and you need to withdraw from it. What is a "yellow personality"?

What a wet lettuce you are.

That’s a whole new other thread lol, non invited siblings coming I find so so rude

But you said it wouldn't be? That your DD would be having t accomodate this other chil the entire time?

If your child would enjoy it and you would enjoy it, fine. But if it's inconvenient, then don't.

"I don’t think I can necessarily change to be assertive, as it’s just not me. I get a joy out of supporting, helping, volunteering etc."

So what's the point of this thread if you're resigned to a life of being compliant and never putting yourself first?

Who takes kids abroad for a birthday party?absolutely bizarre behaviour and expecting others to come aswell then throwing a strop when they can't / wont is even stranger.
Having SEN is no excuse

Agree! Why should everyone tip toe around this parent? Your child will pick up on your energy and will model your behaviour. Even though they are friends I wonder how much your daughter gives in to the demands of the child when they play together. Your daughter seems very understanding but why do you tread so carefully around this parent? Is this a true friendship?

Your dc is learning how to behave from you. I would be role modelling assertiveness to her not going along with everything your friend says.

When you say your dc is compliant with her too that is really concerning.

Assuming it’s just an invitation to tag along and not a summons? Just say you can’t make it for xyz reason?
I don’t necessarily think going abroad for a birthday and leaving an open invite for family to tag along if they wish is a bad thing btw, but you shouldn’t be feeling guilted into it.

Oh dear, your last comment is crazy.

Your poor child.

"I think I'm usually assertive"

"I don’t think I can necessarily change to be assertive, as it’s just not me."

OP, was one of these a typo? You're contradicting yourself.

Is the child likely to not have a long life? If so I'm guessing mum is trying to make lots of memories for them.

This. Compliance is not a good quality to teach your child, especially if they're a girl. It puts them at significantly more risk of being manipulated and exploited.

I doubt your child considers this girl their best friend when they’re forced to be ‘compliant’ and do whatever the girl wants. You’re teaching your child to be a doormat and not have a voice. You need to become assertive and show your child how to be assertive.

Exactly this. I mean, you’ve put your child in danger because you can’t say no to a trip without a car seat. If there’s an accident, that’s on you.

Of course you can learn to say no. Do you really want your children to grow up as people-pleasers like you, unable to maintain boundaries, refuse, prioritise their own safety and well-being? What happens when they’re subject to peer pressure? When someone tries to do something sexual they don’t want?

Work on your assertiveness for their sake if not for your own. As the child of a chronic people-pleaser who taught her daughter to be equally compliant, (1) it’s not a good trait in any way and (2) it’s much harder to unpick those behaviours in adulthood when your parent/s have taught you to be compliant, that saying no isn’t an option, and that people will only like you if you’re compliant. Those are incredibly damaging behaviours to model, like chainsmoking around young children.

That's crazy who would expect family to pay to go on holiday for a child birthday.

" However there is a dynamic of control/compliance. We are compliant as a family, including my DC."
As soon as you have said this, its not an equal friendship......and the joy you get from helping, volunteering and so on doesn't mean that it includes feeling bad because a friend's child is upset or that friend using your child as a companion for hers. Why could they not take the holiday on their own?
Your situation is all kinds of batshit wrong. Wrong for you and a terrible example for your child, bringing them up modelling that its their duty in life to be used.
I think kindly that you are making excuses. You can be assertive and have boundaries and still be a helpful and supportive person.