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Original poster

No family support, anyone else? Help me find solutions.

190 replies

tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 13:32

Feeling alone and exhausted. We have 2 kids, 2 years apart: youngest is 9 months (crawling, fussy), eldest nearly 3 (terrible twos).

Both parents useless, dead or alive. One has passed, but wasn’t any help when alive. My mum is alive but may as well not be, only met my eldest once 2 years ago, has never met youngest, won’t visit, and her house isn’t safe for kids. She’s an alcohol and mental health problems, possibly the most draining self centred person you could imagine and all caused by my late father who abused her emotionally and rumoured, physically but no idea if that’s her wild imagination or the truth. Don’t care at this point, she has failed me as a mother since the day I was born and I’ve been left with troubled siblings which only adds to my stress. Yes I have by now distanced myself/cut them off for my own sanity…

In-laws (mid-70s) are helpful with other grandkids (now 6+ and up to uni age) but say how much harder it is now at their age and find it hard to help as much as they did with the other grandkids (19, 16, 8, 6). They live 2 hours away but will happily drive 2 hours to BIL’s to do school pick-ups, give dinner, and drive home just because BIL/SIL are working late and “don’t trust anyone else.” But visiting us in London? “Too much traffic.” It is straight motorways to BIL but their only solution when we say we’re struggling is “come to us.”

When we do, we get fed and it’s nice to have a change of scenery, kids like the big garden and not worrying about food is nice, but help is minimal: no mornings, no overnights, no weekends without us. We’re still hands-on, plus have to pack for 5 (including the dog), deal with travel car sickness, overtired kids, and disrupted routines. Yesterday we left at 6.30pm, home by 8.30pm, no one slept in the car, toddler vomited, everyone overtired. We walked back into a messy house because we’d been too busy packing to tidy before we left. Honestly, not worth it.

We get more help seeing local friends with kids, where toddlers play and people happily hold the baby. DH agrees but won’t push back when PIL suggest visiting them. Just says we only do it every couple of months, it’s manageable, the drive here is horrid hence why we don’t enjoy it and they’re old. We’ve discussed moving out of london and we will but in a few years time. What if we moved closer for the help and their age doesn’t stop being a factor?

Meanwhile, others I know have grandparents flying in from abroad to take grandkids at 6am so parents can lay in, having them for the weekend while grandparents go to weddings, 5 days at Glastonbury, and holidays of their own. Dream scenario. We have to pay for every minute of help to have any kind of life….. I’ve not found anyone who can do double bedtime successfully yet. Given the age of the DCs they just want mum and dad or grandparents would be ideal but here we are.

DH turns 40 later this year. PIL say they won’t have both DCs as a full weekend including bedtime and mornings is ‘too much’ in case they might be unwell or not sleeping for example and even still would only help if we drive up rather come here.

For context, 2 years ago for a child-free wedding we rebooked flights to leave from near PIL, dropped off DC1, (2+ hours), packed for him and Us, their nearest airport we could leave from was 90 min away and all in return for 2 night stay. They ignored our messages when it was going badly sleep-wise. Non stop worry. We’d have been better off paying a professional to stay at ours.

I’d love to ring “mum” for help but don’t have one, never have done. I made my peace but this weekend everyone seems to be off without DCs and we feel exhausted from visiting PIL.

Any advice? We don’t want an au pair as the house isn’t enourmous being in London and someone would drive me mad living here, but I’m starting to think we need to hire someone so we can stop begging family for scraps of help and finally get a break.

what have others done in this scenario? No siblings my side as I established but DH has an older sister who is almost an empty nested, eldest off to uni in September. So left with her 16 year old. Could be an option but we’ve never asked.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 30/06/2025 21:14

I have a lot more help than you but still feel jealous of others who get even more. Ultimately you have to find solutions that work for your family. Focus on giving each other a break and then explore paid solutions. I know families that have used lots of different options. Eg asking if anyone at nursery does babysitting, asking teenagers (probably when your baby is a bit older), finding someone from childcare.co.uk. Again when your kids are older you can explore childcare swaps. You are in a really hard phase but there are a lot of options especially as the kids get older. You could see if your niece wants to be paid for a couple of hours here and there so it can build up as she builds a relationship with them and as they get older. I employed an older teenager doing a levels to take the kids to the park and look after them downstairs while I got on with some work for example.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 21:12

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 19:13

Op I think you need counselling to deal with your lost childhood. You are understandably carrying a lot of unresolved pain of never having had a mother at all.

I agree to a certain extent. I also have my sister dumping her problems on me in lieu of parents. Almost 30 and just cannot grow up. In/out relationships, has a spending problem, in debt and has a habit of turning up at my door when the going gets tough. She has lived with me for 5 weeks when I was pregnant with DC1 after one breakup and requested to ‘come round’ with her suitcase after her latest breakup end of last year when I had a 7 week old baby and 2 year old. She offered to help recently in exchange for chilling with me and DH when it suits her (Sundays and evenings). I’d rather not have the help and not have her calling me crying down the phone. The ripple effect of my parents being the way they were/are will never leave me.

OP posts:
OneFineDay13 · 30/06/2025 21:11

I feel for you. My two kids were about that age apart and luckily I had lots of help from my parents, can you maybe hire a trusted babysitter and make it a regular thing so you get a break ?

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 21:07

And yes I wouldn’t be putting my dc through long journeys if it’s making them sick. Your il will have to find another way to see them if they want to. I would be limiting my dc discomfort at such a young age.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/06/2025 21:07

tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:58

Yes I won’t be the sandwich generation and I didn’t grieve when DF died nor will I when DM passes. Did all my grieving over the past 25 years. DH loves his parents and I’m sure will be there no matter what. My next door neighbour has her parents round every single weekend. Her Dads car is permanently there on the weekend, she even has him a permit. Another mum friend has her mum do the nursery run every Thursday so she and DH can have an evening either for working late, gym, friends, date night. It’s so common round here.

Show quote history

I am sorry you’re struggling but I’d guess it’s not actually a majority of people in this situation. If you start looking around, you’ll find more people without any help than people with help on tap.

Children are harder in different ways all along the way. Babies are exhausting - a lot of physical exhaustion, primary aged children tend to have a lot of driving around in circles and random logistical complications with school shows and assemblies and Christmas fairs always on exactly the wrong weekend. Now my daughter is 12 I'm heading into all the teenage challenges - social issues, homework, exams, hormones, etc etc etc.

I know you’re exhausted so it’s hard to think straight. That part will (probably!) pass and you’ll start to figure out what works for you. I would try to stop comparing as you can’t change it. Your children are significantly younger than their cousins and your in-laws are therefore older and more tired and less able. I imagine they don’t want to get involved in providing care they cannot maintain and wouldn’t want to set up another decade of caring ahead of them when it’s actually time for the next generation to take care of them. My parents and in-laws are in their 70s now and just aren’t able to be left with my children overnight - and mine are old enough to pretty much be in charge of themselves.

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 21:04

tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:52

This is beautiful and I hope for the same. I have an old school friend who has a 5 and 3 year old and has never once been away as a family unit, 100% of the time with grandparents of some kind (they have 3 sets) and friends. They keep ‘talking’ about it but decided to leave the kids and go away on their own in the end as they need a break apparently. Her mum comes once a week, her MiL once a week and she doesn’t work but the kids go to a private nursery, shorter days but still out the house daily.

Show quote history

Fast forward 18 years there will be a lot of regret. Not only because they haven’t bonded as strongly as they could have done, but their selfish decisions meant they have no lovely memories of time with their little children just on their own, happy holidays, outings etc.

It goes by at lightening speed. The shared difficulties and strain also works as the glue that holds you together later on when the problems become much bigger. The trust that develops from your consistently will reap many rewards as the dc get older. Your reliability and love gives your children security in a way no one can replace, not even a much loved gp. They will always come to you. You will know them inside and out, and it is invaluable later on. Look up secure attachment. It’s so important.

Those that had too much help had the option to be emotionally checked out, and often did or were simply absent much of the time. Once the dc hit the age of independence they were long gone, and not looking back. There is nothing to anchor them to the family unit.

When you are in the trenches it feels so bloody hard, but it’s also the thing that creates the closeness all children crave. You can meet all of their needs. All of them. They need nothing more. You do need to take time for yourself though. This is non negotiable. 💐

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 21:04

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/06/2025 19:06

I’ve already commented up thread with suggestions but I just wanted to add, what would have helped me more would have been a decent spouse who actually did their bit. Much more of an advantage than gp support.

I am divorced now (perhaps obviously!).

So if you have a decent spouse you’re already one up on many. I’d rather have a decent spouse without wider support than family local (I think) because the spouse is, or should be, in it with you. The family are limited in what they could or should do. Both would obviously be the dream. I have neither (although my family and exh’s family did help where they could whilst not being local)

Absolutely. DH is my secret weapon!! Absolute saint. Very much takes up the mantle when I’m on my knees, like last year when I was pregnant with a 1 year old, working full time, it was tough. If nothing else I’d love his parents to help him the same way they helped his brother as he needs a break too. He is going away for his 40th with friends and we have a nursery worker doing bedtime for the first time this Friday. If successful I’m going to keep it a regular and get us away later in the autumn perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:58

mumofthemonsters808 · 30/06/2025 19:04

I was in a similar position to you when my children were young, I had no one other than my partner and at times it was hard.

I remember being so jealous of people with lots of support.I remember my Neighbour at the time working full time, Mon-Friday, both sets of Grandparents did the childcare.School holidays were covered by them too.Every Saturday was date night the Grandparents thought it important they spent time together as a couple they had worked all week and deserved this, so the kids slept over and returned Sunday afternoon.Couple weekends away were deemed important too.There was also financial support: new uniforms, kids bedrooms being decorated, big purchases like a new family car were always courtesy of the Grandparents.

i had no choice but to just get on with it and work around it , a local paid babysitter, taking turns with other Mums, going out separately.

Time passes so quickly, it does not last forever, once they hit secondary school you are on the home run.My saving grace is that now my kids are grown and unlike many people I know I’m not responsible for any elderly relatives. I have no elderly caring role whatsoever : no phone calls in the night, waiting in A&E for hours, visiting or appointments to manage.

Hang in there it does get better.

Yes I won’t be the sandwich generation and I didn’t grieve when DF died nor will I when DM passes. Did all my grieving over the past 25 years. DH loves his parents and I’m sure will be there no matter what. My next door neighbour has her parents round every single weekend. Her Dads car is permanently there on the weekend, she even has him a permit. Another mum friend has her mum do the nursery run every Thursday so she and DH can have an evening either for working late, gym, friends, date night. It’s so common round here.

OP posts:
ByGreenHiker · 30/06/2025 20:57

Never understood this.

They're your children. You wanted them.

But then again, I watched my mother bring up 2 children completely alone.as my dad left when I was three and contributed nothing.

Her parents were on the other side of the country.and his naturally weren't involved. My mother managed.

Just get on with it. How many grown adults does it take to raise two children. There's two of you

Zanatdy · 30/06/2025 20:53

Mid 70’s who can blame them for not helping out more. It sounds like they do help out a lot where they can with older GC, but find babies and toddlers too much. That’s to be expected at their age. Sucks for you, but there’d not much you can do here apart from just get through the next few years. My parents were 5hrs drive away, never had them alone, apart from a couple of hours when I was in a local pub with a friend. Ex’s parents never babysat, even for a few hrs. We went out separately, I went on a few small breaks with friends.

After ex and I split, he spent many years overseas and I was left to cope alone. You do cope, as you have no choice. And it does feel upsetting when friends seem to have a much bigger support network. It’s ok to feel resentful of that. My DC are 21 and 17 now. The years do go fast, and one day you have a life again. Until then pay for some babysitters, maybe agree with friends to do a babysitting circle.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:52

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 19:01

We had a similar situation. Ils died and my dp were not interested in helping. I was shocked and hurt for a while, resentful and seething with envy at others involved families and had hoped mine would be the same. They couldn’t even help when the baby was rushed into hospital to look after other dc.

We came to accept their decision and found a lovely older lady, and we gave up on going away together on our own. We did most things together as a family, and have ended up super close with our dc.

They actually did us a favour now as I see it, if we had farmed our dc out at every opportunity we wouldn’t have the close family we have now.

We have a close knit group of friends, and have had a really happy life.

My now adult dc are not interested in their grandparents at all, and are completely checked out. Gps reap what they have sown.

We are close to dhs sibling but she had her own 3dc to care for, but we have a great family connection with them. We couldn’t imagine now not holidaying as a family, and when other adult dc are nowhere to be seen we have continued to enjoy a close relationship.

Edited

This is beautiful and I hope for the same. I have an old school friend who has a 5 and 3 year old and has never once been away as a family unit, 100% of the time with grandparents of some kind (they have 3 sets) and friends. They keep ‘talking’ about it but decided to leave the kids and go away on their own in the end as they need a break apparently. Her mum comes once a week, her MiL once a week and she doesn’t work but the kids go to a private nursery, shorter days but still out the house daily.

OP posts:
Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 20:50

You need a break, now. I used to get particularly sad about my perceived unfairness when I was badly in need of a rest. Time to get some me time, you will care a lot less when you feel more recharged.

Use your resources to soften the stress. Develop your own team.

IwasDueANameChange · 30/06/2025 20:47

Just got on with it?

I find more people have little/no help than have loads tbh - we all leave it too late to have kids so grandparents are well into their 70s and are a bit past dealing with rambunctious toddlers for long weekends. I think in the past fewer women worked full time & people tended to move back nearer where they grew up, so you had energetic grandmas in their late 50s and early 60s who were more able to be hands on. Plus mums worked less with toddlers so were juggling less, and the grandparent childcare mainly came in doing a few school runs for slightly older kids.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:46

Tretweet · 30/06/2025 18:57

Honestly OP it’s shit as you’ve got both the fact that you don’t get the help and the break and the emotional impact of being reminded you have difficult relationship with a parent/don’t have a parent anymore/very ill parent.

We only have one DD and scouting has been brilliant as she loves going on camps and it gives us quiet weekends (don’t tend to go away in case she needs picking up for some reason but hasn’t happened yet).

I still remember having a borderline argument with one of my closest friend who did not seem to comprehend people not having two sets of willing grandparents just desperate to look after DD. It was very hurtful as my Mum is very ill so was not a nice reason why we didn’t have that help.

Yes I find people who have the most help tend to lack EQ and possibly have been doted on hand and foot most of their lives. It’s no different to telling someone you splashed an extortionate amount of money on something the majority of people couldn’t afford but would be a ‘nice to have’ or would put the same money towards something that is a ‘must have’… like food on the table or healthcare.

OP posts:
CanelliniBeans · 30/06/2025 20:45

It’s tough. We had three dc and no help. It meant we were quite self sufficient compared to friends because we had to be. I resent the fact we’re expected to help in-laws now though and don’t go out of my way for them.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:40

Minecroft · 30/06/2025 18:44

Zero help here. Literally zero. Two kids a year a part. Terrible sleepers. It’s a long hard slog and we are resigned to having no “us” or “me”
time and being shattered all the time. We have paid for holiday clubs in the past and this year are attempting to “tag team” through the summer hols. I worked 6am-1pm today! I’m so tired. People with copious help have no idea.

How old are yours now?

OP posts:
ForPlumReader · 30/06/2025 20:39

Most people in your situation are aware of how it is going to be before they have DC. While others were getting help from their parents we were having to help ours out as well as raising our DC. It's not an exaggeration to say it was unbelievably tough, but when you're in the middle of it you just get on with it. Maybe we were lucky in that we had no expectations of help.

WhichOneIsPosher · 30/06/2025 20:39

AntiHop · 30/06/2025 14:39

You just get on with it. Dh and I have zero outside help. We both work full time. We've never has a night away from the kids, and probably 5 nights out in the lady 10 years.

This. My DCs have no grandparents left ( last one passed away when my youngest was only 7). In the last 15 years we have had a total of two separate nights away.

I know people who would drop their kids off at one of their parents then jet off for a long weekend in a different country. Was I envious? Sure, i would have loved that, plus for my kids to have that experience of growing up with grandparents in their lives but it is what it is.

Our time will come and I have my bucket list sorted!

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:35

TonerNeedsReplacing · 30/06/2025 18:27

I get it Op. We had no help from my parents or in laws but our siblings with slightly older children got huge amounts. It was hard not to be resentful, particularly when siblings would moan about how hard they had it, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

All you can really do is work out what bits bother you the most and try and get coverage. If you are going to pay £4k for nursery I would have a look at live in Nannie’s if you have the room, it may not be much more expensive all in. And it is a lot easier and flexible to manage around jobs.

that was the route we went down by the way and the (very few) child free nights we have had away were covered by her.

Great idea. And thanks for sharing that you have similar experiences. I think it’s the minuscule age difference between their youngest and my eldest and knowing we were always a whisker away from help. The weekends away they’re having every 8 months will go on and on until PIL are just too tired and then when it’s our turn they will turn us away. This keeps happening…. When their DCs were our age it was family holidays but that’s stopped now.

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:30

CanterburyRoadBlock · 30/06/2025 18:20

It's not a race to the bottom...but some people have it worse, I am a lone parent to 2 sons, have been for 9 years. My Father is estranged and unsafe, my Mother is uninterested unless I do the heavy lifting (driving, organise). I bought a home a year ago which needed much more work than first realised, I've had to do it all alone, working full time with one disabled child. I work in a fairly middle class industry, and I view family support and another form of wealth.

You have to accept and adapt. Do not expect change from anyone else, rely on yourself. It's not ideal, but it's the card that's been dealt and you will can build from there. You are not alone, although it's easy to feel that way when you see others with support, but you're not.

100% agree. Family support IS a form of wealth. It’s funny because if you post on instagram you’ve gone away with grandparents people see it as wholesome but if you only ever go away as a small family unit without help and splash out on business class flights or a top hotel and childcare, it’s seen as gauche. I see them as two of the same.

OP posts:
BlueOysterCultGroupie · 30/06/2025 20:27

Honestly, you just have to crack on. We've never had help, our children now teens and yes it is hard and yes I felt/feel jealous... right down to the ILs that did it all with the other GC and nothing for us, but that's just how it is sometimes.

Commiserations though because it feels very lonely.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:23

allofusare · 30/06/2025 18:12

Bear in mind you’re at one of the hardest points re the ages of your children.

My mum died when I was 17, then dad died very suddenly when I was 24. So I always knew I wouldn’t have any help from my parents if I was going to have children! I miss them but I guess in some ways it’s easier than if they were around and could help but wouldn’t. PIL are lovely but they are very much for emergencies, they don’t live close enough to be regular childcare.

Our solution has been to just wait to be honest. My youngest is 2 next month (I can say that for another day!) and DS is 5 in December. They are a lot easier than when one was three and one was still a baby. I think when they are three and five I’ll be smiling and six and four I’ll be laughing.

When people post the oh just you waits about teens I often wonder if they are people who had a lot of support from their own parents to navigate the early years especially the under 3s!

So sorry you lost both of your parents so close together and at such pivotal moments in your life.

Good point! I just can’t see how having teens is anywhere near as stressful as having a 9 month old, teething, not speaking, frustrated as he wants to move more freely, screams blue murder when hungry or tired. I find my 2.5 year old easier now than 9+ months onwards. At least at 2.5 (almost 3) he out of nappies now for 6 months, out of a cot so I can snuggle in a bed with him if he can’t sleep, he can navigate the stairs, speak well, feed himself. Just need the tantrums when he’s tired and hungry to stop, and tantrums over getting his way but that’s all exasperated by tiredness and hunger. The one element which IS tough at his age is his desire to speak non stop, mainly demanding things like snacks, tv, reading him books, getting him things on repeat but also asking questions and such. It can become overly stimulating when managing a baby!

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:18

charabang · 30/06/2025 18:12

Personally I'd advise against asking your sister in law if she's only just got her own off her hands. Maybe see if she offers.

She has offered but I would wait until they’re a bit older. As PP pointed out, by the time we have the DCs 5 and 7 yeats old, and old enough to stay with PiL they will be in their 80s. So if SiL is offering now, we will hold off 4 more years and ask for the odd bit of help. She offers now all the time!

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Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:15

Strikeback · 30/06/2025 18:05

I'm listening to the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins at the moment and it has lots of stuff about life not being fair and how to be more active and less passive. Highly recommend. Yes it's annoying (I had years of SIL saying ooh I could never put my kids in childcare, well she never had to) and I don't think it's uncommon, if you have moved to London, to have no help - but you will be a stronger person for having had to work things out yourself.

Love this!!! Saw her on TV recently and was impressed. Will listen. Yes I’ve brought myself up and I shouldn’t stop digging deep now! I just love a bit of free time but going to arrange myself a visit to a friend later on this summer and have a weekend to myself.

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Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:06

HenDoNot · 30/06/2025 17:56

They are retired and as I say do plenty for BIL.

When your children get to age 8 and 6 you'll realise how unreasonable you're being. It's a completely different kettle of fish to a 9 month old and a 2 year old.

ETA: By then your in-laws will be in their 80's so of course you will again be a completely different situation to your BIL.

Edited

Correct and fair. And I think the latter has dawned on me, which makes me realise we will sit and watch them have all the help and miss out. Ie driving to do school runs and accompanying them on staycations and holidays but the answer to us is no. Also why they stopped themselves when they said how ‘everyone needs a break’ when talking about their latest trip away without kids.

Their youngest is only 3 years older than our eldest but the gap between their eldest and our youngest is 7.5 years. We also have this theory they’re totally exhausted from looking after the other two grandchildren, BIL/SIL would routinely rock up to PIL house every month, no lift a finger, ask for school run help, invite them up once a month, a holiday every year, the eldest has adhd and after 6/7 years of it they’re exhausted. No where to be seen now… kids are older, manageable and have weekend commitments.

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